I guess I don’t understand. What is to become of those who sacrifice their emotions for self-inflicted psychological trauma? Do they grow? Do they learn? Do people really expect things will just work themselves out? OUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! QUESTIONS! It seems the numbers of questions a man can come up with and cause himself grief are simply numbered in the billions. The answers ,however, you could count on one hand.
I love Leslie. It kills me to see her so distraught and angry. The part that really hurts is I am directly the cause of this abuse that she has morphed her world into. Part of me wishes she’d never made that phone call. Part of me wants to hate her for causing this pain I feel because of her. A lot of me wants to believe she does it to herself. But most of me wants to shower her in love of which I am not capable to give. It seems the harder I try the worse off she becomes. I tried to be there for her, that didn’t work she just hated me more. I tried to give her the space she apparently needed, she hated me for abandoning her. I tried to swing with the moods and adapt as I am so adept at doing. She hated me for not being there to be beaten on. I love her and I would never abandon her. I just don’t know what to do. So sadly I have reverted to a very impersonal psychological point of view. Asking only “Why do you feel that way? How could you change it? How would you go about making that change? Yata. yata”
It hurts to treat your best friend like that but she has drifted so far away, she has pushed me away so hard I am beginning to feel it would be in her best interests for me to leave. I am very sad. So very, very sad.
July, 25 2002 12:50 PM
Today my life changed. I may not yet fully understand how. Nor will I know exactly when I’ll be affected or by what. But I called the crisis center. There was a girl there by the name of Sarah. She said things so clearly and put it all so straightforward. I cannot believe how she has made me feel. Stirred to action.
I have a lot of debt. So what. I’ll muddle out of it. It doesn’t define me. It doesn’t own me. I am not defined by my material possessions nor am I defined by some bureaucratic horsepucky! I am Johnathan and you hear me roar! Or be stomped down in my path.
This is for Me. Written by Me. And will be read by me every time I give up. Or every time I don’t feel like I can do it anymore. Its just money, its just clothes, furniture, cd’s, etc. It isn’t you, it is not a physical extension of your person. Get over it. If you are reading this you are still alive and you’ll remain that way until the day you die. Use it well. One day at a time John.
August, 16 2002 12:50 am
I really don’t need to be awake but here I am. Well to catch up real quick. I got a job at the university seems to be a good thing. I have started to come out of the woods and now I am recoiling instead of being all strung out. Stress it still there it just no longer rules me. Blah blah, anyway I apparently felt it was going to be beneficial to write. Nope.
December, 14 2002 1:23 pm
Well let me tell you it has been awhile since my last entry for a reason. Some shit has hit the fan gone thru the ventilation systems and gassed all the crew in the building. Well let me start from the beginning, if I can find it.
August to now … Hmmm.. Well. At that point I was living in Columbia in hell striving to survive and not go crazy. Still jobless my credit had fallen into an irreversible whirlpool to the bottom of the sludge bucket. Amazing how tar begets tar. Leslie was talking about moving onto campus. To make a long story short for my lack of attention span: she moved. I got sad. Started smoking. Didn’t answer phone credit demons were the only ones calling. Frequented gay.com swearing it off every time I logged off. Did a few tricks to support my smoking. Lost a lot of weight. Then one night I went to meet a hookup and ended up staying for four days. I am not sure who manipulated who, however, I moved in that week. His name was and is Richard. I moved in under an understanding of and I quote “roommates”. More like a live in hook up and some cum to suck is what it turned out to be for him. However I Thought I was in love and was blindly throwing myself to what seemed finally some good juju. I was in love it turns out. But that is besides the point. He would bring trick after trick to our house in his normal drunken state. We’d play and I’d be left to clean up the mess. Sometimes the mess was that the trick was ugly and Richard basically made it so he wasn’t involved and it was MY problem. Bastard. Then there was the issue of my stuff. I was a little disjointed for a few weeks as the last year was catching up with me. My logic being “now that I am finally in a “safe” place I can think”. Well one night whilst I was puking up about a gallon of vodka because I had finally decided to get trashed. Kyle, Richards friend came to visit. Wow was he hot. So I sobered up and off we went. That night Leslie had come to see me for my birthday. I felt kinda bad I blew her off. So that was the first time I had tried am evil drug and apparently it makes me very horny “or so I thought it was just Kyle”. So we had great conversation and great sex for about 9 hours or so, Richard was there to. He was the beer bitch. And he knew it.. So in the afterglow and after the beer bitch had drunken himself unconscious, Kyle became very upset. He had deep deep felings for me, and did not want to mess the friendship with Richard. Anyway so time kinda gets sketchy. Basically I decided to go to Florida on a whim. I wanted to see the ocean before I died. Because tomorrow I could be hit by a bus… and I didn’t remember the ocean and that was unacceptable. It was something I was putting off anyway. So basically I was getting to the ocean however I could. I called Kyle and asked if he would like to join me. He agreed and we left for a week hell bent on the beach. So I got to the beach and relished every second of it. Decisions became clear, perspective was gained and inner peace for one of the few moments in my life was found and welcomed with open arms. It was then alone on the beach and watching the tide roll in I realized I loved two men for different reasons. One who was generous and loving but rather far below my intellect making conversation and communication impossible to inexistent. Then the other man who was sweet smart and basically everything I wanted in a man all wrapped into one, with one kinda gigantis oopsy. What was a boy to do. But decisions being clear as they were I decided not to decide and rather let things develop as the goddess saw fit. Well she did. So here I am now because I went out with Kyle. I mean out not dating. (although we were dating but that’s not supposed to matter at this point.) Richard and I had mutually agreed to dissolve into roommates, or so I thought. But I forgot the arrangement that Richard and his former “straight” roommate had. They didn’t date because Richard would be a shitty boyfriend and Kevin was straight. But Richard blew him like every night and it was understood that they were in love with out saying it. Kevin shot himself through the brain with Richards deer rifle. In the very same room I was living in when I was there. So that being said. I am not Kevin and I never will be. But that’s what Richard wanted. So got a little off track but here we go. So Kyle and I went to dinner then to the bar and had a few drinks. I was drunk and decided I did not want to return to “hostile territory” so I stayed the night with Kyle but called Richard so he would not worry. The next day I slept it off and then got up and went out again with Kyle this time seeing a movie. I fully intended to be going home after we got something to eat. After the movie. Then Richard called Kyle and asked if I was there. Kyle said “yeah” and asked if he wanted to talk to me Richard said no and hung up.
Moaning in loathing hatred of the drama being caused as I spoke I called Richard and asked why he didn’t want to speak with me. He gave some bullshit answer and I asked if he was angry. He replied “Wouldn’t matter if I was.” Then hung up. I said whatever and started to think of places to eat. You could think damn you’re a dick or something but if have ever been around Irrational Richard especially when he was drunk, which he was, you’d understand it was better to blow it off and get some food. Bout Ten minutes later Kyle’s phone rang, I answered because it was Richard. He asked if Kyle was there and proceeded to ask Kyle what “we” had done that day. Kyle replied “ Well we saw a Movie and he grabbed some applications, and..” Richard interrupted and started yelling finishing with you tell him I don’t care if he lives with you but tell him to get his shit and leave.” Then hung up. Well me being the brazen asshole I am I did just that. Kyle and I drove out there and met with the angry little drunk fuck. Packing, immaturity and a death threat to Kyle. And I had enough of my shit packed I was leaving. Anyway, there was a lot of drama, drama, drama. So now I am talking to you from Kyle’s Parents house. Kyle got me new tarot cards for Christmas the sweety. I did a reading for both of us and they were both good but warning. So life is going to improve and I think this event was the finally of the learning year. Now I see that there will be much more learning but the last year has been the equivalent of 40 credit hours simultaneously. I think I passed with a B-.
Here’s hoping for the next life semester.
Griff
December 16, 2002 3:26 AM
This will be my last entry. I have never even imagined that what happened to night could have possibly been something that would really come to pass. Lives were ruined in the blink of an eye. People are in serious trouble. And it didn’t need to be. It was all unnecessary. Useless. Uncalled for, and stupid. I will forever remember the events that transpired this night and I will never be the same. For those who read this. I do love life. I will succeed, I will flourish. The are no choices left. I have decided, I will be going down the path put in front of me. I will be acting on my life and taking control. I will never become him. I will never be like him. I guess it took a lot to get it thru my thick skull. But whats done is done. No going back all you have is the future and I plan to spend it well.
Forever loving,
Griff
