>Newspaper headline amusement:
 
 
          >
 
 
          >                ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES >
 
 
          >    * Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
 
 
          >    * Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
 
 
          >    * House passes gas tax onto senate
 
 
          >    * Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
 
 
          >    * Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
 
 
          >    * William Kelly was fed secretary
 
 
          >    * Milk drinkers are turning to powder
 
 
          >    * Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
 
 
          >    * Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
 
 
          >    * Farmer bill dies in house
 
 
          >    * Iraqi head seeks arms
 
 
          >
 
 
          >Some become unintentionally suggestive: >
 
 
 
 
 
          >    * Queen Mary having bottom scraped
 
 
          >    * Prostitutes appeal to Pope
 
 
          >    * Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
 
 
          >    * NJ judge to rule on nude beach
 
 
          >    * Child's stool great for use in garden
 
 
          >    * Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
 
 
          >    * Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
 
 
          >    * Organ festival ends in smashing climax
 
 
          >
 
 
          >Grammar often botches other headlines:
 
 
          >
 
 
          >    * Eye drops off shelf
 
 
          >    * Squad helps dog bite victim
 
 
          >    * Dealers will hear car talk at noon
 
 
          >    * Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
 
 
          >    * Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
 
 
          >    * Miners refuse to work after death
 
 
          >    * Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
 
 
          >    * Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
 
 
          >
 
 
          >Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite
                from the one intended:
 
 
          >
 
 
          >    * Never withhold herpes from loved one
 
 
          >    * Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
 
 
          >    * Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
 
 
          >    * Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
 
 
          >
 
 
          >Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:
 
 
          >
 
 
          >    * If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
 
 
          >    * War dims hope for peace
 
 
          >    * Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
 
 
          >    * Cold wave linked to temperatures
 
 
          >    * Child's death ruins couple's holiday
 
 
          >    * Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
 
 
          >    * Man is fatally slain
 
 
          >    * Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say