A Parody of Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Written entirely by Stephen Millard, BMILLARD@IX.NETCOM.COM 
(I greatly welcome comments)

NOTE- It is advisable that you view Star Trek 6 The Undisovered Country 
before reading this parody.

                                THE PARODY
(An explosion disrupts the peace of the cosmos. The shock wave shoots 
towards the U.S.S Excelsior)
Sulu: Captain's Log Stardate 5201.534. it has been 800 years and I am now 
        master of this vessel.
Radio (starfleet): Sulu, let's cut the sarcasm it wasn't THAT long of wait.
Sulu: Be quiet, how can I speak with you blabbing all over the radio like 
        this. I have important calls waiting. Besides shouldn't you be off 
        polishing the admirals metals or something?
(Sulu smashes the communications console)
Sulu:  Computer, resume captain's log.  We are cataloging Gashes Anomalies. 
        I have court-martialed 200 people today. This is fun.
(The shock wave slams into the Excelsior thus shaking it out of control and 
sends Sulu flying into the ceiling)
Sulu: I feel great pain.
(The shaking stops and the crew organizes it self)
Sulu: What is going on here? I feel awful. I-- See a bright light. I.....
        I'm dying. Good-bye my friends. You're the only memory I have of the
        bridge. Tell the crew I died in peace.
Lt. Rand: Captain!  You're face is smashed into the lights.
(Sulu gets his faced out of the light and straitens himself out, he is still
dazed)
Sulu: What was that?
Science Officer: It was Praxis, sir.
Sulu: I knew that.
(He points at Lt. Janice Rand)
Sulu: Who is she?
Science Officer: It's Janice Rand our Comm. officer.
Sulu: Lies. Take her away. Why is the bridge in shambles? What's going on?
Science Officer: Praxis exploded. It appears that they have been smoking to 
        much.  They blew up.
Sulu: Blast, I knew I shouldn't have told the president to send them a box 
of those exploding cigars.
Science Officer: Do we report this, sir?
Sulu: Report what?
Science Officer: The explosion of Praxis!
Sulu: It exploded!? We better report it..

(In a briefing room on Earth, Kirk, Scotty, McCoy, and Uhura just walked in)
Kirk: What are we doing here?
McCoy: I'm supposed to be performing brain surgery on the President.
Uhura: I'm supposed to be cheering a seminar at the academy.
Kirk: Your probably the only one glad to be here. Where's Spock.
Scotty:  Probably dead again.  Who's turn is it for the Katra?
(Kirk slaps Scotty)
Kirk: Death is no laughing matter, Scotty.  Now let's get out of here.
(Kirk and company start to leave)
Security officer: Do not leave this meeting until it has been adjourned.
Kirk: I was out saving the galaxy when your grandfather was in diapers. 
        Give me some respect.
Security officer: I'm sorry, old man. SITDOWNNOW!
Kirk: Oh fine.
(Kirk and company sit down)
Spokesperson: Ladies, Gentlemen, scum-
Kirk: You don't have to insult me.
Lady:--Uh.. Stand for the CinC!
(All the people stand in respect of the head honcho)
CinC: 8 years ago, Praxis exploded because the president sent them a box of 
        exploding cigars as a joke.  This information is rather out of date 
        since Captain Sulu didn't report it until a couple of days ago in a 
        meeting with the president. I will now give the floor or podium or 
        whatever to the Federation's special envoy.
(Spock starts to walk up to the podium)
Kirk: Spock! Sit down, don't embarrass us like this.
(Kirk grabs Spock)
Spock: Unhand me captain or I will kill you.
Kirk: SPOCK!
Spock:  It is a joke. Get it? A story with a humorous climax! 
Kirk: Never mind, Spock. I think you've embarrassed us as much as you can.
(Spock walks to the podium)
Spock: 5 minutes ago I opened a dialogue with the Klingon ambassador.
Admiral Cartwright: Negotiations for what?
Spock: Admiral, your getting ahead in the script. The ambassador and I 
        started negotiations.
Admiral Cartwright: Negotiations for what?
Spock:  The complete destruction of Earth and the rest of the Solar System.
Admiral #2:  Are we talking about mothballing starfleet?
Spock: No, Complete annihilation, to be precise.
Cartwright: I have good question. Why?
Spock: Because they want us to be just as hopeless and hapless as they 
        are.
Cartwright: THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT US TO THINK!!!!!!! 
        NOW IS OUR CHANCE TO KILL THEM!!! KILL KILL KILL!
Spock: I told the Klingon ambassador that.
Cartwright: Really? What did he say.
Spock: He used words I am not familiar with. I think they were something 
        close to. You stupid son of a b....
Cartwright: We get the picture.  I think this is our chance to bring them 
        to their knees. Kill them. 
Then we'll be in a far better position to dictate terms.
Spock: They will be dead, Admiral.
Cartwright: That's the kind of terms I want.
Spock:  I do not think that is a competent idea. I told the ambassador that 
        we should meet with Gorkon the president of the Klingon Empire. We 
        hope to have a peace treaty signed.
CinC: Captain Kirk, we have chosen you to escort Chancellor Gorkon here. 
        Don't think of killing him like you did the Romulan Ambassador. That 
        was a lucky guess.  It wont get you out of court martial this time.
Kirk: I'd..
CinC: Shut up, your going whether you like It our not.
Spock: Do not worry, captain. I informed  the Chancellor you're an idiot.
Kirk: Thanks.
CinC:  Very well, Kirk. Get ready to leave, this meeting is adjourned. AND 
        REMEMBER it is classified.
(The congregation leaves, only Spock and Kirk remain)
Kirk: We volunteered!???
Spock: That is incorrect, captain, I volunteered you.  We did nothing. You 
        are a pawn in this much larger game. You are a nobody nothing, zip,
        nada...
Kirk: Spock!!
Spock: Sorry, captain. My human side was winning the constant battle over 
        power in my body.
Kirk: Okay! Okay. It's just frustrating, Spock. How would you feel if I 
        volunteered you to something you would hate doing?
Spock: That is irrelevant captian. Resitence is futile.
Kirk: I wanted to resist this mission with every last ounce of my strength. 
        Sometimes I think I'd rather die then....then HELP the klingons.
Spock: Strength is irrelevant, death is irrelevant. You WILL take the 
        mission, captain.
Kirk: It seems I have no choice. Very well. I guess I can squeeze it in my 
        schedule.

(Onboard the Enterprise)
Valeris: Captain on the bridge!
Kirk: Where?  I thought I was the only captain here?
McCoy:  I think she meant you, captain.
Kirk: Really? I guess I still have that spark that she, and about 2000 other
        women, just kind of likes. 
McCoy: Funny stuff that Romulan Ale will do to you.
Kirk: Captains log...
McCoy: You haven't done anything yet. You might want to wait until we leave 
        space dock.
Kirk: Of course. Just keeping you on your toes.
(Kirk sits down in his trust captains chair)
Kirk:  Clear all moorings.  Valeris please exit the space dock at warp 9.6.
Valeris: Captain, may I remind you that Starfleet regulations require 
        thrusters only while in space dock.
McCoy: She's a Falcon, all right. I mean Vulcan. My hands are shaking. 
        WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!?
Kirk: Bones, pipe down.
McCoy: I was nervous!
Kirk: It's okay, bones, you were nervous, that's fine. Boy oh boy sometimes 
        I wonder if I'm the only sane one around here.  Bones doesn't make 
        sense, Spock volunteers me everything, Valeris questions my 
        orders...
Valeris: Captain?
Kirk: You heard me, Lieutenant, warp speed.  
Valeris: Aye, sir.
(The Enterprise goes into warp and explodes in a fiery crash when it impacts 
the space dock doors)

Kirk: Captains Log, after being issued a new ship after the old one blew up 
        we have finally made it out of space dock, and are en route to 
        rendezvous with the Klingon ship.
(Kirk is in his quarters)
Kirk: I've never trusted Klingon's and I never will. I can never forgive 
        them for....for.... Damn it, it's been so long I can't remember.
(The door chime, chimes)
Kirk: Enter.
(Valeris enters)
Kirk: You could have knocked.
Valeris:  I guess I could have.
Kirk: You piloted well out of space dock.  Aside from the fact that the ship 
        blew up.
Valeris:  I always wanted to do that, sir.--May I be candid, sir?
Kirk: Certainly, Lieutenant.
Valeris: It is an honor to serve with you, Sir.
Kirk: Thank you Lieutenant. The feeling is mutual.
Valeris: Why, thank you, Captain.
Kirk: Oh, I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about me.

(In Spock's quarters he and Valeris are discussing the mission and Spock's 
future, Spock appears to be performing a ritual with many candles and cups 
and assorted oddities. Spock acts as though nothing happened on the bridge)
(Valeris is gazing at a painting)
Valeris: Why do you keep this representation in your quarters.
Spock: It is a reminder to me that all things come to an end.
Valeris: I do not understand, sir.
Spock: That painting cost me all of my father's inheritance as well as mine 
        and my mother's.
Valeris: I come to you as a kindred intellect, sir.
Spock: Silence, child, you should not speak to me in that tone.
Valeris: I apologize, sir.
Spock: No need for apologies. I intend you to replace me.
(He sniffs the liquid in his cup and gets dizzy and faints)
Valeris: I could only....Replace....You......Sir.......
(On the bridge)
Kirk:  What is that?
Chekov: It is the Klingon ship.
Kirk: I see.  Hail them.
(Gorkon appears on the viewscreen)
Gorkon:--We would be honored to accept your gracious invitation.
Kirk: What? We haven't invited you to anything.  We've barely even spoken.
Gorkon: We haven't? Then who was I talking to for the past 2 minutes?
Kirk: I don't know. Boy, this Romulan Ale really gets around. Why don't you 
        come over and dine with us. Before you die I thought a nice meal 
        would help.
Gorkon:  Thank you. We will come over to your ship at 1300 hours.
(The screen viewscreen fades out)
Chekov: Guess who's coming to dinner...
Kirk: GORKON!!! 
(Kirk walks in the turbolift)
(In the transporter room)
Scotty: The Klingons should be here at any minute.
(The Klingons materialize)
Chancellor Gorkon:  Greetings. May I present As It Bore, my daughter, my 
        chef Chang, my military, Bob, and an idiot named Mac.
Kirk: Greetings.
Spock: We came to serve.
Kirk: We did? I mean, yes, of course we did. Now let's die--- I mean dine. 
        heh heh, sorry about that.

(At the eating table)
Chang: *&(*&%
Gorkon: *#&%(*#%
As It Bore: *%?(&%##$#$
Bob: @$$2
Gorkon: @@$4%@#
Uhura: What are they doing?
Scotty: Speaking in Klingon.
Kirk: Attention. A TOAST!
(Everyone raises their glasses)
Kirk: To the Klingons and the Feds.
Bob: No, just the Klingons
Scotty: No, the Feds
Kirk: Shut up and drink your drink.
Chancellor Gorkon: I feel sick.
Kirk: I spiked the drink.  Do you have a problem with that?
Chancellor: Yes. *groan* I think I'll return to my ship, now.
Kirk: But what about the food!?
Chancellor: I think you may get it back.
Kirk: What about Shakespeare?
Chancellor: Tell him to take a rain check.
(The Chancellor leaves)

(In the transporter room the Klingon party is preparing to leave.)
Kirk: Well, we must do this again sometime.
Chang: Parting is such sweet sorrow.  Haven't we all-
Kirk: Shut up, Chang. I was talking to Gorkon.
Chancellor: Well.  Let's go ladies and gentlemen.
(The group gets on the transported and transports to the Klingon ship.)
Kirk: Well, I'm glad that's over.
Scotty: I'm going to have to loosen my belt another notch. Aye! There are 
        no left. What'll I do?
Kirk: Calm yourself, Scotty. We'll get you another belt.
Scotty: Aye.
McCoy: I'm going to find a pot of black coffee. I'm not sure what for but 
        what the hey.
(Valeris walks in)
Valeris: You men have work.
McCoy\Checkov\Kirk\Scotty: Yes ma'am.
Valeris: Then snap to it.
Kirk: Why are we taking orders from her?
McCoy: I have no idea.  She's losen it. Of course so are we.
(They walk out)
Intercom: Captain James Tiberious Kirk. Report to the bridge.
Kirk: So that's what the T stands for. I never would of guessed.

(On the bridge, Spock is examine readings on one of the consoles, Chekov is 
miserable because of a headache, the rest are just sitting there, then Kirk 
walks in)
Spock: Jim.
Kirk: Spock.
Spock: Jim.
Kirk: Spock.
Spock: Jim.
Kirk: What!?
Spock: I forgot.
Kirk: Oh my.....  Augh! Call me when you remember.
Spock: Wait! I remember.  We are reading a neutron surge of unbelievable 
        power emanating from us.
Kirk: Chekov, do you know anything about a neutron surge?
Chekov (Chekov rubs his throbbing head): Only the size of my head.
Kirk:  Do you think it could be him, Spock?
Spock: Doubtful.  Chekov could not produce enough radiation to register on 
        our sensors. 
Kirk: You're right.  Shields up red alert.  Course 399 mark 4 warp 9.
Chekov: Ve're leaving?
Kirk: Yes, this too risky. For all we know there is a new Klingon Bird of 
        prey beneath us that can fire while cloaked. Too risky.  Carry out 
        my orders Lt. Valeris.
Chekov: Velaris is not here.
Kirk: DAMMIT!! Belay my previous orders......... We're not going to get 
        outa this one, are we Spock?
Spock: No captain, not this time.
(A torpedo is fired at the Klingon ship)
Spock: We have fired at the Klingons.
Kirk:  Evacuate. Self Distruct 000 destruct 0. Now!
Uhura: Captain! The Klingons are in trouble. Help them. Tell them something.
Kirk:  Tell them that we did not fire that torpedo..We think. No.. Tell them 
        we're pretty sure we didn't fire that torpedo.
Uhura: They say they don't believe you!
Kirk: Then blow them to kingdom come.
Uhura: Captain! Listen to reason.
Kirk: Find who is firing those torpedoes! Scotty, did you do that!?
Scotty: Nye Captain!! According to inventory were dead.
Kirk: Scotty!!! What the hell is the matter with you?
Scotty:  It's getting hot! Radiation, augh!
Kirk: What? What's going on down there?! Scotty, are you drunk again? Sober 
        up and report!
Scotty: According to my inventory we are fully loaded. No torpedoes have 
        been shot.
Kirk: Then who the hell fired that torpedo?
Uhura: Incoming message from the Klingon ship!
Chang: Have you a shred of decency in you, Kirk?
Kirk: No.
Chang: We come in peace and you blatantly defile that peace, and for that I 
        will blow you out of the stars.
Kirk: Did you write that out or did you make that up as you went.
Chang: I made it up as I went.
Kirk: You should join the Federation improvisation troupe.
Chang: Really?
Kirk: But I'm busy killing you so we'll talk later.
(Chang's image fades from the viewscreen)
Kirk: Uhura! I'm going over to the Klingon ship. Tell them that!!!!!!
Uhura: Aye aye.
McCoy: I'm coming along they may need a doctor.
Kirk: No, we need you here to tend to our wounded.
McCoy: We don't have any wounded.
Kirk: You're right.  Better come along.
(Spock, uncharacteristically, slaps Kirk in the back [putting a patch on 
        his back for detection])
Spock: Give it to 'em Jimmy boy!
Kirk: *weez* thanks Spock.
(Kirk leaves the bridge and beams over to the Klingon ship)

Klingon Officer: Have you lost your mind?!?!?!
Kirk: Why do you ask? Did the transport cycle malfunction. I still appear to
        have my brain. We've come to help.
McCoy: I'm a doctor.
Klingon Officer: Yeah, and I'm a Klingon Officer.....That didn't come out 
        how I wanted it.
Kirk: Take us to Chancellor Gorkon. We are here to help.
Klingon Officer: Follow me.
(They take Kirk and McCoy to the room where Gorkon, obviously injured, is 
        lying in his daughters arms)
Kirk: Oh my......
(McCoy runs over to the Gorkon's daughter and performs surgery on her.)
McCoy: This is tricky I don't think I can bring him out of it. Dammit, 
        BREATH!
Kirk: Bones! You're operating on Gorkon's daughter. Gorkon is DYING!
(McCoy rushes over to Gorkon)
McCoy: He's dead.
Kirk: Aren't you going to take a pulse?
McCoy: Nah, he's just as good as dead.
Chang: Kirk, this is your fault!
Kirk: Mine? But McCoy's the one who pronounced him dead.
Chang: I will prosecute you under section 37 sector 98 sub-sector C  
        paragraph 89 of the "treaty" between our two peoples. I declare 
        you under arrest for the murder of Chancellor Bruce Gorkon of the 
        Klingon Empire.
Kirk: You can't do this. I have rights!
Chang: Don't make me use this.
(Chang shows Kirk a pen)
Chang: Chilling isn't it.
Kirk: That's, uh, a pen.
Chang: Blast, Krax I thought I told you to put a gun in my holster. None 
        the less. You are under arrest!
Kirk: Oh, fudge.
(Kirk is taken prisoner)

(Onboard the Enterprise)
Uhura: Mr. Spock. The Captain and Dr. McCoy have been arrested.
Mr. Spock:.  Hopefully Dr. McCoy's Malpractice Insurance is in order. Uhura,
        Inform our superiors of there capture.
Uhura: Yessir!

(At federation headquarters the president is very upset. His collegue Mr. 
Sarek is in the room for no reason)
President: What is it with Kirk? I give him a simple assignment and he goes 
        around killing people.
Sarek: Mr. President, it has not been proved that Kirk killed Gorkon.
President: Oh, he killed him all right. He would kill my mother if he had 
        the chance.
Sarek: Mr. President your mother died 2 years ago.  She died laughing when 
        she was informed that you had become president.
President: I didn't think it was that funny.  But you're right. Kirk 
        wouldn't kill Klingons. I mean, hey, I've murdered a guy or two in 
        my day but the Klingon chancellor, I don't think so. Kirk didn't do 
        it. And no one can change my mind.
Com: Incoming message from As It Bore.
(As It Bore appears on the viewscreen)
President:  My sincerest apologies madam.  We both know that Kirk killed 
        that bast-- I mean that great Chancellor Gorkon.  I will not stop 
        until he is severely punished.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon 
        homeworld.
President: No! He is a citizen of the Federation and I do not believe he 
        committed these terrible crimes.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon 
        homeworld.
President: I do not agree.  He must come back.
As It Bore: He will stand trial for his crimes here on the Klingon 
        homeworld.
President:  Is this a repeating message? It is. What gall! I bet that 
        Klingon killed her father. She didn't shed a bloody tear.  I knew 
        it. I can tell these things..
Sarek: It's late. I think you need sleep Mr. President.
President: I've never felt better.  Ensign! Have Mr. Odo and George come in 
        here.  You see, Mr. Sarek. Odo and George have devised a plan to 
        obtain the prisoners.
(Odo and George walk in)
Odo: Mr. President we have a plan so devious we'll clean those klingon's 
        chronometers.
President: I don't see how cleaning chronometers will help but you must 
        have a reason for it.
Odo: I've drawn a picture here and it shows where the hostages are located. 
        We can get in and get out in less then 4 hours.
President: But what if you start a full-scale war?
Odo: We'll say it was all your idea.
President: Good.  Excellent plan. I'm expendable. Wait! What am I saying. 
        This is a plain awful plan.
George: Mr. President these men have literally saved this planet.
President: How could they? They're on the Klingon homeworld!?
George: Mr. President you are drunk.
President: You're right!!! I never would have guessed.

(On the Klingon homeworld Kirk and Dr. McCoy are on trial)
Chang (Prosecutor): Dr. McCoy how are you today?
McCoy: Not well. I have a headache.
Chang: I see.  Did you kill Gorkon?
McCoy: No.
Chang: Blast, this is harder than I thought. Now...We come to the one who 
        did this all, who murdered Gorkon brutally.....James Tiberious Kirk.
Kirk: Boy, I'd hate to be that guy. I am that guy! Yikes! You're honor, I 
        have to go to the lavatory.
Honor: You can levitate later. Continue Chang.
Chang: Did you kill Gorkon.
Kirk: No.
Chang: Blast.  Let me play this excerpt from you're captains log.
Log: We had a science survey of Terston 7 it's gaseous atmosphere induced a 
        most enthralling plant effervescence I have ever observed. More 
        later.
Chang: You see that..Is the wrong log. Uh play the right one please.
Log: I've never trusted Klingons. I never will. I can never forgive them 
        for. ...for....Damn it. I can't remember it's been so long.
Chang: You see!!!!! That thing you can't remember is the very basis for this
        brutal attack on Bruce Gorkon.  This is all the evidence we need.  
        I would also like to add Captain Kirk's gratuitous use of profanity 
        also increase whatever sentence he receives.
Honor: The verdict of this court to the defendant is guilty. You will be 
        sentenced to Rura Pente for a quite a while. So long.

(On the Enterprise the bridge crew looks on in horror)
Uhura: Rura Pente!!!
Chekov: Known throughout the galaxy as a bad place.
Scotty: Better kill them now and get it over with.  Valeris target the court
        room...Fire.
Spock: Belay that order.  Let's release them from their penitentiary. Scotty 
        eject the warp core into space.
Scotty: What in the hell?
Spock: No, eject it into space not hell. Then tell starfleet command that 
        we are not functioning correctly. And are stranded.
Velaris: A lie?
Spock: No. We will genuinely be stranded.
Scotty: I denna knew if thet is a gewd idew.
Spock: Please remove the sponge from your mouth Scotty. You are incoherent.
Scotty: I denna heve eny spoonges in me mooth.
Spock: Understood.
Scotty: Anyway, I denna think it's good idea to strand ourselves here. How 
        will we get to the captain?
Spock: I have not conceived that far into the future yet. I have plans to 
        though. In the meantime.  
Valeris set a course for Rura Pente. Uhura inform starfleet command that we 
        have no warp core and are drifting through space.
Valeris: A lie?
Spock: Conduct you're terminal lieutenant. That is a mandate. If you state 
        any more impertinent colloquy than I will be duressed to incarcerate
        you to your berth. Is that understood?
Valeris: Yes, and no. Sir.

(On the desolate prison asteroid Rura Pente. Kirk and McCoy and many other 
prisoners are led on this icy world to the entrance where the "jailer" comes
out and stands on a box)
Jailer: This is the gurack Rura Pente.
McCoy:  Really? Well, I thought I was on Risa!!!! You purple blooded son of
        a b-
Kirk: Bones! Sorry, sir. My friend here has hypothermia. He's usually not 
        like this-
Jailer: Silence!! Here, if you work well you will be treated bad, work not 
        well and you will be treated bad. If- Aieee!
(The jailer loses his balance and falls off his box and rolls down the hill 
and off a cliff)
McCoy: Well this is encouraging. I wish we never would of went over to ship,
        Jim. What the hell were you thinking?
Kirk: Dunno. I guess it was that Romulan Ale. Makes me go beaming over to 
        Klingon ships. Happened before, you know.

(Inside the prison Kirk and McCoy are warming up by a fire)
McCoy: Jim you're hands are in the fire!
Kirk: So what. You're sitting in the fire.
McCoy: Augh! I didn't even notice. It is freezing in here!
(A big fat creature walks over and picks Kirk up)
Kirk: It's okay I'm out of the fire!
McCoy: Jim! I think he's upset over something else.
Kirk: What do you want?
(Martia, the shapeshifter, walks over to Kirk and the big fat creature)
Martia (To alien) : Krandoke!!
Kirk: No, my name is James Kirk.
Martia: Krandoke!!!!!!!
Kirk: Believe me it is Kirk!
if you are reading this you have too much time on your hands
Martia: fiuoyeragnidaersihtuoyevahoothcumemitnoruoysdnah
Kirk: Uh that is not my name either.
(The monster drops Kirk)
Martia: Captain Kirk, my name is Martia.
Kirk: Hello, Martia, my name is captain Kirk.
Martia: I know.
Kirk: How do you know that?
Martia: I am a shape-shifter.
Kirk: Ah, yes. That explains it all. What is your name, Martia?
Martia: Martia.
Kirk: Ah, Martia.  I've heard of your kind, Changelings? I thought you were 
        mythical.
Martia: Only as mythical as one of your Ukuleles.
Kirk: You mean Unicorn.
Martia: Yeah, I guess.
Kirk: Yeah, right. That's convincing.
(A call is heard echoing the halls telling people to go to bed)
(Kirk and McCoy are asleep in their cells)
(Martia crawls up on top of Kirk)
Kirk: Augh! A monster.  Die you-
Martia: Kirk, it's me Martia.
Kirk: Oh. How's it going? What's you're sign?
Martia: Kirk, do you want to get out of here?
Kirk: Sure, but you're on top of me, I can't move.
Martia: Do you want to leave this prison?
Kirk: Yeah, I guess.
(Martia kisses Kirk passionately)
McCoy: Jim what kind of creature is this?!?
Kirk:...I like it.
(Martia releases Kirk and slithers away)
(The next day Martia leads Kirk and McCoy into a shaft for mining [and for 
escaping])
Martia: Here take these.
(She hands kirk some equipment)
Kirk: What are we going to do? Milk a cow?
Martia: No we will be mining. But since they don't take females there...
(She turns into a hideous slimy creature)
McCoy: JIM! LAST NIGHT YOU WERE....... WITH THIS!!!!
Kirk: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!! This can't be happening!
Martia: I am a shape shifter, Kirk. I can be anything.
Kirk: *gulp* Last night seems rather disgusting now. I mean I've kissed 
        almost 2000 women but this is.....
Martia: We are comming to the mining level.
(They get off the elevator and go into a secluded tunnel where Martia turns 
into a mouse)
Martia: Quick go into this chasm.
Kirk: But it's 3 inches tall! How do you expect us to fit in there!?
Martia: Crap. I knew I forgot something.
(12 hours later Martia, Kirk, and McCoy find a vent that leads to the
surface.  They spend many hours and finally reach the icy surface)
McCoy: I can't go on leave me.
Kirk: Well, if you think it's best..
McCoy: JIM! You're supposed to encourage me and tell me we're almost there.
Kirk: Almost where?
McCoy: Now that were on the surface what do we do?
Kirk: Oh yeah. Martia, now what?
Martia: I thought you had this figured out.
Kirk: I did!?? You're the one who wanted to leave. I had my whole retirement
        planned out down there. But no, you coul-Wait! Spock slapped a 
        Viridian patch on my back and that means they can detect us 2 feet 
        away! 
McCoy: Astonishing!
Kirk: So if we can get out of this beaming shield they can detect us!
McCoy/Martia: Excellent.

(Onboard the Enterprise Spock and Scotty and Uhura are trying to devise a 
plan to cross the Klingon border)
Spock: Any ideas ladies, gentleman?
Chekov: Vat if we try to distract them?
Spock: Excellent suggestion. Explain.
Chekov: If ve try using a phaser shot directed a-
Scotty: Aye, ladie ye are trying to do somethin to complecated. Take my 
        advice beam the security post a bottle of Scotch. That'll knock 'em 
        dead.
(They all nod in agreement and beam a bottle over to the security post.)

(On the security post a group of Klingons find the bottle)
Klingon (K'TZ pronounce KITS): Och, what is this... A bottle of scotch?
Klingon #2 (Drunk): It's me mother and I'd appreciate it if ye didn't talk 
        that way 'bout her.
(He craddles his bottle in his arms and walks off)
Klingon #2 (Drunk): It's okay mother. I'll take you too.  AUGH! K'TZ Mother 
        just shattered into a bunch of pieces. I-
K'TZ: Silence. That was a bottle of Human Scotch.
(He dips his finger in it and samples it and is immeadiately drunken)
K'TZ: Hic, what happened. Why is my mother on the floor SHATTERED into a 
        bunch of pieces.

(Bridge)
Spock: Excellent it worked.
(They successfully cross the border)

(Meanwhilst on the icy Rura Pente..Kirk, McCoy, and Martia are journeying to
their destination 
which is somewhere)
(They have traveled far and have set up camp. Martia is lighting a flare)
Kirk: Where did you get the flare?
Martia: To show the forces coming towards us that we are here!
Kirk: Oh. I thought you might be turning us in- WHAT!?
Martia: BWAHAHAA!
(Martia turns into Kirk for no apparent reason)
Martia's Kirk: Killed while trying to escape that's good enough for both.
Kirk: Bones what's with this? This isn't making sense. She forgot to shift 
        her brain with her shape...  So Martia, you traitor, it comes to us 
        does it!?
Martia's Kirk: Your friends are late.
Kirk: I have no friends.  You are smart Martia, but careless and impatient.
Bones: Jim! Concentrate!
Kirk: Right! Come on. Give me your best shot.
(WHAM!)
Kirk: OOW! That was figuratively speaking.
(WHAM)
Martia's Kirk: Come on Jimmy boy!
(They fight for a while and then a hideous creature ridden by a Klingon 
points a gun at Kirk and Martia/Kirk)
Martia's Kirk: What took you so long!?
Klingon: No Witnesses!
Kirk: Witnesses? What is this court case? Sir, you are not making sense. 
        Martia was trying to say something similar bu-
Klingon: Silence. I will kill you!
Kirk: Was it something I said?
(He shoots Martia's Kirk)
Martia's Kirk: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Klingon: Now you, Jimmy.
Kirk: Wait! Can I have a drink of water.
Klingon: Very well.
(He gives Kirk a glass of water)
Kirk: Thank you. Is this mountain spring water?
Klingon: Since you are going to die anyway, why not tell you.I-
(Kirk beams away)
Kirk: NO! SON OF A B-

(Kirk beams onto the transporter pad of the Enterprise were Spock is 
smirking)
Kirk:  Spock! Why the hell did you beam me back!? He was going to tell me 
        whe-

(Spock flips a few buttons and Kirk is beamed back to the planet.)
Kirk: WAIT!!!!!!!!

(Kirk is beamed back to planet then back to Enterprise)
Kirk: I'm glad to be back, really.  It was cold down there.
Spock: Indeed it was.
Kirk: Did you receive my signal?
Spock: None that I could detect captain, except, of course happy birthday. 
        Surely the best of times, of course.
Kirk: My birthday isn't for 3 more months.
Spock: Silence. You no longer outrank me, you bloated dunderhead.
(Scotty walks in carrying Valeris)
Scotty: Look what I found killing crew members!
Spock: So it wasn't the leeches. Fascinating.
Kirk: Valeris!
Spock: Yes, she is a new recruit.
Kirk: Valeris!
Spock: That is her name captain.
Kirk: You traitor. Take her away.
Scotty: Aye captain. Incedentally, she fired the shot at the Klingong ship.
Kirk: I don't care, just take her away.
Spock: Whoever is behind these attacks will be attempting to assassinate 
        someone else at the conference. We must make haste and reach that 
        destination as quickly as possible.
Kirk: How did you know this?
Spock: I am not sure. I just know.
Kirk: Who am I to argue with a Vulcan. Bridge, set a course for the place 
        that the conference is at.
Uhura: Aye, cap'n. But captain, we don't know the location.
Kirk: Who cares, just take me to the conference.

(At the peace conference the entire Klingon audience has fallen asleep for 
the president as drolled on, once again)
Presidents:....And that reminds me of an interesting anecdote.  Have you 
        noticed that the skin of peach is rather coarse, not like leather 
        mind you,but the skin is not shall we say smooth as silk. Well to 
        my anecdote, my great-granddaughter was eating her soup when...
(A Klingon awakes and talks to Chang, next to him)
Sleepy Klingon: I've had it. Let's kill this windbag.
Chang: Agreed, I have people.
Sleepy Klingon: I have people too. Lets combine our peoples into one people 
        and kill this longwinded person.
Chang: Precisely. I will go to my ship. I have an inkling that the 
        Enterprise will come and stop us. 
They know the things we do before I do.
(Chang gets out of his chair and leaves)

(The Enterprise enters orbit)
Kirk: Prepare and away team.
Radio Chang: I can see you Kirk, can you see me?
Kirk: Yes I can! Arm phasers!
Chang: Augh! Krax, engage the cloaking device! You morons! Can't you take 
        an order?
(They cloak)
Spock: They went off our scanners!
Kirk: Good, we must of hit them. Prepare an away team to go to the planet.
(Chang, unable to stand being ignored, spontaneously combusts thus ending 
his ships existence as well as his own)

(On the planet surface the Klingons are about to kill the longwinded 
President)
President: Then after little Freddy spit out his soup. Sousie went over and 
hit-
Armed Klingon: So long you long winded son of a-
(Kirk beams down)
Kirk: Mr. President! NOOOOOO!!
President: But sousie is-
Kirk: I'm trying to save you!!! Shut up before I shoot you!
(Kirk shoots the armed and dangerous Klingons)
As It Bore: What's happening! What's the meaning of all this!?
Kirk: It's about a bunch boring stuff. It'll take too long to explain.
As It Bore: You've restored my fathers faith.
Kirk: And you've restored my son's.
(Kirk, happy for the first time since his son was murdered by Klingons, 
beams back to the ship)

(On the bridge)
Kirk: Well once again we've saved humanity as we know it. What fools we are.
(Sulu appears on the screen)
Sulu: It is nice again to see you in action, captain Kirk.
Kirk: Sulu! We haven't seen you in the entire script! Where have you been?
Sulu: That is none of your business captain. Let's just say we got lost, it 
        was..was..Franks fault.
Kirk: I don't want hear it. So long Sulu. You've been a good friend.
(Sulu's image fades from the viewscreen)
Chekov: Now there goes a big ship.
Scotty: But not as big as it's captain.
Kirk: I noticed Sulu was putting on some weight.
Valeris: Course captain?
Kirk: Valeris? What are you doing here?
Valeris: I uh..Why couldn't I have kept my mouth shut! Argh.
Replacement for Valeris: Course captain?
Kirk: 2nd star to the right and on till morning.
Spock: Captain?
Kirk: Morons! Corse 34 mark 10 engage it warp3. *sigh* That wasn't as 
        poetic but ah well.
(The Enterprise traverses into the stary night)
        Once again, I captain Kirk, take pen in hand to say these final 
        words.  We, the crew of the Starship enterprise, give over the 
        stick to another crew.  May they go in the ratings where no 
        man---where no one has gone before.

THE END