It's the rec.arts.drwho Quote File!

Compiled by Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter (richs@central.susx.ac.uk)
Ranging from: 25th July 1994 - 30th June 1995
Last updated: 5th August 1995

What follows is a collection of the best quotes from the newsgroup rec.arts.drwho. This list will be updated periodically when I have enough new quotes to justify uploading it.

Seen this list before? Then jump straight to the new entries.

If you spot any good quotes on the newsgroup, mail them to me at richs@central.susx.ac.uk and I'll include them. Please include the author, date and e-mail address of the posting in your submission.

Thanks,
Halibut.

I made it! I made it! I'm quoted in somebody's .sig! Wheeee!

- Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au), 25th July 1994

[Thanks to Tim Soholt (xoanon@unm.edu) for this Yadsism]

Ha! Ha! fool! Kate Orman birthday!

- Dave the Dave (then doctor@gallif.ve6mgs.ampr.ab.ca), 5th September 1994

Y'know, after reading Dave's posts for more than a month now, I sometimes get the feeling Satan already does have free reign... ;-)

- Shannon Patrick Sullivan (shannons@cs.mun.ca), 20th Oct 1994

Personally, I think Dave is an X-File...

- Steve Traylen (straylen@geology.wisc.edu), 21th Nov 1994

[Crappiest Monster Awards:]

- Keller's Machine ("Mind of Evil")

A machine that feeds on negative impulses in the brain, and is afraid of "the pure of mind" like Barnham. Oh, sure. You might as well have a machine that feeds on unnecessary adjectives in novels, and is afraid of novels by Hemingway. And then, of course, it starts to teleport.

- Giant Clam ("Genesis of the Daleks")

Cut!
Cut!
Mr. Marter ... could you try walking a little closer to the clam? That way, it will look more plausible when it tried to gnaw your leg off. Thank you -- let's try this again, loves!

- Dave McKinnon (mckinnon@lhasa.berkeley.edu), 5th Dec 1994

Philip Fairweather      |"I seem to have become some sort of a smelly
pjf1002@hermes.cam.ac.uk| galactic bastard" -Dr.Who:"The Claws of Axos"

"Green Death was a sledgehammer in a previous life"

- David McKinnon (mckinnon@lhasa.berkeley.edu), 12th Jan 1995

[On the subject of the best realised monsters in Doctor Who history]

But I have to say the most impressive race was the humans. They looked absolutely perfect -- very true to life.

- David McKinnon (mckinnon@lhasa.berkeley.edu), 14th Jan 1995

MOPPeT (acronym for "my own personal pet theory")

- Eric Gjovaag (tiktok@eskimo.com), 14th Jan 1995

...Or the Vardans from "The Invasion of Time"? ("Ooh, look! Bright shiny pieces of waving tinfoil! Run away!")

- Eric Gjovaag (tiktok@eskimo.com), 14th Jan 1995

"You shud'vv cumm wiff us into duh wawtuh. Then we wud'vv been ... tuhgevvuh."

- David McKinnon (mckinnon@lhasa.berkeley.edu), 14th Jan 1995

[In response to Shannon Sullivan's reaction to the news that Fox has passed over Doctor Who.]

p.s. Sorry about your cat.

- The Lofficiers (lofficie@castlebbs.com), 19th Jan 1995

[In response to this from Edan Harel:]

>I may not like all the NA's, but at least I appreciate that the writers
>worked hard and usually have some highly developed writing skills. Now
>If they can only perfect their beggining/middle/end/continuity
>refrences overload/continuity problems/charichterisations/Douglas Adams
>type humor (yuck)/plot/confusigness/weak points/etc, Id be very happy.

I'm trying to ensure that the confusigness and charichterisations are absolutelybobble solvingess with deeply joy in 'Unoriginaity Sinlieness'.

Regardsisity,

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 23rd Jan 1995

Tell us, Dave, how many spatial dimensions are there in your universe? Inquiring minds want to know.

- The Lofficiers (lofficie@castlebbs.com), 28th Jan 1995

[Upon arriving at Paul Cornell's fancy dress party]

Well, I've stuffed a large cushion down my jumper, tacked half a pound of horse-hair onto my chin and practised a psychotic grin in the mirror for several hours. Yes, I'm Jim Mortimore. Where's the beer? Call this a party? I dunno, I've seen better gatherings at a bus stop. I'm gonna crash out under the sofa, if you don't mind. Got any 'Alien nation' videos I can watch? Nah, I've called a cab. Seeya in a couple of months.

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 29th Jan 1995

[In response to Chet Hart writing:]

>Mr. Traylen,
>The name "Guardians of Gallifrey" is the registered trademark of the
>club/organization based in Orlando, Florida. Your use of this trademark in
>this manner is a violation of federal law.

>Please do not do so again.

Mr. Hart,

The name "Chet Hart" is the registered trademark of the Acme Cybernetics Kitchen Products Division based in Zaranthropos, Betelgeuse. It is used for a combination bacon straightener and smokeless ashtray sold in the Vermelius system. Your use of this trademark in this manner is a violation of interstellar law.

Please do not do so again.

(Or at least, check who wrote what so that you threaten the right person. Yeesh...)

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), 26th Jan 1995

Limericks are not my choice of verse. Rhyming three lines is torture- the worst! Two lines are fine, I do that all the time, But making the last line rhyme is just completely out of the question.

[slightly altered by Halibut, sorry!!!]
- Danica Nuccitelli (xzheliix@barney.ucdavis.edu), 29th Jan 1995

[In response to the revelation that Pip and Jane Baker are Satan's messengers:]

Have you tried playing the Tetrap dialogue from the T&TR novelisation backwards? :-)

- Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au), 30th Jan 1995

Meanwhile back in DaveLand... The Doctor, accompanied by his gay friend Alpha Centauri goes into the TARDIS where the happy-go-lucky pair indulge in an orgy of satanic sex, involving various Cybermen, Cheetah People and X-philes.

When an interfering Jon Blum tries to stop the action, the Doctor blows him away with his D-Mat crucifix and the two return home to their mother, Alan Yentob.

The End.

- The Lofficiers (lofficie@castlebbs.com), 1st Feb 1995

I promise you, I am sane.

- Dave the Dave (doctor@DoctOr.ampr.ab.ca), 2nd Feb 1995

jennikatra@aol.com (Jennikatra) writes:
> Good one! I agree ever so much. Myself in a room with Yadallee and Deel
> and James Watson would be the perfect torture... I'm glad someone else
> needed to say this. <evil grin>

Actually, I would lock both you and jill together in a airless room. Then I would like to see the both of you argue.

- Dave the Dave (then: doctor@DoctOr.ampr.ab.ca), ? 1995

[This one was to Segonax.]

The ragweed is strong in you, Seg. - The Lofficiers (lofficie@castlebbs.com), 7th Feb 1995

Thgis has NO place in rec.arts.drwho.

- Dave the Dave (doctor@DoCtOr.ampr.ab.ca), 11th Feb 1995

I was a technical hitch

- Dave the Dave (?????!), ?

I still won't be able to sleep at night until I'm as world famous as Paul Cornell

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 11 Feb 1995

How about Ace's surname being 'Ventura'?

- MM. Iles (ma2058@irix.bris.ac.uk), ? 1995

[On hearing that the tape of Robot was placed in the Robots of Death video box...]

Yes, I had much the same problem. I purchased a tape with a box and label marked "Planet Of Evil". Imagine my surprise when, on playing the tape, I found it contained "Evil Of The Daleks" parts 1-7. Nevertheless the shop I bought it from quite happily exchanged it for a replacement and I got my Tom Baker story at last.

Tsk - bloody BBC....trying to palm me off with the old black and white sixties crap!!!!!

- Steve Phillips (rlju100@bay.cc.kcl.ac.uk), 6th Mar 1995

After "Silver Nemesis", I had the sudden image of Sylv walking up to a Cyberman, saying "Gold!" in a stern voice, and watching the Cyberman just fall over...

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), 20th March 1995

My main problem with Silver Nemesis was the way the Cybermen stand around chatting all the bloody time. You'd think they were on a twelve-city bus tour, or something.

- Carrie O'Grady (wogrady@blues.epas.utoronto.ca), ?

[On the subjest of Planet of the Spiders]

And then there's Tommy Gump. Sorry to those who like him...

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), ? March 1995

[On the subject of Planet of the Spiders' great long chase scene]

Definitely, and completely useless. Sheer poofy D-cup padding, that whole sequence.

- Carrie O'Grady (wogrady@blues.epas.utoronto.ca), ? March 1995

J. Deel <valeyard@infinet.com> writes: >Besides, who says I am taking *any* of this seriously! I am not at >work! I'm having fun!:-):-):-):-):-)

Does this remind anyone besides me of Magna Yong having fun with his kitten in "St. Anthony's Fire"?...

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), 23rd March 1995

Brigitte Darcel <brigitte@tr792.tr.comm.mot.com> wrote: >Adric died at the end of Logopolis, piloting his ship >into oblivion to save the universe, so on and so forth. >The Master didn't save him; he was toast.

I was right! The Davison-era Adric was really played by a wide-slot toaster!

I knew it.

- Dave McKinnon (mckinnon@durban.berkeley.edu), 24th March 1995

[On the subject of good DW quotes]

> How about the two in my Sig??

>____________________________________________________________________________
>|   daryl.anderson@lightspeed.com  |   AnyBody Care for some Toast??       |
>|   daryl.anderson@ftl.mese.com    |---------------------------------------|
>|----------------------------------|  "Well...Um...It's a known Fact That  |
>|  REC.ARTS.DISNEY  Host           |   I have a tendency to get Involved"  |
>|  FDC Huffelump and Woozle        |      *Dr. Who:  The War Games*        |
>\__________________________________|_______________________________________/

Oh, definitely. The delivery of that first one is just brilliant. "Daryl Anderson... at lightspeed dot com?!?" I love the huge eyes staring into nowhere -- Tom Baker's signature look. Works perfectly for that one.

Then when they picked it up later with Davison's "You mean -- Daryl Anderson at FTL dot mese dot com!?!?!" -- that was so cool! I didn't actually spot the continuity reference until a friend pointed it out to me. Those writers sure are a wacky bunch.

- Carrie Continuity (wogrady@blues.epas.utoronto.ca), 25th March 1995

Jill Deel wrote:
>No one has conclusively *proved* how, or even if the dinosaurs all died.

I figure Jill's .sig file fell on Mexico, causing a nuclear winter. :-)

- Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au), 27th March 1995

[On the subject of dating the Doctor Who stories]

no thanks I'm married :)
sorry.
Bye.

- Gregory Gene Coleman (ggc0001@jove.acs.unt.edu), 27th March 1995

>4.) Terror of the Zygons
> - those things looked neat. One of the best-looking monsters in the
>series

Being an American, you won't know what I'm talking about when I mention the Chewitt monster, will you?

- Captain Zep (R.P. Augood) (cenrpa@leeds.ac.uk), 27th March 1995

Benjamin Stone <b-stone@ux5.cso.uiuc.edu> writes:
> He's being an unbelievable jerk and putting this in there.
> To all you other lucky members of Rec.Arts.DR-WHO, welcome back to second
> grade, where David Yadalee plays a perpetual game of "Got you last."
>
> Benjamin

Au contraire Mr. Non-Winnable-spelling_bee, the game is net.purge. ESp., with strong PROOF of sabotage in the lingering.

- Dave the Dave (doctor@DoCtOr.Edmonton.Ab.ca), 28th March 1995

[Who should be the new Doctor?]

How about that dog who was Gromit in "The Wrong Trousers". That way we could have Wallace as the Brigadier and the penguin as the Master...

- Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), 28th March 1995

[In response to a review of Set Piece including the words:]

>I am sorry Paul, Andy, and Dan, but Kate has outdone you all.

I have to announce that, in a fit of pique, I have just deleted all 40,000 words of 'The Empire of Glass' from my hard drive. To ensure that I can't retrieve it with some clever utilities I have written over the disc space with old messages from Dave Yalladee that I've been saving for a rainy day.

Tomorrow I'll sneak into Virgin's offices during their lunch break and set fire to all the copies of 'Original Sin' before they get sent out.

I'm giving up writing to become a ferret breeder and reinforced trouser maker in Cheshire. Goodbye cruel world.

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), ? March 1995

[This one is long, but worth it! - ed]

[In response to more religious arguments from Jill Deel]

[*350* more lines of self-justification and attacks on Arturo's debating style deleted]

Yes, it's the new XP-3000 model JILL-O-MATIC, with this month's hot new feature... META-DEBATING! Yes, once again you'll never have to concede a single point in any argument you're in, because you can instantly switch the debate into a debate about the debate itself!

Just look at this baby in action... Two messages ago, Arturo responded to a few of Jill's points, snipping the things he agreed with her on. Watch as the JILL-O-MATIC zooms around the questions he raises and focuses on the fact that he deleted some of her deathless prose! And when Arturo responds with a follow-up explaining why he did so, and repeating his arguments, watch the meta-debating mode kick in at full power... 350 lines of talking about how unfair everyone else who's ever argued with Jill is in their arguing style, and *zero* lines addressing any points from the original debate on atheism!

Yep, in the space of just two messages, this new super-duper hi-tech souped-up JILL-O-MATIC has pulled an off-topic debate completely off its own topic!

And the best feature of this little gizmo is, after a few messages dealing with the meta-debate, everyone's forgotten to deal with what the original debate was about... so you can just declare victory! You can just slip in comments about how you were beating folks, like the one we quoted at the top of this message, and nobody will have the stamina to wade back through the old messages to prove otherwise!

And just to make sure that your voice comes through at top volume, this new XP-3000 has built in the famous Yadallee Technologies Quoteificator! Yep, it'll quote every last word uttered in the argument, no matter how irrelevant it is! Including the .sigs of up to the past three messages! And if anyone tries to delete a single line this here gizmo writes, it'll sock 'em with a double whammy -- stick the deleted bits right back in, _and_ accuse 'em of committin' a horrible sin by editing you! Meta-debatin' at its finest, folks!

So come on and be the first on your block to buy the NEW XP-3000 JILL-O-MATIC from Spumco! Wow your friends, drown your enemies in text, and piss off newsgroups full of innocent bystanders with huge off-topic flamewars! These messages aren't just big, they aren't just REALLY big, they're REALLY REALLY big! It's amazing! It's incredible! It's on sale NOW at the disreputable Internet provider near you!

(Uh, Jim Bob, the legal department sez we gotta put in a disclaimer here. The XP-3000 is not to be taken internally. Don't use it in combination with alcohol, drugs, or Power Rangers reruns. Spumco Technologies is not responsible if you get flamed to hell an' back when using this device, but then hey, you're not responsible for it either. And the new meta-debating mode is not to be used to meta- debate a meta-debate, or else everything will fall into some sort of recursive loop and the entire net will collapse in on itself like that place in "Doctor Who". That OK?)

(Uh-huh. Pass the popcorn, Merle, this is gonna be fun...)

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), 29th March 1995

Pet theory coming up - Susan never borrowed the book on "The French Revolution" - Barbara in fact gave her a copy of "Lady Chatterley - the Illustrated Version" which Ian had previously disguised by putting the "French Revolution" dust jacket over it...

This explains:

(1) Why Susan exclaims "That's not right!"

(2) The Doctor's hostility to Ian and Barbara (who he saw as purveyors of porn)

(3) Why "The French Revolution" (minus dust jacket) in found by Ace in the science lab in "Rememberance of the Daleks".

Or am I just letting my imagination run away with me? :)

- Peter Ware (percy@percyw.win-uk.net), 29th March 1995

Pete Fenelon writes:
>Ah, Dave, we've missed you. I think.

Well if so, we need to reload and fire again.

- Ghoti (ghoti42@ix.netcom.com), 30th March 1995

R.P. Augood <cenrpa@leeds.ac.uk> wrote:
>Or is there really an organization called "Edmonton Hertiage"?

You betcha! It's one of Canada's best kept secrets. In fact it's so secret that hardly anyone outside of Alberta knows it exists. (Since very few people ever go to Alberta, except to ski in Banff, they don't have too much trouble disguising the Board's existence.)

As a Torontonian and non-skier, my knowledge of the Hertiasters (as they like to call themselves) is pretty vague. I've heard they practise obscure rituals involving canola grain, Jersey cows and malfunctioning CD-ROM drives. When they're not doing that, apparently they just drive around and beat up on Calgarians (this is locally known as "hertying.")

They worship Don Cherry, but even his authority is superceded by the All- Powerful Slashetanglor (a.k.a. Ralph Klein in his lighter moments.) I've heard (and I read this in the tabloids, so it might not be 100% troo) that they make awful sacrifices to him: hens pulled from the backyards of Calgary farmers, spellchecking software floppies, social programs, the lot. Hard to believe in this day and age, I know.

If you ever go to Edmonton (slim chance, I hope), you'll know the Hertiasters by their purple headbands, colonial accents, vengeful expressions, and bad habit of spouting non sequiters.

Hope it helps,

- Carrie, whose exams are nearing (what gave it away?)

- Carrie O'Grady (wogrady@blues.epas.utoronto.ca), 31st March 1995

Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au) wrote: : What the hell is a NYA? : ;-)

New Young Adventures. Virgin's latest series about the exploits of the Doctor, the Master, the Rani (and their dog, Timmy), saving the Universe at the Academy.

Don't laugh, stranger things have happened...

- Dan Blythe (D.R.Blythe@sheffield.ac.uk), 31st March 1995

[to which the reply came:]

"I could have conquered half the galaxy if it hadn't been for you damned kids," cursed Davros.

"Gosh!" said the Master.

"Arf!" said Timmy.

Extract from Andy Lane's "Doctor Who And The Nasty Rubber Monsters", coming to a bookshop near you soon. And that's a promise.

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 1st April 1995

Steve Traylen (straylen@geology.wisc.edu) writes:

(listing the top two NAs)

>[#21]   The Left-Handed Hummingbird     88.7%   (56)    20404 2
>[#35]   Set Piece                       85.8%   (12)    20436 0

Sassin'frassin'rick'rastardly!

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 1st April 1995

Shannon Patrick Sullivan (shannon@morgan.ucs.mun.ca) writes:
>:Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net) wrote:

>: I'm giving up writing to become a ferret breeder and reinforced
>: trouser maker in Cheshire. Goodbye cruel world.
>
>As if the world *needs* more ferret breeders...

Dear Mr. Lane,

Please ignore Shannon, who is obviously unaware of the joy that your new found occupation can bring. Indeed, I believe there is no better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than reading a copy of your excellent "All Consuming Fire" whilst listening to the thrashing squeals of mating ferrets.

Would it perhaps be possible perhaps for a ferret (procreating if possible) to be incorporated in your up and coming Doctor Who story, "Empire of the Glands"?

Pervy :)

- Peter Ware (percy@percyw.win-uk.net), 1st April 1995

[To which Andy Lane replied:]

Dear Pervy Pete,

No.

Yours sincerely,

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 3rd April 1995

[on the subject of the latest NAs/MAs to arrive in your part of the country]

Huh. Well, where *I'm* from, we've got *all* the NAs up to _Sleepy_, and all the MAs up to _Otherwhen_. Plus we've got the new Virgin novelisations of the first two seasons of Deja Who.

I'm really glad that they managed to lure Chris Bidmead back to novelise "It's About Time", and Steve Traylen's novelisation of "Dalek Trouble" is hilarious! I can't wait to see his screenplay for the new movie!

--David "I love my local bookstore" McKinnon

- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), 4th April 1995

[Chris Kocher <mentalis@epix.net> voted for this one, honest :) ]

DGillikin (dgillikin@aol.com) blathered frivolously about: : Come now, we all know Tom Baker isn't God. Paul Cornell claims that : Terrance Dicks is God, so it **must** be true. :-)

I wasn't aware that God was into poloneck jumpers.

"The colour for aliens is always gween."

- Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter (richs@cogs.susx.ac.uk), 4th April 1995

Paul Cornell <paul@cornell.demon.co.uk> writes:
>I don't want to boast or anything, but at the recent Virgin writers do,
>Sophie ran her fingers through my new hairdo. It's not all work, work,
>work, you know...:-)

I trust she had a bottle of Dettol handy.

- Mike Teague (etlmwte@etlxdmx.ericsson.se), 4th April 1995

"What do you have to say for yourself? What can you possibly look for that makes you continually break the laws of the Time Lords? What do you want, Doctor?"

Before the Doctor could answer, Ace responded. "Good to mediocre sex, if you must know."

- Greg McElhatton (STU_GLMCELHA@vax1.acs.jmu.edu), ? April 1995

doctor@DoCtOr.Edmonton.Ab.ca writes:
> But It was the Scots who helped found Canada,
> och!

Yes, the Scots found Canada, but as soon as we discovered that Dave Yadallee was going to be involved, we lost it again and let someone else have the honour.

- Gavin Greig (ggreig@mcs.dundee.ac.uk), 5th April 1995

Of the many things that puzzle me concerning language use on RADW, one of the strangest is the American use of the word 'sucks', as in: 'Hey man, that dorky Pertwee story really sucked, you dig?'

Why should a bad thing 'suck'?

I mean, I understand the image we're being asked to call up here, but surely that's a very pleasant thing? Could we perhaps say, 'oh, that Eric Saward story really caressed', or 'The Time Monster really passionately kisses big time'?

And let's not even mention the so-called 'English muffin'...

- Paul Cornell (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk), 9th April 1995

How about 'Doctor Who - but not the original series, a new series, except it's not new its exactly the same, except it's not, but it's made in the US, but of course it's not just an American thing 'cus the BBC have a hand in it, or perhaps it's better to call it Segal Who, except he doesn't like the name, and after all he's the producer not the creator, but me myself, I like Deja Who - I think I've seen it before somewhere but I'm not sure etc. etc.'

*then* everybody will be happy, surely???

PS this compresses into the handy acronym:

DWBNTOSANSEINNIETSEINBIMITUBOCINJAATCTBHAHIIOPIBTCISWEHDLTNAAAHTPNTCBMMILDJITISIBSBINSEE... much better!

- Charlie Reay-Smith (Charlie@bcardceo.demon.co.uk), 9th April 1995

[On the subject of the Sisterhood of Karn and the Hoothi]

No, no, no. I just watched this last night, and it's obvious that what she really says is "Even the silent ships of the Tootie could be heard while they were still a million miles distant." I'm using the line as the takeoff point for my NA submission, which is a crossover and features the cast of "The facts of Life" coming aboard the TARDIS as companions. Then Tootie gets captured and cloned, and the TARDIS crew is menaced by a silent gas dirigible (with "Goodyear" written across the side in big letters), filled with thousands of grim-faced Tooties on roller skates.

Luckily (spoiler warning!) Jo saves the day by cobbling together a small de-cloning mechanism with the Doctor's umbrella, some interstellar matter and a few parts from her motorcycle. At the end of the show she elopes with MacGyver and the Doctor maroons Blair on Solos, where she mutates into something unspeakably hideous.

It's a good read. Watch for it.

- Carrie Cornell (wogrady@epas.utoronto.ca), 17th April 1995

Quarklife (from the tune by Blur)

Resilience is a preference for the spiked practitioners of what is known as...
Quarklife!
And big-shouldered suits should be avoided if you want to make it through what is known as...
Quarklife!
Toba's got a padded suit, he gets intimidated by the Dulcians, they'd love a bit of him.
Who's that fat Time Lord snooping? You should cut down on your porklife, mate, get some exercise!

Dominators
The Dominators
They go hand in hand
Hand in hand through their
Quarklife...

I activate when my power's replenished, except on Wednesday when I'm rudely awakened by Dominator Rago.
I check my disintegrator, flap my arms about, and then think about leaving the saucer.
I spin my head, I sometimes spin my whole body. It gives me a sense of enormous well-being.
And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that there will always be a part of my programming devoted to it.

Repeat chorus.

It's got nothing to do with your Ka Faraq Gatri, you know...
And it's not about you Chumblies who go round and round and round...

- Paul Cornell (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk), 17th April 1995

[On the subject of Ben Aaronovitch's new book]

Steve Traylen (straylen@geology.wisc.edu) writes:
>I am sure that there are people who are better placed to do this but....
>I was under the impression that April was the slot for Aaron---Aarrroo...

That old full moon problem again, Steve?

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 18th April 1995

Oh look what's coming out! Theg Pitr By David Yada....

- Edan Harel (edharel@eden.rutgers.edu), 20th(?) April 1995

This is my opinion and I do not invite flames. But I do so like law-suits!

- Chet Hart (address withheld for legal reasons (-:), 23rd April 1995

[On the subject of the BBC release of the Key To Time season]

Paul Ian Harman writes:
>Why have they split the Key to Time up into it's 6 parts?

Because the box set is far too powerful for a single person to hold. So it has been split up by the White City Guardian (BBC Video), and scattered across the retailers of the cosmos.

It is up to you, Paul, to seek out these six videos and bring them together. You will be given a release schedule to locate the segments and a Shop Assistant to help you secure them.

You have three months. Remember, beware the Black Guardian...

- David Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 26th April 1995

Thomas Himinez (thomas.himinez@pcappbbs.com) writes:
> A police box, and anyone can feel free to correct me, was used to
>hold prisoners until transport could be arranged. So there were no
>funature or anything like that found inside except maybe a chair.

> Before the advent of radios, police boxes were used as a methods of
>communication. The light would flash when the phone was ringing, and a
>helpful public would call out to the bobby, "Oy! You're light's a
>flashin'!"

Nobby? Nobby, is that you? Yeah, it's Fingers 'ere. Look, I been nicked by some bleedin' rozzer, ain't I? Ee's only gawn an' bunged me in this blue box fing. Locked it and gawn to fetch 'is mates, I reckon. Wot? Nah, nah furniture or nuffink, but the stupid bleeder forgot there's a bleedin' phone in 'ere. That's why I'm phonin' ya. Look, come an' get me out, will ya, before the rozzers realise the light's flashin' while I'm makin' this call. You're a diamond geezer, Nobby.

- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), 26th April 1995

Sudden inspiration!!!!
Mr. Ainley could also sell a range of Master-style stick on beards. He could produce a standard model, one that will only stick on at a funny looking dodgy angle, and possibly a model with optional white highlights (I'm sure old Roger wouldn't complain).

- Phil Clarke (mmuy0@central.susx.ac.uk), 1st May 1995

[Nominated by Jon Blum]

Jonathan Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu) blathered frivolously about: : Hmm... which of us do you think is most likely to be Neil posting under an : alias? :-)

Well I'm sorry, I have to admit at long last that it is in fact me.

My apologies for The Pit, I was under a lot of stress (an elephant sat on me).

--
 \ /---\   o \  Neil Penswick, prolific writer of loads of really good stuff
  X __ o> o   \    neilp@bad.writers.anon.uk - "from pens to word processors"
 / \---/       \      If at first you don't succeed, don't write any more NAs

"All this time you two thought you were playing some twisted game of chess... when it was just me playing with myself!"

"CUT!"

              D O C T O R   W H O :   T I M E   R I F T
                    T H E   O U T T A K E S

(sung to the tune of Industrial Disease)

Now warning lights are flashing down in grammatical control
Somebody's been misspelling, he's a real a-hole
There's mangling of his sentences, they're twisted all around
We read and read and read them but there's no meaning to be found

On ITV and BBC's the only place he'll look
Forget the US networks, he thinks they cannot work
God, Queen and Country, that is all he sees
He's a classic victim of the Yadallee Disease!

He babbles on and on with words misspelled beyond belief
A killfile is the only way that we can get relief
He claims that if we do that, we're next to go
He can nail us all so easily, or didn't you know?

There's quotes of quotes everywhere, >'s are out of sight
Monarchist nonsense, he won't see the light!
Steve Traylen makes a post, it's riddled like swiss cheese
How come Traylen has the Yadallee Disease!?!?

Doctor Jonny Blum declares, "I'm not surprised to see you here,
You've got horribly bad grammar and spelling skills from 2nd year!
I don't know how you came to get some kind of degree,
but worst of all young man you've got the Yadallee Disease!"
He handed me a speak and spell and said, "Just work with this.
You'll need to practice regularly to pass a normal test.
Come back and see me later. <ting> Next patient, please!
Send in another victim of the Yadallee Disease! Ha ha ha"

(why do I do this?)

- Chris Heer (cheer@isisph.com), 2nd May 1995

Subject: Venusian Lullaby - a much shorter review (no spoilers)

Damn good book.

- Lou Anders (revringo@aol.com), 2nd May 1995

Prakash Bakrania <94129892@brookes.ac.uk> writes:

>Someone else asks:
>> Is the Who shop any good ? Is it better than, say, Forbidden Planet?

>No - For a start it's much, much smaller...

but only on the outside...

- Jon Massey (etljnmy@etlxdmx.ericsson.se), 2nd May 1995

doctor@DoCtOr.Edmonton.Ab.ca stated:

: ObWho: Who wants to a Doctor Who episode actually shot in Scotland?

Who would like to see Yadds shot in Scotland?

:-)

- Dan "The Cobbler" Salter (ma3084@irix.bris.ac.uk), 4th May 1995

At the NA/MA Writers' party recently (for those who don't know, every so often we meet up, act cliquey, make up clever new futuristic swearwords, decide to put more Douglas Adams humour and torture scenes in our books, ask why we can't regenerate the Doctor, have stupid spur of the moment ideas that get commissioned on the spot, attend talks called '10,000 Words of Padding It Can Be Done' and 'How to Rush Your Endings' and take time to reaffirm our allegiance with the Lord Satan), Peter Darvill-Evans announced that Adrian Rigelsford couldn't make it to the festivities. This was followed by roughly thirty grown men (Kate wasn't there) shouting 'Dildo!'. Well, it baffled Sophie and Terrance.

- Lance Parkin (ljp104@york.ac.uk), 11th May 1995

> Your mission is to find the most interesting items (ie. the ones that
> will score you the most amount of points) and bring them back for the
> group to look at.

*112: The version of 'The Time Monster' that was supposed to be screened instead of the cast Christmas panto.

*158: 'Planet Of The Clangers', the missing story from Season 8, where the Doctor and the Master both try and persuade the soup dragon to give them the soup monopoly. 'And you...what would you do with my soup?' 'I would uth it for good, thoup dragon, for all the peopulth of the univerth.'

*2: The part of Eric Saward's brain where writing talent is generally found, removed at an early age and now resident in a test tube in Guy's Hospital.

*1116: A page from a David Macintee novel with no continuity references. (Ooh, there's the orange calling the non-orange thing orange)...

- Paul Cornell (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk), 14th May 1995

I liked Peri, cos she's got a HUGE pair of norgs! They were so wobbly, and just made for fun, fun, fun!!!.

- Martin Forsyth (Martin@mkcomput.demon.co.uk), 14th May 1995

[On the subject of City Of Death]

Anyway, in summary, it's a good, fun romp that stands out in season 17 like a deep-fried dolphin in a vegetarian restaurant. Good stuff!

- Dave McKinnon (mckinnon@durban.berkeley.edu), ? May 1995

Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net) wrote:
: Is there a smiley for irony yet?

Fe)

- Bart T Lammey (lammey@ux5.cso.uiuc.edu), ? May 1995

[More on that scavenger hunt]

I found #48766, the complete Tigellan dice set. Aside from the Dodecahedron, the set includes: the Tetrahedron, so long sought after by Supros; the Cube, yearned after by Hypros; the Octahedron, over which Giglos lost its life; the Icosahedron, which lies with Omnos in his slumber; and the 1d10, which has gone largely ignored by the plant population of the universe except for a small kumquat in Little Rock which failed high school algebra.

- Ghoti (ghoti42@ix.netcom.com), 18th May 1995

Now Janet Fielding, on the other hand.........(sloshy feral in-heat slavering sounds)...... ; )

That hair! Those legs! That tight leather miniskirt! O! Tegan! Let me hand you the ol' Rod of Rassilon, you pouty sex-Tractator o' luv!!!!

- Jeffrey Willia Vail (address unknown), 18th May 1995

[Someone dared mention cactuses....]

<deep, dramatic bass note held ... >

.....

>From the depths of season 18, he comes for vengeance.

< ... the chord begins to build, becoming stronger and more powerful ... >

.....

No cardboard jungle can withstand his approach.

< ... the music, now resonatingly loud, approaches a climax ... >

.....

He is --

<... a crashing, booming, thunderous strike from the orchestra ... >

.....

The Meglos Avenger!

"You petty fool! You seek to oppose ME, the Meglos Avenger?
I am stronger than any puny inflatable cactus!
I can see all the way through a chronic hysteresis, to the logical phallus at its bottom!
I can smite the acting of a Gaztak in one mighty blow!

And I can crush YOU with a big, flat rock!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"

- David "Meglos Avenger" McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), 19th May 1995

[Scavenger hunt again...]

#79681 -- the drug Anthony Ainley took which made him SLAM the keys with such melodramatic force in "Logopolis"

- Jason A. Miller (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu), 19th May 1995

Doctor wrote the following words of wisdom to rec.arts.drwho:
> Alright, IT der Hunns version not the Franks method. (Brit joke implicit)

Steve Traylen replied:
> Post of the Year.

Doctor then wrote the following words of wisdom to rec.arts.drwho:
> I meant to le Franks instead of the Franks. Can we change it for the
> record?

Ok,
Post of the month (even after the change it makes us much sense as a hippo in a trifle)

Yours Dave McKinnonly

- Steve Traylen (straylen@geology.wisc.edu), 19th May 1995

[On the question of the Doctor's age]

The real answer here is quite obvious. One of the human traits The Doctor has picked up over his many years of traveling with human companions is lying about his age.

- Elsa Frohman (efrohman@nyc.pipeline.com), ? May 1995

The new entries start here!

[This scavenger hunt has produced more quotes than anything else!]

You better like this, esteemed panel of judges, because I got good and muddy trying to get all this stuff. Not to mention alienating Willie the Groundskeeper over there. So huh.

#29 - Ozone layer of the planet Calufrax ("but where d'it go???")

#997 - feather boa of Mary Tamm, even smells like her

#10 - eighth-note from the incidental music of "The Sea Devils"

#6007 - suitcase full of autographed copies of "Human Nature" (they were good and curious at Canada Customs...)

#3 - chin of a cyberman

#906 - a mouse, when it spins

#4887 - "norgs" (whatever those mysterious objects might be :) )

- Carrie "Norgs" O'Grady (wogrady@blues.epas.utoronto.ca), 20th May 1995

I was bored at a convention, so I went over to a DWAS stall and joined. Now I feel really bad about it, like one does after a particularly degrading sexual experience. I read my free issue of Celestial Toyroom (I'd hardly call it 'complementary'), and it had this editorial about how the New Adventures had caused the cancellation of the society's own fictionzine and the destruction of the ozone layer, and complained that NA writers were sneaking around to DWAS exec members' houses and scaring their kids by putting their noses up to the window. And I'm going to get this through my letterbox, 12 times a year.

To make it worse, their president is Jon bloody Pertwee.

No, make that *my* president! In some small way, Pertwee is now *in charge of me!*

Did nobody even *ask* Lalla Ward if she wanted to do it? Wasn't Peter Jeffrey free? When was the election for this post, exactly?

The DWAS sent me, as part of my membership pack, a letter from Jon Pertwee. I swiftly wrote him a letter back,but fortunately my legal advisor tore it from my grasp and ran off down the street with it, shouting: 'you'll thank me later!'

Well, thank you Adrian, you were right as always.

I shall let you know more when I recieve my first proper issue of 'Celestial Toyroom'. In the meantime, if you'd like to start a campaign to make someone else, *anyone* else, president of the DWAS, please let me know.

Do you think James Bree would take it on?

- Paul Cornell (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk), 24th May 1995

(Dave, you're just a straight line on legs, you know that?...)

- Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu), 25th May 1995

[more from the realms of the scavenger hunt]

#87 Pip and Jane Bakers' scriptwriting imagination (viral form)

Now, go easy with it, take it nice and - oh no! Noooooo! You fool, you've dropped it! You malignant manhandler! You butterfingered buffoon! You importune, impropitious imbecile!! I feel this strange, inexplicable desire to kill everybody and take over the Universe - everybody stand back...

- J.H. Toon (Cossack) (fi94jht@exeter.ac.uk), 25th May 1995

[On the subject of Lis Sladen]

jeremy@castle.ed.ac.uk (Jeremy Henderson) writes:
>Ooooh, yes! She certainly made a little tent in my trousers, back when that
>sort of thing was all new to me! What has she (Elisabeth Sladen??) done since?

Built a little campfire in my jacket, and dug a little latrine in my shoes...

- David Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), 26th May 1995

Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com) wrote:

A big *ickaroo* on the Heer scale. :)

Uncle Halibut VIII (richs@cogs.susx.ac.uk) replied:

A big *what*?

[And Percy said:]

The *ickaroo*s, notorious henchmen of the Terrible Zodin. Covered in hair, they hopped around like kangaroos...

- Peter Ware (percy@percyw.win-uk.net), 27th May 1995

What about Dan Blythe's new MA, cunning inspired by Uncle Halibut's attack of runningagitis? Here's the back blurb:

"It's too horrible to even consider - the whole universe being consumed by a giant tuber of Latinate origins!"

When the Fourth Doctor and Sarah get caught in a wormhole, they arrive at what looks to be 20th century Bolivia, but something is not quite right. Why are the locals so scared to dig up their vegetable crop? What strange and terrifying events go on in the old abandoned seed factory? And who is the mysterious General Oihcatscuom Evissam and his secret weapon "Il artichoko del Bolivia"?

As the Doctor investigates, he finds himself up against one of his oldest enemies, and a plan that is as terrifying as it is silly!

It's provisionally titled ARTICHOKE!! (following the tradition of JAWS etc) and is allegedly semi-autobiographical

- Robert "Luci" Ulrich (seu40@central.susx.ac.uk), 27th May 1995

[More scavengers reveal the fruits of their hunt!]

I hope I'm not too late, but the navigational controls of my TARDIS left something to be desired. For the scavenger hunt, I've found the following items of interest.

# 86.3: Mike Yates's horribly inept barber, whose name is being withheld to protect the guilty.

#1996: A copy of Sir Charles Grover's book LAST CHANCE FOR MAN, from the personal library of Al Gore.

#XXX: A pornographic videodisk of Zoe and Tanya Lernov labelled "For Leo With Love"

18 and a half: Sergeant Benton's kid sister, still waiting patiently for him outside the Chinese takeaway after almost 20 years.

#classified: Harry Sullivan's IQ test results, which place him at mega-genius level. (Apparently, he ran into Dastari and was augmented.)

#1979/83/84: Rejected designs for: Meglos (a vase of roses), the Ergon (the San Diego Chicken), and the Myrka (a pantomome Princess Mrgaret borrowed from Monty Python)

# 73a: A fan letter from little Pauly Cornell (aged 6) to Jon bloody Pertwee:

Dear Mr Pertwee, Doctor Who is my favourite television programme. When I grow up, I want to wear frilly shirts and a cape, hang out with soldiers, and fight monsters like you do. I must go now. That new Tomorrow People programme is about to start on ITV.

Long ago in an English bedroom...

Your friend, Paul C.

Whilst travelling top Gallifrey, I found the following uncategorized items.

A: The Mustache of Rassilon

B: The Hawaiian Shirt of Rassilon

C: An ancient supply of toilet paper--the REAL Black Scrolls of Rassilon.

D: The Doctor's real name: Ohowhojonsmithetasigma (or Bruce)

E: And a copy of THE RENEGADE, the underground literary magazine of Prydon Academy's Class of '92, edited by Drax, which contains the following items of interest:

1.) An article on how to use hypnosis to pick up yung Time Ladies: "Stare deeply into her eyes and say the following: 'I am (insert name here), and you will obey me.'"

2.) A page tp>

                                 ___________
The point of                    /   _____   \
David's analogy                 |  / . . \  |
---->---->---->---->---->---->--/  |  ^  |  \-->---->---->---->---->
                                   | \_/ |
                              Jill \_____/

??????!

&%$&%#$$%?$#!!!

@?#$&!%#!!

:(

--
______________________________________________________________________________
+0~ +)*$2\0~$\1      |$| "+#3 ^3~ ]0(@+10^ &03$^'+ #3]= ~*(#, $1).  ^0~ 82%
+@+2@/@9*@).*0[$.3&* |\|  0[ +#3 =30=]3 ~0)\1^9 0^ +#3 =)0/3(+ $@\ +#@+ 1[ ~3
                     |(|  #@& @ ~0@+, +#3\'& ~@^+ +0 $33 \0* +#)0~^ 1^ 1+."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-- 
 /-----------------------------------------------------------------------\
/  \ /---\   o  /  richs@cogs.susx.ac.uk   -----   "From rags to richs"   \
|   X  - o> o  /  'If wishes were fishes...' - from Original Sin.         |
\  / \---/    /  "Personally I think sliced bread is over-rated..."       /
 \_______________________________________________________________________/