(Opening scene)

[The Enterprise is crusing through space on a routine patrol mission. Everything seems fine, but then again.....]

[On The bridge of the Enterprise during night shift]

RIKER: Yawn, I can't believe I ate all of that dried fruit. (bowels making that glug glug  glug sound)

DATA: What exactly are we patrolling this sector for anyway sir?

RIKER: Last week Starfleet command sent us a message that there were some Federation council members sent to help negotiate peace between the Monkeymen and the warlike Slugmongers on planet Scrotar. They accomplished the task by killing all of them and were on their way home when communications were lost in this sector.

ENSIGN DAN: Isn't that a bit extreme to wipe out two races?

RIKER: Were we talking to you? (gut making extreme gastrointestinal noises)

DATA: So basically, we are looking for the council members and what ever caused loss of communications.

RIKER: Exactly. Mr. Data, you have the bridge while I go take a dump, dried fruit is getting to me.

DATA: Aye sir.

(as Data sits in the Captains chair, a blinding Flash enters the room)

Q: Greetings Mo Capi tan..... Wait, Your not the captain, Where's Picard?

DATA: He is currently off duty, May I take a message? (horrible farting and squirting noises echoing in the distance)

Q: Just tell him that over the next few days, I will be testing you all, Think of it as a performance exam.

(exit Q)

[opening theme]

(The hours linger on and on, Finally the morning shift arrives and all Senior members are on the bridge along with several ensigns including the dreaded Wesley)
 

DATA: Captain, long range sensors detect a ship adrift.

PICARD: That's nice, Hey, how about those Packers Number one?

RIKER: Oh, that was a game, they stomped the crap out of the Florida Ferengis.

DATA: Sir, the ship on long range scan?

PICARD: Oh yes, about that ship. Who's is it?

DATA: It's would appear to be the USS Lollipop sir.

RIKER: The Council's ship.

WORF: Phasers locked sir.

PICARD: Dammit Worf, what did I tell you about locking Phasers without my authorization...

WORF: Sorry sir, But Klingon law states that if a friendly ship does not hail within 5 seconds visual range that is an act of war.

PICARD: That does not apply here.

WORF: Why not?

PICARD: Because we are not a part of the Klingon Empire.

WORF: Sorry, I keep forgetting.

PICARD: Where were we? Ah yes that ship. Life signs Mr. DATA?

DATA: Two sir.

PICARD: Riker, assemble an away team and find those life signs.

RIKER: Yes sir.
 

[Riker, Data, Worf, Wesley, And two soon to be dead ensigns beam over to the Lollipop]
 

(Scene switch to on board the Lollipop)

[As our heroes beam in they see the charred remains of what used to be several Council members. One of which looks like he was torn open by a lion and run over by a bulldozer]
 

RIKER: Egad, what a mess.

WORF: They died a glorious death in battle!!!

DATA: Resembles files on the murders of Jeffrey Dalmer.

WESLEY: Gross.

ENSIGNS 1 and 2: *gag, hurl, wretch, barf, wheeze

DATA: There is a life sign coming directly toward us.

RIKER: Is it humanoid?

DATA: I don't know what it is, but it is big and slimy.

WESLEY: I'm scared.

WORF: Shut up wuss boy. I'll handle this, he says while setting his phaser rifle to shake-n-bake.

[The terrible hissing and scraping sounds grow louder as the creature comes down the dark corridor toward them]
 

ENSIGNS 1 and 2: Protect the senior staff they scream as they run down the

        corridor to certain doom.
 

[The screams and tearing of flesh soon follow their brave and yet stupid attempt on the creatures life]
 

WORF: Those idiotic kabalumphs he says just before sending a hail of heavy weapons fire in the creatures direction.
 

[The creature explodes sending acidic blood all over the walls and a stench down the hallway]
 

RIKER: What's that smell?

DATA: Sensors detect concentrated acid eating away at the bulkheads. About five minutes to hull breech.

RIKER: Let's find that other survivor and get the heck out of here.

DATA: The other survivor is a human, and he is in the next room.
 

[As they rush to the next room, Wesley spots what appears to be a large egg....]
 

WESLEY: Wow! This egg will look great in Ensign Dan's collection. He says scooping it into his arms.

RIKER: The survivor is unconscious. Riker to Enterprise, five to beam out.
 

[As they beam out, the acid eats through the hull and implodes the Lollipop]
 

(on board the Enterprise)

[the council member is transported to the infirmary while everyone else wanders around]
 

*door chime*

ENSIGN DAN: Enter

WESLEY: Hey Dan, look what I got ya. (holding out the egg)

ENSIGN DAN: Wow! it's one of the biggest eggs I have ever seen, What is it?

WESLEY: I dunno, I found it on an away mission.

ENSIGN DAN: Well, whatever it is, it's going on a stand right beside my bed as the  crown jewel of my egg collection. Thanks Wes, I'll let you know when I find your Klingon playmate of the month poster.

WESLEY: No problem, hey, I'll see you in ten forward later this evening OK.

ENSIGN DAN: I'll see you there.

WESLEY: Later

[Exit Wesley]
 

(Meanwhile in sick bay)
 

RIKER: What is the condition of councilor Rhodes?

CRUSHER: Well, he has symptoms of shellshock.

RIKER: Can you wake him up?

CRUSHER: I can, but he may be incoherent.

RIKER: Do it.
 

(Crusher injects him with hypospray and he begins to stir)
 

RIKER: What happened to your crew?

RHODES: blurrble blemple blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

RIKER: So, you were coming home from your mission when you ship received a distress call from a planet. When you investigated it turned out to be a warning and a big  alien queen kills your crew while you hide in a bathroom.

RHODES: nuh huh

CRUSHER: You got all of that from "blurrble blemple blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah?

RIKER: Yep. Oh, you better sedate him, he's lost control of his bodily functions and is starting to drool.
 

(Crusher sedates Rhodes)
 

RHODES: nraak.

RIKER: I had better tell the Captain.
 

(Intercom: Senior staff to the bridge)
 

(On the bridge)
 

DATA: Long range sensors indicate that a small vessel is being pursued by a larger one.

PICARD: That's a little vague, please elaborate.

DATA: The larger ship is heavily armed while the smaller one is, well let's face it, a pansy looking piece of junk.

PICARD: One of the prime directives is protect pansies, let's go.

WORF: Sheesh.

PICARD: Pursue and overtake the small ship and....

WORF: Lock Phasers?

PICARD: No, that's not what I was going to say.

WORF: Rats.

PICARD: Extend our shields around them.

DATA: Aye sir.

PICARD: Engage.

DATA: It's already done sir.

PICARD: Oh, OK.

WORF: The captain of the pansy ship is hailing us sir.

PICARD: On screen.
 

(The screen comes on and a big purple dinosaur with green spots and a stupid grin on his face appears.)
 

RIKER: (whispers to Picard) not exactly what I expected.

BARNEY: Hey kids! Thanks for saving me from those bad men. (starts singing I love  you, you love me)

PICARD: (to Troi) What do you sense?

TROI: Love, happiness, joy, stupidity, almost as bad as Wesley.

WESLEY: Huh?

WORF: Great, just what we don't need, someone else that's just as bad as that stupid kid.

TROI: He's almost like Wes, yet he is unintelligent and sickeningly....nice.

PICARD: Hail the other ship.

WORF: Aye sir.

PICARD: I am Jean Luc Picard Captain of the starship Enterprise, I represent the Unit..

PREDATOR CAPTAIN: Nye am kapton  Klave, Nye wannt thannt dinusar'z hed fore  mie kolekton. Yu hav fiv ov yur min its too hannd hem ovr ore wee wil atak yu.

WORF: Channel closed.

PICARD: What did you sense Troi?

TROI: Two things, One Riker looking at my chest, and two, a seriously pissed off individual. He meant what he said Captain.

PICARD: Tactical analysis Worf.

WORF: They have us out gunned 12 to 1 sir.

PICARD: YIKES!!! Well, I can't go against that directive and you all know that I never have broken one yet...

RIKER: ARE YOU INSANE!?!?! Give them the goofy looking pansy and lets get out of here!!!

DATA: Well guess what everyone, I have good news and bad news.

RIKER: What's the good news?

DATA: The Predator Ship is going to fire on us in one minute.

PICARD: If that's the good news, I don't want to here the bad news?

RIKER: What's the bad news.

DATA: We have been picked up on the sensors of a BORG CUBE that will be here in about 30 seconds.
 

(Troi faints)

(A grin comes over Worf's face as he begins to drool)

(Riker farts and looks at Troi)
 

PICARD: Tractor that Pansy ship into Cargo bay and arm all weapons!
 

( The Three ships enter into an all night stand off while everyone wonders who will make the first move)
 

[Meanwhile in Ensign Dan's Quarters]
 

ENSIGN DAN: Root de do do do, He hums as he climbs into bed. Good night my big egg. He claps twice and the lights go out.
 

(As he starts to snore, the egg opens silently and a face hugger crawls out. It does what face huggers do and impregnates Ensign Dan. By morning it has crawled under the bed and died. Dan never knew anything happened, he just wondered what hatched out of his egg and why his mouth tasted like molasses.)
 

[Early the next morning in the ready room]
 

PICARD: What are we going to do? *sob*

WESLEY: I know, I know

RIKER: Shut up, we will ask you when we have tried everything else.

WORF: I've got it!!! we can fly between them and self destruct taking them both down in  the explosion!!! It will be glorious!!!

BARNEY: Let's all play a make believe game.

WORF: We will kill you if you say another word.

BARNEY: *gulp*

RIKER: Captain, I think that you should know that the Lollipop crew was all wiped out  by a big slimy thing that also killed two of our gun charger downers.

PICARD: Oh, so that's what happened to Ensigns Bill and Ted.
 

UNKNOWN ENSIGN ON BRIDGE: The BORG are hailing us. Please report to the bridge.
 

(everyone rises and goes to the bridge)
 

[on the bridge]
 

PICARD: On screen.
 

BORG: WE ARE THE BORG, WE WILL ADD YOUR DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR  OWN, NOW BE GOOD LITTLE MONKEYS AND DON'T MAKE IT HARD ON YOURSELVES BY TRYING TO BE HEROES.
 

WORF: Channel closed. Captain, the Predator ship received the same message.
 

INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT
 

WORF: The Borg are coming aboard.
 

(While a security team assembles, the Borg make off with Barney and 20 ensigns including ensign Dan,)
 

ENSIGN BILL: Security team ready sir.

WORF: That would have been nice about five minutes ago, they have taken the first few for assimilation already.

LA FORGE: Just want you all to know that if your shields had been up, that wouldn't have happened.

PICARD: I knew that I forgotten something, shields up. Nice of you to join us from your Leah Brahms program in the holodeck Mr. La forge.

LA FORGE: No problem sir. I still can't get that bitch to put out.
 

(Meanwhile on the Predator Ship)

PREDATOR 1: Sensors indicate that your trophy was just taken to the Borg ship Captain.

CAPTAIN KLAVE: So, the hunt begins.

PREDATOR 2: What about the humans sir?

CAPTAIN KLAVE: I already have too many human heads to count, I just need a purple dinosaur with green spots head to make my collection complete.

PREDATOR 2: That makes good sense.

PREDATOR 1: Shall I arm weapon systems and shields sir?

CAPTAIN KLAVE: Yes, and prepare the boarding parties.

PREDATOR 2: Excellent, I don't have a Borg head in my collection yet.
 

(Meanwhile on the Borg Ship, a slew of nameless Ensigns have already been assimilated leaving Barney and Ensign Dan)
 

BORG 1: All but two have been assimilated.

BORG 2: Let's do big purple here first.

BARNEY: Wow! Those sure are scary costumes you have, I bet you guys win all of the dress up contests.

BORG 1: Lights out dunderhead! (and with that he knocks Barney out with a club.)
 

[and with that, Borg 2 assimilates Barney]
 

BORG 2: OK, all done, let's plug him into the collective.
 

[as soon as Barney is plugged into the collective, every Borg in the ship is jolted with a electrical discharge]
 

ALL BORG IN UNISON SING A BADLY DISTORTED TECHNO VERSION OF I LOVE YOU, YOU LOVE ME. AND ALL BORG FEEL CLOSER TOGETHER. and then Barneys consciousness is washed away into the collective.
 

BORG 1: We should have left him alone.

BORG 2: Yeah, assimilating him just destroyed ten years worth of information from the assimilation of other species.

BORG 1: Let's get this last guy done, I hear my recharging pod calling.

BORG 2: UH-OH!

BORG 1: UH-OH what?

BORG 2: This last one is pregnant.

BORG 1: That's impossible you dolt, it's a male.

BORG 2: He's really pregnant.

BORG 1: OK, then who is the father?

BORG 2: ????

BORG 1: See, it's impossible. Assimilate his ass.

BORG 2: Okaaaaaay.
 

(While Borg 2 assimilates Ensign Dan, Dan begins to lurch and scream.)
 

BORG 1: Why is he screaming, the process isn't painful.

BORG 2: He's gone into labor!!!

BORG 1: Will you stop with the he's pregnant bit, it's just imposi...
 

(Suddenly, Dan's chest explodes and out pops this little Alien which scampers off into the darkness before either of the two surprised Borg can react.)
 

BORG 1: ....ble
 

[Back on the bridge of the Enterprise]
 

WORF: Captain, the Predator ship is assuming attack posture!

PICARD: ON WHO?!!?

WORF: The Borg.

PICARD: *whew*

WORF: Captain, the Borg ship is charging disrupters!

PICARD: ON WHO?!!?

WORF: The Predator ship.

PICARD: *whew*

DATA: Should we make a fast get away sir?

RIKER: Let's help The Predator ship, then maybe they will become allies.

ALL CREW: SHUT UP FAT BOY!

WORF: The Predator ship is firing on the Borg sir.
 

[outside the ship, the Predator ship fires and does heavy damage to about 1/10 of the ship. Then the Borg Adapt.  The Borg return fire and disable the Predator ship.]
 

(then all activity outside the ships stops)
 

(Bridge of the Enterprise)
 

PICARD: What just happened Data?

DATA: It would appear that the two ships are having technical difficulties sir.

PICARD: Let's get out of here, Ensign Fred, any course warp 8.

ENSIGN FRED: Aye sir.
 

(and with that, Ensign Fred engages the engines and clips the Borg cube with the Left warp nacelle causing a total warp engine shutdown)
 

PICARD: What the Hell?

DATA: We just totaled out the left warp nacelle captain, were not going anywhere.

PICARD: WHAT, who let this moron at the helm anyway?

TROI: He's with the Special Ed In Space Program sir.
 

(a tilt, tilt, tilt, message flashes in Picards eyes as he stares at the ceiling)
 

PICARD: ALL SENIOR MEMBERS REPORT TO MY READY ROOM AT ONCE!!!
 

[READY ROOM]
 

PICARD: I want to know exactly what the hell is going on right know!!!

RIKER: We have lost 21 people to the Borg.

LA FORGE: We have maneuvering with thrusters only.

WORF: We have a bay full of unfired photon torpedoes and a full charge on the phaser banks.

CRUSHER: Ensign Amy went into labor at 0123 hours.

DATA: Well, Q said it was going to be a long week.
 

(everyone looks at DATA)
 

PICARD: What do you mean Q said???

DATA: Oh yeah, he told me to tell you.. (he stands up and imitates Q)
 

Q: Greetings Mo Capi tan..... Wait, Your not the captain, Where's Picard?

DATA: He is currently off duty, May I take a message? (horrible farting and squirting noises echoing in the distance)

Q: Just tell him that over the next few days, I will be testing you all, Think of it as a performance exam.

PICARD: It would have been nice to have known that about 24 hours ago.

DATA: Sorry sir, I forgot.

CRUSHER: Can we stop all of this arguing? I know that the Predator ship was damaged and there may be injured on board, I am going to take a medical team over there and try to help them, then maybe they will become our allies.

PICARD: Whatever.

RIKER: Take Wes and Worf to protect your ass.
 

[As the medical team assembles, Worf, Wes, and Beverly leave the ready room]
 

TROI: Shouldn't we hail the Predator ship to let them know that we are sending help?

PICARD: Nope, I feel that the element of surprise will give us an upper hand in the peace making process. Besides, if it goes sour, what have we lost; a whiny kid, his  malpracticing mother, and a trigger happy Klingon.

RIKER: Good plan sir.

TROI: *sarcastically* Next time send my "honey loaf" Riker, I'd love to see him in action.

RIKER: Ooooh baby.
 

[Meanwhile on the Predator ship, the wounded are dismantling all of the porcelain tiles, sinks, and commodes in their bathrooms in order to make the healing goo. The medical team beams into the currently closed trophy room.]
 

(Transporter whirl and disco inferno light effects)
 

WES: WOW, look at all of the skulls!!!

WORF: The trophy room of a great warrior.

CRUSHER: Oh really, she says pointing to a stamp collection in the corner.

WES: Hey, look at this pretty red button.

WORF: DON'T PU...

WES: *pushes button*

WORF: ...shit
 

[ The whole wall slides away revealing the bridge and about 23 fully armed Predators]
 

(a deafening silence falls on everyone)
 

[Almost 2 minutes later, the wizbuzz of Predator laser sights completely lights up the corner where the away team is standing]
 

CRUSHER: (to Worf) SIK'EM

WORF: (Jumping into the front of the away team with his Batleth in hand screams) SPOON.
 

(another deafening silence falls on everyone)
 

ZZZZZBUUP
 

(the laser sights switch off and the Predators Begin doing Paper, Scissors, Rock, to see who gets to kill Worf. It just so happens that Captain Klave wins.)
 

KLAVE: BWA HAR HAR HAR, I WEN AGIN!!! Peprare fur your deth Klang goon.

WORF: That's Klingon, and I should let you know that I am a Batleth champion on Planet Snodgrass.

KLAVE: (Spear in hand) Thatz whut thi lazt fiztean sayd rite bfour nye nald thir hedz tu thi waul.

WORF: Well, I won't be so cheesy... er easy.
 

(and with that they begin to brawl)
 

[Battle sequence]
 

Worf swings his Batleth which Klave blocks with his spear. Worf's Batleth hits a button on Klaves spear which shoots Ensign George with a restraint net. Klave then head-butts Worf which causes him to fall.
 

ALL PREDATORS CHANT IN BACKGROUND: Klave, Klave, heez r mann, ef e kan't du et, kno won kan!!!
 

Worf, while on the ground, swings at Klaves leg. The Batleth hits a button on Klaves leg that ejects his medical and skull cleaning kits onto the floor. Klave then stabs at Worf who rolls out of the way at the last second.

Klaves spear gets stuck in floor.

ALL OF THE AWAY TEAM CHANTS IN BACKGROUND: Worf, Worf, he's our dude, if he can't do it, we're all screwed!!!
 

Worf gets up and swings his Batleth at Klave who blocks it with  his left arm which hits Klaves self destruct armband and activates it. Both warriors stand back while Klave disarms his personal self destruct armband. Klave then retrieves his spear and charges at Worf. Klave trips on his medical and skull cleaning kits that he dropped earlier. Klave falls flat on his face. Worf decapitates Klave with a swift swing of his Batleth.
 

ALL PREDATORS AND AWAY TEAM: EEEEEW!!!
 

WORF: Who's next?
 

(All Predators point at each other)
 

[Suddenly, the away team disappears... All except for Worf.]
 

[One of the Predators comes toward Worf holding out a paper clip with a small piece of techno garb at one end.]
 

PREDATOR 1: Putt thiz onn yer culler.

WORF: What is it?

PREDATOR 1: It'z uh tranzelatur soe thi naratur kan stup mizpeling wordz.

WORF: Oh, OK.
 

(Worf puts the translator on his collar)
 

PREDATOR 1: (Speaking with perfect British accent) Isn't that much better old chap.

WORF: Where are my friends?

PREDATOR 1: Predator 3 teleported them back to your ship.

WORF: Why?

PREDATOR 1: Because we have a business proposition for you.

WORF: I am not interested.

PREDATOR 1: Well, it's actually mandatory. Our law states that any intelligent prey, Predator\Non-Predator, that kills a Predator in battle, or during the hunt, gains the rank, personal property, spouse, children, trophies, if any, servants of the slain Predator in question.

WORF: Well, what does that mean?

PREDATOR 1: You are now the captain of this ship and leader of all of the warriors on it, you have an extensive collection of hi-tech weaponry, a beautiful wife with seven sons and three daughters, an almost complete collection of skulls (lacking a Barney head and whoever else's head that could be the crown jewel of the collection), a rare stamp collection, and fifty servants.

WORF: I have died and gone to Disney Land.

PREDATOR 1: Tonight, we celebrate with a feast and stories of battle!!!
 

(And there was much rejoicing)
 

ALL: YAY!
 

[Meanwhile on the Borg ship.]
 

(The camera scrolls down a corridor with assorted Borg in their recharge pods. When I say assorted, I mean that it looks like the pickings for assimilation's have been rather slim lately. We scroll past Barneious of Borg, Coco the assimilated space monkey, various assimilated E-woks, Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa, ect. ect. ect. The main reason that we are here is to see that Ensign Dan's Alien baby has grown into a Queen. She has run the Borg out of one sector of their ship and is setting up a facehugger nursery. The strange thing is that when a facehugger "mates" with it's host, an Alien based on what the host was pops out. An example of this would be in ALIENS 3 when the facehugger got on a dog. An alien mutation occurred that enabled the alien to run on the ceiling. After while, we will get to see what happens when a facehugger "mates" with a Borg.)
 

[Back on the Enterprise]
 

(The away team appears in a green swirl of lights along with a number of sound effects. Worf is nowhere to be found.)
 

PICARD: Oh, you survi.. I mean your back.

RIKER: Where's Worf?
 

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note: Some scenes may not actually have Worf in them. And now back to our Regularly scheduled programming.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
 

(Riker Had Just Asked the Question)

RIKER: Where's Worf?

CRUSHER: You mean he's not here!?!?!?

RIKER: That's right.

WES: Maybe his transporter signal was diverted across the universe onto the surface of some star.

LA FORGE: Or maybe he is still on the Predator ship.

EVERYONE: Oooooooooooooooo, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

PICARD: Well done Mr. LaForge, you are now granted two hours leave to work on that holodeck program of yours.

LA FORGE: Call me if you need some of my incessant techno-babble.

WES: I thought that I was right. *pouting*
 

(everyone ignores Wes)
 

DATA: The Predator ship is hailing us Captain.

PICARD: Open a channel Ensign Butthead.

BUTTHEAD: Huh huh huh, Channel open Pick hard.

PICARD: (to himself) I miss my Worfikins.

TROI: (Sensing Picards last thought) Umm-Hmm.

WORF: I am captain Worf Mog of the Predator ship Pussyfoot, I

PICARD: Dispose of the Formalities, are you all right?

WORF: Yes. I want you to know that I am a captain now and I can fire all weapons whenever I want to.

PICARD: What is the status of your ship?
 

(Worf talking to Predator in engineering. Misc. four letter words being exchanged in the background.)
 

WORF: We have boarding parties and transporters only. (Shouting to Predator in engineering) What do you mean weapons, shields and engines off-line, I told you to get that fixed an hour ago!!! (inaudible insult from Predator in engineering) Don't  make be the first Predator captain to ever have a Predator skull in his collection.
 

(Everyone on the Enterprise Bridge snickers at him.)
 

WESLEY: I wonder what is going on in that Borg Ship?
 

(So do I, Let's go see)
 

[The Borg Ship]
 
 

(We see that the Borg ship has been completely over run by Aliens. The battle between Borg and Alien could go either way right now. The Borg that are in their recharging pods and are just sitting there letting themselves be impregnated, While the Aliens that they are giving birth to are being assimilated as soon as they pop out resulting in flying lawnmowers and other weird shit.)
 

[Back to the Enterprise]
 

PICARD: Worf, please beam over and meet with us in the ready room. We need to find out way to destroy the Borg and finish the story before the author looses interest.

WORF: Be there in a few. Worf out.

PICARD: Data, do a sensor sweep of the Borg Vessel and find out just what we are dealing with.

DATA: Sensor sweep indicates that there are 734 Borg, 289 Aliens, and 456 messed up Alien/Borg crossbreeds.

RIKER: What exactly is a messed up Alien/Borg crossbreed?

DATA: They appear to be flying lawnmowers and other weird shit sir.

RIKER: OK, just wondering.
 

(Later, in the Ready Room.)
 

PICARD: We have to find a way to blow up that Borg ship.

CRUSHER: I have been able to reverse Counselor Rhodes shelshock condition.

RHODES: I have some information about the Aliens that might be useful to you.

PICARD: Explain.

RHODES: Right before I went psycho and knocked myself out with a frozen chunk of fruitcake, I discovered that the Aliens have an irresistible craving for cigarette butts.

PICARD: Cigarette Butts?

DATA: A fad of the 1900's. The leftover part from a cigarette called the filter consisting of asbestos, and other cancer causing chemicals. People smoked them because...

ALL: Shut up Data!!!!

WORF: I must complete my collection of skulls by retrieving Barney's and hopefully find something that can become the crown jewel of my collection. Several members of  my ship want to go on a hunt and expand their collections as well.

WES: Worf, I can replicate a garbage bag full of cigarette butts for you if you think they  will come in handy.

WORF: Wes, I think that was the most helpful and un-irritating thing that you have ever said to me.

WES: Well, I...

WORF: Now be quiet and don't screw it up by saying something stupid.

PICARD: Worf, while your team is out drinking beers and hunting wild game, we will be formulating a plan on how to destroy the Borg ship.
 

(Wes leaves to replicate cigarette butts while Worf leaves to assemble his hunting buddies.)
 

DATA: Now that Wes is gone, I think I have a solution to our Borg Problem.

PICARD: Explain.

DATA: While watching Weapons at War on the History Channel last week, they were celebrating the 400th anniversary of the Atomic bomb. Now we all know that after a few shots from our ship, the Borg will adapt, right.

RIKER: I didn't know that.
 

(Everyone looks at Riker and shakes their head)
 

DATA: Anyway, when Wes mentioned replicating cigarette butts which are from the 1900's, I remembered that the Atom Bomb was also from the 1900'sand...

TROI: GET TO THE POINT!!!!

DATA: We replicate a 100,000,000 megaton atomic bomb and send it with Worfs hunting party.

PICARD: Fantastic! Boy, I'm sure glad that you thought of that before Wes did. Make it so.
 

[Later on the Bridge]
 

ENSIGN: Captain, The crew of the Pussyfoot are ready to go. They have the Bomb and the Cigarette butts.

PICARD: Excellent.

DATA: UH-OH!!

EVERYONE: WHAT DO YOU MEAN UH-OH???

DATA: The Borg Ship has raised their shields, Worf's team can't beam over.

EVERYONE: DOH!!!

WESLEY: I have an idea.

EVERYONE: DOH, DOH, DOH!!!!!!!!!

PICARD: *sighing* let's hear it.

WESLEY: We can use the Metaphysic Shielding* and fly partially through theirshields and let the team beam over from our ship.
 

(*) Metaphysic shielding from that one episode where the Enterprise used it to fly  through an asteroid and never used it again to my knowledge.
 

PICARD: *half heartedly* Make it so.
 

(Ten Minutes later The "Rare to be seen La Forge" has everything ready to go.)
 

PICARD: It's all set up, let's do it.
 

[external view of the ships]

(The Enterprise does it's thing slowly, for they only have thrusters thanks to Ensign Fred)

(Apparently this maneuver confused the Borg and they forgot that they had weapons.)
 

[Bridge of the Enterprise]
 

DATA: They are abroad sir.

PICARD: Excellent, hold this position until the Braidy Bunch wants to come home.
 

[Scene switch to the interior of the Borg ship.]
 

WORF: Lock-n-Load boy's.

PREDATOR 1: Ready sir.

PREDATOR 2: Ready.

PREDATOR 3: Good to go old chap.

PREDATOR ENSIGN: OK, let's get 'em.

WORF: Let's get what we came for and get the heck outta here.
 

(They spread out and go down the corridor in Delta formation, "what ever that is", they eventually come to what their tricorder call's "the center of the cube".)
 

WORF: This is where we need to set up the bomb.

PREDATOR 1: Working on it, cover me in case we get attacked.

PREDATOR 3: Got your back old chap.
 

(While they work on setting up the bomb, Predator 2 spot's Barney in a recharging pod.)
 

PREDATOR 2: Captain, there's your trophy.

WORF: Excelent, With him still in his pod, I can't miss.
 

(A faint buzz can be heard in the distance)
 

PREDATOR ENSIGN: Captain!!!

WORF: Not now Ensign.

PREDATOR 2: LOOK!!!
 

(as Worf spins around, he sees what appears to be a.... a..... a......  Flying Lawnmower?)
 

PREDATOR ENSIGN: (Tries to get a shot at it, but misses and seems to have irritated it.) CAPTAIN, HELP ME!!!!
 

[Too late, the flying lawnmower lands on the Ensign and makes him look like my vegetarian aunt's eggplant-spinach goulash.]
 

WORF: (Aiming his new found Predator shoulder laser)  I'll be dammed if I'll have a flying lawnmower for an Ensign, SUCK ON THIS!!!!
 

(The shot hit's the flying lawnmower in the carburetor.. er lung...er breathing apparatus? oh well, it's dead. Unfortunately, anything that is hooked into the Borg consciousness knows they are here.)
 

PREDATOR'S 1&3: The bomb is set, but it seems to be attracting Aliens. I guess that they think that it some sort of space heater or something, We have to keep them away from it or else they may screw it up or something!!!

WORF: I've Got it. Predator 2, tear open that ventilation shaft.

PREDATOR 2: Aye sir.
 

(As Predator 2 opens the shaft, Worf opens the bag of cigarette butts and dumps them in. The Butts are instantly blown off to another part of the ship)
 

PREDATOR 3: Good show old man, look the Aliens are leaving to find the Cigarette butts. (boy, that's corny)
 

(A noise is heard behind them, they whirl around to see that the Borg didn't like having their vent system torn open.)
 

BARNEIOUS OF BORG: Hey kid's, (starts to sing) I assimilate you, you assimilate me we'll be a big assimilated family.

WORF: I hate mushy children's programs. (And with that, Worf rips Barney's head off with his bare hands.)
 

(The other Borg start to grin as Barney has been separated from the collective. Worf  picks up Barney's head and the dead flying lawnmower and the four beam out.)
 

[Back on the enterprise]
 

WORF: Worf to Bridge.

PICARD: Picard here.

WORF: Tractor my ship and let's get the heck out of here before that Borg Cube explodes!!!
 

[Bridge]
 

PICARD: GET US OUT OF HERE MR. DATA!!!

DATA: Ship tractored, blasting off.
 

[External view of the ship]

( The Enterprise with the Predator ship in tow engages full thrusters and slowly begin to head off at warp .000000000000000000000000000000000001.The Borg ship shakes, rattles, rolls, and the bottom front right corner explodes in a mushroom cloud leaving 80% of the ship intact.)
 

WORF: That damned Tricorder told me that we were in the center of the ship.
 

(everyone starts to cry)
 

DATA: Sir, the Borg ship.

PICARD: On screen.

DATA: It would appear that the ships geo-thermal heating system is about to feed back  on itself.

PICARD: Explain.

DATA: Something's plugged up their air conditioner.

WORF: THE CIGARETTE BUTTS!!!
 

[External view]

(The Borg ship shimmys, shakes, cut's a big juicy fart, then explodes.)
 

[Bridge]
 

(And there was much rejoicing)
 

ALL CREW: YAY!!
 

[Later on the Pussyfoot, Worf has just finished cleaning Barney's skull and tuffing the Flying lawnmower and adding them to his collection.]
 

WORF: At last, my collection is complete.

PREDATOR 1: Did you say finished?

WORF: Yes.

PREDATOR 1: Well, it has been a blast having you for a captain.

WORF: You make it sound like I have to go.

PREDATOR 1: You do.

WORF: What do you mean?

PREDATOR 1: Predator law Chapter 6, Paragraph 5, subheading 4. When the captain of any Predator ship has finished his skull collection, that Captain must relinquish control of the ship to the first officer. Anything he has inherited with the exception of personal weapons and trophy's must be turned over to the new commanding officer.

WORF: Why do you have such a unfair law. I mean, I was just starting to like it here.

PREDATOR 1: We have this law because it gives each crew member the chance to be a leader in the great hunt.
 

[The Bridge of the Enterprise]
 

PICARD: *whew* I'm glad that's over.
 

(Suddenly, there's a Flash of light which leaves Q standing on the Bridge.)
 

Q: Greetings Mo Capitan, It would appear that you passed the exam.... barely.

PICARD: go away.

Q: Oh, but I can't leave without giving you a nice parting gift.

PICARD: go away, i'm not in the mood.

Q: Very well, here it is, and I'll be off.
 

(Q snaps his fingers and the left warp nacelle is instantly rebuilt, also the major systems of the Pussyfoot come back on line.)
 

WORF: Permission to come aboard captain.

TROI: Why Worf, I thought you were on the Pussyfoot.

WORF: I was until someone conveniently forgot to tell me what happens when you finish your skull collection.

TROI: What???

WORF: It's a long story.

PICARD: Take your post Mr. Worf.

WORF: Thank you sir.

PICARD: Well, it looks like we have done all of the damage we can do around this popsickle stand. Ensign, lay in a course for the nearest starbase, warp 5. Engage.

ENSIGN FRED: Aye sir.
 

The End