"I am Cow," the hollering of a voice, quoting a song from Moxy Fruvos,"Hear me moo." calls an angry and near hysterical person who barges in from a side door interrupting Court.

Oberon sighs and looks to his Lord Chamberlain, "Nicolo,Who let that crazy banshee in?"

Nicolo sniffs, maintaining a placid expression. "Whoever did is going to enjoy a freshly-opened can of whoop-ass in about five minutes."

"Enjoy away."Oberon snarls irritably,"I hate my events interrupted. What do they think this is? A tea in Haven City?"

"Or one of Kelric's pool parties, more likely," sighs Nicolo.

As he steps away from the throne he is heard to mutter, "Damn crazies, the staff think they're gonna get genital warts if they stop them. . ."

Mad Abigail is still making her away at this point away from the few servants trying to grab him.

Abigail is a dark haired hefty woman with greying hair and a dowager hump, She is in a raggedy dress and a desparate lunatic demeanour dominates her face. Her odour is less than pleasant and her manner is rude and common.

"I am cow, eating grass, methane gas coming out my..." Mad Abigail caterwauls as she rushes forward to the velvet rope that separate the inner court from the rest of the Chamberlain.

"I am Abigail," she says shaking off some other madness,"I am a Princess of Amber. I am your daughter, Oberon of Amber. Daddy, I knitted you some red socks for Christmas."

"I gave them away to my worthless uncle Suhuy,"Oberon says caustically.

"You will listen to me!" She stomps her feet and smashing a few of the onlookers drinking vessels "I will be heard. I am a Princess of Amber and your beloved daughter. Let me walk the pattern."

"It will destroy you, Goodwoman Abigail. You are not my daughter." Oberon says with marked patience. "Now leave or I will have Nicolo hurl you back out into the gutter where you belong."

"Come on, toots," grins Nicolo. "We're all full-up on crazies here, thanks."

She turns on Nicolo and her face goes white in horror,"Oh my stars! It is wicked Nicolo. I am not going to walk down the stairs with you!"

She starts to howl in fear and terror,"He burned down the castle!" she shouts and yells,"Don't you people know what this devil is? This is Nicolo the Black!"

Nicolo raises his hands and wiggles his fingers menacingly, like claws.

"Oooga booga! I'll grind yer bones to make my croissants."

Mad Abigail turns and faces Nicolo,"*I* DEMAND to be treated with courtesy and respect, you evil man. You are clearly in the wrong."

"And you are clearly a half-dozen tacos short of a combo platter," he mutters.

She giggles restlessly,"You are an evil man and you sell ancient porn magazines. Seutonius wrote a chapter about you and your book service to Tiberius Drusus Caesar."

"You were the one who hanged Mrs. O'Leary's Cow for the burning of Chicago when you did it." she starts to howl passionately,"Oh those red flames lapping up the stables and hay. Poor Chicago."

She turns to Nicolo and slaps him across the face,"That cow was your best friend. She stuck by you through thick and thin. She gave you milk and cheese. She gave you yoghurt and her kind brown eyes made you less lonely when you were hiding from Sheriff Orrin."

"Oh baby, and those hips, those soft warm hips," Nicolo added. "You, baby, are a grade A nutjob."

She screams,"You are after my body. You are lusting after my body."

Then she looks at him and starts flirting with him,"I think you have nice hips too."

Oberon sighs,"She did the same to me with Nero and his fiddle over Rome in 65 AD."

"How could you be so rude to that fiddle Dear Father?" Abigail turns and ignores Nicolo and starts to wail.

"ever since Jasra hanged my husband I have so few friends and I am so lonely, Father." Abigail falls to her knees again and starts to plead...

"Shut up," Oberon snarls,"I am not nor have I ever been your father, mad woman. I do not care if Max of Corellium thinks you are my daughter. I am not."

Oberon then snorts,"As for friends, as Thomas More told me before Henry Tudor signed his death warrant, they are illusions, they just let you down."

"People! Listen to me!" she shouts as she makes a sign against an evil eye with her index and little finger at him,"The Devil of Amber is back!"

"I never left, toots," Nicolo grunts, still trying to angle her out the door. "On the other hand, that schyster Balaam. . ."

"Balaam is a good man who served Oberon nobly. Oberon snipes and picks and gripes about such a good man." Abigail wails."Does not anyone want to stand with me against my father's injustices or will you be silent while he rampages on his bloody assize."

"He smells like feet," Nicolo asserts.

"Nicolo get rid of her. Don't hurt her though." Oberon says,"If she gets dirtier than she is, that is not anyone's fault. Let her roll around in her own mud. If any princes choose to get dirty that is their fault."

Abigail starts chanting,"I am cow, I am cow, I've got gas. I am cow, here I stand. Far and wide across this land. I am living everywhere, from NS to Cymnealand...."

She then stops waiting to see what Nicolo will do,"Can't we all just be a happy family again?" "Sure thing. Why not. Let's get a little food into you and see if that doesn't rearrange your seratonin uptake a bit. Then we can talk about whatever the birds are telling you this week."

He gestures to the door, but does not touch her.

She wards against him,"Don't touch me. I am a Princess of Amber. I am Oberon's beloved scion."

"I am a Princess of Amber you know!" she calls out as she nervously produces two rusty knitting needles at Nicolo,"Get back. These are needles of Blackheart Slaying! Ten hit points if you touch them!"

"I just got a tetnus booster, so go pound," he replies, swatting the needles out her hands. "Now let's go find you someplace quiet and dark and a nice aluminum hat to keep out the transmissions."

"I am not nuts," Abigail says,"That is Jardis Unkerr who has the aluminium fetish."

The knitting needles topple to the floor,"Father! Is that how you treat your daughter! Max of Corellium is my best friend and he will attack Amber if you tell him to!" She babbles nonsensibly.

"Then you can crawl inside his blue sack and knock down juiceberries until the voices in your head stop yelling for you to run into traffic," Nicolo says tartly. "Come on. Time to go visit the pillow room."

"I love pillows." She tells Nicolo then adds, dreamily,"Do you like juiceberries?"

She starts on another tangent,"I am a Princess of Amber and Oberon is my father though he is wicked and throws dead babies on tank treads."

"Did you know that Oberon thinks I am his most beautiful daughter and that I won Miss Golden Circle for the last ten years." she says as she walks with Nicolo then she turns to everyone and says,"The war with Amber and Chaos offends me, "CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?"

"HUH?" she adds for emphasis.

This text is copyright © Craig Lucas and Bob Corrigan; "Amber" is copyright © Roger Zelazny; "Amber" the diceless RPG is copyright © Phage Press. No copyright infringement is intended.

Please click to go back to:

Zariya: Equinox

This page hosted by Get your own Free Home Page