BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.   

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT:   Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.   

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.   

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT:   You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.   

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.   

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.   

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT:   You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.   

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.

FAULT:   Bar has closed.

ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.   

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.

FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.

ACTION: Cover mouth.   

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.

FAULT:   You are dancing on the table.

ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.   

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.

FAULT:   It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.

ACTION: Punch him.   

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.

FAULT:   You have been in a fight.

ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.   

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.

FAULT:   You've wandered into the wrong party.

ACTION: See if they have free beer.   

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.

FAULT:   The beer is too weak.

ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.   

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.

FAULT:   Beer is just right.

ACTION: Play air guitar.