"Third Rock From the Wormhole" 

The DS9/Third Rock crossover

by Jesse Glaspey



Opening scene: Ops on the station



(Sisko is getting ready to go to a holosuite baseball game when Kira 

runs up to him)



Kira: Permission to bitch, Captain!

Sisko: What else is new? What?

Kira: This new security officer I have to train is an idiot! I'm going to

        kill him!

Sisko: What's his name?

Kira: Ensign Bennish.

Sisko: What are you going to do to him?

Kira: Date him, sir!

Sisko: Gah! A slow painful death! No, do it quick...fire him out an 

        airlock. And clean up after you're done.

Kira: Thank you captain! (Kira runs off to commit savage acts of violence)

Dax: Captain!

Sisko: Now what?

Dax: There's something coming towards the station!

Sisko: Cardassians?

Dax: No.

O'Brien: Jem'Hadar?

Dax: Nope.

Odo: The Shadows?

Dax: Wrong show! No!

All: THEN WHAT?

Dax: A Bonneville.

Sisko: Oh. (pauses) WHAT?

Dax: Look at the readings! (hands Sisko a padd) What do you make of that?

Sisko: I can make a hat (puts the padd on top of his head), a shoe, even a

        birdie, BAWK BAWK BAWK! (Starts flapping the padd around)

Dax: Gimme that! They're now requesting permission to dock. What do I 

        tell 'em?

Sisko: Let em in, it's not like a Bonneville can harm us.

Worf: Have you seen how much gas they use up?

Sisko: Shut it!



(The Bonneville convertable, with its top up and windows rolled up, docks 

in a cool CGI sequence, the airlock opens and the Third Rockers walk in) 



Dick: We're heeeerrrreee!



(The Ops crew tenses up)



Sisko: I've got a baaaaad feeling about this.

Dax: Me too. My spider-sense is tingling!

All: (to Dax) SHUT IT!

===========================================

Narrator: Coming soon, on FOX. If you thought it was bad when Sliders 

ripped off Twister and Tremors, wait till you get a load of this!



Quinn: Everyone make sure your stuff is all on board and pray you didn't

forget your bug spray!

-----------------------------------

Rickman: (rolls out snake skin)

Maggie: What's this?

Rickman: Anaconda skin. What ever shed this has grown since then.

Rambrandt: There's snakes out there ths big? I'm getting the hell back to 

        LA!

Wade: Snakes don't eat people!

Rickman: Oh no? (Shows a scar)

------------------------------------

Narrator: Yes, SLIDERS:ANACONDA! We didn't even bother to change the 

        script! We just stuck the cast in corresponding roles!

------------------------------------

Bennish: If we help him, he will help us get out of here alive!

------------------------------------

(Rickman is crushing Maggie between his legs.)

Maggie: SHIT! Not again!

Rickman: (muttering something unintelligble which is in fact the words to

        "My Generation")

------------------------------------

Narrator: WATCH IT! Or we'll have to rip off something even worse: Power

        Rangers.

============================================

Dick: Well, this is going to be the perfect vacation!

Tommy: I hope so,  especially after that "Babylon 5" incedent.

Harry: I didn't mean to barf on that Kosh person! I get queasy at 

        unresolved storylines.

Sally: Well hopefully they don't have any of those here!

Jake: (walks by) Don't count on it.

(Sisko walks up) 

Sisko: Welcome to Deep space nine! I'm the captain. Ben Sisko. We noticed

        you have a...interesting ship.

Dick: She's a beauty, isn't she?

Sisko: Yeah, whatever. How can it fly in space?

Dick: I can't say. Or the Big Giant Head will fine me.

Sisko: Umm....sure.

Dick: Well thanks for the greeting Captain Stubing.

Sisko: Sisko.

Dick: Whatever. We'll only be here for a week or two.

Sally: Or until Dick breaks down and runs back to Dr. Albright.

Dick: Ah, Mary. How I miss her. I wish I could've brought her.

Sisko: ......I've got to be somewhere else now.

Harry: Shh. He's in a soliloquy!

Dick: Mary, how I love thee! Let me count the ways, one two three four 

        five six seven eight nine ten....

Sisko: Gotta GO! (Runs off)

Dick: Oh well, everyone have fun on the oddly designed station. Run along

        now! (Dick hands Sally, Tommy and Harry some money and they run 

        off.)



(Sally is walking around the promenade and she sees Worf practicing on his

bat'leth against an opponent)



Worf: TAKE THAT!

Opponent: Not in the face! NOT IN THE FACE!

Worf: I have beaten you! You have no more honor! Pay up.



(Opponent hands Worf twenty credits and storms off. Sally picks up the 

Bat'leth)



Sally: So, you're a warrior, eh?

Worf: Some say it is so.

Sally: I challenge you!

Worf: (laughing) HA! You?

Sally: Chicken.

Worf: Them's fightin' words! (Worf attacks)



(After hours of fighting Sally and Worf kiss. Worf runs off limping)



Sally: Where are you going?

Worf: Something came up!



(Meanwhile in Quark's Harry and Tommy walk in)



Tommy: Alright. They're bound to have women here! You go around and 

        repulse the women and by the time you're done I'll look like the 

        greatest catch! Got it?

Harry: Prepare to be dazzled. (Harry walks up to Leeta.) What's happenin' 

        baby?

Leeta: Dabo!



(several people hear Leeta wrong, yell and run off with the money)



Harry: Ah, a game of chance! I think I'll try. How do I play.

Leeta: Beats me.

Harry: Wanna go back to my place? 

Leeta: Um, sure! (Leeta walks off with him leaving a surprised Quark and

        Tommy staring dumbfounded.)

Tommy: No WAY!

Quark: Way. I though it was creepy when she dated my brother, now this!

Tommy: Now where am I going to get a babe like that!

Quark: Have you ever tried a holosuite?

Tommy: (Raises eyebrow) Holo-what?

Quark: Live fantasies!

Tommy: Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!



(Quark hands a couple to Tommy who runs off )



Quark: Buncha freaks on this station.



(Meanwhile, Dick is wandering around the station and sees two crooks 

fleeing a robbery. Odo jumps in their way.)



Odo: Freeze, you criminal scum!

Bon'y: We're busted!

Cly'd: Not yet! (Pulls out a big stick and swings it at Odo. Odo morphs and

        grabs the two criminals. Dick sees all this and runs away screaming.)

(Dick runs into Sally on the promenade. Dick is still screaming.)



Sally: High Commander! What's wrong? 

Dick: Jell-O's! Jell-O's!

Sally: From the Brown Planet? They're here?

Dick: AHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Jumps into Sally's arms.)

Sally: I meant they're on the station!

Dick: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!



(Bashir and O'Brien hear the screams and walk up.)



O'Brien: What's going on here?

Sally: There are evil Gelatinous creatures on the station!

O'Brien: Changelings?

Bashir: AHHHHHHHHHHH! (Jumps into O'Briens arms.)

O'Brien: I meant on the station!

Bashir: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

O'Brien: We've got to tell the Captain! (O'Brien, Bashir, Sally and Dick 

        run off.)

===========================================

Narrator: Tonight on the X-files, Mulder and Scully get two new partners:

Jay and Silent  Bob!

Jay: Snootchie Bootchies, Scully nootchies! (Slaps Scully's ass)

Silent Bob:.............

Mulder: We're in the middle of investigating ghosts and poltergiests, Scully

        doesn't believe me, like usual.

Jay: What she needs is a fatty boom batty blunt! I guarantee she'll see

        ghosts, werewolves, even some of them big-tittie Vampirellas doing

        some of that lesbian shit! LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME, YOU UP-TIGHT 

        BITCH!

---------------------------------

Cancerman: Mulder, Jay. Meet my new henchman: LaFours!

Mulder & Jay: You're fucking dead!

---------------------------------

(Silent Bob and Scully swing out of a old warehouse on a batrope)

---------------------------------

Narrator: X-files: Mallrats, with special guest star: Brodie!

Brodie: (To Mulder and Scully) You two are retarded for each other! 

Narrator: X-files: Mallrats! Right after Mulder She wrote!

===========================================

(The show starts again. The crew is still hanging out on the set when

someone yells "We're back on!". Everyone panics and rushes to their

places. Dick is now talking to Sisko explaining what he saw.)



Dick: He is EEEEEEEEVVVVIIIIILLL!

Sisko: Is not. He's the stations chief of security.

Dick: If he's security then why is there crime on this station?

Sisko: I said he was security, I never said he was good at it.

Dick: I'm not going to be happy until you get rid of him!

Sisko: But I'm not!

Dick: Then...Then....I'll hold my breath 'til I turn blue!

Sisko: You can't. Dax tries that all the time and look what happened to her.

Dax: (With a glazed expression on her face) Happy happy happy. Joy joy joy!

Dick: Good point. But you must! I am the High Commander!

Sisko: Of what?

Dick: I can't tell you.

Sisko: Then I can't help.

Dick: How do I know he won't attack us? Jell-O's hate us and we hate them!

Sisko: Oh come on,  there's always room for Jell-O.



(Dick gasps and runs out of the office flustered. Sisko then stands up, tugs

his vest and looks at the mirror.)



Sisko: I'm GORGEOUS!



(Meanwhile, Bashir and Worf are sitting at a table eating. Worf is talking

about Sally.)



Worf: She has a warriors spirit! She has a smile that lights up a room...Oh,

        and she's taller than Dax.

Bashir: (In shock) Is that possible?

Worf: Oh, baby, yeah. But I don't know what to do about Dax. Should I dump

        her or what?

Bashir: Maybe you don't have to. Have you ever heard of a Menage a trois?

Worf: TROI? (Starts wringing Bashir's scrawny neck.)

Bashir: No, you dolt! Trois! French for three! A threesome!

Worf: Have you ever done one?

Bashir: Oh, yeah. (This causes everyone on the station to laugh out of

        disbelief.) OKAY! I haven't! But see what Dax thinks.

Worf: That'll take all of two seconds. What do I do?

Bashir: Get counseling. (Bashir leaves.)



(Meanwhile, Harry is walking with Leeta when he starts to receive a signal

from the Big Giant Head.)



Harry: Incoming transmission from the Big Giant Head! Remember: Life is like

        a Big Giant Head, piss it off and you'll be destroyed! The Dominion

        has decided to let the Big Giant Head run the whole shebang! The 

        Founders are now second in command! A Jem'Hadar ship will be by 

        to pick you up! Your vacation is over now, so get back to Earth! 

        Resume control in 5...4...3...2...Happy happy happy! Joy joy joy! 

        What did I miss?

Leeta: A Jem'Hadar ship is on its way! I've got to warn Captain Sisko!



(Leeta bounces off)



Harry: I've got to find Dick! (Harry runs off.)



(Leeta runs onto the bridge.)



Leeta: HAWK! Hawk!

Sisko: Not now! I mean, it's Sisko now! What?



(Leeta repeats the entire message word for word with body movements and 

all.)



O'Brien: That is the weirdest thing I've ever seen!

Sisko: Nope, that is! (Points to Dax, who is trying to get out of the

        chinese finger trap.)

Leeta: Now what?

Sisko: IT'S DOMINION ASS KICKING TIME!



(The bridge crew runs to the Defiant and grabs Dick, Harry and Sally to help

clear this parody up.)



All: YEAH RIGHT!

Jesse Glapey: SHUT IT!



(The Defiant flies into the wormhole and comes out right in the middle of a

squad of Jem'Hadar fighters.)



Sisko: Crap!

===========================================

Narrator: Coming soon on UPN, Voyager faces a foe so irritating it'll show

you the meaning of terror!



Ensigns Craig and Ariana: SPARTAN SPIRIT! WHOO HOO HOO HOO! GO  VOYAGER!

Craig: Who's that Ensign cheering with me?

Ariana: It's me! It's me!

Craig: Who's the new Ensign cheering with me?

Kim: It's me! It's me!



(Tuvok brings out  his phaser and obliterates them all)



Narrator: Oops. You saw the ending. No episode tomorrow! Just a rerun of The

Burning Zone!

============================================

(The Jem'Hadar ships have surrounded the Defiant. The crews are planning

rationally.)



Worf: FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!

Sisko: Ah, SHUT IT!

Sally: FIRE, FIRE, FIRE!

Dick: (to Sisko) That's our little angel.

Kira: Captain, the Jem'Hadar are hailing us!

Sisko: Why bother? "You will be destroyed. Assimilated, yadda, yadda, 

        yadda."

Kira: You'll wanna hear this! (Kira puts it on speakers)

Jem'Hadar: MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

O'Brien: Mayday? What's that?

Dax: Mayday? That's the Russian New Year! We'll get floats and big ribbons

        and.....

Sisko: Knock it off! On screen.

Jem'Hadar: (Now on screen)  PLEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSSEEE HELP US! The Big Giant

        head is driving us nuts! We've had better leadership by republicans!

Sisko: Wha?

Jem'Hadar: He's got us cleaning his big giant teeth and big giant ears! And

        then there's Rodman!

All: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kira: Do it again!

Jem'Hadar: Rodman!

All: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Kira: Gives me the chills! Oh-hhh!

Sisko: What do you want us to do?

Jem'Hadar: Get someone to convince the Giant Head to leave the Dominion 

        alone!



(All eyes turn towards Dick)



Dick: What?

Sisko: You know the Big Giant Head!

Dick: Why me?

Sally: You're the High Commander!

Harry: You always get the good assignments!

Sisko: If you talk, I'll get rid of Odo!

Odo: WHAT?

Sisko: (quietly) I've got a plan. Now shaddap and morph into something 

        useful!

Odo: Like a writer?

Bashir: Nope, this parody's already got one and look where this is going!

Jesse: SHUT IT!

Dick: Uh, SURE! Finally we shall rule over the Jell-O's and the Brown

Planet! HA HA!

Dax: HA HA!

Sally: Knock it off, dimwit!

Dax: Who'll make me?

Sally: ME! (Sally tackles Dax sending them onto that holoprojector thing

        that they're now using on the bridge. The fight is now being

        broadcast over space.)

Jem'Hadar1: Twenty dollars on the chick from Hellraiser 3!

Jem'Hadar2: You're on!

Worf: Wait! One will kill the other and I can date the winner! Woo-hoo!

Sally: Die! It is the way of the warrior!

Dax: Hold it! Where did you hear that?

Sally: Worf told it to me when we were fighting!

Dax: He did WHAT?

Worf: Uh-oh.

Sally: He said it before he kissed me!

Dax: HE DID WHAT?

All the men: Uh-Oh!

Sally: What's wrong?

Dax: Worf and I are dating!

Jem'Hadars: Uh-Oh!

Sally: I'm the OTHER WOMAN? You....

Dax: BASTARD!



(Everyone gets a full view of Dax and Sally beating the shit out of Worf.

Hell, Kira joins in too!)



Sisko: Now for something completely different! Dick!

Bashir: What?

Sisko: Not that kind of dick! High Commander!

Dick: Oh. I'm on! Is my hair okay?

Sisko: What hair?

Dick: SILENCE! You don't have hair either!

Sisko: But my hair loss was by choice!

Dick: BAH! Jem'Hadar! Greetings! (Dick does that greeting thing with his 

        hands.)

Jem'Hadar: Argh. Greetings, High Commander. (Replies by doing the same 

        thing.)

Dick: Patch me through to the Big Giant Head!

(The Jem'Hadar does it. and the Big Giant Head pops on screen. It looks a

        lot like Bill Gates)

Big Giant Head: Hello, "Dick". What is your status?

Dick: People are unhappy, your bigness!

BGH: Then cancel 'Suddenly Susan'!

Dick: That's not what I mean! The Dominion doesn't want to be ruled by you.

BGH: So?

Sisko: Pardon me, but listen Orson...

BGH: Big Giant Head.

Sisko: Whatever. If the Dominion ends up being unhappy then they take it out

        on the Federation! And there's only so many cool CGI fight scenes

        we can do in one season!

Rick Berman: Tell me about it.

All: SHUT IT!

BGH: Hmm. You give a good sound reason and because the hour's almost up, I

        agree. The Dominion is now  free from the rule of the Big Giant

        Head. Thank you and good day. 



(The Big Giant Head dissappears to be replaced by the Jem'Hadars, dancing

the dance of joy.)

Jem'Hadars: Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey! Thanks and good night! We'll be here all

        year!



(The Jem'Hadars sign off and warp away.)



Sisko: Let's go home. 

Harry: Is the show over?

Bashir: Nope. We have one more commercial break then we wrap up the story

        for good.

Harry: Oh. When is the commercial br-----------

===========================================

Narrator: Coming soon to FOX! A brand new series focusing on the hippest new

gang to rock their way to your hearts! The Kromaggs!

Kromaggs:  Here we come...

               Walking down the street...

               Get the funniest looks from...

               Everyone we meet...

               Hey, hey, we're the Kromaggs!

               We're here to conquer the world!

               But we're to busy sliding...

               To be even seen or heard!

Narrator: Yes, join D'vy, M'cky, P'ter and M'ke as they rock from world to

        world! Only on FOX! Special guest stars the Sliders and Suzanne

        Somers! Right after Frank Black sings the blues!

===========================================

(Back on the station, Dick, Sally, Harry are about to head back to Earth and

have met Sisko, Bashir, O'Brien, Kira, Dax and a freshly beaten Worf at the

docking bay.)



Dick: Well have you gotten rid of that Jell-O man?

Sisko: Oh yeah. Yeah. He, uh,  got flushed down a toilet! Yeah, that's the

ticket!

Dick: Then we'll leave as per our deal. (Dick boards the Bonneville.)

Dax: (quietly to Sisko) They aren't that bright, are they?

Sisko: Whatever. Count to five.

Dax: One...two...three...OWWWWW!

Sisko: Heh heh.

Harry: Leeta my love, I must go!

Leeta: Harry, I'm dumping you for Urkel.

Urkel: Did I do heeeeeeer?

Harry: In that case, bye! (Harry runs on board the Bonneville.)

Sally: Bye, Dax. Glad we could have that talk while beating Worf.

Dax: Me too.

Sally: Bye, Worf. (Kicks him in the groin)

Worf: She must have wide feet, she got both of 'em! (Worf passes out)

Dick: Wait! Where's Tommy?



(Tommy rushes up with lipstick all over him and ripped clothes.)



Tommy: I LOVE the holosuites! Don't ever lose them! (Tommy gets on the

        Bonneville)

DS9 Crew: We won't! 



(The Bonneville leaves and the crew breathes a sigh of relief. Odo the

morphs from a comm pin to himself.)



Odo: That was your plan?

Sisko: What did you expect? The corbomite maneuver?



(The crew laughs and then freezes a la Police Squad. Quark walks up and 

sees the crew.)



Quark: Buncha weirdos.



The End!