ALLEN UNKERR IN A SNIT

He was recently seen at the gates to the Trinity Embassy in Haven with a placard, wearing three pairs of socks and having a fish skeleton stuck into his beard. "DOWN with the dirty infiltrators, that DON'T work to undermine our morals and rights, and over throw our haute borgeiose culture. You won't take Matilda so the deal is OFF!" In return someone inside the embassy wearing a hazmat suit used a firehose to drive Unkerr back. His socks shrunk four sizes and he was seen to totter off, the Haven Hazardous Waste Disposal Unit still has the area cordoned off decontaminating it.

BOTANY?

Prince George has admitted to a love of botany, by admitting to his kin that he's 'always peachy or minty'. So what sort of mint is growing behind high walls? Since the new variant of 9LivesToLive has hit the market, just recently, one has to wonder.... if brewed into tea it also affects humans in much the same way as it does members of the various feline sects. Peaches? If it was easily makeable into a liqueur, it would give Trillium Black a serious run for the gold crowns. [stock photo of Prince George]

CHOCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS or ONE THING the BLONDE DOOFUS DOES RIGHT!

It has come to our attention that a number of the sons of Random are inclined to problems of facial eruptions (note: not the opening of their mouths and inserting feet, that is for another article). Martin the flagship of those sorry losers, is well known for his greasy chunky pasty-ness and a face that could shame a pizza. It seems that another scion, the low born but much gentler blooded Archie, is of the same bend. He was recently heard to refuse chocolate in Haven, citing that it makes him sport the same sort of countenance. By most careful review of archives, we have pictures of both of these poor unfortunates, and indeed, they suffer. [picture of heavy Marlon Brando-esque Martin with serious acne all over; and a picture of a young Archie also pizza faced] Despite extensive records of the other living scion of the line, nothing could be found of that sort. [very tiny picture] God creator Carl actually did something right??? Tune in next week when we confirm that lambs lie down with the wolves and Haven allows onions on their pizza!

[bottom of page has a strip ad for Industrial Strength ZittBeGone in large quantity containers, and a cleansing pad that looks like it would go on a car-waxing buffer and was cut out of a green scotch-brite pad]

LORD MAGE XANTHUS WATCH

It seems he can't get enough of that brain and tooth rotting gummy foul candy, jelly babies. Woe to Prince Bishop in about a week, when the Lord Mage gets his first good toothache, or comes down with diabetes. It seems that with magic to keep it full, there is now a golden pail in the Lord Mage's private quarters brimming over with the gooey stuff. Even worse, Prince Bishop, fear the wrath of his sister the Good Queen; and then the wrath of The King for vexing our Good Queen. Go sign up to be Prince Rory's cabin boy or something, that would be much safer. [stock photo of Prince Bishop]

PRINCESS ALEXIS AND PRINCE RORY

It seems that the royals have insatiable drives and absolutely NO morals, so typical. These two have lived up to all the expectations for ones of their ilk...it is on very good authority from the palace that Princess Alexis has brought her illegitimate whelp from that rogue Prince Rory to the castle, the better to Flaunt The Fact under The King's very nose! And they say Prince Rory has the gall, audacity and brass. Indeed. Even Prince Laszlo could tell her lineage, and seems to be enamored. [Picture of Princess Alexis stock photo, picture of Prince Rory stock photo, and a photo in between them of some redhead, later identifiable as Princess Breyd...]

LORD IAN HOLLAND CALLS IT LIKE HE SEES IT

Evidence of wild lavicious parties at the Royal Palace continue. Fried chicken buckets of french fries, chocolate, and slurpees served in golden pails have taken their toll. Even a creation can take only so much. It's rumored the ruddy wolf has been crated and put on a diet by no less than the Twister itself...and that would be the only thing in the Creation of Haven able to hold the chunky lupus. Nights of debauchery with no less than the master of grease, Martin; has disgusted even Ian Holland who was forced to take part in some of the debacle, by being made to refill and hold the slurpee pails. "I've seen some really disgusting things, but this has taken the cake. There is nothing so sorry to see as a rolling tub of cellulite in wolf fur...unless it is the Pimple from the Arse of Amber seeing how many fries he can cram into his mouth with both hands. I wish Twister would have crated Martin and sent him back to Terrorami or wherever that sorry sawed off drunken skirt and trouser chasing lout crawled to." After this statement Lord Ian Holland was given a large shot of thorazine and merasha to calm his tremors and he was led off by the big hulking guys in the white outfits to spend time in rubber room lala land. [stock photo of Lord Ian Holland]

HOAX UNCOVERED ON Abay

A very hot auction has been closed down on the ever popular A-bay auction service after investigation proved it to be a very clever scam. The item # 453223851, "kleenix in a plasticine envelope, the verifiable last traces of Prince Rory; along with a copy of the video of the event that led to his present state." To highest bidder, auction was to close in seventeen days. "Note to bidders, all bids must be submitted in Thelbane Pounds gold. Current bid increments are one thousand pounds gold. Cancellation of submitted bids have been cancelled so be absolutely sure before submitting your bid. Current high bid is 4,381,000 pounds; 785 bids... DNA analysis from three independent labs, full reports included." The video was apparently supposed to contain a long fight where Prince Gerard, upholding his daughter Princess Alexis' honor, cornered the rogue and proceeded to hasten his demise. Anyone who has bid on this auction is asked to contact Abay concerning cancelling their bid, the authorities warn this must be done or the auction house is due their share of the highest bid still on record. It is clearly obvious that Prince Rory is still alive and with us. [stock photo of Prince Rory, a copy of the posted photo of the bloody kleenix]

LORD BADGER TO WED

It's true. We have proof that Haven Palace has arranged the wedding of the millennium...he will be making the ultimate sacrifice for god-creator, country, and personal honor. Princess Matilda of Haven has been one of the most eligible socialites on those fair shores for some time. Her recent absence has been due to her 'reeducation' at Queen Tabitha's Ygg School of Matronly Skills to make her fit for her new role as rolemodel, as a modern married crown princess and heir. And as a wedding present to the lovely couple, a deal is in the works to appoint Princess Matilda as queen of Northern Ireland, EP. A crew and squad of crack Haven elite forces are currently searching for the lucky groom, Lord Badger. Who has been last spotted near the Abyss with his hair tinted with Miss Clarol #112[dark red] going 'Is it Beltane yet? Please, is it Beltane yet?' [Picture of Lord Badger stock photo, picture of Princess Matilda, stock photo]

[Advert at right side of page for a 'love boat cruise' by a minor Haven cruise line (they don't leave Haven waters) ]

AH IT MUST BE SPRING

Lord Davis to wed. We have been following him for weeks as he's been frolicking in the 9livesToLive catnip patch with a certain sweet thing. A recent immigrant to Amber City, a sweet flame point siamese by the name Burma Weyland. The Devil of Haven hasn't even caught on yet, why suddenly his Mrr Chancellor is suddenly relishing going to Amber City for reasons of diplomatic relations between The King and Neuvo Sangre. It's said that it is a wrong-side-of-the-tracks-affair, as she is NOT a Mrr, but an import from some obscure backwaters shadow. Rumor is strong that the enlopement shall be not far off. [stock picture of Davis reclining on a pillow]

COLMAR IS BROKE

It seems he can't get enough of those wonderful pushy snotty upfront Mecklenburg women...most notably Katrina. It seems she's had yet another of his growing brood of that line. He's somewhere outside of Trinity, as they have a lot on his head for the child support payments that have been awarded against him. And to add to his studmuffinliness it's rumored that the Meck women have contributed and set up a new pleasure palace near the Trinity Royal Palace, with a place of honor reserved for him. [stock photos of Colmar, Katrina, Sarah, and Heidi]

[advert at bottom for Katrina's Kinky Kitcsch, a naughty lingere and xxx shop with an address in the Trinity capital: To the poor souls unfortunately stuck in Haven, we offer a full line of products for the closeted sex liker! Sex! Yes! Sex. Trinity has sex, we enjoy sex, and sex is not shameful. Not like in Haven where you can't have sex, you're shamed if you do, and it's doubted you enjoy it. All products discreetly sent in plain wrappers through a non Trinity local mail point. ]

PRINCESS BREYD HIRED

It's official, The King has finally tired of looking at his ugly sour secretary. "It's over, you're history." or so it's said. A snivelling Balaam was unavailable for commentary, as he drug several duffels of leather harnesses and fur lined cuffs away. The lovely charming readheaded newcomer Princess Breyd has just arrived in Amber City and already is turning heads. She certainly is easier on the eyes. One of the King's procurers, Princess Alexis seems to have also taken to the little princess right off; and it was a done deal before Breyd left the docks on arrival from wherever The King had her secreted and groomed. [photo mirror reversed of one used above of Princess Breyd]

[two page advert for JOCKO St.SINCLAIR'S Catering and Banquet Hall. Have your Next Event In Style. We Do Weddings. Come Out and Deb In Style. (text on a picture of a converted steel prefab building interior with large bar at one end, strobes and blacklights, and otherwise not exactly the classiest. Mr. S is in his typical goth outfit, but has a red bowtie on and is holding a small waiter's tray with a bottle of beer, open, on it. One of those wedding white silk flower things lays on tray also. Address and number for somewhere in Haven City]

LOVE CHILD

And it's not who you think. Much digging has brought forth the birth certificate of one Abigail, well known around Amber City. It seems she's slightly mistaken. Not the love child of The King; but not far from the throne after all. It seems that she is Prince Caine's with some denizen of the docks in a Golden Circle port. The King had her brought to Amber City, to keep his dutiful son in line. In the meantime she has not been told about her place and at this point probably would not understand it anyway. [photo of recent appearance of Abigail with the popcorn and in the gutter]

[advert, left column edge, temporary agency specializing in 'escorts' address somewhere in the docks, Amber City]

PRINCESS ZARIYA IN TRYST

With Prince Laszlo no less. She takes late rides along the new postal roads, burns her pass contemptuously in front of the highway guards, and spends days in custody. Tisk, tisk. [stock picture of Princess Zariya]

STILL MORE GOINGS ON

Prince Rubrick seems to be a favorite pasttime. Remember that cube with different colored faces that drove everyone crazy? Well it seems he's gone for the 'little boy look' with velvet and dressing jacket. It's sure that several of his uncles have taken note. Good thing you're not Prince Gerard's, or the rumor about Prince Rory might actually come true. [photo of Prince Rubrick in late 19th century velvet with lace cravat and at cuffs, beyond can be seen Prince Caine sitting at a table.]

AMAZONS EVERYWHERE

First Princess Alexis. If nothing else, who else can look Prince Rory in the eye literally, and doesn't flinch either? How about the warrior Princess Sabine? What IS that thing she rides? Perhaps Prince Rory is saving up, as he likes bookends...two with black hair and blue eyes. Hm. [pair of photos, head to foot, of Princess Alexis in a cloak and wearing dark blue gauntlets, and Princess Sabine wearing black and bright blue gauntlets...]

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO

Or the amazon in training? Princess Scherazade, in the shadow of one of the towering princesses. Or could it be that that tower's brother is more to the liking? There is something to be said for monk's garb, and it's also nice to have an office in the castle and elsewhere, is it not? The Lord Mayor Dunstree is hiring...heh, yeah, that's it. [picture of Princess Scherazade, picture of Prince Dunstree in monk's robes]

ANYONE MISSING A PRINCESS? OR TWO?

These two have not been seen in a long time. If you see either one return her to the castle, they might be missing one. [pictures of Princess Jessa and Princess Jada in their court dresses]

ANYONE MISSING A PRINCE?

This one hasn't been seen either in a long time. Hm, perhaps there's a connection? [picture of Prince Jared in his court outfit]

[Advert at bottom of page: Rinny's Pizza Palace. Open late. Will deliver to the castle (extra fee applies, triple if the King's Standard is up) Take advantage of our specials: The Princess, everything and extra cheese on a thick crust. Prince Martin, onions, green peppers, black olives, italian sausage, anchovies. (coupons)]

Last words:

Prince Gucometz: "Not that I give a fetid goat what Katz thinks..."
Prince Dunstree: "Corrupting Laszlo is like gilding a lily.

And there you have it. Another edition of all the news that's there.

This text is copyright © Craig Lucas; "Amber" is copyright © Roger Zelazny; "Amber" the diceless RPG is copyright © Phage Press. No copyright infringement is intended.

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