The Court of Oberon is once again gearing up for another Green Room Court and a flurry of activities on the docks heralds the arrival of more of the little bastards.

The first Lamb to the Slaughter...

Oh, dear, did I say that out loud? I meant to say Misplaced Get of the Royals, really.

At any rate, this crop started off looking harmless with the rather bewildered looking Valerie. A little investigating reveals her previous life as, of all things, an ICE SKATER. Poor child. They are going to eat her alive. Make friends fast, Valerie. Choose wisely.

Of course Alexis was there to meet her. With a wagon, of all things. How tacky. Though what can one expect of a female that pulls flasks of liquor out of her boots? She is her father's child.

Another new arrival was Witless...er...Whitley. Between calling all the females he encountered 'girls', insulting the Harbor Master, the Lord Mayor and Rory and Laszlo to some extent and, drawing the ire of the usually unflappable Aura (who is dressing more appropriately these days-though we can't decide if we approve or not), it's a wonder he actually lived long enough to make it to the castle, despite several warnings about his behavior. Clueless.

Whitley, this point is worth dwelling on given its incomprehensible magnitude. We cannot believe how incredibly clueless you are. So clueless that it goes way beyond the clueless we know into a whole different dimension of cluelessness. Cluelessness collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Cluelessness so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularly, extraordinarily, incredibly, bewilderingly clueless. Daisy and Lucky? What kind of names are those for Hellhounds, you idiot? We doubt you could find a clue in a field of clues during clue mating season.

Our condolences go out to Prince Julian. My god. We have never seen such a bounty of prime genetic material ("Cher" being our previous example of Good Genes Gone Bad) go so terribly wrong. Tell us something: Was his mother, you know, lacking in the smarts department? Well, beyond the obvious. Having made a trip to the much touted Atlantis recently to see if it was indeed all that Aura said it was, we offer you the following: You should have taken more trips to Atlantis and paid more attention.

Reports of love letters flying back and forth between King Jason of NS and that whelp of Caine, Scherazade. This was after Fiona had intercepted not one, but two gifts, from Cher to Bleys. Let's put aside the fact that Fiona doesn't seem to think her brother can take care of himself (although we are left to wonder why she hasn't done something about his drooling over that Jasra hussy) and focus on the not too bright one for a moment. Cher, dear, we are breathless that anyone or anything in our universe can really be this stupid. You are a primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of stupidity that we know. A behemoth, a leviathan, a colossus of stupidity. Buy a clue. Then buy a language instructor. You sound like Mojo Jojo.

That out of the way, we also witnessed the arrival of a Jeddi among the ranks of Royal bastards. We are not sure what to make of this one. Rory, on a nightmare of a horse, did seem to take offense at being labeled 'nice enough' by the new arrival. We can see his point. Nice is not a word we would have attached to Sabine's squeeze and the father of her many rumored bastards either. We are certain with exposure the young Jeddi will change his opinion, Rory. Your reputation as a cruel and heartless bastard will remain intact.

Amber's Lord Mayor was also in attendence for the arrival of Whitley, as was the notorious ladies man, Laszlo. We were momentarily startled at the news that Aura and her half brother Laszlo carried on flirtatously with one another, but then we realized one could hardly expect anything else from those two. Though they did both look absolutely fabulous.

When last seen, Breyd was *skipping* up to the castle, linked arm in arm with Whitley, a 300 pound cat, and Local Demon Lutterkin, singing "We're off to See the Monarch.", Whitley's two "Hellhounds" scampering along after them.

Based on these new arrivals alone, the fallout should be spectacular.

CHRISTMAS IN HAVEN

Word has it that Breyd recently showed her ass at a Christmas celebration in Haven. This is Amber's Ambassador to Haven's Court? This reporter would have not been surprised if the hair pulling and claws had come out, but, alas, they did not. As frighteningly inappropriate as her behavior was, it was the most exciting thing that happened all night.

We won't even get into her tearing through the streets of Amber on horseback like a demon and other astounding behaviours in Amber proper.

By the way, Breyd. Interesting way to have your hair styled. Fashion by Fire. But may we suggest a hairdresser who actually has all their fingers next time? And don't do things by halves. We are disappointed. Oh, but congratulations on your recent marriage to Allen Unkeer. Such a charming and romantic ceremony too, though it was a little rushed. People are going to suspect the obvious, you know.

The party was also the first public appearance in Haven of one Christina of Mecklenberg, Breyd's opponent in the previously mentioned battle. We just have to ask: Does your dictionary include the word "subtle"? After all but ripping off her clothes and sprawling herself spread eagle at the feet of a mortified Prince Bleys, she later tried to deny throwing herself at him. Our eyes do not roll far enough back in our heads for that one. Another piece of advice for you, Chrissy-don't get into a fight that you cannot win and you, we have judged, couldn't win in a fight with Breyd on the verbal field and we seriously have our doubts about any other. As you did in Haven, have backup to haul you out of a losing battle.

There was also a secret meeting of some sort going on: That tart Jasra-bedwarmer to the masses-met with Bleys (who seems to wants his brothers sloppy seconds...thirds...fourths...desperately), Benedict (is the only place he has a spine on the field of battle? Yeesh. Sad.), Deirdre (no surprise.). Oh, to have been a fly on that wall. We wonder what in the world Oberon thinks of these shenanigans or if, perhaps, he has reasons of his own for letting this sort of shameful sucking up to a woman who should have been executed continue.

A dark haired, elffin eared woman showed up quietly and seemed to be enjoying the floor show that was going on at the time. She was overheard to say she was Kelric's niece-let's hope she doesn't share that side of the family's sticky fingers. A little snooping around further yeilded her parental heritage. Seems she is the daughter of Merlin, former King of Thelbane. Does Corwin know he's a great-grandfather yet again? Very little else is known about her though.

The rest of the gathering was much the usual silliness, sucking up and biting *yawn* wit of Haven.

*****

We will be bringing you more Outrageous! biting truths as more of the Royal bastards make their appearances in Amber. We are simply breathless with anticipation.

This text is copyright © ?? (only Craig knows who's writing this..); "Amber" is copyright © Roger Zelazny; "Amber" the diceless RPG is copyright © Phage Press. No copyright infringement is intended.

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