>Montreal Comedy Festival Quotes
>
>- (On going to war over religion:) "You're basically
>killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary
>friend."
>
>- "I found my wife in bed naked one day next to a Vietnamese
>guy and a black guy. I took a picture and sent it to
>Benetton. You never know."
>
>- "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
>
>- (On the difference between men and women:) "On the
>one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the
>other hand, we can open all our own jars."
>
>- "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't
>blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so
>people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
>
>- "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate
>men everywhere?  'Hold my purse.'"
>
>- "The Web brings people together because no matter
>what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be,
>you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find
>people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and
>the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'"
>
>- "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
>
>- "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can
>fake whole relationships."
>
>- "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row
>of an airplane:  Either you have diarrhea, or you're
>anxious to meet people who do."
>
>- "My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter
>what she's reading."
>
>- "Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or
>where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter
>how bad it is."
>
>- "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung
>by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
>
>- "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on
>it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'"
>
>- "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can
>fake that, you're in."
>
>- "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a
>sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men
>dressed like black pimps."
>
>- "Things you'll never hear a woman say: 'My, what an
>attractive scrotum!'"
>
>- "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally
>ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by
>the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well
>for themselves."
>
>- "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about
>to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed
>touches my foot."
>
>- "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
>But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-
>master."
>
>- "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-
>of-a-bitch."