Begin forwarded message: Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 14:57:31 -0800 (PST) From: Alison Noble To: Benj , adkrause@ucdavis.edu, Julian , Reba , Em Torok , Chiquita Anita! , Steve Magneson Subject: Of Lawyers and Churches (fwd) Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: TEXT/PLAIN; charset=US-ASCII Some of these are old, but some I hadn't heard before. Hope you enjoy them. > LAWYERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS > > >>From the Salt Lake Tribune: > > "Lawyers typically aren't funny -- unless by accident. > Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were > taken from official court records nationwide... > > 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? > > 2) Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person > dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes > quietly away and doesn't know anything about it > until the next morning? > > 3) Q: What happened then? > A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because > you can identify me.' > Q: Did he kill you? > > 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? > > 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? > > 6) Were you alone or by yourself. > > 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? > > 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? > > 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize > that picture. > A: That's me. > Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? > > 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were > sworn in? > > 11) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage > terminated? > A: By death. > Q: And by whose death was it terminated? > > 12) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? > A: I'll be three months on November 8. > Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was > August 8? > A: Yes. > Q: What were you doing at that time? > > 13) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally > stable? > A: I used to be. > Q: How many times have you committed suicide? > > 14) So you were gone until you returned? > > 15) Q: She had three children, right? > A: Yes. > Q: How many were boys? > A: None. > Q: Were there girls? > > 16) You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what > it looked like, but can you describe it? > > 17) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? > A: Yes. > Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? > > 18) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? > A: Not yet. > > 19) A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of > unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself > and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next > question." > > 20) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you > examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose > Chapel? > A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about > 8:30 p.m. > Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that > correct? > A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the > table wondering why I was doing an autopsy! > > > =========================================== > > > CHURCHES SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS... > > > - - -- These are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church > bulletins. > > 1. Don't let worry kill you --let the church help. > > 2. Thursday night -Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to > follow. > > 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and > community. > > 4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we > have a nursery downstairs. > > 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the > birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. > > 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and > North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. > > 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All > ladies giving milk will please come early. > > 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will > sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor. > > 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little > Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the > Pastor in his study. > > 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come > forward and lay an egg on the altar. > > 11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of > the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join > in. > > 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray > the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet > will come forward and do so. > > 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every > kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday. > > 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church > hall. Music will follow. > > 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be > "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. > > > > > > > >