We here at WebTV are pleased to be able to inform you of the new upgrades which will be implemented on December 12th of this year. These upgrades will comprise:

• IMAGES - You will now be able to see images with your WebTV, just as regular computer users all over the world have been able to do for some time now!
• SOUNDS - A brand new type of sound called "analog" will now be used on WebTV, enabling you to hear sounds such as: dogs barking, rain, or Thomas Edison reciting "Mary Had a Little Lamb"!
• BEEF STEW LIGHT - Your mail light will now come on automatically when anyone you know is eating beef stew!
• FIFTEEN NEW ERROR MESSAGES - Our brand new error messages, coupled with our old ones, will appear randomly whenever there is a problem with a selection. They range from "This page is too boring to be shown completely" to "Your curlers are in too tight, lady".

1. Beginning December 8th, no mail will be delivered to anyone on WebTV without an 'm' in their name.
2. You will not be able to turn on your WebTV box between 5 p.m. and 8:30 p.m., but will instead receive a 40,000 volt shock.
3. Between the hours of 9 a.m. and 11 p.m., only the following websites will be accessible from WebTV:
   1. Dr. Phibes' Self-Help For People Who Think They're Astronauts
      ( http://www.callingbuzzaldrin.com)
   2. The "Corn In Various Stages of Packing" Page
      ( http://members.corn.cob)
   3. The Delta Burke Fan Club
      (http://www.areyougonnaeatthat?.com)

Finally, during the week of December 16th, your mail service will resume and will adhere to revised conditions for about another week. (See chart below)

We are looking forward to making your WebTV experience as (ahem) "interesting" as possible in the coming months, and believe me, we are as excited as you are about the new upgrades!