STAR TREK V: THE PHINAL PHRONTIER
A PARODY BY JASON GASTON

NOTE: Although it will be painful, it is recommended that one
watch STAR TREK V: THE FINAL FRONTIER before reading this parody.

[On Numbbutts III : The Planet of Galactic Merchandising, a lone
figure, Jethroe, is drilling for oil.  He looks up and sees Sybok
on a horse approaching.  Scared, he grabs his cap gun and prepares
to defend himself]

Sybok:  I thought weapons were forbidden on this planet.  Besides,
I don't think you'd kill me for a field of empty holes.
Jethroe: Try me.
Sybok:  Look, let's cut to the chase, ugly.  Each man holds a
separate pain.  What is yours?
Jethroe: You are standing on my foot.
Sybok:  Oopsie!  Sorry 'bout that!
Jethroe: (enchanted) It's as if a weight has been lifted from my
sole!  How can I repay you for this miracle?
Sybok: Join my quest!
Jethroe: What are you looking for?
Sybok:  What you seek...
Jethroe:  Oil?
Sybok:  NO, not oil!  Shut up and pay attention.  I am seeking the
ultimate truth, but to find it, I'll need a starship.
Jethroe:  A starship?
Sybok:  Yes, a starship.  What are you?  Deaf?
Jethroe:  But there aren't any starships on Numbbutts III!
Sybok:  Perhaps I have a way to bring one here.
Jethroe: How?

[Sybok lifts his hood revealing a pair of pointed ears.  Jethroe
wonders if Sybok is planning to catch a starship using them.  Sybok
begins laughing at a joke he had heard earlier that day  Meanwhile,
in Earth's Yosemite Sam National Park, McCoy is watching Kirk
and Spock climb a mountain]

McCoy: I hope he falls and breaks his neck.

Spock:  Greetings captain.
Kirk: [startled]  SPOCK!  You can fly!
Spock:  I am not flying captain, I am simply wearing a pair of Nike
anti-gravity boots.
Kirk:  What are you doing in this neck of the woods.
Spock:  I have been waiting for you to fall.
Kirk:  I'm fatter... uh, I mean flattered.  Twevle-zillion points of
interest in Yosemite and you pick me.  Why don't you go piss
of McCoy for a while.
Spock:  I'm afraid the doctor is not in the best of moods.

McCoy:  [singing]  Listen to the mockingbird,
listen to the mockingbird....

Spock:  Control is vital.  You must be one with the rock.
Kirk:  [lets go of rock to adjust girdle]  Spock I'm grateful that you
are trying to help me but...  HEY!  Don't fly away while I'm
talking to you!
Spock:  I am not flying away captain.  You are falling.
Kirk:  Oh...   WHAT!!!!    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Kirk hits the ground with an earth-shattering ka-boom.  McCoy and Spock
rush over]

McCoy:  Jim, are you all right!?
Kirk:  I'm fine bones.  I landed on my stomach.
Spock:  Fortunately, the landing was soft enough to prevent any damage.
McCoy:  Do you want any help out of the impact crater?

[Meanwhile, back on Numbbutts III, Cathin Dar, the new Romulan
Representative meets with Talburt, a human, and Kord, a klingon]

Dar:  Gentlemen, I am Cathlin Dar.
Talburt:  Yes, we heard.  I am Singin Talburt from the Federation and
this bag of lard is the over-the-hill klingon concilman, Kord.
Kord:  BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP!
Dar:  Is that klingon for hello?
Kord:  No, It means, "I think you are the most beautiful creature in
the galaxy.  Do you want to have sex?"
Dar:  Later maybe.  Thirty years ago, our three government formed this
planet together to capitalize on the growing success of Star
Trek merchandising.  A new age was born.
Talburt:  Our new age died a quick death.  Especially when Voyager came
out.
Dar:  Well, it looks like I've arrived just in time!

[Alarms go off]

Dar:  What's that?
Talburt:  Oh.  It's nothing.  The alarms are telling us that the city is
being attacked again.  What's next on the agenda?
Kord:  We are supposed to look over the prototypes of the "Lursa and
B'Tor Snap-on Cleavage set."
Talburt:  Oh yes.
Sybok:  Greetings everyone.
Dar:  Mr. President, I call a point of order.  The armed terrorist has
not been given permission to speak.
Talburt:  You are correct.  From now on, get permission from the chair
before speaking.
Sybok: [raises hand]
Talburt:  The chair recognizes the armed terrorist.
Sybok:  I'm afraid that I must take you all prisoner.
Talburt:  Motion on the floor is that the armed terrorist takes us prisoner.
Kord:  I second the motion.
Talburt:  Motion is seconded.  Let's vote.

[Meanwhile on board the new Enterprise]

Scotty:  Chief Engineer's top secret diary, Stardate: 276892896789216789
467843789708 [takes deep breath] 4879053278903278903.84834327896
26429 [whew!]  I've been looking at this new Enterprise, and I'm
beginning to think that Starfleet just took the old one we blew
up and put it back together with superglue.  She's got a fine
engine and late night buffet, but half of the doors won't open,
and guess who's job it is to make it right?

[On the bridge, Uhura is stuck in a turbolift door]

Uhura:  It's YOUR job Scotty!
Scotty:  Good answer lass!  Good answer!

[Uhura popps out of the door]

Scotty:  Lass!  What did you do to your head?  It looks like your wearing
steel wool on your head!
{Alarms go off}
Scotty:  I just fixed that damned thing!  Shut it off will you?
Admiral:  Red Alert!  Red Alert!  Enterprise come in!
Uhura:  Scotty, I think that this is for real.
Scotty:  I said shut it off!
Admiral:  Your not shutting me off this time Mr. Scott!  Get on the horn
and tell all of your buddies playing widerness boys that we've
cancelled vacation!

[Back at Yosemite Sam National Park, Kirk and company sit down around a
campfire]

McCoy:  Have I mentioned that you really piss me off Jim?
Kirk:  Not in the last four or five minutes, no.
McCoy:  Well you do!  Falling off that mountain you should've been killed!
Kirk:  Well, for your information doctor, even as I fell I knew I wouldn't
die.  You see, all my life I've always known that I'll either die
alone or with some bald french guy.
McCoy:  Look, I'm drunk and gassy, let's go to sleep.
Kirk:  Good idea.  Good night Spock.  Good night Bones.
Spock:  Good night doctor.  Good night Jim.
McCoy:  Good night Spock.  Good night Jim.
All:  Good night John-boy.

[Far out in the cold reaches of space, the Voyager floats by.  Suddenly, A
Klingon bird of prey decloaks.  On board the klingon ship, the young brat
captain Klaa makes his way to the bridge]

Klaa:  What we got today?
Vixis:  We got some old ship out there.  I think it has Earth origins.
Klaa:  Good!  Fire!
Janeway:  Greetings, I am captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voy-

[Bird of Prey shoots Voyager which goes boom]

Klaa:  Blasting space-junk is fun and all, but I really wish I had
something more exciting to do.
Vixis:  Oh, well in that case, we got a message a couple of weeks ago
about hostages on Numbutts III.  One of the hostages is a klingon!
Klaa:  Wowee!  That means I'll get to fight a real captain!  Vixis, take
us to Numbbutts III!

[Later, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are awakened by a shuttle]

McCoy:  IT'S GONNA LAND ON US!!!  RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!

[Shuttle lands and Uhura steps out]

Uhura:  Mr. Scott apologizes for having to send the shuttle craft but the
transporter is conveinetly broken.  Captain, the brass has
cancelled shoreleave and wants you to get your butt to the ship.
Kirk:  Why didn't you beep my pager?
Uhura:  We did.  Aparenty you were wearing it in you back pocket and sat
on it.
Kirk:  I see.  Well, McCoy, Spock.  Let's go.

[The shuttle lifts off as the forest turns into a raging inferno because
of the campfire Kirk had left behind.  As they enter orbit, they see the
great starship Enterprise]

Kirk:  Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale.  A tale of a fateful
trip.
McCoy:  The Bady Bunch.
Spock:  Gilliagan's Island.
McCoy:  Are you sure about that?
Kirk:  I am well versed in the classics doctor and I do watch
Nick-at-Nite whenever I can.

[The shuttle docks and Kirk, Spock, McCoy and Uhura are greeted by Scotty]

Scotty:  All I can say is they don't make them like like they used to.
Kirk:  You said you could have this ship ready in two weeks.  I gave you
two days!  That's gross incompetence on your part Scotty.
I'll see you in hell!!!

[Kirk, Uhura, Spock, and McCoy board the turbolift]

Turbolift:  WARNING!  THIS LIFT CAN ONLY HOLD A MAXIMUM OF 2000
POUNDS!!!
Spock:  Captain, perhaps you and Uhura should wait for the next car.

[Later, Kirk and Uhura arrive on the bridge]

Uhura:  Captain, we have an incoming transmission from Starfleet
headquarters.
Gene Roddenberry:  Jim!  Well, we're dressing informally aren't we?
Kirk:  There is nothing informal about a Beavis and Butt-head T-shirt,
sir.
Gene Roddenberry:  Look, I apologize for cancelling shoreleave but look.
We have a potentially dramatic situation developing on
Numbbutts III.
Kirk:  The planet of Galactic Babes?
Gene Roddenberry:  No, your thinking of Numb-busts III, I can see how
you can gets them confused.  Your mission, Jim, should you
choose to accept it is to go to Numbbutts III, rescue the
hostages...
Kirk:  You didn't say anything about hostages!
Gene Roddenberry:  Yes I did.
Kirk:  No you did not.
Gene Roddenberry:  Well, anyway, there are hostages  Go there and get
them out.
Kirk:  Can we kill them?
Gene Roddenberry:  Not this time.
Kirk:  Understood, Kirk out.  Mr. Sulu, lay in a course to Numbbuts III.
Warp 14.  It would appear that that ships problems will have to
be solved on route... Yada, yada, yada... End of speech.
McCoy: Jim, We're bound to run into the klingons, and they don't like you.  
             Remember?
Kirk:  They don't like me?  Really?  Oh, all of this time I thought they
were just playing.  OF COURSE I KNOW THAT THEY DON'T LIKE ME YOU
IDIOT!!!

[Kirk sits down and crushes the command chair]

Kirk:  Man, do I miss my old chair.

[Meanwhile...]

Vixis:  AptainCay!  HeTay Enterprise Is-ay OmingCay!
Klaa:  What?
Vixis:  I said that Starfleet is sending the Enterprise.
Klaa:  That's Kirk's ship!  Egads!  He'll beat the shit out of me!
Withdraw!  Withdraw!
Vixis:  But captain!  If by some stroke of luck you actually beat Kirk,
you'll become known as the luckiest chump in the galaxy!
Klaa:  Hmmm...  You do have a point.  Very well!  Resume course!

[Meanwhile]

Kirk:  What is that ugly guy doing on the viewscreen?
Spock:  That's one of the hostages.  General Kord.  He was Mr.
Congeniality, 1983.
Kirk:  Are any of the other hostages important?
Spock:  Not really.
Kirk:  Good.  Let's skip 'em!  Show the Hostage tape!
Dar: [on viewscreen] A few moments ago, we voted to be the hostages of
the Galactic Army of Light and Other Wussy Stuff.  Their leader
says he wants you guys to send a starship and bail us out.
Sybok:  I regret this desperate acting, but this is a terrible movie.  I
employ you...
Dar:  Implore.
Sybok:  Right.  I implore you, to respond.  Immediately!  This tape will
self-destruct in five seconds.
Kirk:  What a putz.  Spock, did you see what a putz that guy was?  Spock?
Hello?  Earth to Spock!
Spock:  I'm sorry captain.
Kirk:  What's wrong?  You look like you've seen a half-brother you've
kept hidden from your friends because he's bonkers and dangerous.
Spock:  Perhaps I have captain.  Perhaps I have.

[Later, in the Enterprise's Naval Musem]

Kirk:  Ok Spock.  What's going on?  Do you know that Sybok guy?
Spock:  He reminds me of somebody I knew when I starred on
Mission: Impossible.  You see, I knew this guy many years ago.
I was his teacher.  But, my pupil was a rebel.
Kirk:  What's that mean?
Spock:  He embraced the animal passions of our ancestors.
Kirk:  No, I mean what does PUPIL mean?
Uhura: [on intercom] Captain, we are entering orbit of Numbbutts III.
Kirk:  Right-O, on my way!  Spock?
Spock:  I'm coming!  I'm coming!

[Back on the bridge]

Kirk:  Scotty, have you got the transporters fixed yet?
Scotty:  They're broken!?  Why am I always the last one to know about
these things!?
Spock:  A vessel is entering the sector.  Bird of Prey, estimating five
minutes until her weapons come to bear.
All:  FIVE MINUTES!!!???
Spock:  Or five hours, I can never read this damn thing right.
Kirk:  It looks like we'll have to get the hostages out the old-fashioned
way.
Chekov:  Kill them?
Kirk:  Ordinarily, I'd agree, but we can't.  Sulu, Uhura, Spock, McCoy,
myself, and a contingent of nameless redshirts will go to the
planet via shuttlecraft.
Chekov:  That is a really stupid plan.

[In the bar on Numbbutts III]

Chekov: [on communicator]  I am Pavel Chekov of the federation starship
Enterprise. You are in violation of starfleet regulation
34315432-A and you are hearby ordered to surrender.
Sybok:  34315432-A?  Isn't that the "we shall sell no wine before it's
time" law?
Chekov:  Did I say 34315432-A?  I meant 34312354-T!
Sybok:  Public nudity?  I think you'd better check your script.

[Meanwhile, the shuttle caring Kirk's landing party arrives]

Spock:  I estimate the journey to Paradise City will take us
approximately 2.3 hours.
Kirk:  It wouldn't have if you hadn't have landed the shuttle 10 figgin'
kilometers away!
Spock:  Captain, there are some horse stables down there.  Perhaps if we
stole a few of them we could get to the city faster.
Kirk:  I have a better idea.  What if we stole some horses from that
stable down there? Then we could get to the city faster!
Spock:  Excellent plan sir.
Kirk:  The question is...  How are we going to get their attention?

[A few moments later, beautiful singing is heard echoing through the
dessert night]

Voice:  I'm too sexy for my ship...  Too sexy for this ship...  Stand
back so I can shake my hips.
Outlaw #1:  Who's that?
Outlaw #2:  Wow is she naked!?
Outlaw #3:  What's with her hair?
Outlaw #4:  Who cares?  Let's run mindlessly in her direction!
All:  Yeah!

[The Outlaws scurry toward the singing woman and are ambushed by Kirk
and company]

Uhura:  Hello boys!  I've always wanted to play to a captive audience.
Now, captain, where are my clothes?
Kirk:  Clothes?  What clothes?
Uhura:  Tell me where they are, you bastard!

[With horses in hand, Kirk and company ride into Paradise City.  Jethroe
has been put on guard duty]

Jethroe:  Open the gates!  It's our look-out party!  Man!  Has the leader
gained weight or what!?
Kirk:  There's a bunch of bad-guys after us!  Close the gates! [Kirk's
horse dies of exhaustion]
Jethroe:  Hey!  Wait a minute!  WE'RE the bad-guys!  Who are you?
What are you doing here?
Kirk:  Phasers on wedgie!  Sulu!  Ride off that way and get shot!
Sulu:  Aye sir!

[Fighting ensues and all of the nameless redshirts are killed in the
first few minutes.  Kirk gets tired and slinks off into a bar.]

Kirk:  Who's over there?  I'm warning you!  Come out or I'll phaser you!

[Dar, Kord, and Talburt emerge]

Kirk:  Thank God!  I thought you were the boogyman!
Dar:  Hand over your weapon Kirk!
Kord:  Grrrrrrrrrrr.
Talburt:  I assure you, resistance is futile.
Kirk:  Wait a second, I'm totally confused now.  I thought you guys were
the hostages.
Talburt: We are.
Kirk:  So, why are you pointing guns at me for?
Dar:  We have been seduced by the power of the dark side.
Kirk:  What?
Kord:  We have joined Sybok you fool!
Dar:  Do you understand now?
Kirk:  Yes...  uh....  actually... no.

[After explaining the gist of what's happened so far to Kirk, the
ex-hostages take him to the main courtyard where McCoy, Spock, Sulu,
and Uhura are being held prisoner]

Sybok:  Well done my friends!
Kirk:  Why, thank you!
Sybok:  Not you!  Sit down and shut up!  Wait a minute!  Spock?  Is
that you?
Spock:  Sybok.  It is unfortunate to see you again!
Sybok:  Well Spock, it looks like you've been given a second chance
to join me!  What do you say?
Spock: [Looks at Sybok, then Kirk, then Sybok, then Kirk, then back at
Sybok] If I did, then Kirk'd kill me at the end of the movie.
Sybok:  I see...  Well, it looks like I'll have to steal the Enterprise
without your help.
Kirk:  You staged all of this to get your hands on MY ship?
Sybok:  Maybe.  Who are you?
Kirk:  James T. Kirk - Captain of the Enterprise!
Sybok:  Bull!  Pavel Chekov is the captain of the Enterprise!
Kirk:  That short little son of a...
McCoy:  Excuse me?  Could I remind everyone of a minor detail?  In
about five minutes, the Klingons are going to show up and
make us all dead!
Sybok:  Egads!  Everyone!  Get in the shuttle!  Come on!  Move it!
Move it!  Move it!

[A short time later, on the Enterprise]

Chekov:  Position Bird of Prey?
Scotty:  Closing.
Chekov:  What about the shuttle?
Scotty:  She's en route.
Chekov:  Excellent!  Lock phasers and fire!
Scotty:  WHAT!?
Chekov:  This is our chance Scotty!  Our chance to finally get rid of
him!  We can blame it on the Klingons!  Come on Scotty, you
can't tell me that once or twice you haven't thought of
"losing" his transporter pattern!
Scotty:  I know.  But unfortunately so does the Captain!  You see,
he thought you might try something like this, so he took
your favorite teddy bear to the planet with him.
Chekov:  Stalin!?
Scotty:  That the one!
Chekov:  [fume]  Very well, let's get the shuttle safely on board.
Our day is coming soon. Oh yes...  sooooooooon.

[On board the Bird of Prey]

Klaa:  Oh boy!  Kirk's on that itsy-bitsy defenseless shuttle!  I can
kill him quite easily!
Vixis:  But captain, that wouldn't be very honorable!
Klaa:  Crap.  You're right!  What if we de-cloaked and played chicken
with him?
Vixis:  What good would that do?
Klaa:  It could give him a heart attack.
Vixis:  I suppose that if that happened we could say that he died of
fear of us!
Klaa:  Right-o!  Let's do it!

[On the shuttle]

Talburt:  Once we gain control of the ship, we will re-adjust the
seats and re-program the pre-set radio stations on your stereo.
Kirk:  You bastards!  The Klingons are out there.  We'll be lucky to
get back ourselves!  Kord!  You tell him!
Kord:  huh?
Kirk:  You see!?  If we're going to get back safely, we'll have to
execute emergency landing plan B.
Sybok:  Mr. Sulu, is that dangerous?
Sulu:  I don't know.  I've never heard of it.
Sybok:  Gee...  Let me think.  I have to choose between certain death
or probable death. Which death would hurt more?
Uhura:  I'm no expert, but I'd say that the Klingon way of death would
be very painful.
Sybok:  Well, in that case, do the landing plan B thing.
Kirk:  Right!  Engage!

[The shuttle shoots toward the Enterprise, but unfortunately, Kirk
forgot to tell Chekov about his plan and the shuttle crashes into
the still-closed shuttlebay doors]

Kirk:  Ouch.  That was not smart.  Oh geez.  What a minute!  Sybok's
dropped his gun!  If I can get my hand on it, I can save the ship!
Sybok:  [Grabbing gun]  I don't think so!
Kirk:  Oh dear god!  Sybok can read my thoughts!
McCoy:  No he can't, you idiot!  You were thinking out loud again!
Kirk:  Boy I'd like to kick that smart-asses teeth in.
McCoy:  Jim, you're doing it again.
Sybok:  Captain, I demand that you take me to the bridge.
Kirk:  Ok, but first I'd like to say, "I'm sorry."
Sybok:  For what?
Kirk:  For this!

[Kirk lunges at Sybok, who subsequently beats the shit out of him]

Sybok:  There.  Maybe that will teach you to mess with Sybok!  I...
Wait a second, I cannot seem to find my gun.
Spock:  I am afraid that I have it.
Sybok:  Oh.  May I have it back?
Spock:  Art thou insane!?  Surrender now.
Sybok:  No.  You must kill me.
Spock:  Very well.
Gun: [click click]
Sybok:  HA!  You forgot to reload the gun!  What a stroke of luck on
my part!  Well Spock, you've really pissed me off this time
so I'm going to have to throw you and your friends in the brig.

[Sybok's men escourt Kirk, Spock, and McCoy away.  Meanwhile, Kord
shoves Uhura and Sulu out of the shuttle wreckage]

Kord:  These two will be useful!
Sybok:  How so?
Kord:  As help!
Sybok:  Oh yeah!  Sulu, Uhura, look into my eyes!  You are getting
sleepy...sleepy...sleeeeeepy.

Uhura and Sulu:  Yes master.

[Later, in the brig]

Kirk:  Spock!  Why didn't you kill Sybok?
Spock:  The gun didn't have any bullets.
Kirk:  Come on Spock, what's the real reason?
Spock:  The gun had no bullets.
Kirk:  Spock, you're holding out on us.
Spock:  One moment, let me check the script.  Hmmmmm...  blah, blah,
blah, "Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are thrown in the brig..."
Blah, blah, blah....  Oh!  Here it is!  "Sybok is my long
lost half-brother"  WHAT!?  "Long lost half-brother!?"
Who writes this tripe?
Kirk:  Grrrrrrrrrrr.

[Meanwhile on the Bridge]

Chekov:  What's going on?  Sulu!  Uhura!  Who are these people!?
Sulu:  These are terrorists who have commandeered the Enterprise and
have thrown captain Kirk in the brig.
Chekov:  Threw captain Kirk in the brig?
Sybok:  Yes, and now I must hypnotize you.
Chekov:  No need.  I've been trying to get rid of that bloated
no-good scene stealer for years!
Sybok:  Indeed?
Chekov:  So tell me babe, where are we headed?
Sybok:  You're right, it is time to announce my intentions to the
rest of the crew.

[In the brig, Kirk tries to escape though the ceiling but an energy bolt
electrocutes him]

Kirk:  yyyyyyyyAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!
Spock:  Are you all right Jim?
Kirk:  Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Yes...
McCoy:  That's odd.  I smell frying bacon.
Spock:  As do I.
Sybok: [on intercom]  Friends, Romans, Countrymen, since the beginning
of time, people everywhere have been searching for the place
where it all started.  Modern dogma tells us that this place
is a myth.  Well, to those dogs I say, SHUT UP!!!  It is no
myth I tell you!
McCoy:  He can't mean...
Sybok:  Our destination is Desilu Studios, which is located in the
center of the galaxy!
Spock:  Desilu...  Where all life in the Star Trek universe started!
Kirk:  B-B-B-But the c-center of the g-g-galaxy can't be r-r-reached.
Sound: [TAP-TAP-TAP]
McCoy:  Ok, which one of you guys just farted?
Spock:  I do not believe it was a fart you heard, doctor.  I believe
someone is trying to communicate with us in Morse code.
Sound: [TAP-TAPITY-TAP]
Kirk:  That's an "S"
Spock:  "T"
McCoy: "A"
Sound: [TAP-WHAM-TAP]
Kirk:  That is an "Y"
Spock: "N" captain.
Kirk:  Whatever.
McCoy:  Oh GREAT!!!  You two've made me loose my place!
Kirk:  What!?  Oh no!  I've lost my place too!
Spock:  As have I.
McCoy:  Don't panic!  Don't panic!  What have we got so far?
Spock: "STAN"
Kirk:  I've got it!  There is a little man named Stan living in the wall!

[The wall explodes revealing Scotty]

Scotty:  What are ye standing around for!?  Do you not know a jailbreak
when you see one?
Kirk:  Scotty!  Are you helping Stan too?

[Later, Scotty and the ex-jailbirds scurry through the bowels of the
Enterprise]

Kirk:  Tell me Scotty, how did you escape when everyone else on the ship
is being turned into mindless zombies?
Scotty:  I was in the shuttlebay havin' a wee bit o scotch when I
saw you crashed through the doors.  (hiccup) Then I hid.
Kirk:  Sorry I asked.  Scotty, were can we send a distress call?
Scotty: (hiccup)  Federal express it.
Kirk:  Scotty.  Are you drunk?
Scotty:  Maybe.
Spock:  Captain, I believe that there is an emergency sending apparatus
in ten forward... er... I mean the officers lounge.
Kirk:  Dammit Spock!  What good will that do us!?  What we need is a radio!
Spock:  That is what an emergency sending apparatus is.
Kirk:  Exactly!  Come on guys.  Scotty...  uh...  you stay here.

[Kirk, Spock, and McCoy leave.  Scotty falls down in a drunken stupor]

Kirk:  What the hell kind of an elevator is this?
McCoy:  It's not an elevator Jim, it's just a shaft.  We're going to
have to climb up it.
Kirk:  Right-o.  Let's get to it.

[Meanwhile, a hypnotized Sulu and several of Syboks men race through
the bowels of the ship chasing Kirk and company.  Sulu rounds a corner
and trips over Scotty]

Sulu:  OUCH!!!  I mean...  Get Mr. Scott a cup of black coffee.

[Back in the elevator shaft]

Kirk:  Wow!  Oh man, am I bushed!  Let's rest for a minute.
McCoy:  But we've only climbed up one deck!
Kirk:  Shut up bones.  Spock, how much further do...  Spock?  Bones,
where's Spock?
McCoy:  Maybe he fell.  Yea!  No more Spock!
Spock:  I believe the reports of my death are premature doctor.
McCoy:  Ahhh!  Spock!  You're flying!
Spock:  As a stated before at the beginning of this parody, I am
wearing a pair of anti-gravity boots.  I believe that we can
use them to fly up the shaft.
Kirk:  Brilliant plan Spock.
Spock: I know.

[Kirk and McCoy jump into Spock's arms]

Kirk:  Ooooo, Spock, is that a phaser in your pocket or are you just
happy to see me?
McCoy:  What's going on?  Why are we going down?
Spock:  I belive that we are too heavy.
Kirk:  Must've been all of those marshmallows.  And the cake...
the three zagnut bars, the roast pig, the...

[Sulu, who is still limping, and his garrison arrive.]

Sulu:  Up there!  My God!  They're going to land right on us!
Run away!  Run away!
Kirk:  Spock, fire the booster rockets.
Spock:  Jim, my shoes don't have booster rockets...
Kirk:  FIRE THE DAMN ROCKETS!!!

[The three shoot up at tremendous speed passing deck after deck.
Deck 20...  Deck 40... Deck 58...  Deck 123...  Deck 28479 and a
half!  Suddenly, they smash into the ceiling.]

Spock:  Ouch.  I belive I have overshot the mark by one level.
McCoy: I can't feel my legs.
Spock:  Interesting...  I could've sworn that my anti-grav boots did not
have booster rockets.  What could've caused our momentum to
increase so rapidly?
Kirk:  Must've been all those mashmellons.

[The three arrive at the emergency transmitter]

Kirk:  To any ships within the sound of my voice, this is Captain
James T. Kirk.  respond please.
Vixis:  [on transmitter] This is the klingon... er... I mean this is
your imperious pig federation.  Whaddya want?
Kirk:  A crazy Vulcan has taken control of this ship and put us on a
direct course with the center of the galaxy.
Vixis:  I see.  What is your location?
Kirk:  Uhhh...  Well...  We are... uh... in space.  Uh...  lots of
stars outside.  Listen, we're heading toward the center of
the galaxy.  Can you just meet us there?
Vixis:  Sure, why not.  Well send a raiding party.... uh... I mean,
a rescue team right away.  Klingons.... I mean...oh shit!
Starfleet out.
Transmitter:  Thank you for using AT&T.
Kirk:  Well that's that. Now all we have to do is wait for Starfleet
to show up.
Sybok:  It'll be a long wait.
Kirk:  What!?  Sybok!  How did you find us?
Sybok:  We found Mr. Sulu gassed and unconscious in an elevator shaft.
He told us about the transmitter here and I assumed that
this is where you'd be.
Kirk:  Well, let me tell YOU something Sybok...  Never ASSUME!  Because
when you ASSUME you make an "ASS" out of "U" and "ME!"
Sybok:  I do not see how that is relevant.
Kirk:  Well, neither do I.  Why are you enslaving the minds of my crew?
Sybok:  I'm not enslaving them, I've freeing them.  Allow me to
demonstrate.  I will now take away Dr. McCoy's pain.
McCoy:  Sounds like brainwashing to me...  I... hey...  What are you...
Dog:  Woof...
McCoy:  Yeller?  Oh God don't do this to me!
Dog:  Arf.  Grrrrr....
Paw:  Leonard, you know what you have to do.  Ol Yeller's got rabies.
He's gotta be shot.
McCoy: [to Sybok]  All my medical knowledge and I can't save him.
[to Paw]  Yeller's my dog Paw.  Let me do it.
Paw:  Today you are a man.

[McCoy raises a shotgun to Ol Yeller and fires.  Blood splatters all
over the doctor]

Sybok:  That wasn't the worst of it was it?
McCoy:  NO!
Sybok:  Share it my brother!
McCoy:  Not long after that, we found out he wasn't rabid!  He was
just in a bad mood! (boo hoo hoo!)
Sybok:  [hugging McCoy]  Praise tha Lord!  You are saved!  This house
is clear.
Kirk:  Big deal.  I need another example.  Do your voodoo on Spock.
Sybok:  Right-o!

[All of the sudden, the officer's lounge turns into a "Leave it to
Beaver-ish" home with Sarek and Amanda playing with the infant
Spock.  Amanda gets up to leave and Sarek starts dropping Spock on
his head over and over and over and over again.  The Elder Spock
begins whimpering and rubbing his head]

Kirk:  Quit blubbering you idiot! [backhands Spock]
Sybok:  Let me take away your pain Captain.
Kirk:  I NEED my pain!
Sybok:  Why?
Kirk:  Because I...  Uhhhh...  Well, it's a matter of...  errrr...
Uhura: [on intercomm]  Sybok, we are approaching the great big barrier.
Sybok:  What's that?
Kirk:  It's Uhura.  The chick with the metallic hair.
Sybok:  No, the great big barrier.  What is it?
Spock:  It is a force sheild that no one in recorded history has ever
crossed that surrounds the center of the galaxy.
Sybok:  Oh.  Well, there's a first time for everything!  Come on Spock,
come on McCoy.

[Spock and McCoy start to leave with Sybok until Kirk clears his throat.
The two then stop, roll their eyes, and rejoin the captain]

Kirk:  You know well never get across the great big barrier!
Sybok:  Yes we will!  God told me we will!  He's waiting for us on
the other side.
Kirk:  Really?  Is Elvis there too?
Sybok: [leaving] We shall see.
Kirk: [to Spock] Coo-coo!  Coo-coo!

[Later on the bridge]

Chekov:  I don't wanna meet God anymore!  I wanna go home!
Sulu:  They say no ship has ever returned from the great big barrier.
Sybok:  Really?  Just who are "they" Mr. Sulu?
Sulu:  Uhh... errr.
Sybok;  I thought so.  Take us in.

[The Enterprise speeds into the Great Big Barrier]

Kirk: My god!  It's full of stars!

[Suddenly, a funny-looking planet appears on the viewscreen]

Sybok:  There it is!  The planet of Shaka-Khan!
Uhura:  Wow.
Kirk:  Very impressive.
Sybok:  Yah!  KIRK!  What are you doing on the bridge!?
Kirk: You forgot to leave some guards with us so we decided to come up
here to see what's up.
Sybok:  I see.  Well, as long as you're here you can take command of the
Enterprise.
Kirk:  Thank you!  Mr. Chekov, escourt Sybok to the brig.
Sybok:  WAIT!  Aren't you curious as to what's on the planet?  I can
take you there!
Kirk:  Spock, what do you think?
Spock:  If we took him along, it would be incredibly stupid.
Kirk:  Agreed.  Come on Sybok.

[Later on the planet]

Kirk:  Ashame the transporters are still broken.  Scotty could've
beamed us directly to God.
McCoy:  Oh man.  I wish I'd have known that I would be meeting God
today.  I would've worn a tie.

[The four round a corner and come up on a old building]

Sybok:  Desilu Studios!
Spock:  He was right!  It is here!

[The ground shakes and "God" appears]

"God": Greetings Y'all.
Kirk:  Is this the voice of God?
"God":  Well, it certainly ain't Moses!  Say, tell the almighty how
you guys found me?
Sybok:  We flew in on a starship.
"God":  Really!?  Could this starship take me out of here?  Granted,
I am God and I could get out of here anytime I wanted, but
there's just something about hitchhiking that interests me.
Sybok:  It could yes!
Kirk:  Excuse me.
"God":  Shaddup!  [hits Kirk with energy bolt]  Bring the starship closer.
Kirk:  [recovering]  What does God need with a...
"God": [Zapps Kirk again]
Sybok:  Wait just a darn minute!  God wouldn't do this!  What have I
done!?  Spock!  You and the others run away while I wrestle
with this guy.
Kirk: [to communicator]  Sulu, I want you to fire a photon torpedo at
our coordinates!
Sulu:  But sir, Chekov did that about a minute ago!  I couldn't stop
him!  It should be reaching your position right about...

[KA-BLAM!  Kirk, Spock, and McCoy are thrown clear of the explosion
(un)fortunatly, Sybok is dead]

Kirk:  Well, that's all we can do here.  Who's hungry?
Noise: Grrrrrrrrr.
McCoy:  What was that!?
Kirk:  My Stomach.
Noise:  Grrrraaaaaarrrrrrr!
McCoy:  Then what was that!?
Kirk:  Run.
McCoy:  What?
Kirk:  RUN!
McCoy:  Oh, run!

[Kirk and the others run back to the shuttle with "god" in hot pursuit]

Spock:  Someone has siphoned our gas!
Kirk:  [to communicator]  Scotty, please tell me that the transporters
are working.
Scotty:  Aye, I found out that the damn thing wasn't plugged in!
Kirk:  Beam us up!

[Spock and McCoy beam away]

Kirk:  Hey!  That's not funny!
Scotty:  All right!  Joke's over.  I'll beam you up now!

[Suddenly, Enterprise is attacked by the now-forgotten Klingons and
the transporter conveniently breaks again]

Kirk:  Scotty?  Scotty?
Operator:  We're sorry but your call can not be completed as dialed.
Kirk:  Blast!

[Kirk runs away and climbs a mountain (apparently, because it was there)
"God" catches up with him and prepares to make the kill!  Suddenly,
a chunk of blue ice from the Enterprise falls out of the sky and kills
the false god.  Kirk starts dancing a jig and is beamed up to the
Enterprise]

Kirk:  Ah, it's great to be back!  What's all the commotion about?
Spock:  We're being attacked by the Klingons and only your superior
skills as captain can save us!
Kirk:  Ho-hum.  Mr Chekov, blow them up.
Chekov:  Aye sir!

[The Bird of Prey goes boom - Later, Kirk holds a beer bust in the
officers lounge]

Kirk:  What are you two talking about?
McCoy:  We were...  speculating.  How many licks does it take to get
to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
Kirk:  742.  I checked.
Spock: [sigh]
Kirk:  Something wrong Spock?  Has the death of your brother
depressed you.
Spock:  No, not really.  I was just wondering.  What is the point?
Kirk: ...of life?
Spock: ...of this adventure!?  I mean, we travel billions of miles
across the cosmos looking for God and what do we find!?
An alien that isn't nice!  What was the point!?
Kirk:  It was brilliantly directed.
Spock:  Oh wake up!  ...wake up!  ...wake up!  ...wake up!  ...wake up!

[the scene ripples and dissolves to Kirk asleep in his sleeping bag in
Yosemite Sam National Park]

Spock:  ...wake up!  ...wake up!  Jim?  Jim, wake up!
Kirk:  Wha...!?  [snort]  Spock?  What happened to the planet of
Shakka-Khan?
Spock:  Shakka-Khan captain?  I know of no such place.
Kirk:  It was all a dream!
Spock:  What was?
Kirk:  There was this guy...  this...  Vulcan who laughed a lot.
He lured us to a planet and took over the minds of the crew.
And... and we met God!  Only, it wasn't God... it was a
bad alien!  And the guy who took over the ship was your
long-lost half brother!
Spock:  Long lost half brother?  That's stupid.
Kirk:  I thought it was a neat idea.
Spock:  Was I in your dream?
Kirk:  Yes...  You were dropped on your head.
Spock:  Go back to sleep Jim.
Kirk:  ...and there was this...  dog.  His name was Ol Yeller.

[THE END]