With those incompetents who are on the Haven Broadcasting Corporation payroll called Weekly Creation News, forgetting their alphabet, it is incumbent upon us at the NMS to show the credible journalism that the people of Creation expect combined with low prices, astrology reports, prophecies and coupons.

Prince Rory to Wed Princess Matilda of Haven

It is unofficial but King Oberon of Amber is expected at Amber's Yuletide, called Unicorn Days, to announce the news that his grandson Rory will wed Princess Matilda of Haven. The Haven Palace denies such rumours though palace insiders admitted,"If Oberon wanted to have Matilda marry one of his princes, we would have her in a pet box so fast on the first railway to Amber or oxcart if that is the only means of transportation. Prince Rory is expected to resume his life of piracy under guise of being assigned lettres de marque. No report from Haven Palace what Princess Matilda would wear to such a wedding.

Princess Mara is an Extraterrestrial

Reports out of the prestigious the Princess Lily Faculty of Weird Science in Haven City report that a secret report penned by Prince Bailey Reinhard Luitpold Arnold Heinrich Gustaf Valentine Bunny Bariman Von Mecklenberg und Finndohaus of Trinity, says that Princess Mara was born in a galaxy long long ago and far far away. She was reportedly the commander of the craft that abducted Lord Achmed Fitzhelgram and force fed him liverwurst sandwhiches and made him love dressing in black. Princess Mara is expected to be turning into a butterfly by spinning a coccoon around herself that is pink with bright yellow polkadots.

Prince Duncetree is guilty of Simony

Prince Duncetree of Amber was notorious for making loads of cash with his religious hypocracy that was tuned for making lead into gold through devotion. The Amber official was notorious for selling up to 30,000 indulgences per day and accepting cash and jewels for the removal of curses hexes and imprecations that he laid on people extortionistically without remourse. The Prince has a 500 room palace in Trinity City and an even larger palace in Thelbane. He is seeking to build a new ways there... What else? Dunstreeways.

Princess Zariya Tips to Stay Alive in the Desert

Princess Zariya presented her advice on better desert living to the Carpenter's Guild of Amber yesterday where she presented her Top Ten Tips:

10. Always wear clean underwear. You never know who may see it if you get run over by a passing red convertible.

9. Drink water. There are no 7-11's in the desert plus slurpees make you thirsty.

8. Eat Salt. Pretend you are a cow. Unless you are Princess Crystal in which case, why pretend. Salt tastes good and the licks come in many pretty colours with favourites being blue and pink. Rory likes the green ones.

7. Try to not breathe through your mouth. It loses water. Use duct tape to keep your mouth closed. Use lots of duct tape to keep Laszlo's mouth closed. Three Rolls minimum.

6. Don't eat yellow snow. If you find yellow snow in the desert it is either dusty in which case its ok or its near a dog pound. Not a good idea.

5. Don't read the Weekly Creation News. It will burn your eyes out and make you go blind. WCN will also induce painful sunstroke inspired deaths. Ten out of ten of the volunteers who walked for three weeks without water in the Mojave desert in EP died. All of them had WCN papers in their pockets to read.

4. Don't park in the fire hydrant. You will get a ticket, stupid. If you park in the reserved zone, it is a life imprisonment offence in Trinity. Death in Imperial America.

3. Wear clothes that look good with red. Cause that's how your skin is going to be. Lobster Boy Red. Redder than Kelson's hair. Redder than Bleys eyes on a Monday morning. Freddy's of New London says that blues go well with red. Black especially for a blond is good only if you are Osric or live in Trinity.

2. No ugly hats. Hats in the desert are ok but if you wear a goofy hat you may be mocked by the camels and vulturers will fly over you and point. If your hat has vegetables on it, it may rot or dry up prematurely. It is your own damned fault for wearing a horrendous hat.

1. Read the National Midnight Star. For these and other tips. Princess Zariya says the NMS is hers and her grandfather Oberon's main source of reading material.

This text is copyright © Craig Lucas; "Amber" is copyright © Roger Zelazny; "Amber" the diceless RPG is copyright © Phage Press. No copyright infringement is intended.

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