> December 7, 1997, in the Miami Herald
> Decaf Poopacino
> BY DAVE BARRY
>
> I have exciting news for anybody who would like to pay a lot of money for coffee
> that has passed all the way through an animal's digestive tract.
>
> And you just know there are plenty of people who would. Specialty coffees are
> very popular these days, attracting millions of consumers, every single one of
> whom is standing in line ahead of me whenever I go to the coffee place at the
> airport to grab a quick cup on my way to catch a plane. These consumers are
> always ordering mutant beverages with names like ``mocha-almond-honey-vinaigrette
> lattespressacino,'' beverages that must be made one at a time via a lengthy and
> complex process involving approximately one coffee bean, three quarts of dairy
> products, and what appears to be a small nuclear reactor.

> Meanwhile, back in the line, there is growing impatience among those of us who
> just want a plain old cup of coffee so that our brains will start working and we
> can remember what our full names are and why we are catching an airplane. We want
> to strike the lattespressacino people with our carry-on baggage and scream ``GET
> OUT OF OUR WAY, YOU TREND GEEKS, AND LET US HAVE OUR COFFEE!'' But of course we
> couldn't do anything that active until we've had our coffee.
>
> It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need
> for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of
> recreational activity. I bet this kind of thing does not happen to heroin
> addicts. I bet that when serious heroin addicts go to purchase their heroin, they
> do not tolerate waiting in line whilesome dilettante in front of them orders a
> hazelnut smack-a-cino with cinnamon sprinkles.
>
> The reason some of us need coffee is that it contains caffeine, which makes us
> alert. Of course it is very important to remember that caffeine is a drug, and,
> like any drug, it is a lot of fun.
>
> No! Wait! What I meant to say is: Like any drug, caffeine can have serious side
> effects if we ingest too much. This fact was first noticed in ancient Egypt when
> a group of workers, who were supposed to be making a birdbath, began drinking
> Egyptian coffee, which is very strong, and wound up constructing the pyramids.
>
> I myself developed the coffee habit in my early 20s, when, as a "cub" reporter
> for the Daily Local News in West Chester, Pa., I had to stay awake while writing
> phenomenally boring stories about municipal government. I got my coffee from a
> vending machine that also sold hot chocolate and chicken-noodle soup; all three
> liquids squirted out of a single tube, and they tasted pretty much the same. But
> I came to need that coffee, and even today I can do nothing useful before I've
> had several cups. (I can't do anything useful afterward, either; that's why I'm a
> columnist.)
>
> But here's my point: This specialty-coffee craze has gone too far. I say this in
> light of a letter I got recently from alert reader Bo Bishop. He sent me an
> invitation he received from a local company to a "private tasting of the highly
> prized Luwak coffee,'' which "at $300 a pound . . . is one of the most expensive
> drinks in the world.'' The invitation states that this coffee is named for the
> luwak, a "member of the weasel family'' that lives on the Island of Java and eats
> coffee berries; as the berries pass through the luwak, a "natural fermentation"
> takes place, and the berry seeds -- the coffee beans -- come out of the luwak
> intact. The beans are then gathered, washed, roasted, and sold to coffee
> connoisseurs.

> The invitation states: "We wish to pass along this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
> to taste such a rarity.''
>
> Or, as Bo Bishop put it: "They're selling processed weasel doodoo for $300 a
> pound."
>
> I first thought this was a clever hoax designed to ridicule the coffee craze.
> Tragically, it is not. There really is a Luwak coffee. I know because I bought
> some from a specialty-coffee company in Atlanta. I paid $37.50 for two ounces of
> beans. I was expecting the beans to look exotic, considering where they'd been,
> but they looked like regular coffee beans. In fact, for a moment I was afraid
> that they were just regular beans, and that I was being ripped off.
>
> Then I thought: What kind of world is this when you worry that people might be
> ripping you off by selling you coffee that was NOT pooped out by a weasel?
>
> So anyway, I ground the beans up and brewed the coffee and drank some. You know
> how sometimes, when you're really skeptical about something, but then you finally
> try it, you discover that it's really good, way better than you would have
> thought possible? This is not the case with Luwak coffee. Luwak coffee, in my
> opinion, tastes like somebody washed a dead cat in it.
>
> But I predict it's going to be popular anyway, because it's expensive. One of
> these days, the people in front of me at the airport coffee place are going to be
> ordering decaf poopacino. I'm thinking of switching to heroin.
>