Sunday, February 15th, 2004 -- Attack on Jesus Ranch

"I feel like I'm being attacked," he said.

Was I attacking him?  What a terrible irony if I was for there I felt like I was defending something...  or maybe I really felt like I was defending myself.  I was quiet the entire way home while my friends joked about and criticized a movie we had just seen -- a movie that I greatly enjoyed.  They all said they liked it, yet they said little of anything about it that they actually enjoyed. Instead they talked of how they would have done it instead or what they felt was missing, or simply laughed at parts that they found humorous for whatever reason.  Finally, at home, I speak up.  "Well maybe they didn't want to do it that way", I say, "or maybe that was how the director thought he really would act.  It makes sense particularly since it made you think in the same way that people really did when it happened."  One person who listened chimed in to further my point. 

"Whoa, I said I like the movie, and here I point out one little thing and I feel like I'm being attacked for it."

*sigh*

I see how silly it is, and refuse to enter into useless arguing and simply walk upstairs to my room as I process through why this is so important to me and why I should feel so sad and hurt like yesterday when I was feeling so much better. I even remember playing a game with my friends yesterday and saying, "Thanks, that really cheered me up."  I was thinking this while I passed by this laptop and I realized why.  I never explained why I was sad.  I never explained it to anyone, and maybe it deserves to be explained.  Yesterday, I was working backstage, and before the show after we had prepared everything we were simply waiting for the show to start and we were all talking.  Well...I  was trying to talk, but time after time one of my co-workers would interrupt me and eventually make fun of me ...  topping it off with "James is the easiest person to interrupt. You just say something really quickly and he shuts up."  He was doing all this in good fun and not out of any malice for me, but what I don't think anyone there noticed was that I didn't really talk to anyone in the crew that night unless dealing with Tech issues or directly answering a question. 

The fact was that I was being hurt. 

I know, I know, the scriptures tell us to not let the sun set with heart against your brother or something like that...don't worry.  I had already forgiven him and I've forgiven my friends.  However, that doesn't stop me from being hurt.  It doesn't stop me from wanting to cry because of how stupid this all is, even as I write this.  I feel terribly trapped.  I want to just move on, but I also don't want this to happen again.  I want people to be aware of what's going on, but I don't want there to be all the useless bickering I've heard go on and on and on and on.  I don't want to have to correct anyone, to rebuke, or whatever.  I just want people to be aware, but I know that if I approach these people they'll get either defensive or accusatory or might just feel bad and these are all things that I don't want.  There's nothing to really change.  It's not like when people use the word "fairy" or "fruit" around me in a way that's demeaning to homosexuals.  It's not like when someone's falling into sin.  It's just...

*sigh*

I don't even know what it is.  Why did I even take it personally?  Maybe it's because I take everything personally.  Is that what's supposed to change?  Do I just stop having feelings over things?  It's a part of who I am -- a gift I've been told. 

Oh well, I have to go.

* * *

Okay, I'm back.  Something else occurred to me while I was gone.  I act more when others who aren't even present are being attacked than when I myself am being attacked.  Some part of me almost felt like it wasn't fair that this director was getting so much criticism without having anything said in appreciation for his work.  Well..almost nothing.  So I do take everything personally.  It's just that I usually don't let things affect me the way this did.  Now that I think about it, it's probably because of what happened with that co-worker that I  blew up today... but I didn't even think I was blowing up.  Maybe he just felt  a portion of what I was feeling, projected through words that were delivered with a bit of extra effort behind them but with no purposeful malice. 

Or maybe it's because i'm usually so passive with the way I talk. Any time I say anything with any sort of conviction, it seems, people think that I'm angry at them or accusing them or something like that.  It's really quite surprizing because most of the time there really isn't anything negative behind it. 

*heavy breath*

God help me.  I'm trying to cast away these ridiculous burdens, and simply trust in you, my Lord.  I just don't really know how.  I wish to cast away all wordly sorrow.  I would rather be drenched in Godly sorrow without joy than to be caught in the murky waters of worldy sorrow.  Help me to be your disciple.