Startrek
: The Next Generation
Full
Contact
NOTE: Pleasure will be enhanced greatly
if at first you watch the movie STAR TREK: FIRST CONTACT before reading
this parody. Failure to do so will minimize the joy of reading both
the parody and watching the movie since spoilers do follow. Oh, and
I am writing this story largely from memory, so if any inconsistencies
show up, hey! I'm only human! Thank you and remember:
Resistance is Futile!
STAR TREK: FULL CONTACT
a parody by Jason Gaston
[In Picard's quarters onboard the new Enterprise-E,
Picard is awakened by his communicator]
Communicator: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
Picard: ZZZZZZZ*** Ungh, I don't
wanna go to school today... ZZZZZ SNORT! What!?
Geez, don't these people know what time it is?
[Picard activates his terminal and is greeted
by an admiral]
Admiral: Is you're refrigerator running
Jean-Luc?
Picard: What?
Admiral: I'm joking. Did I catch you
at a bad time?
Picard: Well, actually I...
Admiral: Good. Listen babe, Our outpost
on Narendra Prime was destroyed.
Picard: Destroyed?
Admiral: Wiped out, obliterated, they're
outta there. I wish to offer my condolences to your crew.
Picard: Why?
Admiral: Didn't you know? Wesley Crusher
lives... well, lived there.
Picard: Who?
Admiral: Wesley Crusher. He was an
ensign on the Enterprise for four seasons.
Picard: Doesn't ring a bell.
Admiral: The BOY Jean-Luc! The BOY!!!
Picard: Oh, the boy. Right.
So, what's the bad news admiral?
Admiral: We have reason to believe that
the attacking force is...
Picard: Yes, I know. The Borg!
Admiral: How'd you know that?
Picard: There's one behind you.
Admiral: Wha...!? AHHH!!!
[The Admiral is assimilated as Picard watches]
[Out in deep-space, the Enterprise-E is cruising
along]
Picard: Captain's log, movie #2: The
moment I have feared for six years has finally happened. The Borg
have remembered where the Earth is and have begun an invasion.
[In the Observation Lounge, Picard hold a meeting
of the Senior staff. Bev now sports blonde unmanageable hair and
Geordi now has a pair of Bionic eyes. A far cry better than the VISOR,
the only drawback is that children are afraid of him now]
Riker: How many ships? A hundred?
A Thousand?
Picard: One.
Riker: Not much of an invasion is it?
Picard: They are on a direct course for
Earth, kicking ass and taking names.
Data: At maximum warp we can be there in
a few scenes.
Riker: I mean, since when does one ship
constitute an invasion?
Picard: We're not going.
Troi: What!? You mean for once that
the Enterprise is not the only ship in range?
Riker: I thought this movie was supposed
to have a bigger budget, the least they could've done was given us ten
invading ships!
Picard: Starfleet wants us to patrol the
Neutral zone and keep an eye on the Romulans.
Troi: The Romulans!?
Riker: Maybe the invading ship is like the
Death Star.
LaForge: The Enterprise-E is the most sophisticated
ship in the fleet. We should be on the front lines!
Crusher: Geordi, what happened to your eyes?
LaForge: What happened to your hair?
Riker: Maybe it has a death ray...
now that'd be cool!
Picard: Everyone, please! Starfleet's
orders stand. Mr. Data, set a course for the neutral zone.
Data: Aye sir.
[Everyone leaves leaving Riker alone in the dark]
Riker: I wonder if it's the ship from "The
Best of Both Worlds" or "Decent".
[Later in Picard's Quarters]
Music: [deafening] BOOM!!! Shaka-laka
shaka-laka shaka-laka shaka-BOOM...
Riker: Sir why are we chasing comets?
Picard: What?
Riker: I said, why are we chasing comets!?
Picard: WHAT?
Riker: WHY ARE WE CHASING COMETS!!!???
Picard: If you're going to vomit, go to
the bathroom!
Riker: CAPTAIN, COULD YOU TURN DOWN
THE MUSIC!!!???
Picard: [turns off music] Now, what about
vomit?
Riker: Why are we out here chasing comets
when we should be kicking some Borg butt back on Earth?
Picard: Starfleet thinks that I can't be
trusted since I was assimilated by the Borg all those years ago.
I might be "an unstable element".
Riker: [a pause] Oh... Just
asking.
Troi: [over intercom] -- Troi to captain
Picard. We've just received word from Earth. They've engaged
the Borg. --
Riker: Isn't that sweet? I wonder
when the wedding will be.
Picard: Oh, shut up.
[On the bridge the situation is tense as Picard
and Riker enters]
Picard: Mr. Data, put Starfleet channel
B on speakers.
Data: Sorry sir, the battle is exclusively
on Pay-Per-View.
Picard: Damn you Don King! Very well,
turn on Pay-Per-View.
Voices: [overlapping] -- We're hit!
Alpha group, engage! Lock S-Foils in attack positions! Large
pepperoni hold the anchovies! Can someone give me a jump? Hull
breach! --
Borg: [drowning out all other voices]
-- WE INTERRUPT THIS BATTLE WITH A BULLETIN FROM THE EBS (EMERGENCY BORG-CASTING
SYSTEM). WE ARE THE BORG. WE WILL ADD YOUR TECHNOLOGICAL AND
BIOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO OUR OWN. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. WE NOW
RETURN YOU TO STAR TREK: FULL CONTACT, ALREADY IN PROGRESS. --
Voices: -- Who was that? Hey watch
where you're going! Fire! Hull Breach! We're gonna blow!!!
Well... maybe not. Lucky us! Auuuuuugh! Do you
have prince Albert in a can? We're all going to die!!! Did
the captain of the Lexington just flip us off? Hull breach!
Hull br--
Picard: [turns off speakers] Mr.
Eagle...
Hawke: Hawke sir.
Picard: Whatever. Set a course to
Earth, maximum warp! I'm about to disobey orders. If any of
you have a problem with it, you can speak now. It will be filed and
ignored.
[No one speaks]
Picard: Alllllllllllll rightly then!
Engage!
[The Enterprise-E jumps to Warp. Later,
the massive Borg Cube closes in on Earth, wiping out starship after starship.
The tiny ship USS Defiant runs straight at the cube shooting every weapon
it's got. The cube shoots back, chewing away at the Defiant.
On board, Lt. Commander Worf is having the time of his life.]
Worf: [smiling] REPORT!!!
Helmsman: We are all going to die.
Worf: Bitchin'! Prepare for ramming
speed!!!
Helmsman: Wait! The Enterprise has
just showed up!
Worf: Aw man! I don't get to die anymore!
Picard: Beam the Defiant survivors aboard.
Riker: Sir, the Admiral's ship has been
destroyed.
Picard: Good, I never did like that old
windbag. Open a channel to the fleet.
Data: Channel open.
Picard: To all ships: This is Captain
Jean-Luc Picard of the starship Enterprise. I'm taking command of
the fleet.
Voices: [overlapping] -- What?
Whose this guy? Who does he think he is? What a jack-off!
Is he going to try to reason with them? I really hate that. --
Picard: Target all weapons on that round
thing on the bottom of the cube.
Riker: The fleet's responding. They're
waiting for your signal.
Picard: Fire.
[All the ships fire and the cube goes boom.
Unbeknownst to the Enterprise crew but knownst to us, a smaller spherical
ship is launched from the disintegrating cube and screams toward Earth]
Riker: uhhhh... guys?
Data: How did you do that?
Picard: Simple Mr Data, that's where
the Borg stash all of they're illegal fireworks.
Riker: Excuse me.
Troi: How'd you know that?
Picard: I can hear them.
Riker; Excuse me!
Troi: Now captain, you remember what we
said about the voices.
Picard: Not that you twit! I can hear
the Borg as though we are still connected.
Troi: Oh.
Riker: EXCUSE ME!!!
Troi and Picard: WHAT!?
Riker: Don't you think we should be chasing
after that Borg Sphere?
Picard: Mon Duire! Where'd THAT come
from?
[The Enterprise starts chasing the sphere which
has a large lead. Meanwhile, Crusher brings a mangled and bloody
Worf to the bridge.]
Crusher: Captain, this man claims to know
you.
Picard: Have we met before commander?
Worf: It's me! Worf!
Picard: Worf who?
Worf: Worf Worf!
Picard: Oh yeah! Welcome aboard the
Enterprise-E Mr. Worf!
Worf: The Defiant?
Picard: No, this is the Enterprise Worf.
Worf: I MEAN, how is the Defiant.
Picard: She's still in one piece.
Some guy named Crisco or something is flying it back to that space station
of yours.
Worf: Oh.
Hawke: Captain!
Picard: What is it, Mr. Vulture?
Hawke: Hawke!!!
Picard: Whatever.
Hawke: Something weird is happening to the
sphere. It's emitting cronome... crom...
c... cron... crono...
Data: Cronometric particles.
Hawke: What he said.
Picard: What's the Sphere's speed?
Data: Approaching 88 miles per hour.
[The Borg Sphere vanishes in a bright light leaving
a pair of fire trails behind. The Enterprise is hit by a special
effect. The crew is shaken.]
Picard: What the hell was that?
Hawke: We're caught in the wake of those
particle thingies!
Worf: Captain! Earth!
Picard: Yes, I know.
Worf: No, look at it!
[Earth looks like something out of the final levels
on Sonic the Hedgehog. The surface is completely covered with machinery
and the ocean is drained]
Data: I'm detecting over nine bazillion
lifeforms. All Borg!
Troi: How?
Riker: Kemosabe!
Troi: No, how did it happen!?
Picard: They went back in time and assimilated
earth. Changed history!
Crusher: If they've changed history, why
are we still here?
Riker: If we disappeared, It would be a
short movie.
Picard: Hold you're course, Mr. Finch!
Hawke: HAWKE!!!
Picard: I must follow them back...
repair whatever damage they've done!
Hawke: It's a predatory bird!
[The Enterprise vanishes, leaving a pair of fire
trails behind. Meanwhile, in the past Zephram Cochrane and his assistant,
Lilly, are stumbling out of a bar.]
Cochrane: Bye Sam, bye Woody, bye Norm...
(hic)
Lilly: You've got to slow down Zef.
You can't blast off tomorrow drunk. Friends don't let friend drive drunk
you know... Zef, what's that in the sky?
Cochrane: Those are fireflies... Fireflies
that got stuck up in that big bluish black thing.
Lilly: No, THAT!
[The thing starts shooting destroying everything
in Zefram's little city. Meanwhile, the Enterprise emerges from the rift.]
Picard: Report!
Hawke: Shields, Long range sensors, and
the espresso machine are down.
Worf: Captain!
[The Borg ship is shooting at Earth]
Picard: Mr. Worf, fire the photon
torpedoes!
Worf: We don't have photon torpedoes.
We have Quantum torpedoes.
Picard: Quantum torpedoes? What's
the difference?
Worf: Quantum torpedoes work.
Picard: I see. Well, shoot them.
[The Sphere goes boom]
Riker: I knew it! The Death Star!
Picard: Data, when are we?
Data: April 4th, 2063!
Riker: The day before Earth's first contact
with an alien species!
Crusher: Then the borg must have been shooting
at the missile silo where Neil Armstrong is building his warp ship!
Picard: Bev, how's your history?
Crusher: Not good.
Picard: It shows. Let's beam down
and look at the damage.
[In engineering]
LaForge: Porter, check on the temperature
in here. It's getting awfully hot.
Porter: Aye sir.
[In Cochrane's Missile Silo, Picard and Data examine
the warp ship, SS Minnow]
Picard: Is it damaged Data?
Data: A little bit, but it should be no
problem to fix it.
[Lilly, obviously deranged with fear, starts shooting
at them with a machine gun]
Picard: Yah! Hey, you crazy bitch!
We're here to help you!
Lilly: Bullshit!!! [Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!!!]
Data: Leave this to me Captain.
[Data jumps down to the bottom level. Grabs
Lilly's gun and slams her into a wall]
Data: Captain, This woman requires medical
attention!
[Back on the Enterprise]
Porter: I can't figure out why it's so dad-blasted
hot on this ship.
Woman: Did you check the thermostat?
Porter: Do you honestly think I would check
hundreds of subsystems without checking the thermostat? [a pause]
I'll be right back.
[Porter ducks into a jeffries tube and screams]
Woman: Paul? Paul? Are you ok?
Audience: Call for security!!! Call
for backup!!! Don't go in there!!!
[Woman enters jefferies tube and screams.
Meanwhile, down on Earth, Picard gets a funny feeling]
Picard: You know, Data, I just got a funny
feeling. Picard to Enterprise!
Worf: -- Worf here --
Picard: Is everything all right up there?
Worf: Engineering just got hotter than hell
and we have two missing crew members, but other than that, everything's
peachy.
Picard: Mr. Data and I are returning
to the ship.
Worf: -- So? What do you want me to
do? Roll out the red carpet? --
[Back on the Enterprise in sickbay Dr. Crusher
is tending to Lilly]
Crusher: There, she's all better now.
Ogawa: Good job doctor.
Crusher: Any idea as to why it's so hot
in here?
[Something starts banging on the door]
Crusher: I hear you knocking but you can't
come in!
Ogawa: Good thing we always keep the sickbay
doors locked.
Crusher: Yes... a conveniently good
thing.
[Meanwhile, on the bridge]
Picard: Report!
Worf: We just lost all contact with deck
16. I just sent a few security teams there to...
Picard: No! Seal off deck sixteen
and post guards on all entryways!
Worf: Ok, I'll call the guards back then.
Hmmm.... no response. Oh well!
Picard: Mr. Parrot, what was the exact atmospheric
readings in engineering before we lost sensors?
Hawke: Hawke sir. Let's see.
Humidity 95%, fair skies and 80 degrees. Tomorrow's forecast calls for...
Picard: Thank you and shut up.
Data: Captain, what is wrong?
Picard: It's the Borg! They must have
beamed over to the Enterprise before we blew them up!
[The Lights go out and that "Wrrrrrrrrrrr" sound
happens]
Hawke: Control is being re-routed to engineering!
Navigation! Life Support! Airbags! Everything!
Picard: Data! Lock out the main computer!
[Data messes with a control panel]
Data: I have installed Windows '95 onto
the main computer. It is highly unlikey they will figure out
how to use it without the instructions which are stored in my neural net.
Picard: First the Borg will assimilate the
Enterprise and then... Earth. This is just what I needed.
[In sickbay, Beverly is slapping and shaking Lilly]
Crusher: Hey you! Wake up!
Lilly: W-Where am I!?!?!?
Crusher: It's ok. Listen, I don't
want you to panic or anything, but there are about fifty evil bionic zombies
trying to break down that door and get in here to kill us or worse.
Now, come on!
Lilly: Uh... ok.
Crusher: Nurse Ogawa! Is the EMH on-line?
Ogawa: The what?
Crusher: Nevermind. Stay behind and
make a distraction.
Ogawa: WHAT!?
Crusher: That's an order!!!
[Ogawa stays behind as the others escape.
Finally, the Borg breakdown the door]
Ogawa: Umm.... hi. You probably think
that I'm a person. But I'm not. I'm a holographic doctor! Yeah!
That's the ticket!
[The Borg push Ogawa out of the way and try to
bust into Crusher's escape route]
Ogawa: Hmph! And I thought getting
ignored on the show was bad enough.
[The Borg continued to ignore Ogawa, so she leaves.
On Earth, Riker strolls into a bar and finds Troi and Cochrane]
Cochrane: Who's this jerk?
Riker: My name's Will Riker.
Cochrane: And my names Flip. As in,
I don't give a...
Troi: [Barfs on Riker's shoes]
Riker: Deanna, you're drunk.
Troi: I am not! Listen, Will, we're
going to have to tell him the truth! I've already told us our cover
story about being a group of teens who travel around the country in a green
van solving mysteries with our great dane...
Riker: And...!?
Troi: He didn't believe me.
Riker: Ok, let's tell him the truth.
[Back on the Enterprise, Picard has enlisted the
help on the Colonial Space Marines from the movie, ALIENS]
Vasquez: I only need to know one thing,
man, where they are!
Hicks: You're just to bad Vasquez.
Hudson: Yeah, but when they said aliens,
she thought they said illegal aliens signed up!
Vasquez: Fuck you man.
Hudson: Anytime anywhere.
Picard: Mr. Worf, are you sure these
guys can handle the Borg? They seem a little...
Drake: [BELCH]
Picard: ...Crass.
Worf: Captain, these are tough hombres.
Picard: I'm sure they are. Listen,
Our primary goal, once we get to engineering should be to break the plasma
cooling tanks.
Data: An excellent idea sir. Plasma
will liquefy organic material instantly.
Vasquez: What did he say man?
Picard: It will make the Borg melt.
Marines: Cool! Bitchin! All
right!
Picard: All right, let's go!
Apone: Are you ready?
Marines: YEAH!!!
Apone: Are you pumped?
Marines: YEAH!!!
Apone: What are ya!!!???
Marine: REALLY MEAN MARINES!!!
Apone: Ahhhhhhh.... Absolutely Badasses!
Let's move 'em out!
Worf: Captain, can I keep them?
Picard: If you keep them off the furniture,
I'll think about it.
[Back on Earth]
Cochrane: Let me see if I got this straight.
You guys are telling me that there is a group of intergalactic space zombies
on your spaceship, which is from the future, here to enslave Earth?
Riker: Yeah.
Cochrane: Sounds like V.
Troi: Actually, it was lizard men from outer
space in V.
Cochrane: I thought that was WAR OF THE
WORLDS?
Troi: No, no, no... We never actually
saw those aliens.
Riker: Excuse me, but I think we're getting
a little off the subject here. Perhaps if you look through this telescope
Geordi has aligned.
[Cochrane pushes Geordi out of the way]
LaForge: Wait a minute! I haven't
actually...
Cochrane: Hot damn! That's the prettiest
looking spaceship I've ever seen!
Riker: Let me see that! Geordi!
This telescope is pointed at a women's dorm! I know you're a lonely
guy, but come on! This is serious!
LaForge: [realigns telescope] All
right. I'm sorry.
Riker: There, now look.
Cochrane: [looks] It's a trick!
How'd you do that?
Troi: It's no trick! That's our ship,
the Enterprise, and If you don't make your warp flight tomorrow, the future
is done for!
Cochrane: Why?
Riker: Because at 10:00am, an alien ship
will pass through is sector and detect your warp signature. Then
they will land their spaceship and make first contact with Earth right
here. After that, everything changes. Mankind become nicer
and more prolific. We spread like a plague throughout the galaxy,
imposing our own morals on other races. It's glorious!!!
Troi: So what do you say doc?
Cochrane: Why not? It not like I had
anything planed tomorrow.
[In the bowels of the Enterprise, Picard, Data,
Worf, and the Colonial Space Marines slink trough the corridors on their
mission to destroy the Borg]
Drake: What's That!?
[Drake mindlessly shoots his gun-o-death at the
wall. A nurse falls out dead.]
Crusher: Stop firing you idiots! It's
us!
Picard: The sickbay staff! Gomez,
escort these people off this deck!
Crusher: Captain, that Lilly person we beamed
up with. We got separated and...
Ogawa: [Entering from another tube]
That's not what happened.
Crusher: Shut up Allyssa.
Ogawa: Dr. Crusher made her stay behind
as a diversion.
Crusher: You lie!
[Crusher and Ogawa get into a catfight.
Picard eventually breaks them up]
Picard: Bev, we'll keep an eye out for your
patient. Now leave, you're upsetting the marines.
[Crusher and the sickbay staff are ushered of
the deck]
[Later...]
Picard: Whoa!
[Two Borg walk toward the Marines]
Picard: Hold your fire! They won't
attack us until they see us as a threat.
Vasquez: Until they see us as a threat!?
We're a bunch of marines with really big guns, and they don't see us as
a treat!?
[The Borg walk right past the Space Marines who
seem genuinely pissed. After passing through a gauntlet of uninterested
Borg, the team reaches the door to engineering]
Picard: Damn! It's locked. Who's
idea was it to put a lock on Engineering!?
Data: Yours.
Picard: And a damn good idea it was at the
time.
Data: Perhaps I can force the doors open.
Picard: No wait! I've got it!
Data, force the doors open.
[Data's android arms begins prying the doors to
engineering open. As this is going on, Worf is staring at a borg
who is asleep in his little compartment in the wall. Suddenly, he
blows it away with his phaser-bazooka.]
Picard: Worf! Why did you do that!?
They weren't going to attack us until they see us as a threat!
Worf: I did not like the way he was looking
at me.
Vasquez: Let's rock!!!
[The space marines begin blasting away at the
oncoming Borg.]
Picard: This is insane! Regroup on
deck 15!
Worf: What about the Marines?
Picard: They seem perfectly happy here.
Let's not disturb them.
[Picard, Data, and Worf begin retreating]
Picard: Now listen Worf, I think that...
Data: Captain!!!
Picard: Don't interrupt me Data! Now
as I was saying...
Worf: Captain! The Borg have Data!
Picard: Huh?
[Picard swings his head around just in time to
see Data, being dragged by fifty Borg, disappear through a door.]
Picard: Data!!! [a pause] Oh
well.
[Picard and Worf run away while the Borg easily
assimilate the Space Marines. Picard and Worf duck into a Jeffries
tube. As Picard climbs through the tube he... what!?
What are you doing in here? Hey! Stop! AHHHHHHHH!!!!]
[Please stand by]
[ATTENTION PLEASE. WE ARE BORG. WE
HAVE ASSIMILATED YOUR NARRATOR TO ADD HIS BIOLOGICAL DISTINCTIVENESS TO
OUR OWN AND BECAUSE HE ISN'T A VERY GOOD NARRATOR. WE DO NOT SEE
ANY NEED TO CONTINUE THIS PARODY, HOWEVER, WE ARE NOT TOTALLY HEARTLESS.
WE WILL CONTINUE WITH STAR TREK: FULL CONTACT WITH THE BORG AS THE NARRATOR.
AS WE REJOIN THE STORY A WONDERFUL TURN OF EVENTS HAS TAKEN PLACE. COCHRANE'S
ASSISTANT, LILLY, HAS TAKEN CAPTAIN PICARD HOSTAGE AND IS ABOUT TO KILL
HIM. LET'S WATCH.]
Lilly: Who are you!?
Picard: By name is Jean-Luc Picard and...
Lilly: Who are you with!? The Eastern
Coalition?
Picard: Paramount.
Lilly: Get me out of here!
Picard: That may not be easy.
Lilly: Yeah, and you MAY NOT be alive in
the near future.
Picard: All right... follow me.
Lilly: Slow!
Picard: I would prefer fast under the circumstances.
[MEANWHILE, DOWN ON THE UGLY GREEN PLANET EARTH,
THE INFERIOR CREW OF THE USS ENTERPRISE N-C-C-1-7-0-1-E IS TALKING TO ZEFRAM
COCHRANE]
Barcaly: Dr. Cochrane...
Cochrane: What now?
Barcaly: Could you please say, "that'll
do pig?"
Cochrane: "That'll do pig!?"
Barcaly: Oh thank you! Thank you!
LaForge: Reg?
Barcaly: Yes?
LaForge: Go away.
Barcaly: Ok.
Cochrane: Do they have to keep doing that?
LaForge: It's just a little hero worship
doc. [a pause] Man, I wish I had a picture of this.
Cochrane: Of what?
LaForge: You are standing almost on the
spot where your crypt will be in the future.
Cochrane: Crypt!?
LaForge: Yeah, well, you see... twenty
years after your warp flight, you die very slowly of radiation poisoning
and what's left of your body is buried here. After another ten years,
grave robbers come by and steal your head and sell it on the black market,
where it's grounded into a fine powder and drank by Voodoo witch doctors
who think that... Doctor Cochrane? Now where do you suppose
he ran off to?
[BACK ON THE HUMAN'S SHIP ENTERPRISE]
Picard: Look, Lilly, I know that this is
going to sound weird but you are on a spaceship.
Lilly: Shut up and get me out of here!
Picard: Ok, fine! You want a way out,
here it is! [Picard rolls down a window to reveal Earth spinning below]
Lilly: What!? What is this!?
Picard: Australia, New Guinea, Roseanne...
I know this is hard for you to understand but you have to trust me.
Lilly: Ok. [Lilly give Picard the
phaser]
Picard: Thank you. Hey! This
thing was on setting one.
Lilly: So?
Picard: If you would have shot me, it would
have tickled.
Lilly: It's my first ray gun.
[MEANWHILE, IN THE ENTERPRISE'S ENGINE ROOM, DATA
MEETS THE STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL BORG QUEEN. SURE SHE'S ONLY A HEAD
AND SHOULDERS AND SHE'S SLIMY AND EVIL AND...
Queen: Get on with it!
...OH RIGHT... ANYWAY, DATA MEETS THE BORG
QUEEN.]
Data: Who are you?
Queen: Weren't you listening to the narrator?
I am the Borg Queen.
Data: You're the queen of the Borg?
Queen: Yes.
Data: Pull the other one!
Queen: I'm serious! [The borg Queen's
head lowers from the ceiling and attaches to her body] I bring order
to chaos. I seek perfection.
Data: [snickering]
Queen: What's so funny?
Data: Nothing... Bah! Ha! Ha!
Ha!
Queen: What!? What is it?
Data: Your head's on... Backwards!
Ha Ha Ha!!!
Queen: What!? Oh for goodness sakes!
Why didn't someone tell me my ass was so big!
Mel Brooks: You can do that!
Queen: Huh? Who are you?
Mel Brooks: I am Mel Brooks and I featured
the "head on backwards" joke in my movie "Spaceballs"! You can't
just steal jokes like that! Prepare to hear from my lawyer.
Queen: But Mel, the Borg do not steal jokes,
we assimilate them. By assimilating your joke, we have brought it
closer to perfection.
Mel Brooks: Forgive me, but the Borg couldn't
write a joke if their life depended on it! I, on the other hand,
am a master comedian!
Queen: Good point. Take him away!
[SEVERAL BORG BEGIN ASSIMILATING MEL BROOKS]
Data: Uh... can I go now?
Queen: No. Do you know what this is
Data?
Data: My arm.
Queen: What is on your arm?
Data: My uniform sleeve.
Queen: [miffed] Below that Data.
Data: It appears you are grafting organic
skin onto me!
Queen: What a cold description for such
a wonderful gift.
Data: Gift, my fanny! All you want
from me is the instructions to Windows '95 so you can break into the main
computer!
Queen: Yeah, it's an even trade! Cool
huh?
Data: I guess.
Queen: [Blows on Data's arm]
Data: Ohhhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
Queen: That's what I like to call "a borgasm"
Data: Whoah Mama! That felt
good.
[MEANWHILE, PICARD AND LILLY SNEAK THROUGH THE
ENTERPRISE CORRIDORS TRYING TO GET TO THE BRIDGE. WHAT'S THE POINT?
DON'T THEY KNOW THAT RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!?]
Lilly: This ship is huge! How much
did it cost to build?
Picard: The economy of the future are somewhat
different. You see, In
my century, money
doesn't exist.
Lilly: That much, huh?
Picard: No, no... you see, in the
future we seek to better ourselves.
Lilly: Then why haven't they cured baldness
yet?
Picard: [offended] Listen, I'm trying to
get you out of here, but if you don't shut up I'm gonna....
Lilly: Whaaaaaaa!
Picard: Yes, scream. Exactly.
Lilly: No you idiot! Look over there!
[PICARD TURNS AND SEES THE MANY BORG REDECORATING
THE ENTERPRISE INTO A GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL SHIP. MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN
THOSE BRIGHTLY LIT HALLS THEY USED TO HAVE. IDIOTICALLY, CAPTAIN
PICARD FIRES A PHASER AT TO OF THE WORKERS. THE WORKERS GO AFTER
THEM, CHASING THEM INTO A HOLODECK THAT IS RUNNING THAT DICKBOY HILL PROGRAM
THE CAPTAIN SEEMS TO BE SO FOND OF.]
Lilly: What are you doing?
Picard: We can dance with each other and
blend in with the characters in the holodeck. The Borg will never
be able to find us!
[THE BORG CUT POWER TO THE HOLODECK AND THE HOLO-CHARACTERS
DISAPPEAR LEAVING PICARD AND LILLY DANCING ALONE IN THE EMPTY ROOM]
Picard: Shit!
Lilly: What do we do now!?
Picard: Nothing. Not unless you still
have that...
Lilly: [whips out machine gun and mows down the
Borg]
Picard: ...machine gun of yours.
Lilly: Never leave home without it.
Picard: [ripping the Borg's guts out]
Lilly: Jeez Jean-Luc! If you're hungry
there's got to be a vending machine somewhere around here!
Picard: I'm not hungry you twit! I'm
looking for the Borg's Neural Processor! Ah here it is. That's
funny. The tricorder isn't reading any data.
Lilly: That's because you've got his liver.
What is a neurotic processor anyway?
Picard: It's a chip that every Borg has.
It tells them what to do. I think I've found it.
Chip: Get up! Get up! Kick their
asses!
Picard: Yep. This is it. By
reading this, I'll be able to find out what devious plot the Borg are conjuring.
[reads tricorder] I've got to get to the bridge.
[PICARD AND LILLY RUN AWAY LEAVING THE TWO BRAVE
FALLEN BORG WHERE THEY MURDERED THEM. IT IS A TIME OF GREAT SADNESS.
MEANWHILE, ON THE BRIDGE, THE UGLY KLINGON IS... {ZAP!!! Sizzle}
Worf: Report!
Redshirt: The Borg were advancing on us
fast sir. Then, when they got to deck 10. They just stopped!
Worf: How is the fighting going?
Redshirt: Not to good sir, the only headway
we've made is that we killed that Borg that took over as narrator!
Worf: Thank god for that. Ok, report
to your post Ensign Redshirt.
Redshirt: Uhh... [gulp] Ok.
Worf: The Borg have assimilated over half
of this ship and now they stop. Why? What is on deck ten?
Hawke: Hydroponics, Deflector Control, The
Food Court... No essential systems!
Worf: They would not stop unless it gave
them a tactical advantage.
Noise: [knock knock]
Hawke: Who's there?
Worf: What?
Hawke: You said "knock knock"
Worf: I did no such thing!
Noise: [knock knock]
Crusher: It's coming from the floor!
Worf: Who's down there!?
Picard: It's me!
Worf: Me who?
Picard: Captain Picard!
Hawke: He could have been assimilated sir.
Worf: Point taken. Captain...
Picard: What?
Worf: We can't let you up here without the
secret password.
Picard: Secret what?
Worf: WHAT IS THE SECRET PASSWORD!?!?!?!?
Picard: Demotion.
Worf: It's him. He may enter.
Picard: [entering] I think I found
something you lost Bev.
Lilly: [giving Bev the evil eye] I'll
deal with you later.
Crusher: Oooo, I'm scared!
Picard: Report.
Worf: The Borg have take the ship up to deck ten
and the story's narrator is dead.
Picard: We have a bigger problem.
The Borg are turning the main deflector dish into an interplexing beacon.
Hawke: Interplexing?
Picard: That's right, Mr. Mayna.
Hawke: Hawke.
Picard: Whatever. When the Borg have
completed the beacon, they'll be able to send for reinforcements of Borg
from the Delta Quadrant.
Worf: The Delta Quadrant? Isn't that
where the USS Voyager is currently located?
Picard: Why yes Worf it is, and now
with the revelation that the Borg originate in the Delta Quadrant, The
Voyager will be up to it's neck in hard-core action. That's STAR
TREK: VOYAGER every Wednesday night at 8:00 on UPN.
Hawke: What do we do?
Picard: Set our VCRs.
Hawke: I MEAN about the interplastic bacon.
Picard: You, Worf, and I will put on our
spacesuits and destroy the bacon... uh... I mean beacon ourselves.
Hawke: ME!? Why me!?
Picard: Regulation 46-A says that on any
dangerous mission, established characters are to be accompanied by at least
on nameless redshirt.
Hawke: What about him!? [points at Ensign
Redshirt]
Picard: He's scheduled to be killed in the
montage.
Redshirt: Excuse me?
Picard: Come on, let's go.
Crusher: Jean-Luc, wait!
Picard: Bev? Are you still here?
Crusher: Yes. What about the Narrator?
We can't go on without a narrator.
Picard: Good point. Just active the
ENH program.
Crusher: ENH?
Picard: The Emergency Narrating Hologram.
[Picard and company leaves]
Crusher: Computer: Activate the ENH
program.
[Please state the nature of the literary emergency]
Crusher: We were halfway through a parody
and our regular narrator was killed.
[Name of the story?]
Crusher: "Star Trek: Full Contact"
[Yeccch!]
Crusher: Ahem!
[Oh, very well! Leaving little Miss Country
Doctor, we journey to earth where Riker and Geordi are in pursuit of Cochrane.]
Riker: Dr. Cochrane, don't run! We're
your friends!
Cochrane: Bull! You guys stay away
from me! [Cochrane starts running]
Riker: We don't have time for this.
Phasers on kill.
LaForge: Stun sir.
Riker: Right, stun. Fire!
[Riker and LaForge shoot Cochrane]
Cochrane: I thought... you said...
you were... my friends.
Riker: We are.
Cochrane: You have a damn funny way of showing
it.
[As Cochrane's friends tend to the third degree
burns on his back, we return to the Enterprise's engine room where the
Borg Queen is trying to seduce Data.]
Queen: How do you like the skin Dada?
Data: Data.
Queen: Whatever.
Data: It's fine except for...
Queen: Except for what?
Data: Oh, it's nothing.
Queen: No, what is it?
Data: Well, it's just that...
Queen: Tell me, what?
Data: It itches.
Queen: Oh. What can I do?
Data: Could you release my arms so that
I might scratch it?
Queen: I can't do that.
Data: Why?
Queen: You'll try to escape.
Data: I will not!
Queen: Will!
Data: Won't!
Queen: You will too. And you just
used a contraction.
Data: No, I didn't!
Queen: Ok, if I release your arms will you
promise not to escape?
Data: Yes.
Queen: Cross your heart?
Data: Yes.
Queen: Hope to die?
Data: Yessssssss!
Queen: Ok, I'm going to release you now.
Remember you promised!
[Data escapes and beats up the Queen. Several
Borg (Formerly the starting line of the Dallas Cowboys) tackle the brave
android and shove him in front of the Queen]
Queen: [getting up] You're becoming
more human all the time Data. Now you're learning how to lie.
Data: [shrugs]
Queen: How much do you know about physical
forms of pleasure?
Data: I am programmed in multiple techniques
and positions.
Queen: How long since you used them?
Data: Episode #2. "The Naked Now."
Queen: Far too long. [kisses Data]
[Quickly leaving this disgusting development,
we journey into space where Picard. Worf, and Condor...
Hawke: Hawke! Hawke dammit!!!
...Whatever. ...Are preparing to release
the main deflector. Now, for it to work, all three of the mag-lock
have to be released at once (Makes perfect sense). Now, Picard unlocks
his easily. Hawke begins to unlock his when a Borg starts toward
him. Unimpressed, the edgy ensign takes out his bazooka and blows
the Borg to smithereens. Worf barely manages to unlock his when another
Borg notices something is up and begins to tromp towards him. Worf
fires his bazooka which doesn't phase the Borg one bit. Undaunted,
Worf pulls out his sword and slices and dices his enemy to pieces.
Triumphant, the Klingon bends over to pick up his phaser and splits his
pants. The lose of oxygen causes him to pass out. Another Borg
starts toward Hawke. Picard sees this and tries to warn his trusty
helmsman.]
Picard: Hey lookout Falcon! No...
uh... Pigeon! Uhhh uhh... Parakeet! No, that's not it.
It's... it's... uh... Duck! Damn. No, it's... HAWKE!!!
Hawke: WHAT!? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[The Borg drags Hawke away as Picard watches.
The Borg then turn their sights on Picard who helplessly backs away.
Suddenly...]
[At this point, the film breaks in the projector.
After an hour of the audience throwing Milk Duds at the screen, the film
starts again with Picard and Worf back on the bridge.]
Crusher: Bravo on you actions outside.
Picard: We were good weren't we?
Crusher: Too bad about Hawke.
Worf and Picard: Who?
[Meanwhile, down on Earth, Cochrane is preparing
the SS Minnow for launch]
Riker: Ready to launch doc?
Cochrane: I don't know if I really want
to... [Riker pulls his phaser] Oh! Yeah! I can't wait to get up into
the wild blue yonder! You betcha!
Riker: Get ready to launch. You've
got less than an hour.
Cochrane: Yessir!
[Back on the Enterprise]
Redshirt: It's pretty bad sir. The
Borg just overran every checkpoint we
have! It's like they've gone mad!
MAD I TELL YOU!!! MAD!!!!
Worf: What are you doing?
Redshirt: I'm going for a best supporting
actor Oscar.
Worf: Quit.
Redshirt: Aye sir.
Worf: Our choice is obvious. We must
activate the auto destruct system and evacuate the Enterprise.
Crusher: Don't you mean Evacuate the Enterprise
and THEN activate the auto-destruct?
Worf: That's what I said. Destroy
then evacuate!
Picard: No! We're going to stay and
fight!
Worf: Don't you mean try to reason with?
Picard: No! I mean stay and fight!!!
[Picard leaves]
Worf: I am pleasently surprised!
Lilly: Hold up! If we can get off
this ship and blow it up, let's do it!
Crusher: The captain has made up his mind
and we are going to follow his orders!
Lilly: That's stupid! [chases after Picard]
Picard: [to Lilly] Get out!
Lilly: This is so unlike you Jean-Luc!
You're not the kind of man to fight! You're a diplomat, not a warrior!
Picard: Nobody knows the Borg as I do, Lilly!
I will make them pay for what they did to me. Klingon honor demands
vengence! The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers!
Lilly: What did you say?
Picard: I said the streets will flow with the
blood of the...
Lilly: Before that.
Picard: Oh, uh... Klingon honor demands
vengence.
Lilly: Klingon honor? What the hell
are you talking about?
Picard: I'm... I'm not quite sure.
Let me check the script. [a pause] Well, I'll be darned, this is
Worf's script! I must have picked it up by mistake!
Lilly: So is that why you've been acting
like such an ass?
Picard: Yes, I suppose it is why I...
I was?
Lilly: Uh-huh.
Picard: Well, it seems there is only one
thing left to do.
[later]
Picard: Prepare to evacuate the Enterprise.
Worf: Jolly good sir.
Picard: [Hands Worf a script] I believe
this is yours Mr. Worf. I think we
switched scripts somewhere along the way.
Worf: So that's where this wussy little
accent came from.
Picard: Computer: Blow up the ship
in fifteen minutes.
Computer: Ship will blow up in fifteen minutes.
Crusher: Thank goodness for the idiot-proof
Starfleet.
Picard: Mr. Worf, put me on the intercom.
Worf: Your on.
Picard: This is Captain Picard. The
Auto-destruct system has been engaged, therefore I highly recomend that
you get into an escape pod and get away.
Worf: Good idea telling the crew sir, it's
just a shame that everyone below decks is dead.
Picard: Shit. Well, everybody, I suggest
you get an escape pod now before...
[Picard turns to see that everyone has already
left. Picard stands there for a few moments and then turns to leave.]
Voices: [mumbleing]
Data: [silently] ...Rosebud...
Picard: Data?
[On Earth, Cochrane, LaForge, and Riker are preparing
for launch]
Troi: [on radio] 10... 9... 8...
Cochrane: Oh God! I forgot!
Where is it?!
Troi: 7... 6... 5...
Cochrane: [puts CD in player] Let's rock and roll!
Troi: 4... 3... 2..
Music: Hey Mickey you're so fine.
You're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey! [clap clap clap clap clap
clap] Hey Mickey!
Cochrane: [singing along]
[Cochrane's ship blasts off into space.
Meanwhile, the Enterprise is totally deserted except for Picard who slowly
makes his way to engineering. The Borg allow him to enter.]
Queen: What's wrong Locutus Doesn't
this look familiar?
Picard: Yes, it's engineering. It
should look familiar.
Queen: You don't remember me, do you?
Picard: Risa? Last Summer?
Queen: I was there on the Borg ship.
Picard: The one that blew up?
Queen: My head didn't always come off you
know.
Picard: I see. Well, this is fascinating
and all, but I really need to rescue Data.
[Data emerges from the shadows, half of his face
is covered with skin]
Data: I do not want to go.
Picard: It's the Phantom! The phantom
of the opera!
Queen: Data's my new boyfriend and he's
not going anywhere. Isn't that right my little honey-muffin?
Data: That's right my little cream cake.
Picard: This is so sweet. You make
a lovely couple. You'll excuse me of course while I go outside and
retch.
Queen: Small words from a small being.
Picard: It's not the size that matters it's
how you use it!
Queen: Enough of this! Take him away!
[Several Borg grab Picard]
Queen: Data, show me how Windows '95 works.
Data: Of course.
Picard: No Data! Don't do it!
[Data smacks Picard out of the way and begins
instructing the Queen on how to use the computer. After a few minutes,
the Queen smiles]
Queen: Why, it's so simple once you know
how!
Data: And at a great price of $95.95, Windows
'95 can be yours. (See your local software dealer.)
Queen: Destroy the warp ship and target
them.
Data: Do you not mean, target THEN destroy?
Queen: Whatever. Destroy them!
[Data fires]
Queen: Watch your futures end.
Picard: That's right! Star Trek: Voyager
- "Future's End" an exciting two-part story. Airing Wednesday on
UPN!
Queen: Everyone! SHUT UP! This
isn't the time to be plugging anything!
[The torpedoes miss]
Picard: The torpedoes missed!
Queen: The torpedoes missed!?
All Borg: THE TORPEDOES MISSED!?!?!?
Data: Resistance is fruitless!
Queen: Futile!
Data: WHATEVER!!!
[Data breaks the plasma cooling tanks Picard was
talking to the space marines about earlier in this parody. The plasma
engulfs the Borg causing their organic sides to melt away like butter on
a hot plate. Picard and the Queen scramble up some loose hoses to
get away. Suddenly, the theme from JAWS starts to play. Worried
the Queen looks around the pool of hot plasma and sees nothing. Instantly,
Data, who looks like the Terminator, jumps out of the hot plasma and pulls
the Queen to her death.]
Queen: [dying] Remember... [she disintegrates]
[Meanwhile, Cochrane's warp ship hits warp speed
plastering it's occupants onto the back of the cockpit.]
Riker: Stop this crazy thing!
Cochrane: We can't stop! It's too
dangerous! We have to slow down first!
Riker: Bullshit! Stop this thing!
I order you! Stoooooooooooop!!!
[Cochrane stops his ship. Riker, Geordi,
and Cochrane fly forward and hit the front window.]
Cochrane: [face smushed up against the glass]
Umf Ummmf Muuf?
Riker: What?
Cochrane: Is that Earth?
Riker: That's it.
Cochrane: It's so small and insignificant.
Geordi: Yeah, depressing as hell ain't it?
[On the Enterprise, Picard vents all of the plasma
out of the Engine room and makes his way through all of the dead Borg.
He finds what's left of the Queen and pulls her batteries out, ending her
tyranny once and for all.]
Data: Captain.
Picard: Data, are you ok?
Data: Do I look ok?
Picard: No.
Data: [looking at Queen] Strange.
In a way, I'm sad that she's dead.
Picard: Strange indeed.
Data: I almost found her attractive.
Picard: So did I... in a MORBID and
SICK sort of way. You know, Data, there's something I want to ask
you.
Data: What?
Picard: When you knocked me out of the way
a while ago you almost acted as if you were enjoying yourself.
Data: It must have been a malfunction in
my emotions chip.
Picard: I suppose so.
[Data and Picard get up to leave. Data trips
Picard who turns and glares at him. Data shrugs.]
Picard: [Voice over] Captain's Epilogue,
Movie #2: The Voyage of the Minnow was a success and the alien ship
saw the warp signature and is about to land on Earth.
[In Cochrane's little city, a massive spacecraft
descends from the clouds. Stunned, the city dwellers watch as the spaceship's
landing legs crush a dog. A door opens and three humanoids emerge wearing
long robes.]
Cochrane: Are they really from another planet.
Troi: No, there from Jersey. Where
do you think!?
Riker: Yes they're from another planet,
and they're gonna wanna meet the man who flew that ship.
Cochrane: Boy do I envy him.
LaForge: It IS you.
Cochrane: Oh yeah!
[Cochrane approaches the aliens. The lead
alien lifts his hood to reveal...]
Alien: I am Goss. Daimon of the Feringi.
Cochrane: How the hell are ya?
Picard: [to his crew] I think we'd better
leave.
Riker: Enterprise, prepare to beam us up.
Picard: [walks over to Lilly]
Lilly: Is it time for you to go?
Picard: Yes.
Lilly: I envy you. The world you're
going to.
Picard: And I envy you. That full
head of hair. [Kisses Lilly. Slips her the tongue]
Lilly: [spitting uncontrollably]
Picard: Picard to Enterprise. Three
to beam up.
Crusher: Five sir.
Picard: Right. Five.
[Picard and company beam away. Lilly gives
them the finger. Later, on the bridge...]
Picard: Report.
LaForge: It's taken me a while, but I think
I can recreate the cromometric particles of the Borg sphere.
Picard: Why didn't we just slingshot around
the sun?
LaForge: (mumbling) I dunno.
Picard: Aw, to hell with it. Set a
course to the 24th century.
Data: Course laid in.
Picard: Engage.
[The Enterprise explodes in a great fireball]
Announcer: Oh no! It this the end
of Picard and his brave crew of sassy spacemen? Does there perilous journey
end in the 21st Century in a fiery cataclysm? Are the Borg really dead?
What is the mystery of the Yeti? Do YOU know the muffin man? Tune
in next time for more of Star Trek: The Next Generation Goes to the Movies
and find out!!!
|