This is the Timmy Page

Timmy Tells it Like it is

by Vlad Hermer (not real name)

I am Timmy. I is 6 years old. When I grow up I want to be ruler of the earth because it odious now. I would give all the kids of the world candy so they would like me and I would annihilate all of the grown-ups. Like Bob Dole. He looks like the prunes my grandpa eats for breakfast. I wonder what would happen if you took his pit out. Prunes taste like canine excrement. I should know I've tasted it before. It taste bad like my moms casserole. She killed my dog that way. My unpretentious doggy.

You know what? Everyone dies. Even you. My uncle said it was just a metaphysical realization of your past life experiences on a temporal plane. But your nOt as smart as I am so I simplified it for you. My uncles dead now. Guess he was wrong.

I want to be supreme ruler of the Earth because I want to be. My doctor says I have an attention deficit disorder but I don't believe him. I think my mom took me to the same doctor that she took the dog to when he gagged on her casserole. I think it's 'her time of the month' as she puts it. But I don't believe her because she said my dog, Dog, went to heaven, but he was a bad dog so I think he went to hell.

Hell is this really hot place where bad people and my dog go. They writhe in agony under the heel of Satan™. Satan is the supreme ruler of hell. When I become ruler of the earth we might get together and watch old James Bond reruns and eat tons of Fudgecicles. Fudgecicles are funny when they melt. They look like what happened when I got E-Coli poisoning. Dante wrote this book on hell and Satan, and then he died. Guess it doesn't look the same in the brochures. He said there where seven deadly sins, but I don't know what a sin is so I'm going to do all the seven deadly sins before my ninth birthday so I can find out.

I was watching CNN one day and a thing on cereal killers came on. My mom says cereal killers are bad, but I like cereal, so I think I'll be one when I grow up.

My moms getting me another dog. This ones not going to get table scraps. I think I'll just give it chocolate and antifreeze because they both taste so good.

Because mom killed my dog she's taking us on a little field trip. She doesn't take us on overnight trips anymore, because that last hotel we stayed at she joked about how many layers of stuff are on the beds, and that you didn't have to get up and use the bathroom. Just to see if it worked, I did it. I think from now on I'll get up and use the bathroom.

I have a older sister whose 17. My mom said she was going to get pregnant before she was 16. But my sister once told me when she was 14 that she was pregnant. Mom was wrong again.

My dad lives down the street from us and we get to visit him every Saturday. Dads got a different girlfriend every week. They're scary. Some have really big hair, and some of them are really ugly. But my dad doesn't care, as long as there female.

I hate Jell-o. It's all wiggly and taste funny. I read the ingredients on the box one day and watch my mom make it. She did everything the instructions said except she added VO to it.

My mom was wrong.

My moms wrong a lot.

Unequivocally,

TiMmy

The pre-supreme ruler of the earth By Vlad Hermer

Timmy: the dysfunctional six year old writes again.

Hey its me again. You know, not much has been going on since I last wrote something. Life pretty much sucks. My sister had a kid (mom was suprised). The little kid looks like a dehydrated schizocarp. I asked my mom what I was like when I was little. She said I smelled like feces. I didn't like my whole existence prior to the state of mind I'm in now being reduced to a few misconstrued words, so I put tape on the cats feet. It was funny. Sometimes I bring my cat over to my dads house on the weekends. My dad doesn't like the cat much. He tosses it around by the tail. I do the same thing, but I'm a kid and don't know any better. My cats name is Cat. My mom named him while she was eating some of her special Jell-O one day. My dad said he was going to turn the cat into a pair of gloves. I don't think that's a good idea, because Cat has fleas. I think my dad does too.

One day my aunt came to visit. She's this weird lady that wears flowery muumuus. They're scary. My aunts dead now. She was in the garage one day with the car in it. I crept in and turned on the car and closed the door. She's was a little hard of hearing and didn't hear the car going. All the police said it was just an accident, and that I shouldn't worry because she's in a better place. From one's own viewpoint I think she went to hell.

My dog isn't alive any more. We got a new one after the other one died on moms casserole. His name was Dog II. My mom's not too creative. He died a while back when a tractor trailer ran over him. All eighteen wheels. Made a mess about a mile long. Took the highway crew about two days to clean it up. We picked the large chunks of him off the road and tires and buried him in the back yard. You know what, I've just noticed something...it seems like a lot of things have died in the past few weeks. Maybe it's me, you know like a harbinger of dissolution...cool.

Well I have a girlfriend now. She's really cool. She is the fulfillment of my immaculate chimera. I'm just glad I don't live in Atlanta.

We're going to have to move now. Mom's stalker is out of jail and we've been getting some weird letters. He freaks mom out, but he sent me 10$ so he's pretty cool with me. But it's time to pack up the old trailer and move on. It's only amount of time before mom gets fed up with her stalker and gets a gun. Then I'll have something to write about. But until then I've got to stop writing because you weirdoes freak me out.

Guilelessly,

Timmy

The pre-supreme ruler of the earth

Yo, yo, yo, yo, Timmy's in the house!

By Vlad Hermer

Hello, it's me again, that vexatious youth. I personally don't think that I'm annoying , but you guys are all a little screwy anyway.

One day we were walking through town and this guy came up to us and asked us for some spare change. Mom kicked him down on the ground and sprayed him with Mace ™. He went screaming out into the street and was hit by a taxi-cab. I think mom overreacted a bit but it was cool anyway. When the cops came, I got to play with the sirens and stuff. One of the cops said that I could play with a gun. He thought I didn't know what a safety switch was. He was wrong. He only has 9 digits left now.

Hey, guess what? Since my dog(s) died, my mom has got fed up and got me a goldfish. I filled the tank full of Pepsi™, just like the ad. He was really quick for a while, then he slowed down and floated to the top. (not a trick I taught him, mom must have paid extra for that)

Dad took me on a vacation. He said it had to be across state lines (grown-ups, weird huh?). He made me wear a wig and a dress. The dress was kind of fun, very comfortable. I asked him if I could wear panty-hose, but he thought I was over doing it. We had fun until dad got drunk and sent a ransom note on motel stationary and signed it 'love dad.' I was back home in two days. Mom says dad's in the pen. Mom has an obsession with writing instruments apparently. Normal people call it a prison. Mom had a weird childhood.

Mom took me to the circus the other day. It was an elucidating experience. We got to see a whole bunch of weird stuff. I liked the sideshow freaks. Some guy called them that and the human skeleton started to beat the crap out of him, the whole time yelling, "We are not freaks, we are oddly disproportionate humanoids." We didn't even have to pay for this show. The popcorn tasted a bit like ear wax and the cotton-candy tasted bad. I gave the cotton-candy to the monkeys. They really liked it…they liked it so much they got the orderlies in there to calm them down. They took these guns and shot them with tranquilizers. My mom says that's how she's going to put me to sleep from now on if I don't calm down.

Well my mom wants me to go to bed now, she pulled out the big gun and is loading it now. I really hope to see you again...please, Call the police. 1