Star Trek Deep Space Nine 
"Assault of the Lawyer" 

By "Tim" 


Location: Ops on a typical day. All the regulars are present along with
Jake and Nog who are arguing about last nights vole fight at Quarks.
Suddenly a man in a business suit appear out of nowhere.

Sisko: Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?
Stranger: We are lawyer. You will cease this violation of copyright laws
        or we will sue you.
Sisko: We haven't done anything wrong.
Lawyer: According to US copyright laws you have. Now cease this
        unauthorized show or we will sue you.
Sisko: I don't think you know whom you're dealing with. I'm Captain
        Benjamin Sisko of Deep Space Nine.
Lawyer: No you are a man who thinks he is Benjamin Sisko. Now cease this
        unauthorized show or we will sue you.
Sisko: Lawyers. Just as bad as the Borg.
Dax: Actually Benjamin, they're worse.
Sisko: Worse! In that case, I'd rather deal with the Borg. At least you
        can try to reason with them.
O'brien: Yeah but not very well.
Sisko: Chief, when I need your input I'll ask for it now get back to
        fixing something.
O'brien: Sorry sir.(Under his breath he mumbles "What side of whose bed
        did you wake up on?)
Sisko: Say something chief?
O'brien: No sir.
Sisko: Good. Now back to the lawyer. Anyone have any ideas on how we can
        get rid of this menace?
Worf: We could shoot him.
Kira: I agree with Worf. Shoot him.
Bashir: We could blow him out of an airlock.
Kira: Even better. All in favor say Aye.
All: Aye.
Kira: Then it's settled. Out the airlock he goes.
Sisko: Wait a minute. Maybe we can reach his human side.
Dax: I doubt it. According to the computer. Lawyers were heartless
        people who would sue their own grandmother to make a quick buck.
Sisko: All right then. Out the airlock.
Worf: I'd rather shoot him.
Kira: Shut up already.
Worf:(grinding teeth)Yes ma'am.
Kira: good. Worf you grab his arms. Odo you turn yourself into a cart or
        something so we can strap him down. Bashir you sedate him and Dax 
        you get his legs. Everyone go on one.
All: yes sir.
Kira: GO!

[Instantly everyone does their job and in no time flat the lawyer is
strapped down, sedated, and on his way to the airlock.}

Kira: All right. Worf open the door and Dax you push him inside.
Dax: What about Odo?
Kira: Odo? Who cares about Odo?
Odo: I care about Odo.
Kira: Sorry Odo. I forgot you were still there. Ok, Odo you get him in
        the arilock. Now Worf close the hatch and send him on his merry 
        way.
Worf: With pleasure but I'd rather shoot him.
Kira: I've had it with you! Let's shoot this and let's shoot that. We
        shot the last lawyer who came here.
Worf: Yeah, but you got to blow the last three politicians out of the
        airlock.
Kira: I'm the ranking officer here. Not you.
Worf: Whatever.
Kira: That's it.[She opens the airlock door and pushes Worf through. On
his way out Worf grabs Kira an pulls her with him.]
Kira: Let go of me you… you... Klingon!
Worf: Never!
Sisko: Dammit. Now how am I going to explain this one to Starfleet.
Dax: I don't know but you better make it good. That's the tenth crew
        member whose been dragged out of the airlock this week.
Sisko: The tenth? I thought it was four.
Dax: No. It's the tenth.
Sisko: Ouch. 

[Back in his office Sisko sits down to write his report.}

Captains log, Stardate 12345.6: Today we encountered a life form called
        a lawyer. It's skin was an Armani suit. The hair was a solid plate 
        of grease and its briefcase was surgically attached to its hand. 
        It was very efficient. The borg should take notes form this guy.

[As Sisko finishes his log he hears a creaking in the wall]

Sisko: What the Sisko to Chief O'brien.
O'brien: O'brien here.
Sisko: Chief is there something wrong with the wall in my office?
O'brien: I'm reading some structural weakening. Wait. Sir, get out of
        your office. It's back.
Sisko: What's back?
O'brien: The lawyer!
Sisko: What!? Back? I thought he was dead?
O'brien: That's what you get for thinking.
Sisko: Oh shut Ahhhhhhhhh!

[Before Sisko can finish his sentence the wall opens up and he's sucked
out into space.]