KAI...So Throckmorton, do you mind if I call you Throckmorton?
THROCKMORTON...What ever floats your boat.
KAI...Fine then (uncomprehensible), what first brought you and your people to our planet?
THROCKMORTON...It's called a "space ship". It travels through space.
KAI...Uh, what I meant was, WHY did you and your people come to Earth?
THROCKMORTON...Well, it all started because we were tired of the same old boring job on our planet and we needed a change of scenery.
KAI...And what was your job on your planet?
THROCKMORTON...We were plumbers.
KAI...Plumbers?
THROCKMORTON...Yes, plumbers.
KAI...How many of you are in there in your crew?
THROCKMORTON...There are four of us. Myself, Krazzlepiss, Lipshitz, and Bob.
KAI...So the four of you decided to pool your resources, leave all your worldly possessions behind, and explore the heavens in search of life, freedom, and the mysteries of the universe?
THROCKMORTON...No, Lipshitz was wanted for tax evasion, and the rest of us had nothing better to do. So we procured a ship and left.
KAI...When you say "procured", do you mean you "purchased" a ship?
THROCKMORTON...Uh...sure, that's what we did, we "purchased" a ship.
KAI...So then, you set out to explore and ended up here on Earth.
THROCKMORTON...Only after we got lost, yeah.
KAI...So did you go directly to Area 51, or were you contacted by personnel there?
THROCKMORTON...Oh no, that was long after we got here that we ended up out there.
KAI...What did you do when you first got here?
THROCKMORTON...Well, I'm ashamed to say it now, but we abducted some humans, and also mutilated some cattle.
KAI...Were you interested in human anatomy, and how we are able to breed?
THROCKMORTON...Not exactly.
KAI...Well then, what "exactly" was your reasons behind this?
THROCKMORTON...We were tired of getting shafted all the time on our home world, so we decided to give the shaft to others.
KAI...Do you mean you gave anal probes out of anger?
THROCKMORTON...No, we gave anal probes because it was fun to watch peoples eyes bug out.
KAI...Did you mutilate cattle because you thought it was fun as well?
THROCKMORTON...No, we were hungry, and we observed humans eating cattle so we thought we would give it a try.
KAI...Then why were you removing the eyes, ears, and rectums, and leaving the much better parts behind?
THROCKMORTON...Because we were making what you call "Hotdogs".
KAI...So do you like Hotdogs?
THROCKMORTON...No. They taste like a cows asshole.
KAI...But the number of cattle that have been mutiliated in this manner is extreme. How do you account for that?
THROCKMORTON...Just because we didn't eat them doesn't mean that others didn't. We made a hefty little profit on what we sold too.
KAI...So you stole from innocent farmers, mutilated cattle, made hotdogs, and then sold them to unsuspecting people???
THROCKMORTON...Yes, that's pretty much it.
KAI...And what people did you sell them to?
THROCKMORTON...Mainly politicians.
KAI...Why politicians? Were you interested in making contact with our government?
THROCKMORTON...No, they were the only people we could find that didn't mind the taste of somethings ass in their mouth. It must be because of all the butt kissing they have to endure to get into politics in the first place.
KAI...You seem almost proud of yourself for doing this.
THROCKMORTON...Of course! Where else in this universe can you steal from one person, and then sell to another and make a lot of money in the mean time?
KAI...Well, I guess I won't argue with you there. Did you also make and sell hotdogs to the personnel at Area 51?
THROCKMORTON...The only people at Area 51 who seemed to like them were the security personnel, or caretakers, as they are referred to. Especially that fat bastard with the bad attitude! I think he'd eat anything that wasn't able to run away from him.
KAI...I've noticed that you have a bad attitude yourself. Is this common among the species of your planet?
THROCKMORTON...Why, are you going to run home and cry about it?
KAI...No, but I thought I'd introduce you to what we call a Louisville Slugger!
THROCKMORTON...Point made.
KAI...So how did you end up at Area 51?
THROCKMORTON...Well, we were minding our own business one day. You know, just flying around and freaking people out. When suddenly one of our own ships pulled up beside us. I said, "Lipshitz, they've finally caught up to you", when I remembered how we obtained our ship, so then we tried to make a run for it. Like I said, they had one of our own ships so they were able to keep up with us. Anyway, we finally pulled over on the moon and exchanged greetings.
KAI...So you exchanged friendly greetings?
THROCKMORTON...I don't call being chased to the moon and forced to land friendly...do you??
KAI...Well, no.
THROCKMORTON...I didn't think so. Anyway, it turns out that they thought we had broken into one of their hangers and stolen one of the ships. Boy weren't they surprised when we showed ourselves to them!!
KAI...So they had never seen anyone from your planet before?
THROCKMORTON...Well they had, but only staring back at them from behind a three inch piece of glass.
KAI...So what did they say to you?
THROCKMORTON...The first thing that came out of their mouth was, "Oh shit!!!", but things got better after that.
KAI...So we left off with "Oh Shit!!!" from just before Bob about pissed all over himself. What happened next?
THROCKMORTON...Well, the kindly caretakers stripped us of our dignity and ship, so we decided to go with them.
KAI...So they were less than friendly?
THROCKMORTON...Except for one of them who tried to probe me with his own personal probe, but I think he was just attracted to me because of my charming personality.
KAI...So what happened next?
THROCKMORTON...That's personal, but we still see each other on the holidays.
KAI...No, I meant did you go to Area 51 then?
THROCKMORTON...Yes.
KAI...Were you treated better once you got there?
THROCKMORTON...Only if you consider WORK better. We were asked to show them our technology and how it worked and such.
KAI...Did this bother you to do this?
THROCKMORTON...Hell, I didn't know how it worked. I mean, how many of your species actually knows how a car works, or can describe the inner workings of their TV set? I just started making up crap to get them off of my back.
KAI...You lied?
THROCKMORTON...Stretched the truth.
KAI...So what are your plans now?
THROCKMORTON...To get a recording of every episode of VR5 ever made, and watch them over and over again.
KAI...Does the subject of Virtual Reality interest you?
THROCKMORTON...No, but that actress that stars in it does!!