Quotes from rec.arts.drwho
The
December/January 1996 Quotefile.
It is with a heavy heart that I come to you now, and announce that this
will be my last quote file.
And yet, that heart is tinged with joy, too. For I can now announce
that the quote file is returning home. Yes, starting today, the
quotefile is once again in the hands of its creator, Uncle Halibut!!!
So. To nominate stuff for the quotefile, please email a copy of the
message (forwarding the whole thing is best, but if now be sure to
include the name and email address of the poster, as well as the date it
was posted) to etlrdsr@etlxdmx.ericsson.se for consideration.
Is that a proper sentence? I dunno. Anyway, I've had a grand ol' time
with this, and I look forward to future quotefiles from Hal.
Finally, I'd like to make a special mention of the tremendous effort put
forth by Peter Anghelides. The guy is just too darned funny. Had the
file not been going back to Hal, I think I would have crowned him with a
Lifetime Achievement Award and excluded him from further quote files.
He's just too darned funny.
Right, well the bit you're actually interested in:
[NEW]
>Also, whiz clong, wallop clang twang, razz razz bang jangle,
>jangle flong, clong bong doyoyoing, whoosh bing bang doying,
>doying pop doying, bong doying, bubbly wubbly, and twang yang.
Is this more of Paul Cornell's "lurve" dialogue from "Happy Endings"?
Enquiring minds need to know. (Sorry, wrong thread.)
I have a copy of the "Paul Cornell Sound Effects" album. This includes:
Effect 3: Tea cup rattling (compare with effect 15)
Effect 11: Snogging (Benny and Jan's)
Effect 12: Snogging (Ace and Jan's)
Effect 13: Snogging (Smith and Joan's)
Effect 15: Sacrament being carried (compare with effect 3)
Effects 25-36: Owls in flight (various)
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 5, 1995
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[NEW]
>anyone for Howe-Topping-Walker?
I think David and Stephen James are such good friends that
this would never happen.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 6, 1995
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[NEW]
>> Just one thing that runs through my strange mind. Did the Doctor ever
have
>> sex (or the Time Lord/Gallifreyan equivalent) with Romana.
>> If not, why not.
> The actual fact is they did, Lalla Ward and Tom Baker were
married
>for a while. About 2 years I think. It was all the rage in England when
>they announced the engagement.
I think a quick diagram might help here:
<----Real people | fictional characters--->
|
Lalla Ward | Romana
|
Tom|Baker The Doctor
-- Paul Rhodes (paul.rhodes@liffe.com), December 6, 1995
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[NEW]
>That makes the Who universe seem big and real to me. I wouldn't want
to
>have a universe in which everything is explained and everything is
known,
>because it would seem made up. The real universe is filled with things
>I don't know about -- I want the Who universe to be like that, too.
Yes, the Who Universe should devote a lot more time to people losing
socks, finding mysterious bits of marmalade between their fingers and
wondering why people named Chad always seem to have protruding teeth.
Just like the real one.
-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), December 5,
1995
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[NEW]
>No no no Peter...the original script he was given *two* pages. The
>rewrite was *24*. Man oh man are you getting garbled information from
>Visions between this and the Sting rumour-- who's your source anyway?
>Michael Craze? Gareth Thomas?
Ooh, that stings. I'll be comin' at ya with my bowie knife later on.
This kinda idle chitchat really gets to me. Don't give me any more
hasselhoff this nature. McGann-a get outta here now.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 5, 1995
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[NEW]
[on the subject of the fifth doctor handbook]
>Oh yeah, well my copy has a rather unique problem! It seems that it has
>regenerated into a Sixth Doctor handbook!
>
>I'm not sure how it happened actually. I was reaching for my bat's
milk,
>and then it just changed! Remarkable.......
Strange. Shortly after picking up my copy, my hand started to develop
an unpleasant, itching rash. And as for the book itself... it reads
different this time.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 7, 1995
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[NEW]
Here's the full story, folks... About three months ago, Dan O'Malley
and I
fell madly in love. We're talking stuffed-animals pink-and-fluffy
400-pound-phone-bills leather whips and chains kind of love...
I've never found anyone who's quite so much into kinky sex as Dan is. In
fact, I can't think of anyone I'd rather chain myself to.
Dan's unable to be with me at the moment - he's being a selfish git and
staying in Ireland - but we're trying to find a way to be together. IRC
bondage just isn't the same as the real thing. Virtual manacles don't do
it
for me either.
(BTW, folks, don't worry, we have *no* intention of dipping our toes
into
the gene pool anytime in the forseeable future...)
-- Uncle Halibut (etlrdsr@etlxdmx.ericsson.se), December 7, 1995
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[NEW]
If you're saying that male Who fans don't like Adric
because their penises are too small, well, who cares? They still don't
like Adric.
-- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), December 8, 1995
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[NEW]
>The thought of a transvestite Doctor may annoy some of you. This
>is what I mean by cross dressing [...]
He may not have done any actual *cross* dressing as such, but I'm
sure I've seen the Third Doctor pull his jacket on in a slightly
irritated manner, and the Fourth donning his hat with a soupcon
of annoyance.
-- Dan Blythe (d.r.blythe@sheffield.ac.uk), December 7, 1995
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[NEW]
[someone asked Yads *why* a monarchy was better than a republic]
>I thought everyone knew. If there's a president, then(tm)* it's
>a republic. If it is a Republic, then(tm)* it is satanist.
>
>Therefore(tm)* if there is a president, then(tm)* there is also
>Evil Satanists in power.
* The use of the terms "then" an "therefore" in this context
is a trademark of YadsLogic, Ltd. YadsLogic is incompatible
with standard Logic Applications, and attempts to run it will
cause severe software degradation, and possible hardware failure.
-- Arturo Madigan (madigin@math.berkeley.edu), December 8, 1995
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[NEW]
> Because you're a brainless toad. So take your off-topic discussion
> OUT of my group, and stay out!
*Your* group? Actually, yes, I suppose you're right, in a philosophical
way, it is your group, in that I've become used to meeting people around
here that I wouldn't speak to in everyday life. Brigitte has posted well
and often around here, and I don't know who you are. Regard this as a
sort
of abuse voucher. It can be redeemed for some of the most bloodthirsty,
personal and vitriolic abuse that you've ever experienced. I used to be
rather known for it, and I've calmed down lately, but, if you go around
throwing meaningless macho abuse about here, claiming to speak for the
rest of us, you can have some. I'm sure I'll be hearing from you soon.
-- Paul Cornell (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk), December 9, 1995
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[NEW]
>Which is way I have always liked "Horror Of Fang Rock" where EVERYBODY
>dies except The Doctor and Leela. Which leads to my question, were
there
>any other stories in which everyone dies but the Doctor and companions?
"The Edge of Destruction".
-- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), December 8, 1995
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[NEW]
: But Peter's message is littered with humour. The "Hardware Joke"
joke, the
: "Megabyte Modem Award" joke, and, my personal favourite, the pun about
Graeme
: copying it from somewhere else. *That's* why it went in.
Looking through the quote file it's become quite clear to me that, with
only 2 or 3 actual quotes, and yet tons of other people getting in by
following up things I said or events I held (ie. the scavenger hunt),
I've become the Bud Abbott of the Quote File.
-- Graeme Burk (yu121798@yorku.ca), December 10, 1995
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[NEW]
The Doctor (doctor@nl2k.edmonton.AB.ca) wrote:
> What I am attempting to do is to marry HTML and postings, so that one
can
> get the best of both world.
Can't you make up your mind, you sick polygomous twit?
-- Andrew McCaffrey (fenric@clark.net), December 7, 1995
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[NEW]
I finally worked it out, while watching 'Carnival of Monsters'. I know
why Paul doesn't like the Pertwee era. He's miffed at being the only
member of the Discontinuity triumvirate not to be name-checked by
Pertwee in Part One!
-- Dan Blythe (d.r.blythe@sheffield.ac.uk), December 12, 1995
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[NEW]
>>The Daleks were NOT, repeat NOT named after an encyclopedia
>>spine spanning the entries from "Dal" to "Eks".
I'd heard that this story has recently been updated, in that
Terry Nation was in fact inspired by an encyclopedia volume
ranging from "Mu" to "Tants".
-- Mike Teague (etlmwte@etlxdmx.ericsson.se), December 13, 1995
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[NEW]
> Apoligies to this newsgroup; @#$%@#% .rnhead file harfed while this
was
> posting.
^^^^^^
Isn't that what William Hartnell did when he blew his lines?
-- Siobahn Morgan (morgans@cobra.uni.edu), December 13, 1995
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[NEW]
>I have Earthshock on video and I wasnt expecting Adric to get blown up
>at the end. I think when I see Timeflight ( I think thats the one) I
>will find out what they really thought of him. ( please dont post here
>saying what happens ).
They do the Latvian Dance of Joy for all of episode 1.
Ooops. Sorry.
-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), December 13, 1995
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[NEW]
[old news bulletins. . . ]
>>>Kennedy's been shot!
>>Well, I just got news that the old sergeant guy from "The Army Game"
has
>>been cast in some new BBC kids' show. Wonder if this one'll last more
>>than a season?
>Hey, what's The Army Game - sounds like a great idea for a series (or a
>film or something)
>
>Hope the War ends soon
Uggh. I saw old man who makes fire. He would not make it for us. His
tribe wore strange skins. I do not see him any more.
-- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), December 13,
1995
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[NEW]
>: How do Dalek's reproduce?
>
>Boinking?
While shouting "COP-U-LATE, COP-U-LATE!"
-- Elsa Frohman (efrohman@nyc.pipeline.com), December 15, 1995
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[NEW]
>Do we know what Ace's last name is?
Gale.
-- Jason A. Miller (jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), December 18,
1995
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[NEW]
>I mean, there were two console rooms of radically different design
>in the same TARDIS,
But that was a TARDIS 40 "Elite" SRi, Featuring:
*Power Steering
*Luxuriant Swimming Pool
*Executive Secondary Console Room in Walnut trim
*Replica Power Station Themed Interiors
*State-of-the-art "BBC Model B" graphics station and CD player
*Colour-coded door sills with "Elite" decals
(of course, the Doctor scraped the decals off in an attempt to disguise
the
vehicle)
-- Paul Rhodes (paul.rhodes@liffe.com), December 15, 1995
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[NEW]
Paul Cornell writes:
>Absolutely! 'Pretentious' generally means 'I didn't understand it, and
>that scares me.'
So there you have it. If Paul doesn't understand it, and it scares him,
then
it's pretentious. So the epitome of pretention must be "The Daemons".
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 18, 1995
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[NEW]
>I agree entirely. Web Planet really tried, and if it failed through
lack
>of technology and/or budget, well at least it did try!
Do, or do not. There is no "try."
-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), December 18, 1995
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[NEW]
>[T]here's something odd in The Discontinuity Guide that could use
>some clearing up: they say that Caves is "brilliant but overrated."
>The brilliant, I agree with. How can something be brilliant, yet
>overrated? I mean, isn't that like saying "crap but underrated"? :-)
Oh, I can easily underrate something that's crap. For example:
"'The Twin Dilemma' is the leading cause of tooth decay in western
Europe."
Or, if you prefer, I can overrate something that's brilliant:
"The countries of east Asia owe their recent phenomenal economic
growth
to 'The Caves of Androzani'."
See? Easy as pie.
-- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), December 19,
1995
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[NEW]
>Still, it was in pre-production according to Green Light or
>Luminere or Bugs Bunny or whomever was in charge at the time.
No, he does the Stranger videos.
-- Paul Shields (paul@korova.demon.co.uk), December 20, 1995
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[NEW]
> Dave "Grammarian" Yadallee:
> >@>> > "Mon Dalek et dans l'abre"
> So what Yads actually said was, "My Dalek and 'Inside the Abre.'",
Ah, but it isn't French - it's actually an ancient Kaled dialect, from
the
mist-shrouded depths of Skaro's past. It says (with an enviously
ecomical
use of words):
"I have now proven myself incapable of using a dictionary in *two*
languages."
-- Steve Leahy (steve.leahy@anu.edu.au), December 22, 1995
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[NEW]
>Legopolice. Is that part of the Town Lego collection?
I bought Legopolice for my three-year-old this year. Comes in
a tall blue box. When you open it up, it appears that there are
an impossibly huge number of pieces in it. Once you put the
thing together, it looks like a big lighthouse. I've decided that
it's too difficult for my son, since the instructions are in ancient
greek (but my great grandfather would have no difficulty) and I
couldn't face the resultant accusations from my wife. So now it
will be blissfully (almost unnaturally) quiet in my house this
Christmas, and I am beyond recriminations.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 21, 1995
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[NEW]
> well AFAIK most sitcoms share the same Universe
The Vardans' Mediasphere?
-- Steve Leahy (steve.leahy@anu.edu.au), December 22, 1995
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[NEW]
>Siobahn (Shabang) Morgan
>Still working on No Future, and loving it.
You're too late; Paul's already written it.
-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), December 21,
1995
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[NEW]
Yads said:
>Good thing I declared French r.a.dw's Second Language.
After Gobbledegook, presumably.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), December 22, 1995
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[NEW]
Yads said:
>Good thing I declared French r.a.dw's Second Language.
Making English the third, I presume ?
-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), December 22, 1995
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[NEW]
>And now, I know Andy Lane sometimes reads this newsgroup and may see
this
>message, a question - I suspect you've read more than one Larry Niven
>book, am I correct?
You're giving away my sources - for God's sake shut up before Paul
Cornell sees this!
-- Andy Lane (andylane@goldfinch.win-uk.net), December 28, 1995
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[NEW]
>Oh, I don't know - if you gave a hundred Yadses a hundred keyboards...
Then you'd better make damn sure they didn't all get net access.
-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 1, 1996
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[NEW]
>Could someone please tell me everything they know about the word
TARDIS?
It's all caps. No letter is used more than once. It isn't the same
spelled backward as forwards. Falls after the "S"s in alphabetical
order.
-- Elsa Frohman (elsaf@usa.pipeline.com), January 2, 1996
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[NEW]
> And, for those of you of a British persuasion, isn't it strange that
>now Bob Baker is writing the Wallace And Grommit movies, he immediately
>introduces a robot dog?
He wrote the previous Wallace and Gromit film "The Wrong Trousers"
(academy award winning animation), and that didn't feature a robot dog,
so "immediately" is a bit unfair. Mind you, that did feature a pair of
mechanical trousers remote-controlled by a guy in a penguin suit, so I
suppose you could accuse him of a half-hearted attempt to rip-off
"Planet of Fire".
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 3, 1996
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[NEW]
[on the subject of best looking companion]
It's got to be Kamelion, hasn't it?
-- Richard Atkinson (r.j.atkinson@durham.ac.uk), January 4, 1996
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[NEW]
>Hi all, I'm modelling the inside of the tardis in a 3d rendering
package.
>So far I've been using "The Doctor Who Technical Manual" as a
reference.
>Its missing many dimensions and isn't terribly accurate either.
Grayden, apparently the most accurate TARDIS figures you
can get are obtained by standing a teenager in pyjamas on a
library stool and getting him to shout out the dimensions as
taken from a tape measure marked in inches. Hope this helps.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 4, 1996
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[NEW]
[on the subject of yads and his web page]
Web pages are like butts. Everybody's got one but not everyone wants to
see
yours.
-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), January 4, 1996
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[NEW]
Yads wrote:
>And they all become assimilated.
>They all denounce homosexuality, commercialized culture and
Republicanism.
>The British attendees are all saying vote Liberal Democrat and
>God Save the Queen.
[et cetera et cetera, yadda yadda yadallee, snipped]
And the camera pulls back from Dave standing amidst his bucolic snow-
covered Edmonton scene, surrounded by his adoring throngs... to reveal
that it's all inside one of those little glass paperweights filled with
floating snow, sitting on Laura and Eric's desk.
The assembled throng of r.a.dw'ers stand around it, fascinated.
"You really think it was the right thing to do, trapping Yaddy in that
microscopic fantasy dimension?" asks Laura.
"Well, I figured it was the perfect place for him," says Eric. "It's a
world which completely bends to his will, with no connection to our
reality whatsoever. He should be completely happy there."
"That's just it," says some punt drunk. "Who wants Yads to be happy?"
Carrie puts on her best companion voice. "So at the moment he walked
in the door, before he dropped that flask or anything, he was zapped
into
a fantasy world?"
"Oh, he was there lonnnnnnnng before that," throws in Heer.
Jason picks up the paperweight and shakes it, sending the snow flying.
"Who
knows... in a world full of people who all think exactly like him, with
no dissention tolerated... Yaddy might actually get a date."
They all pause, considering this.
"Naaaaaaaaaah."
Eric starts herding people out of the room. "C'mon, folks, let's get
back
to the New Year's party. I hear Kate and Jon might actually make it
this
time." Jason tosses the paperweight to Graeme as they all walk,
stumble,
and/or slouch out of the room, back to some serious revelry.
Only Graeme is left in the room, holding the paperweight high. He looks
deep into it, whispers "Roooosebuuuuuuud" in a quiet rasp... and lets
it
crash to the floor.
-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 4, 1996
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[NEW]
> IMHO, the BBC should kick out Mr Segal (and I presume they retain the
> power to do that, and just make Dr Who as a 25 minute serial format,
> BRITISH production! THEN worry about selling it to the US. US
> posters don't see all the crap we get on the BBC, so can't appreciate
> that the BBC wastes tons of money which it could spend on DW. I'm
> sorry, but a US influence will compromise the style of DW. You only
> have to look at UK GLADIATORS to see that you can't copy US to UK or
> vice versa.
My resolution for this year is to get the acronym YAVSMAINGTTTY
("you're a very silly man and I'm not going to talk to you")
accepted as part of usenet argot.
-- Andrew Rilestone (andrew@aslan.demon.co.uk), January 8, 1996
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[NEW]
[arrival at the rec.arts.drwho new year's party]
Sorry I'm late. I was waiting for my costume to arrive. I had hoped
to be able to tell you I was coming, but things got a bit held up.
At one stage, I thought that either Sting or David Bowie had got hold
of my ticket. Anyway, I'm here now. My name's Paul McGann, by
the way.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 10, 1996
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[NEW]
[on the subject of best looking companion]
I go for classical beauty myself. The Egyptians believed that costume
jewellery made people more gorgeous. So shiny objects moving near to
the face made a person's appearance appear stiller, smoother, more
composed. I go for strong features, high cheekbones, someone who
looks calm and in control all the time. That's what makes K-9 special
for me.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 10, 1996
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[NEW]
>Roy Stewart, the actor who
>played Toberman in ``Tomb'', played a similar silent, strongman
character
>named Toby in ``Terror''!
>
>Does anyone know of other Doctor Who stories that had Roy Stewart in?
>Has he ever been at a Who con?
He went to an early PanoptiCon, but hasn't appeared at a subsequent
one because all they asked him to do at his first con was lug the props
around and keep quiet.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 11, 1996
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[NEW]
>I don't care who they cast but the Master isn't the Master unless he
>has an evil beard.
Indeed, I couldn't agree more. Few people realise that the reason the
Ainley Master doesn't hypnotise people as often is that his evil beard
has to struggle harder to stay on and so can't summon up the extra
concentration necessary to subdue the mind of the hapless companion.
Without
the will of the evil beard the Master would just be a big pussycat.
-- Gavin Greig (ggreig@mcs.dundee.ac.uk), January 18, 1996
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[NEW]
The A - Z of Rock 'n' Roll
ACE: File under "Forgetable" and Forget.
ADRIC YOUTH: Loud and spotty, 80s wimp-rockers. Singer later disappeared
up
Edwyn Collins' arsehole. Split-up amid acrimony and headaches.
ALPHA FOUR (the): Minor chart-band c.1968. Unremarkable.
AUTONS (the): Authentic 70s chart-act with a "thing" about cling-film.
Made
a couple of classics and left a big impression. 80s comeback often
rumoured.
AZTECS (the): Seminal "sound-of-young-Mexico", 1964. Dominated by
religious
beliefs. Floundered when historical bands became fleetingly
unfashionable.
Popular with the intellectual audience, a bore to others.
BALAZAAR AND MERDEEN: Mid-80s synth duo whose dour lyrics made
them popular with the indie crowd and an easy target for the music
press.
BANNERMEN (the): Abrasive, esoteric third generation Merseybeat group.
BIRDLAND: Bwah-hah-hah... Err, sorry.
BLOR: Since when did Chelmsford get a "SW" post code then?
BRAIN OF MORBIUS (the): Apocalyptic Welsh Heavy-Metal band.
BRIGADIER PIGEON: One-hit wonders from 1972. You must remember
'Moudly Old Doris' surely?
KATE BUSH: She wrote "Kinda", eh Paul? Might possibly have played a
tree.
That's about the size of talent involved. Next...
CASTELLAN: Britpop influenced La's spin-off. From Liverpool,
which presumably means they're all 'lads' with a criminal
record (and I'm not talking about 'The Chicken Song' either)
Chesterton: Third Division Britpop combo. Not even funny.
CLASH (the): I bought a pair of 501's once. Sold your soul to
any decent multi-nationals recently Joe?
C.V.E: Unlistenable pomp-rock dinosaurs formed by rich hippies
with more bank accounts than brain cells. Have about as much
relevance to music in the 90s as Petula Clark.
D-84-MOB: Ridiculous "sen-sational" acid house beat merchants
for the white handbag and stilletoes brigade. Like Betty Boo, but worse!
DALEKS (the): Most influential and ground-breaking musical and cultural
force of the last three decades. Formed in 1963, blah, blah, zzzzzz...
DEATH ZONE: Industrial-grunge-thrash-noise band. Quite tuneful actually.
DEF LETHBRIDGE: Laughable though it be, I admire any band who
saw their drummers arm off "for a laugh". Of course, they're
utter conservatives. Bad Tax-Exiles Livin' Outside the Law.
DIRE STRAITS OF DECAY: Who buys this stuff? I'll tell you who. People in
cagouls with two children named Jake and Rosayln, who get orgasmic at
the
thought of vampire lust and really dig that guy off the Cadbury's
chocolate cream advert who's full of monosodiumglutomate. That's who.
DOCTOR WHO AND THE SILURIANS: West-country folk band. Not very funny.
DRASHIGS (the): Unremarkable soul group from London in the 70s.
Sampled to hell as 'rare groove' a decade later. Wore Oxford-Bags with
24 inch flares, 'star jumpers' and hai-karate aftershave
DUGGAN'S TRENCHCOAT: First of the late 70s Manchester doom-bands, with
a strong set of songs about walking around in the rain after losing your
girlfriend. Great in small doses but don't overdo it.
ELDRED LIGHT ORCHESTRA: Dreadful 70s farts. Ram a cello up
their wrectum for having the cheek to go on for so bloody long.
EXTREME PEX TERROR: Shambling thrash-metal 3-piece from some
anonymous Northern provincial town.
FACELESS ONES (the): Respected mid-60s r'n'b outfit.
FANG ROCK: 70s pub-rockers. Good songs, bad hair and threads, no hits.
FLEETWOOD MACRA: Popular LA rockers with a couple of crabs as
singers. Contain a record number of ex-members currently in
institutions for the Terminally Bewildered.
FUNKADALEK: Freaky, groovy, funky... Responsible, indirectly
for Acid Jazz and Jungle. Kill 'em all now!
GOODBYE MR McCRIMMON: Edinburgh 6-piece. Songs about taking a
soldier round the rear.
ELVIS GORDON-JAGO: Singer/songwriter. The 'angry young man' of
'77. Later became a legend in his own lifetime. Currently
married to 'her out of The Pogues' and writing with McCartney. Sad.
GRAVITRONS (the): Motown vocal-group. Makers of legendary pop
singles and self-conscious LPs. Currently a backing band for Bruce
Willis.
GREEN DEATH CULT (the): Formed in the valley's by Ian and Billy
to stave off the effects of too much mushroom. Later dropped
the 'Green Death' prefix and became, simply, Led Zeppelin.
HAPPY MONDAS: Gotta big problem with bands that spend more time
in court than they do on stage.
JAMIE HENDRIX: Cut a few hot-licks on his Fender, overdosed on
his own VOMIT. Died. Then became a regular on 'Emmerdale'.
HOUSEMASTERS (the): From Hull. Used to be good. Paul Heaton
went on to The Beautiful South. Who aren't.
INSIPID CARPETS: Have got something but I'm not too sure what
it is. An out-of-tune Hammond organ perhaps? (I am indebted to
Martin Day for that joke: complaints either to him or to Mute
records for spending a million quid on these losers). The
organist's done bird, but still no cigar!
IZLYR BROTHERS (the): Kids from the ghetto's of Mars who sang
'This Ol' Heart Of Mine (Is Weak For You)'.
JOBEL AND MARY CHAIN (the): Influential, feedback-dominated funeral
parlour attendee's from East Kilbride. Wear wigs and lie about their age
KROLL: Post-punk indie-band. The vocalist sounds as though he's
being strangled by an octopus.
K9: Irish stadium rock band. Supposedly very popular although
I've yet to come across anyone that actually admits to liking them.
LES GARCON DE LA PLAUGE: The French Beach Boys. Tres pass.
MAVIC CHEN STREET PREACHERS (the): Like Birdland, only not as funny...
MR SIN: Diabolist heavy-metal. Disgusting bleeders.
OMEGA: A talentless git. (See also Oldfield, Mike...)
OSIRIS: Once upon a time there were two brothers called Horus
and Sutekh Gallagher. And they didn't like each other much. One
day, Horus said "ey our kid, did you just fookin' destroy 'alf
the galaxy, or what, like?", to which Sutekh replied "Yeh, you
wanna make somethin' of it?"
PELADON: Crap 70s glam-rockers. Still big on the lucrative club circuit.
PRALIX, ELVIS: Never the same after he came out of the Chancery
Guard and got into Pulibc Service Video's.
PRINCE REYNART: Sexy state-side funkster.
PSYCHEDELIC FUNGUS: Never trust any band with that word in their name.
Q STAR: A band that sell more tee-shirts than records. Given
the abysmal state of education in this country, unsurprisingly
popular with students.
QUARKS (the): Catatonic late 60s super-group.
SEX PRIMODS: Seminal new-wave band. Then they sacked Glen the-
talented-one, got hyped all the way to America by Malcolm
McMoney and employed a smackhead (whipser it) murderer. What a swindle.
SISTERHOOD (the): Formed on Karn by Andy Eldrich as a contractual
obligation
ALISTAIR L. STEWART: Over-rated producer, also half of a over-
rated duo. When asked who he prefers working with, usually
comments, "Wonderful singers, all of 'em..."
SARAH-JANE SMITHS (the): Current Rough Trade advertising
policy; featuring Andy Rourke, Johnny Marr, Mike Joyce, Craig
Gannon... (and some other bloke whos name escapes us...)
STONE ROSES OF BLOOD (the): ... Sorry, who?
TACHYON HEADS (the): Nouveau-rich New York intelligencia punk band.
T-MAT EXPLODES (the): Formed by Jules, Dave and Gazza during a weird
acid
trip in the two hours waiting for somebody to fly them to the moon.
T-REXMAS: Marc Bolan was on the radio y'know? And the tree... And
the dasboard... And halfway up the M4...
Yes, the old ones are *always* the best...
TEGAN: Australian Roxy Music rip offs. Better than INXS.
THEY MIGHT BE IN LAND OF THE GIANTS: Zany Stateside outfit, 60s
based, a lot of their material ended up in Disney studio's and
down the plughole. Nice flares though.
TRAVELLING CHUMBLIES (the): Ultimate in bad-taste supergroups.
Formed because Dylan had run out of cocaine money and
Harrison's last three films had flopped. Interesting to
speculate on the Big 'O's motives (a decent funeral perhaps?)
Accountants may be able to justify such excess but anyone under
30 who buys these records deserves the contempt of their generation.
TRANSDIMENTIONAL VAMP: According to Cornell in 1987 they were the most
important new thing to happen to the British pop sense in a decade.
Really!
TROUGHTON AND THE VANDELLAS: Motown girl-group.
TWINS: Romulus and Remus Goss have had their 15 minutes and now
face the debts of fourteen grand a week.
ULTIMA MACHINE: Italian House superstars in the 80s.
VELVET UNDERWORLD: New York weirdo's formed when asteroids
attached themselves to the snots of Lou Reed and John Cale.
Influential with anyone who likes black clothes, loud songs and
banana's. Sterling Morrison left in 1970 to form the Jesus and Mary
Chain.
WHO (the): Formed in 1963 by Syd (the Kid) Newman, Wavey-Dave
Whittaker, Bad Billy Hartnell and Verity Lambert (the boring one)...
X4-TC: From Swindon, which pretty much sums them up.
YO-MASTER BASSHEAD AND THE PSYCHIC CIRCUS: Boring gimme-a-gun-
somebody, serious-sexy cat with a MASSIVE codpiece. Unique for
being the only artist to rhyme 'I live in da ghetto, an' ah'm
angry' with 'so why dontcha lick my love-pump honey-chile...'
ZOE: Unlistenable techno babbleheads.
ZOG: Ex-King of Albania, an absolute stinker (see also Topping, Keith)
-- Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk), January 18, 1996
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[NEW]
>And, to get the ball rolling: "The Mutants". I don't like it. Wooden
>acting on every count, awful incidental music, rotten direction from
>Chris Barry, who just isn't that good in color. Dave's ball.
What do you mean "in colour" ? All seven episodes of "The Mutants" were
made in Black and White! And shouldn't Richard Martin share the blame -
he
directed some of the episodes as well as Chris Barry!
-- Dave Owen (dro@dsbc.icl.co.uk), January 19, 1996
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[NEW]
> I can't quite remember if I liked the story "The Seeds of
>Doom" with Tom Baker. Was it a quality story?
I can't quite work out:
(a) Have you lost your short term memory? (In which case, you would
prefer "Terminus".)
(b) Do you prefer to have other people control your thoughts and
actions?
(In which case, you would prefer "The Pirate Planet".)
(c) Do you wish to invite flames from "Seeds" fans? (In which case, you
would prefer "Planet of Fire".)
Hope this helps.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 19, 1996
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[NEW]
>>Considering that your own Sir Francis Drake sailed
>>into San Francisco Bay, that's about as much "history" as our
>>post-Columbian continent could possibly have.
>Our continent came into existence after Columbus? Oh, you mean we just
>*think* it did. I do keep hearing rumors of something called "native
>Americans," who presumably have a vast and rich history of there own,
but
>I suppose they don't count. . .
I'm sorry, but, despite a valiant effort, your post has failed to veer
off
the point sufficiently to meet Deel standards.
Please make an effort to be less relevant in the future.
Sincerely,
Brigadier Sir Arthur Charles Deel (Mrs.)
-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), January 19, 1996
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[NEW]
>In The Three Doctors, the Time Lords had to use Pertwee in the 1970's
>because as far as they were concerned (ie: in Gallifrey time) Pertwee
was
>the Doctor. The future incarnations didn't exist.
Then again, there's always the revivalist theory. That is, the Time
Lords
can only contact the incarnation of the Doctor living in the time that
Gallifrey is currently enjoying a revival of.
In this way, the Three Doctors *had* to use Pertwee's Doctor, because
their flared robes meant they could only reach him during the 1970s.
Similarly, Arc of Infinity had to use Davison's Doctor, because only he
and his 1980s companions would fit in with their multi-coloured robes,
art
deco sets and pointless backgrounds.
It's only with the thought of the 1990s Time Lords sitting around in
Lycra
bike pants that this theory becomes truly scary.
-- Robert Smith? (g9526329@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA), January 18,
1996
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[NEW]
>Pardon my ignorance, but it's been stated that the new Master and
>companion are going to be one shots. What does this mean?
It means that they can be killed with one rifle round. Unlike, say,
Bok, who is a five-shot.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), January 22, 1996
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[NEW]
>Look, Yaddo-Eric Roberts is the Master. Full stop. Neither you nor me
>nor the Ghost of Robert Homes can stop that now. Live with it.
Segal's
>mind is made up and there's no way he's gonna change it this late in
the
>day.
Oh, don't mind Dave, he's just acting Ainley-retentive again...
-- Jonathan Blum (jblum@access.digex.net), January 25, 1996
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[NEW]
>I have so far managed to collect quite a few Dr Who novelisations and
>script books etc and have always befor slotted the adventures in in a
>place chronalogical with the Doctor. How do I do this with these which
>(and I may be wrong wrt K9+co) do not feature any incarnation of the
>Doctor?
The only sensible solution is to put them on a separate shelf. This
shelf
should intersect the Doctor Who shelf at The Five Doctors, at an angle
of
precisely 90 degrees (or 45 degrees if you don't regard them as canon).
-- Paul Rhodes (paul.rhodes@liffe.com), January 26, 1996
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[NEW]
>>I need to create my own version of hell for a college class, and I
decided
>>to use Doctor Who as a model. What I came up with as the
personification
>>of evil was the Gods of Ragnarok. These Gods will rule hell, with the
>
>Sorry about asking the obvious question, but: "What happened to the
>Black Guardian?"
The blood-chilling effect of Evil staring you down in a dark
alley is somewhat lessened when Evil's hat starts quacking.
-- Jason A. Miller (jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu), January 28,
1996
--
Christopher D. Heer: Because You Only Live Once | cheer@eskimo.com
He's back, and it's about time! Doctor Who, | Not just cheer. . .
all new, coming to Fox in May! | all tempa-cheer!