God's Questionnaire (Annotated by Andrew)

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer
the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will
be
kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name
or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or
suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?

___  Newspaper

___  Bible

___  Torah

___  Book of Mormon

___  Koran

___  Divine inspiration

___  Dead Sea Scrolls

___  My mama done tol' me

___  Near-death experience

___  Near-life experience

___  National Public Radio

___  Tabloid

___  Burning shrubbery

___  Other (specify): _____________  (Monty Python Movie?-And)

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?

___  Yahweh  (Go Yahweh!!!!, Yahweh, Yahweh, he's our man!!!! If he
can't smite it, no one can- And)

___  Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

___  Jehovah

___  Jesus

___  Krishna

___  Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

___  Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

___  Allah

___  Satan

___  Buddha

___  Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

___  God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)

___  God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)

___  None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

___  Disney  ( I had to add it- And)

___ Other  (1995 Pontiac Grand Prix, SE Edition- And)

___ THE, the Barbarian (If you get it, cool. If you don't, you probably
don't want to -And)

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

(With all parts in good working order.... I can't make fun of that, or
I'm sure I'm going to hell-And_

___ Yes

___ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:

___  Not eternal

___  Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe

___  Not omniscient

___  Not omnipotent

___  Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all
creations)   (mmm.....plastic......-And

___  Permits sex outside of marriage (what's wrong with that?- And)

___  Permits bad things to happen to good people

___  When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

___  Requires burnt offerings

___  Requires virgin sacrifices  ( A virgin is a terrible thing to
waste-And)

___  Plays dice with the universe

___  Not wrathful enough  (The diet coke of holy wrath-And)

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?

Please check all that apply.

___  Indoctrinated by parents

___  Needed a reason to live

___  Indoctrinated by society

___  Needed focus in whom to despise

___  Imaginary friend grew up

___  Graduated from the tooth fairy

___  Hate to think for myself

___  Wanted to meet girls/boys

___  Fear of death

___  Wanted to piss off parents

___  Needed a day away from work

___  Desperate need for certainty

___  Like organ music

___  Saw an image of my deity in my oatmeal, thought it was a sign
(-And)

___  Need to feel morally superior

___  Thought Jerry Falwell was cool

___  My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

___  Other (My deity provided me with a good dental plan and signing
bonus-And)

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, which false god were
you fooled by?  Please check all that apply.

___  Mick Jagger

___  The almighty dollar

___  Bill Gates

___  The radical right

___  Beelzebub

___  Barney T. B. P. D.

___  The Great Pumpkin

___  Elvis

___  Cindy Crawford

___  TV news

___  Other: ________________  (Ed Asner? - who would have added that
name? :P)

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God?

Please check all that apply.

___  Tarot

___  Lottery (If I won, I would definitely be a believer-And)

___  Astrology

___  Television (sweet, savory, television.... I could never stay mad
at
you-And)

___  Fortune cookies (Confucius say... "Never believe what a mime tells
you"...in bed- And)

___  Ann Landers

___  Psychic Friends Network (Preach on, Sister Dion Warwick, Preach
on!-And)

___  Dianetics

___  Palmistry

___  Playboy and/or Playgirl

___  Self-help books (Chicken Soup for the Soul....needs salt-And)

___  Sex, drugs, rock and roll

___  Biorhythms

___  Alcohol (No, not me, never touch the stuff....And)

___  Bill Clinton

___  Tea leaves

___  EST

___  CompuServe

___  Mantras

___  Jimmy Swaggert (Not him, where's my bottle? - And)

___  Crystals

___  Crystal Gayle

___  Human sacrifice

___  Pyramids

___  Wandering in a desert (Does Florida count? The golf courses have
sand traps-And)

_X_  Barney Fife (You know you are going to check this one too, admit
it-And)

___  Other:___________ (Your Mom, first e-mail momma joke of the new
millennium-   And)

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?

a. More divine intervention

b. Less divine intervention

c. Current level of divine intervention is just right

d. Don't know...what's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles.

Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

Disasters:

  Plauges:

  Miracles:

  Women:

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