The First Partial List of Kenner Star Wars Prototypes Which Failed
Miserably.

1) "Luke in Bactine Tank" A favorite scene from "Empire" recreated in
miniature, complete with a removable diaper for Luke. Unfortunately, it
was
found that the glowing bactine wash posed a radioactive health hazard
for
tykes.

2) "Missile Hand Luke" Luke doll with a special lever on his back which
causes his artificial hand to shoot off at 25 mph. Manufacturers
recalled
it when hands started finding their way into eyeballs, windpipes, and
other orifices.

3) "Exploding Death Star" Potential radiation burn/shrapnel hazard,
which
did not keep kids from recreating the scene with their own "normal"
Death
Star and a few M-60.

4) "Black Princess Leia" Promoted as competition for Mattel's popular
"Black
Disco Barbie"; did not find expected level of popularity.

5) "Incredible Shavable Han Solo" Sprouted real hair; failed miserably
when
tested on real kids.

6) "Dissect An Ewok Kit" The deal was off when Play-doh pulled out at
the
last minute.

7) "Nit-laden Chewbacca" Concept behind this was that kids would enjoy
picking nits off of a large, furry Chewbacca. Didn't do well, since it
came with real nits which quickly spread to other parts of the house.

8) The Ugnaught figures made from Genetically altered mice. PETA sank
that one real quick.

9) Emperor Palpatine Doll/Tesla Coil. Hey kids, real lightning! Kill
your enemies! Nixed due to obvious danger of children accidentally
running up huge power bills.

10) Full scale working Death Star Kit. Kenner built one fully working
model, but it was destroyed. They were halfway finished with their
second
when it too was destroyed. Plans were scrapped to build any more.

11) Darth Vader Funeral Pyre. They couldn't figure out how to make a
character who had been 4 inches tall and thin into a character 2.5
inches
tall and fat as a slug once you removed his helmet. Also a problem with
the fact that it only worked once.

12) Aunt Beru doll. Nixed as just plain stupid. A huge loss to those
fans of Bok Choi and blue Kool-aid out there.

13) "Real-Guts" Tauntaun. Also referred to as "The Visible Tauntaun."
Once you pulled off the skin, you could see all the internal organs.
Much
like real tauntauns, it stank to high heaven. Other problem: Like
similar
toy "The Visible Man," Visible Tauntaun's organs never went back in
right
and you were always left with an extra organ or two.


14) "Learn the Force At Home" Kit. Included self-hypnosis training
tapes
and rocks to lift. Recalled after thousands of children with no strong
parental figure turned to the dark side, killing their parents and
saying
things like "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and you did not make me
the type of sandwich that I like!" while strangling them from across the
room.

15) "Fun Fusion Grenade." Seen in the exciting throneroom scene in
TRofTJ
where a disguised Leia holds it up to bluff out Jabba the Hutt. Problem
was, the kids didn't understand the concept of a fusion grenade and
would
often actually detonate it while trying to bluff their parents into
extending their bedtime.

16) "Mr. Hutt-Head." A Mr. Potato(e?) Head ripoff which had a Jabba
body
and a series of switchable heads with the faces of famous fat people.
See
Rush The Hutt, Willard The Hutt, John Candy The Hutt, etc. Nixed when
famous fat people got angry at being identified with Pizza Hutt. (they
just didn't get it)

17) Pimp Lando Figure. Lando as a loc-ed out pimp daddy. Long brown
leather coat, straight razor, huge afro, gold tooth, etc. Actually
molded, packaged, and ready to be shipped when the makers of the Shaft
figures sued for copyright infringement.

18) Dead Admiral Doll. Well, Vader killed so many Admirals in the three
movies that Kenner figured that there should be a doll. Problem was, he
couldn't be posed and would always fall over in a heap. Kids decided
they
could fake it with a normal Admiral doll and chose not to purchase this
no-spined rubbery thing.

19) Roller Disco Cloud City Worker. Roller Disco went out of fashion,
so
the skakes were cut off and the hair removed, and thus the figure was
converted to Lando's Pal Lobot with the weird headphones.

20) Voices of the Dead Driving Headset. The voice of Ben Kenobi helps
You
drive around town. "Watch out for the brown van, Luke!" "The light is
about to turn green, Luke!" Actually a great help for drivers, but
failed
on the market due to the fact that not very many people are named Luke,
and no one likes a back seat driver.

21) Talking Stormtroopers. Pull a string on their chest and they would
say things like "There's one, set for stun!" or "Look Sir, Droids!"
During production the voiceboxes got switched with talking Barbie. The
stormtroopers ended up saying things like: "Gosh, math is so hard!" and
"Let's Go Shopping!" while Barbie barked out "What do you mean,
radiation
leak?"

22) Speaking of Radiation Leaks, the best toy of all: The Death Star
Detention center. Eventually it was toned down to two lame rooms in the
4-story death star playset, but it was originally conceived of as a set
all to itself, with rooms such as "bullshit communications center" where
you try to talk your way out of tight fixes with such lies as "oh,
weapons
misfire." The hallway of harmless light: fifty stormtroopers pump bolts
of laser fire down the hall where you and your four friends have no harm
done to you, even though you have no cover to speak of. The best part
about the detention center was that it included some cool dolls:
"torture/interrogation droid," "giggling Moff Tarkin doll," and "flayed
flesh Leia," not to mention "stupid gullible guard" doll. Eventually
stopped by Kenner brass who noticed that playtesting kids were getting a
little too into the torture room. Fearful of breeding a generation of
Salvadorean Death Squads, they pulled the plug on this toy.
-----
TOP 10 STAR WARS-ish THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A
SURPRISE VISIT TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM.

10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."

9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."

8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go
for this, we're gonna have to get outts here pretty quick."

7. Say to them, as they come in the door, " You've gotta lotta guts
coming
here after what you pulled."

6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch."
Reply with "I'll never join you! (distort your face) Then throw
yourself down the nearest shaft.

5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay __________
(fill
in the amount)... Have a friend yell "Because he's holding a
thermal detinator!" (everyone dive for cover)

4. If they ask why the place is in sucha mess reply with, "Your eyes can
deceive you - don't trust them ... I've let go my conscious self
and acted on instinct."

3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."

2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"

1. If they ask how you are doing in school say, "When I left you, I was
but
the learner, now I am the master."
-------
JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE:

1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", an"the Station
Wagon"
In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and
"the
Millenium Falcon."

2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often
looked at
as bad and sinful;
In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic
and
the way of the just Jedi Knight.

3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
crazy;
In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called
galactic ambassadors.

4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits
are
considered tacky and queer;
In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by
all.

5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal
odors,
toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea;
In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.

6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by
backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like
"Bigfoot"
and "Sasquatch";
In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees,
and
have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry
formidable weaponry

7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children;
In Star Wars, children do not exist.

8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of
others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and
college profs.;
In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of
language
barriers.

9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by
society;
In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy,
and
has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female
dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.

10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical
things
like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing
Nintendo;
In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.

11. In real life, some people are complete losers;
In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening
to.

12. In real life, people sometimes smell;
In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not
shower.
-----
TOP TEN INSIGNIFIGANT INCIDENTS WHICH CHANGED THE UNIVERSE

10. "Arggh!" "Arr-rraggh!"
TRANSLATION: "Whatcha doin?"
"I'm trying to shoot this guy in the landspeeder."
"Can I watch?"
"No. Dammnit! You made me miss my chance!"
Sandpeople try again. Ben makes the save. (ANH)

9. Fett thinks:"Just stay right there, Jedi-boy."
Solo swings blindly, gives Fett a ride, Luke lives, story continues
(ROTJ)

8. "Look out!" Tie pilot swerves in trench, hits Vader, who tumbles
into to space and lives to fight another day. (ANH)

7. 3P0: "If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to maintenance."
Stormtrooper: "Alright."
Droids escape (ANH)

6. The unbreakable weather vane supports Luke's weight. (ESB)

5. Luke tries to fix Artoo with a can opener, gets Leia's message.
(ANH)

4. Solo steps on twig. Speederbiker alerts others. Luke and Leia
chase...Leia finds Ewoks, Ewoks save rebels, rebels kick ass.
(ROTJ)

3. Stormtrooper #1: "What was that?!"
Stormtrooper #2: "Ah, it's nothing. Outgassing. Don't worry about
it."
Ben escapes, story continues (ANH)

2. POW!! Luke: "Uncle Owen! This R2 unit has a bad motivator, look!"
3P0 suggests Artoo, trilogy continues. (ANH)

AND THE NUMBER ONE INSIGNIFIGANT INCIDENT WHICH CHANGED THE UNIVERSE...

1. "There goes another one!"
"Hold your fire..."
C3P0 and R2-D2 escape, trilogy continues (ANH)


Solo to Jordan and Bird: "Watch this: Off the skiff, into the air, off
the sail barge, into the Sarlaac...nothing but Fett."
-----

I am a faithful User of AT&T. I have noticed something distressing: the logo of AT&T bears a
striking resemblance to a certain Death Star. keeps extoling the virtues of our "Common Bond" which
sounds suspiciously like the manifesto of the Dark Side.
What should I do?



And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

You have stumbled upon a dreadful secret that was first exposed in the
late 80's by Milo Bloom and his pet penguin Opus. They were about to
go public with their discovery when they had a late night visit from a
man known simply as DaVader. The next day they recanted all previous
statements. What they discovered was this:

1. AT&T actually stands for Association of Totalitarian Technocrats.
2. The AT&T "logo" is, in fact, an encrypted blueprint of the Death
Star, which is easily readable by any Empire technician with the
"THX-1138 Sly Movie In-Joke Reference Viewer". Access to these
viewers is strictly controlled. Anyone caught with an unauthorized
unit is forced to watch those Candice Bergen Sprint commercials for
twenty hours. This is a fate which has been proven to reduce Grand
Admirals to blithering madmen.
3. AT&T operators are actually responsible for the destruction of
both Death Stars. Despite the assertion by Princess Leia that she
"placed information vital to the Rebel Alliance" into R2-D2, the
fact
is that R2 came across this information when he plugged into the
Galactic phone system and attempted to dial 1-900-SEXY-BOT. His
call
was misrouted by a confused operator to the Empire Galactic
Domination
Help Line "Press 71 for a list of Rebel spies, Press 72 for Complete
plans to Empire's new weapon of terror." R2, thinking he was
supposed
to enter his name, simply pressed R (7) and 2. The rest is
history.
4. The "Bothan spies" that were supposed to have died valiantly
getting the second Death Star information did no such thing. The
worst
that happened was one of them broke a claw dialing information to
get
Help Line number.

You may ask why the Empire didn't get an unlisted number. Hey, they
were silly enough to build a second one after it was obvious the first
one was a no-go, so you can't actually expect them to do anything as
difficult as calling the phone company.

The Oracle suggests that you immediately leave your position with the
Empire and dedicate your life to destroying all the "logo" encrusted
billboards in the Galaxy.
--

Disclaimer- All of there Nifty little anecdotes were sent to me by e-mail, therefore I am not responsible for any trademark or copyright infringements, because noone told me anything-they just e-mailed them. So if this offends you or your company, let me know and I will remove it ASAP- DON'T SUE ME !!