Star Trek vs Star Wars.

Copyright 1997 David Hopper. 



(Authors forenote. This story takes place around the time of the

evacuation of the ice world Hoth during the Imperial invasion. Star 

trek characters are the property of Paramount, star wars characters 

are the property of Fox. I forgot who Bill and Tedd are the property 

of, but I am the property of myself.)



Comment? Suggestions? E-mail me at Tom@hop-per.demon.co.uk.

NO smart arse-comments about my E-mail address thank you so very, very 

much.. 



Kirk: Captains log. After... visiting another half.... dozen... worlds,

        where people... represe themselves.... to the rule of a....

        super...... computer, I have..... bedded three dozen of their....

        minor female.... political leaders, started various rebillions,

        and in the more desperarte cases, done my party trick

        and........ talked the said computer to death. We are now on

        our way to..... rendevous..... with the... USS... Constipated.....

        which has reported seeing something.... strange.

Spock: Sensors indicate we are entering the system the Constipated

        is supposed to be at.

Kirk: Anything...Unusual?

Spock: NO. Nothing out of the ordinary. Except of course that the

        Constipated is not there and there are no signs of debri.

Kirk: Nothing unusual there. Oh well might as well inform....

        Starfleet that they might as well chalk off another starship.

        Put it down to experince.

Sulu: Captain. Theres an anomoly off the port bow.

Kirk: Hum. Seems like a usual day.

Checkov: Ve are being pulled in it Keptain.

Kirk: So far so good. Just a typical day... again.



(McCoy enters the bridge)



McCoy: What in tarnation are you up to Jim? Don't you know we

        have hardly any blah blah blah. We can't take the risk blah

        blah blah. Your going to kill us all blah blah blah. Might

        have to declare you insane blah blah blah.

Spock: The doctor does have a logical point captain.

McCoy: (taken aback, stumbles to the floor.) What, your agreeing

        with me?

Spock: Yes. This is a dangerous situation and we have no knoledge

        of where this anomoly will take us.

Kirk: But I haven't even given any orders yet.

Sulu: Captain, we are in the anomoly.

Spock: Two late.



(the ship starts shaking, people fall about in different directions, the

navigational console practicle falls apart as Sulu and Checkoff wrestle

to stay on it. lights flash, Scotty keeps calling on the intercom. Women

scream, a tribble gives birth just for the hell of it, then dissapears down 

a hole in a wall. Eventually everything returns to normal.)



Kirk: (wearing Uhuras uniform) REPORT!

Spock: No damage, allthough the navigontional console prop nearly

        fell over again. Minor annoyance on all decks. And your in

        Lt Uhuras uniform.

Kirk: Wha? (takes it off.) Here Lt. Now wheres my uniform?

Checkov: Look at the size of that thing.

Kirk: What? (looks down. His pants ARE still on) What are you

        babeling on about. I have my pants o- GOOD LORD!



(on the viewscreen we see a fleet of Imeprial star destroyers around the 

Ice world of Hoth.)



Kirk: (looks at star destroyer) Yikes.



(run credits. "Space, the final frontier. And all that jazz.")



Episode title. The Enterprise strikes back.

By David Hopper and George Lucas.



(cut to the imperial star destroyer. Admiral Piett and General Veers are 

standing over the dead body of admiral Ozzel. Recently force choked to 

death.)



Piett: someone get Ozzels body out of here.

Veers: aye sir.

Piett: Report.

Officer #1: The Rebels shield is up and our sensors can't penitrate it.

Officer #2: Temporal anomoly forming.

Veers: Wrong show, morron.

Piett: (ignores Veers) On screen. What kind of ship is that?



(Cut to Enterprise. Kirk is now wearing the green wrap around)



Checkov: (whispering to Sulu) The Keptain has his veight pwoblem

        again.

Sulu: (looks at Kirk over his shoulders) Yeah, but he won't admit

        thats the reason he's wearing it. He says it looks cool on him.



(they both burst out laughing.)



Kirk: Whats so funny?

Checkov: Nothing Keptain.

Sulu: Nothing sir.

Kirk: Humpf. Spock. Report... what do those sensors of yours

        detect?

Spock: The closest ship is nearly an eigth the size of spacedock.

        Armed with laser cannons and has a similar deflector system

        to our own.

Kirk: Laser cannons? Hah. They can't hurt us. They can't pentrate

        our navigational screens.

Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed.

Kirk: On screen.

Uhura: Audio only sir.

Kirk: On screen MISTER.

Spock: Jim, sensors also indicate that we are in a different galaxy.

        I'm only telling you because I know you can keep your head 

        in a situation like this. It also seems it was some kind of time 

        warp. TO put it mildy, we are in a Galaxy far, far away and a

        long time ago.

Kirk: A DIFFERENT BLOODY GALAXY?



(Uhura works her magic and Piett and Captain Needa appear on screen 

arguing.)



Needa: Lord Vader put me in charge.

Piett: I'm the ranking officer here.

Kirk: Gentlemen. Identify.... yourselves. Are you responsible for

        bringing me and my.... ship... here?

Needa: Who are you?

Kirk: James R- er James T Kirk of the starship Enterprise.

Piett: I'M in charge here Admiral.

Needa: (sarcasictly) Yes, Captain. Whatever you say captain. (to

        Kirk) waitasec. Kirk? Theres only one man who's dramatic

        pauses are so   obnoxiously long.

Kirk: Yes. This is Kirk here.

Piett: Are you famous or something?

Kirk: Yeah, I'm in the Guiness book of records. I've got lots of kids.

Needa: How many are legimate?

Kirk: WHAT?

Needa: Even here we have heared of you Kirk. Stay out of our way.

        Or we will destroy you.

Piett: (sulks and sucks his thumb) It not fair. I'm in charge. (view

        screen goes off)

Spock: Captain, sensors show that there is an entire fleet of ships like

        this one. All armed with laser cannons. Aimed at us.

Kirk: A whole fleet of ships like the Enterprise?

Spock: No. Like the star destroyer.

Kirk: Well, phrase your sentinces better. OK people. Conference

        room now. I want a full report.



(conference room. All of the main cast are there playing twister, except 

Checkov who is spinning the spinny thing for them.)



Spock: (from somewhere near the bottom) Captain, I fail to see

        where this is getting us.

McCoy: (has his left arm inbetween Uhura legs, and his head

        underneath Sulu chest.) It's fun, you green bloodied....

        Vulcan.

Spock: (raises an eyebrow)

Kirk: Ok ensign. Spin.

Checkov: (spins the spinny thing.) Place your left hand on a wed

        circle, Keptain.

Kirk: (tries to do this, and eveybody falls down.)

Spock: (muffled) I believe we should do some constructive work  now.

Kirk: (uniform already ripped and his face dirty.) Then lets have

        your report.

McCoy: Jim. That was a new shirt.

Spock: (annoyed) Do you mind? Sensors now show that the fleet is

        attacking this ice plannet. We've monitored their reports and

        these indicate that they belive there is a rebel base operating

        down there.

Kirk: Rebels? You mean these people are fascists?

Sulu: Uh oh.

Kirk: Then we must help them.

McCoy: The fascist or the rebels?

Kirk: (ignores McCoy) We must help them escape. Then we must try

        to destroy the empire and free the universe from their

        clutches. Because... Gentlemen... Freedom... Is...Eveybody's!

        Right!It's!NOT!A!PRIVALAGE!IT!IS!THEIR!RIGHT!THE

        !RIGHT!OF!EVERY!MAN!WOMEN!AND!CHILD!GIVEN!BY!GOD!

Spock: Captain, would you mind coming down off the table? Mr

        Scott has some bad news.

Scotty: The engines canna take it.

Kirk: Aw.

Checkov: Beside. Duwing one of youw "dwamatic" pauses, the fleet

        attacked and the webels bawely escaped with theiw lives.

Kirk: Sulu.... Whats their top speed?

Sulu: Something similar to warp 5.

Kirk: Hah. Lay in an intercept course. Warp 7. Shields up weapons

        armed.

McCoy: Now wait a minute. (everybody pauses midway of getting

        up) We didn't even have a fake vote. shouldn't we be trying to

        get home?

Kirk: Oh alright. Who's for it.

Scotty: For what?

Kirk: For attacking the Empire.



(Checkov raises his hand)



Kirk: And against?



(everybody puts their hands up. Checkovs hand stays up.)



Kirk: You can't vote twice.

Checkov: I'm not woting, si.

Kirk: Then what?

Checkov: I need to go vee vee.

Kirk: Then go. Well, it's agreed. (everyone looks confused) I'm the

        Captain, I'M in charge. I say we attack them with out mercy.



(the crew groan and leave the conference room.)



(commercial brake)



Next week on StarTrek Voyager.



Janeway: What kind of plannet is that?

Tuvok: It is a flat plannet.

Chakotay: Impossible.



A world that brakes every law of science.



Tuvok: Sensors indicate- Impossible. The sensors must be broken.

Janeway: What is it?



A world that stretches reality so thin, you can almost see it.



Tuvok: The plannet is flat and disc shaped, and is supported on the

        backs of four enormous elephants about the size of a Galaxy

        class starship. And they are on the back of a ginormous turtle

        the size of space dock.

Kim: Cool.

All: Shut up.



The Discworld.



(The crew beams into the Library of Unseen University)



Janeway: Well, this seems normal enough.

Paris: Yeah? Why does the room feel like it goes on for ever?

Kim: (points at the Librarian) Whats a monkey doing here?

Librarian: (picks Kim up by the ankles and starts to bash him around

        face first on the hard stone surface. Various members of UU

        faculty appear.)

Ridcully; He's not a mo- one of them. He's an orangutan.

Tuvok: Whats the differnce?

Riduclly: (watching Harry being body slammed into a bookcase.)

        Generally, it's whether you want to keep your teeth in your

        mouth or your hat.

Bursar: Please, ale of pint a.

Torres: Huh?

Dean: He's going through yesterday again. Backwards.



(a couple of Ensigns die in an explosion. The grim reaper appears.)



Death: YOUR NOT ON MY LISTS.

Ensign: Does this mean we get to live?

Death: CERTAINLY NOT.



Ridcully: How was I to now it would turn your helmsman into a

        frog?

Janeway: We had signs on that shuttle saying "DO NOT USE".

        thanks to you, Paris has evolved into a salamader again.

Ridcully: I'm a Wizard. We fiddle with things.

Tuvok: Isn't it logical to understand something first?

Ridcully: No. We're Wizards. Fiddle first, understand latter.



(cut to scene where Harry and the Bursar are pulling faces at each

other.)



Janeway: HARRY! Cut that out.

Kim: (points at Bursar) He started it.

Bursar: (points at Kim) He started it.

Kim: HEY!

Bursar: HEY!



(end commercial brake)



(The Enterprise is traveling through space at Warp 7. A couple of Tie

fighters come streaking towards them.)



Spock: Minimal shielding. Laser guns. Captain these are not a viable

        threat to us.

Kirk: Mr Checkov. Lock weapons and fire.

Checkov: Aye aye Keptain.

Spock: Jim, it would be murder. They can't even hurt us.

Kirk: They the ones attacking us, I'm just taking appropriate action.

McCoy: By blasting them out of the sky?



(phaser death comes spitting out of the Enterprise and destroys all the Tie 

fighters.)



Spock: That got their attention. Jim. One of the large triangles is

        dropping out of warp and waiting for us.

Kirk: Fire when ready.

Spock: Their shields are as good as ours sir.

Kirk: Never stopped us before. Fire.

McCoy: Jim, starfleet will have your command for this.



(the phasers fire continusly at the star destroyer and bounce off the

shields. The star destroyer fires back. on the enterprise everybody goes 

flying.)



McCoy: Sure Spock their lasers can't hurt us. Shesh.

Kirk: Photons.

Spock: Doctor, I merly stated that their laser cannnot pentrate our

        shields. I did not say they could not toss us about like

        exploding pop corn. Their laser beams are after all an eight

        the size of our bridge in radious.



(the photons brake through the shields and destroy one of those golf

balls things.)



Spock: Their shields are down captain.


Kirk: FIRE!

Checkov: Aye aye you obnoxous bastawd.



(the phasers fire, the star destroy take heavy damage. it fires back

then it blows up.)



Kirk: What a bunch of wusses.

Spock: Bad news Captain.

Kirk: what is it spock? Did the rebels get killed?

Spock: No.

McCoy: Has Sliders been cancelled again?

Spock: No.

Scotty: did mah hagis get burnt?



(all eyes fall on Scotty)



Spock: No.

Checkov: Did Lavine marry Shirley?

Spock: NO!

Uhura: Are there naughty photos of me on the Internet?

Spock: Yes, but thats not bad news.

Uhura: (looks stunned)

Kirk: Man, I gotta see those photos.

Spock: The bad news is that the ENTIRE fleet has turned around and

        is heading our way.

Kirk: (working at console) Anything else?

Spock: The largest ship is the size of Spacedock.

Kirk: Yikes!

Spock: Frightning isnt it?

Kirk: (looking at screen on command chair) What?

Spock: The fact that they have a ship the size of space dock. I doubt

        we stand a chance against them.

Kirk: Oh, er, yes. I was distractacted by these photos of Uhura I've

        just downloaded. Man oh man.

Checkov: Vov!

Sulu: Hubba hubba.

McCoy: Well I be-

Scotty: Ah ye absent minded perverts. Why cannae ye keep ye minds

        on something usefull? Like ah do?

Kirk: Most likely that would mean reading a technicle journal?

Scotty: Aye.

Kirk: Why does most engerneers seem to be celebrate?

Scotty: HEY!



(suddenly a red phone box lands in the middle of the bridge, apparently 

from nowhere. Two youths step out.)



Bill: Wooaaaah.

Tedd: Most excerlent.

Kirk: Who are you?

Bill: I am Bill- (the ship starts to lurch as it is attacked by the star

        destroyers) Wooooah!

Tedd: And I am Tedd Theordore Logan. Together...... we are know

        as.....

Checkov: (to Sulu) They are neawly as good as the Kaptain at the

        dwamatic pauses.

Bill & Tedd: WILD STALLONS!!!! (the ship lurches as it comes

        under a heavier asssault) WOOOAAAAH!!

Kirk: Uh? Oh damm! Shields. Weapons. Attack.

Bill: Tedd, is this, or is this not?

Ted: Star wars?

Bill & Tedd: Excerlent. (they kick Sulu and Checkov out of their

        seats and sit down at the helm. loungeing on it they rest their

        feet on the console while eating popcorn. They wind up

        fireing all the weapons and send the ship off on a collision

        course with the super star destoyer.)


Tedd: Great special effects dude.

Kirk: Security to the ....bridge. Spock, do something.

Spock: (camly gets up to his feet while everyone else keeps falling

        over and nerve pinches Bill & Tedd.)

Kirk: Excerlent. (does air guitar at Spock who raises an eyebrow.)

        Mr Sulu, Mr Checkov. Please take your ...postions. Someone

        get that ...phone box out of the way.



(cut to bridge of super star destroyer. Darth Vader and his cronnies are 

there as well as the bounty hunters.)



Boba Fett: Uh guys.

Vader: (to a bounty hunter) I want you tell me why I should turn

        Captain Solo over to you when I capture him.


Bounty hunter #1: Ugher gurklg bag nak.

Vader: Wha?

Bounty hunter #2: He said, "your mother used to fuck pigs for a

        living."

Vader: WHAT? Feel the power of the force. (raises hand. nothing happens)

Boba Feet: Guys?

Vader: Why isn't this working? Oh wrong hand. (raise right hand and

        chokes the shit out of the two bounty hunters.)

Boba Fett: GUYS!!!

Piett: What?

Boba Fett: (points at a window.) That!

Piett: Wha? (sees he enterprise on her collision course.) Argh!

Needa: Avoiding action.

Piett: I'm in charge here.

Vader: somebody do something.



(the Enterprise brakes off it's suicide run.)



Vader: Phew.

Piett: lock weapons and fire.

Weapons master: Our weapons cannot pentrate their shields.

Scanners: The Millanium Falcon has dissappeared into an asteroid

        field.

Vader: Who was in charge of that operation?

Piett: (gulps) which operation?

Vader: The operation to capture the Falcon.

Needa: (points at Piett) Piett.

Vader: I'll deal with you later. Launch four Tie fighters after it.

        Weapons master. I want a way to penetrate their shields.

Weapons master: Thats impossible sir.

Vader: Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate you?

Weapons master: (gulps)



(back to Enterprise bridge. The phone box is being carried out by some red 

shirts. Bill & Tedd are being arrested by some other Red shirts.)



Tedd: Bill my most estimed collegue. This is the most heinous

        situation I have ever been in.

Bill: (looks like he's going to say something but doesn't when Kirk

        stares at him.)

Kirk: You two are going to spend a lot of time in our brig. Don't you

        know it's illegal to board a federation starship in the manner

        you did?

Bill: In a time mac- uh phone box?

Kirk: (doesn't catch what they said.) Yeah. Directive 1134b,

        subsection 12 paragraph 7. Any lunatics that appear on the

        bridge of a Federation starship must be detained if

        they endanger the ship and her crew.

Tedd: We did not endanger either. We just wanted to watch star wars

        on your movie screen.

Kirk: You set us on a collision course with that, that triangle.

Bill: Star destroyer.

Kirk: Oh, yeah.

Tedd: By the way dude. Your hair is moving.

Kirk: What? (removes the Tribble.) Goddamnit. Lt Uhura, I thought

        I told you to control your pets. (the mother rolls out from a

        hole.) And have them neutered.



(the ship starts to lurch and everyone falls over.)



Spock: We are under attack.

McCoy: Ya don't say.



(a few console blow up, killing several red shirts. Bill & Tedd take

this opertunity to escape in their phone box.)



Bill: Tedd my friend, I find myself in a most heinous situation. I do

        not have a quarter, do you?

Tedd: Reverse the charges to Rufas.

Bill & Tedd: (phone box goes on it's most excerlant journey) 

        WILD STALLONS RULE!!!!  WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHH?!?!?!?

Spock: Captain they have found a way to pentrate our shields.

Kirk: Return fire. Target their bridge.



(cut to super star destroyer)



Vader: How did you do it?

Weapons master: I simply scaned their shields with an anti proton

        scan, untill I found what harmonic frequency they operated

        on, and then adjusted the harmonic levels on the lasers to that

        frequency so that they could penetrate.

Vader: Clever. (walks away)

Piett: what did he say?

Vader: To be honest, all that technobabble went over my head. Move

        the fleet into the asteroid field. I want the Falcon.

Piett: But we'll be destroyed by the asteroids.

Vader: It could be worse. I could destroy you. (to crew) all weapons

        to fire at the saucer shaped cigar shaped ship. Helm, take us

        into the asteroid field. we are going after the Falcon. Launch,

        hmm lemme see. Launch four Tie fighters after the Falcon.



(cut to bridge of Enterprise.)



Spock: Hah!



(everyone looks at him.)



Spock: Erm, I have solved the problem.

Scotty: So have ah, cap'nan. They adjsut'd ta lasers to our shields

        frequency. All we have ta de is change it.

Kirk: You a genius. 

Scotty: (starts to celebrate and chuckle to himself. Stops doing his

        work and pisses kirk off.)

Kirk: Scotty? What are you waiting for? Promotion? Do it.

Scotty: (grumbles and gets back to work.)

Spock: Another ship went into the asteroid belt that they are now

        entering. It was a rebel ship.

Kirk: Why are they running from us? Concentrate all fire on that

        super star destroyer. No one runs from James T Kirk.



(cut to star destoyer.)



Officer: Lord Vader, we er lost contact with the four Tie fighters we

        sent after the Falcon.

Vader: Oh, BLOODY TYPICAL! Very well be gone, I will not hurt

        you.

Officer: Yes sir, thank you sir.

Vader: Oh, what the hey? (force chokes the officer.)



(cut to Skywalker Ranch. Myself and George Lucas are sitting at a

computer)



David: What do ya mean you want to digertily remaster it?

George: The special effects just aren't cutting it.

David: Jesus Christ man. We only writting it as a parody, not a

        movie.

George: Should'nt the readers get the same qualty of special effects

        as the movie goers?

David: This is only going to be written, you idiot. It's not going to be

        made into a multi million movie.

George: It's not?

David: No.

George: Damm it. I knew there was something wrong with this.



(Vader walks in)



Vader: Do not underestimate the power of the dark side of the force.

David & George: Huh?

Vader: Aren't I on yet?

George: No not yet.

Vader: Damn.



(cut back to the battle. The Enterprise is out side the asteroid field

shooting at the star destoyers that are in the field. suddenly the Falcon 

comes shooting out of a large asteroid closely followed by what seems to be 

large, mutated hand puppet. It comes shooting towards one of the star 

destroyers and - dissapears from the scanners and sight.)



Piett: Gulp.

Vader: You have failed me.

Piett: I'm sorry sir, really really sorry- (starts to choke) ugh urrrrr

        ugh uck eck uk. eeeerrrrgh. (falls down dead.)

Vader: (lowers hand) Apoligie accepted.



(on the Enterprise everyone is grim)



Kirk: What.... are... they.... up to? What.... are... they... up to?

Spock: This is most illogical.

McCoy: Screw logic. I've had it up to hear with logic blah blah blah.

        Jim what about getting home blah blah blah. I'm scarred

        shitless blah blah blah.

Checkov: Kozach's. They killed my bwothew, ow vas it my sistew?

Sulu: How come I never get any memarable and funny one liners?

McCoy: I'm a doctor, not a shrink.

Uhura: Hailing frequecies open.

Scotty: Ah can'a change the laws a physics.

McCoy: Jim, if the ship they wanted is gone, can we go home? We

        are no match for an entire fleet like that. Even if they are only

        armed with lasers.

Kirk: Jim Kirk run from a fight? Never. People will laugh if they

        hear that I ran from a fight. We are staying.

Spock: It's life Jim.



(just then an orange jumpgate opens up and pulls the enterprise into

it.)



Kirk: NOOOOOOO!!!!



(shot of space. The camera slowly moves over to where Babylon 5 is

rotating. It is unusually quiet of traffic . Cut to C&C.)



Sheridan: What the hell is that?

Ivonava: God know. OPEN DEFENSE GRID! FIRE AT WILL!

Sheridan: Susan! What have I told you about attacking people that

        we don't know anything about?

Ivonava: They could be allies of the shadows.

Sheridan: (sighs)

Zack: Never seen anything like that.



(Marcus and the doctor, whatshissname walk in.)



Marcus: Are we going to get any lines in this episode or not?

Sheridan: No. Piss off.



(As Marcus and thingy -Franklin, thats is- leave, Delenn walks in.

Sheridan looks at her lusterly. At that moment we hear Kirk's transmission.)



Kirk: Identify yourselves. Who are you? What are you? Where are

        we? And do you have any women on board?

Sheridan: Oh my god. Thats James T Kirk. FIRE AT WILL!!!!!!!

Ivonava: Hippocrit.



(as the various types of weapons on Babylon 5's defensive systems kick in, 

another jumpgate opens and the result - the Enterprise is sent back to the 

last universe.)



McCoy: Thank god for that.

Uhura: Incoming transmission, sir.

Kirk: What now?

Luke: Hello? Who are you?

Kirk: Who are you?

Luke: I'm Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight.

Kirk: I'm James T Kirk. Womaniser.

Luke: Cool. Can you give me some tips?

Kirk: Yeah. You have five minutes to get out of my sight, you

        nausiating adolenscient. Lock weapons and fire.

Luke: Sheesh, who got out of the wrong side of bed this morning?

Kirk: Not me. I got out of someone else'e bed. Move it mister.

Luke: Just wait untill I've meet Yoda. Then you'll be sorry.

Kirk: Mr Checkov, fire.

Checkov: Waye waye.

Luke: Eeeek. (flys off)



(cut to exterior of space. The USS Constipated comes into view.)



Uhura:We are being hailed.

Kirk: On screen.



(a worried looking crew man appears on the screen.)



Crew man: Enterprise help us.

Kirk: Calm down man. Whats up?

Crew man: We've been infected with a horrible disease. I, I think I'm

        the only one left.

Kirk: Talk.... sense man. Whats happened?

Crew man: We were sucked into an anomoly and got sent to a

        horrible alternative version of Earth.

Kirk: Go on.

Spock: (looks up from his scanner.) Jim!! I'm getting strange

        readings from the Constipated. Theres only one human life

        sign left.

Crew man: It's horrible. First he got the captain. Then we escaped.

        And when we got back to the ship the captain had changed.

        And he started to change everyone else. If I hear that bloody

        song again I'll scream.



(suddenly a happy song can be heared. It's obviously meant to be sang to 

children.)



Crew man: NOOOOOOOO!! (brakes down in tears.)

Spock: The rest have now mutated into-

Kirk: My.... God!!!

McCoy: Thats horrible.

Scotty: Bett'a ta kill them now.

Crew man: Do something. PLEASE!!!!!



(behind the panic stricken crew man can be seen a horde of purple

dinosaurs.)



Barney #1: You love me, I love you.

Kirk: Lock all weapons and.... fire. 

Checov: Veapons locked and fiwed. Diwect hit, Keptain.  Constipated is 

        destwoyed.

Kirk: That was trully inhuman. Who did think up that..... creature

        anyhow?

Spock: The records have been lost due to the wars on Earth that were

        caused as a result of that creature's creation and kids tv

        programe.

Scotty: Cap'nan. Mr kyle just report'd havin'a transp'rter bee'm

        activate.

Kirk: From where?

Scotty: The Constipated. Five seconds before impact.



(suddenly a happy voice can be heared throughout the intercom.)



Barney #2: Hey kids. That was a real nasty trick you played on me

        there. But don't worry. Every thing will be fine after a little

        song. (starts to sing again.)

Sulu: (to Checkov) I finaly get my first line in ages and it's to tell

        him (jerks his thumb at Kirk) that a few red shirts have died.

Kirk: What?

Sulu: some red shirts died.

Kirk: Damm. I can't deal with that... now. I'll have to moan about it

        .....later.

Spock: Sensors indicate half the crue have been labotomissed by the

        creature Jim.

McCoy: HEY! Thats my job. that bloody dino is meesing with my turf. 

        He's gonna die real painfull. (pulls out a magnum.)

Kirk: What are you doing with.......... that?

McCoy: I used it to silence a dog in a western. I'm going to use it to

        silence a dinosaur. I'll teach it the meaning of the word

        extinction. (McCoy leaves. As the doors close we hear him

        say armoury.)

Checkov: Keptain. The fleet is appwoaching us.

Kirk: Uh oh.

Spock: Captain: I have an idea.



(cut to bridge of one of the star destroyers.)



Captain: Fire at will when Lord Vaders ship gives the signal.

Officer: Sir. The UFO has activated some kind of beam which is

        penetrating our hull.

Captain: What? where?

Oficer: On our bridge.



(Barney appears in the transporter beam.)



Barney #2: Hi kids.

All: AAAARRRRRGHH!!!!!!



(Cut to Enterprise.)



Checkov: One enemy wessel is now affected by the Dinosauw.

Kirk: Excerllent. With any luck the other ships will concentrate on

        destroying it.

Spock: I have a way of getting us back home.

Kirk: Okay, lets hear it.

Spock: We implode the warp engines as we go into warp around a

        star. This will create an artificial wormhole that will get us

        back home and leave the ship in spacedock for a month for

        repairs to the super structure.

Sulu: But Captain, I put in for some shore leave, and you said that

        Hoth was a nice planet, so I thought we'd go there.

        Everythings arranged. Wet T-shirt compition, toga

        party, pin the tail on the weather girl.

Kirk: I said it was an ICE plannet.

Sulu: (after a minute) Shit!

Kirk: Never mind. the crew won't mind.

Sulu: Reallly?

Kirk: Half of them will die when we try Spocks idea. Mr Checkov:

        Engage.

Checkov: Waye sir.


Kirk: Because I told you to.

Checkov: I said Waye sir.

Kirk: Do you want to go on report?

Checkov: As in Waye Waye, sir.

Kirk: Oh. Well engage.

Spock: The wedding will be Tuesday.



(everyone looks at Spock. McCoy comes back on.)



McCoy: Bah, it must have heard I was after it.

Kirk: What?

McCoy: The dinosaur left the ship. Must have heard I was on it's

        case. Don't blame it though. Anyone with any sense runs

        from a pissed off Doctor.

Holodoc: Not in my case. They just turn me off.

Spock: Wrong series.

Holodoc: Opps.

Kirk: Computer, deactivate.... EMH.

Holodoc: Now wait ju- (Vanishes)

McCoy: To coin a phrase, fascinating. (also vanishes)

Kirk: What th-. Spock.... what...... happened?

Spock: Hmm. It apears that it was a cheap gag by the writer of this

        parody.

Kirk: I want Bones back.

Checkov: Appwoching sun, Keptain. We hawe achiewed Wawp

        fouwteen.

Kirk: But Bones?

Spock: The good doctor will have to wait untill later.



(the engines explode and everyone is sent hurtling in all directions.

The lights flash consoles blow up. Red shirts die. The sound of a car 

reving up to go into reverse is heard. Everyone loses conciseness.)



Kirk: (wakes up first.) Re...por..t?

McCoy: That was the lamest idea on how to get us home yet.

Khan: With my last breath, I spit at thee.

Kirk: This is the series, not the movie.

Khan: Drat. Well, my men have you all surrounded.

Kirk: Before Space seed.

Khan: Drat.

Checkov: But, I vasn't in Space seed.



(Khan, his men and Checkov dissapear.)



Spock: Fascinating. It's as if though they never existed.

Sulu: Who never existed?

Spock: Checkov.

Sulu: Who?

Spock: (pause) I have no idea.

Kirk: Well.... does anyone know what todays.... morale is?

Spock: Nope.

Scotty: No.

Sulu: No.

Uhura: No, but what I do know is I never get any interesting lines.

McCoy: Whats a morale?

Kirk: Oh well. Should we just finish this here, or drag it on?

Everyone: No.

Kirk: Well, Mr Sulu. Set course for the nearest spacedock. Warp

        seven.

Sulu: Warp engines down, sir.

Kirk: Mr Scott. You have five minutes to fix the engines.

Scotty: Already done sair.

Kirk: Then, good. Wait.



(everyone looks at him.)



Kirk: I didn't get.... laid today.



(everyone looks at each other, then leave the bridge.)



Kirk: Hey. Unlock the.... turbo lift... door. THIS... isn't.... funny.

Spock: (opens the door.) No, but this is. (kicks Kirk inbetween the

        legs. Kirk goes flying out of the dome at the top of the

        bridge, enters a time warp and appears in the Millinium

        Falcon.) Bon voyage, Mon capitan.

Q: Oi!



(The Millinium Falcon is now under attack. Solo is using some impresive 

manouvers to avoid the Tie fighters.)



Solo: Who the hell are you?

Kirk: I'm Kirk. Who... are you?

Solo: Hans Solo.

Kirk: (eyes Leia.) And who would... this.... Jewel be?

Leia: Princess Leia.

Kirk: (kisses her hand) Pleased to meet.... your... aquintince. (they

        leave the bridge and go off towards the bedroom.)

Solo: Hey, I'm trying some desperate manouvers here. I could use all

        the help I can get.

Kirk:(now in the bedroom.) My manouvers.. are never.. desperate.

Leia:(now in the bed.) Oh yes.

C3p0: Oh my.

Leia: Leave now....(C3P0turns to leave) Hurry up Golden Rod.

Kirk: How did.... you know.... my.. nick... name?



(The Falcon starts to shake up and down, up and down making squeking noises 

as it does.)



Solo: Hey, thats my girl.

Leia: In your dreams.




The end?

David Hopper.