"I Just Can't Wait to be King"

The scene: A hastily and shoddily erected platform with gaudy red and green banners draped everywhere, and a blood red show curtain. A sign stands near the front of the platform reading:

"The AMAZING Rory & Dover, the Dancing Cheetah!" in big red letters at the top "Also in this show, Jada, the Dog-Faced Leather Grrrl" in smaller flourescent green letters below the title "Announcer, the FANTABULOUS Lazlo!" in the smallest letters of all at the bottom in red again.

The curtain rustles and out steps Lazlo, resplendant in his red livery, a fool's cap perched on his head. He steps to one side, where everyone can see him clearly enough, but so he won't get in the way of the action. "Hear ye, hear ye!" he calls out gaily. "The AMAZING Rory & Dover the Dancing Cheetah are here to please you, tittilate you, en-ter-TAIN you! For only a modest fee of one silver crown you can hear Rory's silver tongue sing to you in ALL languages! You can see Dover's Dance Steps, and watch him do the rarest of all dances, the MRRRRRRRR MAMBO! You can see the Dog-Faced GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRL eat razor blades! All for only one silver crown, folks, just ONE SILVER CROWN!"

People line up like mad to see this show, practically shoving their coins into Lazlo's hands.

After everyone has paid up, a silence comes over the audience. Lazlo raises an arm, and slowly lowers it...as he lowers it the curtain raises up and a faint drum beat can be hear. The curtain slowly reveals a shoddily painted backdrop of a jungle. Half-naked elven women prance about in the background, only the barest of leaves covering their essential womanly parts. The drum beat swells, growing louder, and flutes and pan pipes start to accompany them giving a melody to this tune...

Onto the stage steps Rory, wearing a tawny cat-skin suit with a huge stuffed stomach, a tin crown perched on his head. Painted on the crown in red letters are the words "Most Holy Rory". From the other side of the stage steps a sleek cheetah, a collar around his neck encrusted with diamonds and sapphires.

Without further ado, Rory starts to sing...

"I'm gonna be a greedy king
So taxpayers beware"

Dover, the DANCING cheetah, does a quick jig as Rory sings, and then adds his own voice next (a voice much richer and deeper than Rory's):

"Well, I've never seen a king of elves
With quite so red of hair"

In the background, the elven women softly ooze and writhe, echoing softly "with quite so red of hair"...

Rory sings again, gesturing grandly as he does so:

"I'm gonna be the main event
Like no Brandite was before
I'm brushing up on paying out
I'm working on my war"

Dover steps forward, a side paw step, and almost knocks over Rory. Rory looks at him angrily, a false smile plastered on his features. Dover sings, holding out a paw to Rory:

"Thus far, I haven't seen a thing"

Rory almost kicks the cheetah, but covers his momentarily loss of his temper smoothly. With an even BIGGER smile (so you know it must be authentic), he steps in front of the cheetah, singing:

"Oh, I just can't wait to be king!"

At this point, Jada in a little studded black leather bikini dances out. She is not dog-faced, but wears a mask made of fox fur. She is pierced everywhere, and all manner of sharp implements hang from either her skin or her bikini. Her assets are a wonder to behold and the crowd oooo's appreciately. She scowls at them, and bounces out to join Rory center stage, in front of the cheetah.

Rory sings again, looking over to Jada with his fake grin still,

"No one saying do this"

Jada complements his singing, squeaking out:

"No one saying be there"

Rory again, leering over her and dropping her a suggestive wink,

"No one saying *stop that*"

Jada "accidentally" backhands Rory with a grand sweeping gesture, throwing her arms up into the air so her assets jiggle more,

"No one saying SEE HERE"

Both of them now, taking a step back from each other, almost like cats circling:

"Free to run around all day
Free to do it all MY way..."

Rory gets swiped from behind by Dover the Dancing Cheetah by Dover's front paw, and Jada gets her tail snapped by Dover's tail right smartly. Rory grabs the assaulted leg and starts hopping up and down, swearing, while Jada grabs her assaulted tail, and scowls at the cat. Dover sings...

"I think it's time that you and I
Arranged a heart to heart"

Rory sings back, looking about for his sword...or at the least a whip and chair.

"Kings don't need advice
From little cat-steaks for a start"

Lazlo, seeing all this and realizing he forgot the props, cheerfully hands Rory a large sword. Painted on it with huge green letters are the words: "Mrrr Tamer 2000". Rory grabs the sword and advances menacingly on the cheetah. Dover doesn't back down, and retorts,

"If this is where the monarchy is headed
Count me out
Out of service, out of Amber
I wouldn't hang about"

Dover turns to the audience with a heartfelt plea,

"Why, this child cannot even sing..."

Rory smacks the cheetah with the fake sword, and Dover dashes offstage. Rory turns to the audience triumphant, singing,

"Oh, I just can't WAIT to be king..."

At this point, Jada snatches the sword from Rory and bonks HIM over the head with it. Rory reels wildly, hands thrashing out comically...and just happens to snatch the top off of Jada. She shrieks with rage, and jumps on him.... Lazlo ogles her lazily from the sidelines... the audience erupts into laughter... and the softly writhing elven maids from the background scamper delightfully from the stage to comfort the poor wronged cheetah with murmurings and soft kitties treats...not to mention a can of whipped cream.

The stage hand, Dunstree, rolls his eyes and shuts the curtain.

This text is copyright © Lana Gjovig; "Amber" is copyright © Roger Zelazny; "Amber" the diceless RPG is copyright © Phage Press. No copyright infringement is intended.

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