Back to the Future: The Next Generation

By Ryan D. Mathews
 
 

[Opening scene : shuttlebay. Wesley is there with the arrogant

scientist Dr. Stubbs, from "Evolution". The two are examining a

shuttlecraft.]
 
 

Wesley : So what you're saying is that this is no ordinary shuttlecraft.

Stubbs : Nosiree, young whippersnapper!

Wesley : I asked you not to call me that!

Stubbs : Sorry. Anyway, this shuttle can do something no other shuttle can do! When it

        hits .88 impulse power, special circuits are activated that allow the craft to travel

        in time!

Wesley : Wow! Time travel! I thought that was impossible!

Stubbs : It was until just a few days ago. You're the first person I've told.

Wesley : Gosh! What an honor! Why me?

Stubbs : Because you're a bright young boy. In fact, you're a genius. And that pisses me

        off. This is my way of saying "I'm still smarter then you are!"

Wesley : Gee whiz, Dr. Stubbs, I want to grow up to be just as snotty

        and arrogant as you are!

Stubbs : Well, son, you're damned annoying, so you're getting there.

Wesley : When will we get to see it work?

Stubbs : I'm planning a test drive tomorrow.

Wesley : Oo! What time are you going to?

Stubbs : Well, remember how much I like baseball? I'm going to

        watch the last baseball game ever played, exactly 25 years

        ago. That was just before the big strike.

Wesley : That must have been what killed the sport, huh?

Stubbs : No, actually they're still on strike. They claim to have

        made some headway on salary arbitration, but...anyway, that's

        where I'm going.

Wesley : Say, can I have your autograph?

Stubbs : Sure thing! You have a pen?
 
 

[Wesley fishes in his pocket and comes up with a hypo.]
 
 

Wesley : Haha! Isn't that silly! I grabbed for one of Mom's pens and

        instead grabbed a conveniently full hypo of tricordrazine!

        I wonder why that happened?
 
 

[CRASH! A security team, led by Worf, enters the shuttlebay.]
 
 

Stubbs : Oh no. They've found me. I don't know how, but they've found

        me!

Wesley : Doc, what's wrong?

Worf : This man is under arrest for the theft of several dilithium

        crystals! And also for being snotty and arrogant!

Stubbs : I'm a Federation Expert! I'm supposed to be snotty and

        arrogant!

Worf : Nevertheless, you're coming with us!

Stubbs : You'll never take me alive you fascist-
 
 

[Worf phasers him. The bolt knocks him into Wesley, who accidentally

shoots the whole load of tricordrazine into his leg.]
 
 

Wesley : KILLERS! MURDERERS!
 
 

[He jumps in the shuttle and takes off, breaking the seal. Everyone is

blown out into space, except for Worf and Stubbs. Fade to opening

sequence.]

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK
 
 

Some things in life just go together. Peanut butter and jelly. Popcorn

and movies. Time travel and Tricordrazine.
 
 

Yes, whenever you find someone zipping back in time to destructively

alter history, you'll find Tricordrazine nearby. Most likely in nearly

lethal overdoses.
 
 

Remember, you don't have to be paranoid and zonked to travel in time.

But it sure helps.
 
 

This message brought to you by Medallin-Chem, makers of Tricordrazine

and Tricordrazine Lite.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 

[Scene : Exterior view of the Enterprise in orbit around Earth.]
 
 

Picard [Voice Over] : Captain's Log, Stardate 45678.9. We...wait a

minute, is that right? Hmm, I wonder what the odds are of that

happening-shut up, Data. We have returned to Earth for some routine

repairs, including the food synthesizers and holodeck.
 
 

[Cut to ready room, with Picard and Geordi.]
 
 

Picard [to synthesizer] : Tea. Hot.

Synthesizer : Share and Enjoy!
 
 

[Picard takes a drink and spits it out.]
 
 

Picard : PHEWWW!

Geordi : Tastes awful, huh?

Picard : Not only that, but I think someone already did this joke.

        What's wrong with the holodeck?

Geordi : Well, some of the holodeck constructs are...resistant to

        participate in certain...activities.

Picard : Plain English, please, Geordi.

Geordi : Holodeck girls don't put out.

Picard : Been running that Leah Brahms program again, haven't we?

        C'mon, Geordi, she's an engineer! She'd rather calculate pi to

        2000 places than have sex!

Geordi : Sir! That's private information! And besides, Worf has the

        same problem.

Picard : I've never heard any complaints from him.

Geordi : That's because the girls beat him up instead, and he likes

        that almost as much. But they're still not doing what they

        were programmed to.

Data [over intercom] : Captain Picard to the bridge!
 
 

[Cut to bridge. Except for Worf and Wesley, the standard crew is all

there, including Troi, resplendent in a mini-bikini. Riker, looking

about 300 pounds, is munching on a huge deli sandwich that he quickly

hides under his ample butt as Picard enters. He then makes a great

show of being ready for action and leaps to his feet.]
 
 

Riker : Captain Picard! Sir!

Picard [wiping bits of salami and lettuce off his face] : What's

        happening, Number One?

Riker : There's been an unauthorized shuttle launch, sir. Lt. Worf and

        a security team were down there when it happened!

Picard : My God! [thumbs intercom] Lt. Worf! Are you alright?
 
 

[Quick cut to shuttle bay]
 
 

Worf [over intercom] : I'm fine. The computer automatically protects

        anyone with a recurring role.

Picard : What happened?

Worf : It's Wesley, sir. He accidentally shot himself with a full hypo

        of tricordrazine. That's pharmaceutical tricordrazine, sir.

        Potent shit.

Picard : And he...

Worf : Went buggo and stole the shuttle, sir.

Picard : Damn! Are you sure you're okay?

Worf : I'm fine.

Picard : Good. Then you won't mind me asking WHY THE [BLEEP!] DIDN'T

        YOU PUT LOCKS ON THE SHUTTLES LIKE I TOLD YOU TO?

Worf : Klingons don't install locks!

Picard : Forget it! Report to the bridge immediately. [to

        communications] Raise the shuttle.

Riker : We've already tried, sir! There's no response! BUUUUURRRRP!

Everyone : Oh, God! Phew! Gag! Ack!

Picard : Number One, go gargle before you kill us.

Riker : Yes, sir. [tries to leave, and gets stuck in the turbolift

        door.] Uh, sir?
 
 

[Worf arrives. He looks at Riker and suppresses a giggle, then takes

his station.]
 
 

Picard : Troi, what do you feel?

Troi : I feel damned cold, that's what I feel. You know, if I'm going

        to wear this thing, you could at least look a *little*

        aroused!

Picard : Worf, keep trying to raise the shuttle.

Worf : Yes, sir! While I'm at it, how 'bout I fire a little salvo of

        photon torpedos?

Picard : No! Under no circumstances shall we fire on the shuttle!

Worf : But sir, he stole a shuttle! A modified shuttle! And he killed

        eight nameless security officers!

Data : Worf's right, sir. We may never get a chance like this again.

Picard : Hmm... No! Not while there's still a chance of the writers

        putting Beverly and I in bed.
 
 

[Everyone looks at Picard.]
 
 

Picard : Uhh--IN RED! Beverly will be red-faced with anger and despair

        should anything happen to her son! Yes, that's what I meant to

        say!
 
 

[As if on cue, Beverly walks onto the bridge.]
 
 

Beverly : What's this I hear about Wesley stealing a shuttle?

Worf : Receiving a transmission!

Picard : On screen.
 
 

[Wesley looks even worse than he usually does. His eyes look ready to

pop out of his skull and he's been drooling.]
 
 

Wesley : MURDERERS! ASSASSINS!

Worf : That's tricordrazine all right. He looks like he's having a

        serious buzz.
 
 

[Everyone looks at Worf.]
 
 

Worf : I only take it for medicinal purposes.

Beverly : Oh, Wes, why couldn't you just say no?

Wesley : PHILANDERERS! SYCOPHANTS!

Data : I'm rubber, you're glue, it bounces off me and sticks to you!

Picard : Data!

Data : I thought that was the proper rejoinder.

Picard : Wesley! Stop this nonsense now! Your mother is worried!

Beverly : Yes, Wesley! Please come home!

Wesley : TELEVANGELISTS! LAWYERS!!

Picard [enraged] : RIGHT! THAT'S IT! Worf, lock phasers!

Worf [with a huge smile on his face] : YES, SIR!!

Beverly : Jean-Luc!
 
 

[Picard looks back and forth between Worf and Beverly. Both are

wearing pleading looks. Finally, Picard stamps his foot.]
 
 

Picard : Oh, hell! Worf, disengage phasers.

Worf [whining] : Awwwww, sir!

Picard : You heard me! Comm, he's too far away. Take us closer!

        [thumbs intercom] Transporter room! Lock onto the pilot of

        that shuttle!

O'Brien : And beam him into space, right?

Picard : No just-

O'Brien : Wide dispersion, right? No problem! Wide dispersion it is!

Picard : Just beam him aboard, alright? [pause] ALRIGHT?

O'Brien : Alright.
 
 

[Cut to external view. The Enterprise is gaining on the shuttle. Cut

to shuttle interior. Wesley looks back and sees what's coming.]
 
 

Wesley : So, that's how you want it, huh? FINE! Let's see if you

        bastards can do .9!
 
 

[Wesley hits the gas and lurches back with the acceleration. Cut to

external. The shuttle flares and vanishes, leaving a flaming trail

through space. Cut to bridge, where no-one was expecting this.]
 
 

Picard : Shit. [pause] I'm going to have a talk with Dr. Stubbs.

Number One, you have the con.
 
 

[Walks past Riker, who is still stuck in the turbo lift door, and

leaves the bridge.]
 
 

Riker : Uh, sir? Sir!
 
 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK
 
 

[Open with Paramount logo. Then cut to assorted scenes from the first

five Star Trek movies.]
 
 

Announcer : Have you ever wondered what the heroes of Trek were like

when they were young?
 
 

[Cut to party scene. All trek cast members are wearing togas and

singing along to "Louie, Louie"]
 
 

Come back to those crazy academy days, when the entire bridge crew

were members of the wackiest fraternity at Starfleet Academy, Delta

Tau Chi!
 
 

[Cut. Spock is on a ladder watching Nurse Chapel undress. As she

removes her bra, he raises an eyebrow, then falls over backward.]
 
 

Thrill to the wacky antics of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy, as they were

when they were mere cadets!
 
 

[Cut. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy have mistakenly taken their dates to an

all-Klingon bar. Three nasty Klingons walk up.]
 
 

Biggest Klingon : You mind if we dance with your dates?
 
 

Announcer : It's fun! It's crazy! It ignores all established

        continuity! But who cares!
 
 

Kirk : TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
 
 

It's Star Trek VI : Animal Trek!

-------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 

[Scene: the conference room. Everyone is there, including Dr. Stubbs.

Troi is now wearing bikini bottoms and suspenders covering only the

important part of her breasts and is looking quite miffed at the lack

of attention the outfit is getting.]
 
 

Picard : You're telling me you modified that shuttle to be a time

        machine?

Stubbs : Yes! You deaf or something?

Picard : You knew the problems time travel caused in the past, and yet

        you still built this machine?

Stubbs : Just doing my job.

Picard : Your job-

Stubbs : As stated in section 5, paragraph 6 of the Arrogant

        Federation Expert's Handbook, "An Expert must endeavor to be

        snotty and arrogant at all times, and to do at least one

        incredibly stupid thing whenever he's on board." I'm a plot

        catalyst, you boob! If it wasn't for me you'd be stuck be with

        another hour of Troi getting people to talk about their

        feelings!

Troi [leaping to her feet] : I resent that!

Picard : Sit down, counselor!
 
 

[One of the suspenders breaks. No-one notices. Stifling curses, Troi

sits down again.]
 
 

Beverly: You mean my son's floating out there, God-knows-when?

Stubbs : Oh, I know when! The controls were set for 25 years ago!

Picard : Hmm. So then--Number One, what on Earth is that thing?
 
 

[Riker is popping marshmallows into his mouth with a bizarre-looking

device. He displays it proudly.]
 
 

Riker : It's my official Star Trek V marshmallow dispenser, sir!

Picard : Well, put it away! Unless you brought enough for everyone. So

        then, Wesley is in the past and we've no way of getting to

        him.

Data : On the contrary, Captain. We could do a Warp 10 slingshot

        around the sun.

Geordi : Or use that weird intermix formula from "The Naked Time"!

Data : Or visit the Guardian of Forever.

Picard : Interesting suggestions. Did any of them happen in a TNG

        episode?

Geordi and Data : No.

Picard : As I was saying, we've no way of getting to him. Dr. Stubbs--

Data : But Captain, you mentioned "all the trouble time travel has

        caused in the past." This implies that we do have knowledge of

        those methods.

Picard : Data?

Data : Yes?

Picard : Shut up.

Data : Yes, sir.

Picard : Dr. Stubbs, what is the worst damage that Wesley could do to

        our timeline?

Stubbs : Well, he's only a boy...and he was only sent back 25 years.

        I'd say the worst he could do would be to wipe out his own

        existence.

Beverly : Oh, no!

Picard : That's all?

Stubbs : Most likely.

Picard : Conference dismissed.

Beverly : WHAT? You're just going to let Wesley die?

Picard [winking at others] : Wesley? Who's Wesley?

Beverly : What do you mean, "Who's Wesley?"

Picard : I don't know any Wesley? How about you, Number One?

Riker : Never heard of him. Worf, you know any "Wesley"?

Worf : No. Should I?

Beverly : You can't do this to me!

Picard : Counselor, what's wrong with Dr. Crusher?

Troi : Hysteria, Captain. Most likely brought on by her seeming

        inability to have children.

Picard : Well, if that's the problem, there's an easy cure. Shall we

        say my quarters, around eight?

Beverly : YOU BASTARDS!

Data : Captain, perhaps we shouldn't be so eager to let Wesley-

Picard : Data, we - don't - know - anyone - named - Wesley, do we?

Data : We don't? Then who saved our lives in "The Naked Now"?

Geordi : That's right! And in "The Last Goodbye", too! Now that you

        mention it, he's made a habit pulling of our butts out of the

        fire!

Stubbs : Ooh, that's bad! If he disappears, the entire ship could go

        with him! Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a beam to catch.
 
 

[Picard grabs him by the arm.]
 
 

Picard : Can you outfit another shuttle?

Stubbs : How about you draw up some project outlines and I'll get back

        to you?

Worf : How about I rip your legs off and shove them up your nose?

Stubbs : Is two hours early enough?
 
 

[Cut to rim of Earth's atmosphere. Suddenly, Wesley's shuttle pops

into existence, leaving a flame trail behind it and hurtling downward

at incredible speed. Wesley looks back and sees the trail.]
 
 

Wesley : That's impossible. Vacuum doesn't burn! YAAAAAHHHH!
 
 

[Wesley realizes where he's headed and slams on the brakes. The

shuttle screeches like a car, and slows, but not enough. It heads for

a building, out of control. Cut to the interior of the building, where

a red-headed teenager is talking on the holophone. It is the young

Beverly, of course.]
 
 

Beverly : And he like acts so superior! I mean, like what a dweeb! Gag

        me with a spoon! So, I go, "Jack, why don't you --"
 
 

[The shuttle crashes into her room. A dazed Wesley climbs out.]
 
 

Beverly : Oh, Marge! You won't believe what's happening! This is like

        so rad! Gotta go. Wow, what a hunk! Like, are you OK?

Wesley [who is coming down off the tricordrazine] : Mom? I'll never

        sample your goodies again, I promise. [passes out]

Beverly : Oh, wow! My helpless brave knight from space! I'll love you

        forever! (This is like, totally tubular!)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK
 
 

[Scene: James Doohan in Scott uniform]
 
 

Doohan : If you love the action and adventure of Star Trek as much as

        I do, here's something you'll want to pick up! [Holds up

        cassette] That's right, it's the video cassette of Star Trek V

        : The Final Frontier. Not many people realize just how useful

        this item is!
 
 

        ...It makes a wonderful doorstop!
 
 

        ...If you buy enough copies, your children can build a fort!
 
 

        ...Use it as a talisman to ward off bands of marauding movie

        critics!
 
 

        [Doohan is relaxing in front of a fireplace.]
 
 

        And, at its current closeout price, it's cheaper than

        firewood! [Tosses a few cassettes on the blaze]
 
 

        Star Trek V! No trekkie should be without several!

        [Holds up box one more time, just before he is overcome by

        fumes.]
 
 

Announcer : Star Trek V. In packs of 8 in the K-Mart Bargain Bin.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 

[Scene : Shuttle bay. Shuttle launches as Picard does voice-over]
 
 

Picard : Captains Log, Stardate 45679.1. In order to prevent the

        time-traveling Wesley from altering history, an away team

        composed of Commander Riker, Commander Data, and Counselor

        Troi is traveling back in time to retrieve Wesley before he

        does any damage. All of us are hoping for his safe return.
 
 

[Cut to bridge.]
 
 

Picard : Close log. Personal Log. Note : Should Wesley return

        safely, use pull with his instructor to get extra gym courses

        added to his schedule. Suggest : Getting Hit in the Face 101,

        Painful Blows to the Testicles 206, Being Locked in a Cage

        with a Starving Lion 403--
 
 

Worf : Captain, the shuttlecraft is going in circles!

Picard : Shuttle! What's wrong!

Data's Voice : Unknown, sir. We are experiencing a severe weight

        imbalance.

Picard : Have Commander Riker sit in the exact center of the craft!
 
 

[Show screen. Shuttle straightens out.]
 
 

Data : Thank you sir. That fixed it.
 
 

[Shuttle picks up speed and vanishes. Cut to Beverly's bedroom of 25

years ago. Beverly is wrapping Wesley is bandages from head to toe as

he awakens.]
 
 

Wesley: Wha? Where am I? Since when is sickbay filled with stuffed

        animals and Depeche Mode : The Next Generation posters?

Beverly: Oh, wow, like, you're awake! I was, like, gettin' worried!

Wesley: Mom? You look real young!

Beverly: Mom? Oh, like that's so sweet!

Wesley: But...but you're not a valley girl! You're a doctor!

Beverly: That's right, we're playin' doctor! Don't worry, we get to

        the part where I take off my clothes real soon.

Wesley: The last thing I remember is shooting myself with a hypo.

        Before that, I was talking to Dr. Stubbs about his time

        machine...which is stuck in your wall!!!

Beverly: Oh, yeah! You're like, gonna have to help me hide that. My

        parentals have this, like, major thing about me smashing new

        windows in the house.

Wesley [who is starting to sweat]: If I arrived in that, and the

        controls were set for 25 years ago...hoo boy. Then you're...

Beverly: Beverly, atcher service! But you can, like, call me Bev! All

        my friends do! In fact, [starts to unbutton her blouse and

        breath hard] you can call me "love goddess"!

Wesley: Uh, er, mah-Bev! What about Jack Crusher!

Beverly: Jack Crusher?

Wesley: Yeah, that incredibly handsome guy, who, if my calculations

        are correct, you should be going out with now.

Beverly: Why would I go out with Jack? He's, like, a walking bag of

        hormones! He's wants to take me to the dance tomorrow night,

        and, like, I've been looking for a reason to to say no. Well,

        now I've got one!

Wesley [to himself]: But, if I remember what she told me...
 
 

[Ripple-fade to memory. Beverly, with her back turned to Wesley, is

describing how she met his father.]
 
 

Beverly: At first, I didn't think much of Jack. But on the way back,

        he pulled off to the side of the road and [licks lips]

        ...convinced me that we were made for each other.
 
 

[Ripple-fade back to teen Beverly, who has taken advantage of Wesley's

pensiveness to crawl up on him and kiss him passionately.]
 
 

Beverly: Yukk!

Wesley: It's like kissing your brother, isn't it?

Beverly: No, it's like kissing a nerd who's never kissed anyone! But

        don't worry! We've got, like, plenty of time to learn!

Voice: Beverly, who are you talking to?

Beverly: You gotta go!
 
 

[Beverly pushes a button and the bed folds into the wall, taking

Wesley with it!]
 
 

Beverly: No-one, Mom!
 
 

[Cut to sky. A new shuttle arrives, much more in control, and makes a

landing in a park. The shuttle door opens and Data, Riker, and Troi

get out.]
 
 

Troi: GASP! HACK! AUGGHH-HUFF!

Riker: Will you stop making such a big deal out of this! You're being

        so immature!

Troi: I'm immature?! I'm not the one who blew a fart that filled the

        whole cabin!

Riker: What?!

Data: Blew a fart. Broke wind, passed vapors, cut the cheese, popped a

        punker--

Riker: Shut up, Data! It wasn't that bad! *I'm* not choking!

Troi: You were sitting on my face when you did it!

Riker: You used to--

Troi: YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND YOU'RE DEAD!!!

Riker: Well--Data, is something wrong?

Data: No, Commander. I am merely observing the interaction between

        those two teenagers over there.
 
 

[A big teenage boy is threatening a less-muscular, yet strangely

familiar-looking teenage boy.]
 
 

Big Boy: I don't like you froggy exchange students! I think I'll beat

        you up! How do you like them apples!

Other Boy: Well, mister, I don't take threats lightly! Here is a

        warning shot! [Takes a swing about two inches in front of the

        kid's face.] There! That will teach you not to mess with

        Jean-Luc--
 
 

[Big Boy beats the shit out of him]
 
 

Data: I couldn't help noticing your predicament, young boy. Next time

        a bully confronts you, why don't you try getting in the first

        punch?

Jean-Luc: You mean, actually hit him?

Data: Yes, that would certainly seem to be the logical course of

        action.

Jean-Luc: Gee, thanks, mister! I'll try it. Punching him! What a great

        idea! Why didn't I think of that! [runs off]

Riker: C'mon Data, we have to find Wesley!
 
 

[They walk off. Camera changes focus on Jean-Luc beating someone up in

the background.]
 
 

Jean-Luc: That's right, Jack, give me all your money, or I'll hit you

        some more. Wow! This hitting thing works even better against

        kids who *aren't* bullies!
 
 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK:
 
 

Presenting a once-in-a-lifetime offer to Trekkies everywhere! If you

have access to a Usenet system, you can be involved in the greatest

Star Trek fanzine of all time...
 
 

****** REC.ARTS.STARTREK!!!! *****
 
 

Subscribe now, and get 70 messages loaded into your system daily. Just

look what you get!
 
 

-  6 Reviews of the same episode

-  6 Nitpicks of the reviews

-  5 Flames against the nitpickers

- 23 Flames for/against homosexuality

-  6 Remarks about Troi's breasts

-  4 Remarks about Riker's expanding waistline

-  4 Requests for the TNG episode list

-  2 Requests to explain IMHO

-  5 People still arguing about whether Yar really went back in time

-  3 Spelling flames

-  4 Flames to stop all the flaming

-  1 Idiotic parody written by a grad student who should be working on

     more important things.
 
 

And as a special bonus:

-  1 Insightful, original post about Star Trek!
 
 

Here is an example of some of the exciting posts you'll read every day

on r.a.s!
 
 

-------------

>>>All in all, a highly original parody. I give it a 9 for plot, an 8

>>>for characterization and a 0 for class.

>>Frankly I can't see what all the fuss is about. Ho hum.

>That's what I thought you'd say, Mr Eliteist!

                                     ^^^^^^^^

You misspelled "elitist"!

_____________

>>>Hey, if this was a time-travel episode, where's Guinan? She's the

>>>time travel expert. Let's pay attention to continuity, okay, guys?

>>She's on vacation, okay? GEEZ!

>Well, if you're so unwilling to accept criticism, you shouldn't have

>written the damn thing!
 
 

[expletives deleted]

-------------

You know, this guy has a lot of nerve flaming me about disk space when
 
 

Well, that's enough examples for now! I bet you just can't wait to

join the exciting mob that is r.a.s! So head on over to your

newsreader and sign up today!
 
 

R.a.s! We're not just a bunch of trekkies. We're a @#$&ING HUGE bunch

of trekkies!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

[Scene: 10-forward. Picard is talking with Guinan.]
 
 

Guinan: So. What did you want to talk to me about?

Picard: Nothing, really. It just occurred to me that if I don't talk

        to you sometime, the analysts on r.a.s are going to have a

        fit. This is, after all, a time travel episode.

Guinan: Well, if you're wondering whether there's been any

        developments in the time travel mission, I'm afraid I can't

        tell you--ulp!

Picard: What is it?

Guinan: Oh...nothing!
 
 

[Cut to 25 years ago. Scene: distance shot of Beverly's apartment

building.]
 
 

Riker: First officer's log, Stardate 45681.8. We have finally found

        Wesley and the teenager who will become his mother.

        Unfortunately, it seems that the teenage Beverly has formed a

        crush on [pffft!] Wesley, and is resisting our attempts to

        hook her up with Jack Crusher. I would go into these attempts

        in more detail, but this parody has gone on long enough

        already. What's worse, she seems to have caught on to the fact

        that we want her to date Jack. Data is currently attempting to

        retrieve Wesley's shuttle, which is still jammed in the 20th

        story wall of Beverly's apartment.
 
 

[Cut to close view of park at the bottom of the building. Troi, Riker,

and Wesley are there, along with Beverly and Jack.]
 
 

Beverly: So, OK, guys! It's time for you to, like, level with me,

        y'know? Why is it so mondo-important for me to go out with

        this dweeb?

Jack: Because you are my density...detsiny...denisty--

Wesley: Knock it off, Jack, that didn't work the first time.

Riker: Should we tell her?

Troi: We have to. The dance is tonight.

Riker: Okay, it's like this. We're from the future, see? And this boy

        here, he's your son. With Jack. And if you two don't, you

        know, then Wesley won't be born and he won't exist to save the

        ship in 25 years!

Beverly: This kid here, he's my son?

Wesley: That's right...Mom.

Beverly: Eewwwwwwwwwwwwww! That's gross! Forget it! I'll never marry

        Jack! Never!

Data's Voice: LOOK OUT BELOW!!!

Beverly: Huh?
 
 

[Pan back. The shuttle has fallen out of the hole in the wall. It hits

Beverly right on the head. Close up again.]
 
 

Beverly: Ohhhhhh...wowwwww! [passes out]

Wesley: AAAAAAAAH! YOU KILLED MY MOM! OH MY GOD! I'M FADING! I'M

        FAAAAAADING!

Troi: Oh, shut up Wesley! She's not dead! Thank God for light

        construction materials!
 
 

[Jack runs to her as she regains consciousness.]
 
 

Beverly: Oh Jack, you saved me!

Jack: Uh, well...That's right! I saved you, that's the ticket!

Beverly: My hero! I will marry you! I will!

Riker: I think that's our cue to leave!

Jack: How can I ever thank you guys?

Riker: Just get her good and pregnant.

Jack: I'll do my best, sir!
 
 

[Troi, Riker, Data, and Wesley get in the shuttles and take off. The

shuttles vanish as Jack and Beverly wave goodbye. Cut to present, the

Enterprise bridge.]
 
 

Worf: Two shuttles have appeared out of nowhere, sir!

Picard: Excellent! It appears the mission was a success! Bring them

        aboard!
 
 

[Cut to a few hours into the future, as the entire bridge crew is back

to their rightful positions. Wesley looks pulverized, for some

reason.]
 
 

Picard: I must say, it is good to have you all back. Even you, Wesley.

        How did you enjoy gym class today?

Wesley [high voice]: Oh fine sir, invigorating!

Riker: Not only did we succeed, sir, but I think we did so without

        seriously changing history.

Worf: Sir! Sensors detect a Romulan warbird approaching!

Picard: Great! Blow it up!!

Riker: Sir?

Worf: Phasers and photon torpedos firing, sir!
 
 

[Exterior shot. The warbird goes boom.]
 
 

Picard: Ah, nothing like a good space battle to get the juices

        flowing! Picard to sickbay! I've just blown up a Romulan

        warbird, and you know what that means!

Beverly: Oh, God! Yes!

Picard: Well, if you'll excuse me, I've some business to take care of.

        [Makes eyebrows at Riker.] Number One, you have the con.

Worf: Sir, you are the bitchenest captain in Starfleet!

Picard: Thank you, Worf. Carry on. [Leaves.]

Riker: Of course, I could be wrong.
 

[Fin]