Disclaimer and notes at the end. It will help if you have read the TAPSLAUGHT and Operation: Ultimate Writer SC round robins. Just so that you know, I've obtained permission from Timesprite to MiST her story. Don't flame her for the story, 'kay? Because if I EVER find out that you do, God help me, even the mighty power of Marvel Retcon[tm] cannot save you. Rated PG-13 for language and innuendo. MYSTERY SUBREALITY THEATRE 3000 *Showing tonight* "Claire's Confusion" *Original by* Timesprite *MiSTing by* Yasmin M. *With help from* Ana (and Lyssie!) *and* Rose We open in the starry expanse of space, where Subreality hangs like a well-loved (and much-repaired) orb on a Christmas tree. Greens, blues, and browns dominate the landscape, swirling into each other as Writers type away at their laptops. Subreality City seems to dominate the blurry world, fascinating with its riot of colours, but it is here in space that our story begins. Here in... SATELLITE #1013 The satellite was really quite nice for something made by an evil scientist in pursuit of a nefarious scheme. There was a lounge with a well-stocked bar, a kitchen that would bring a tear to Sailor Jupiter's eyes, and even a holodeck stolen during the Starjammers' latest raid on Marissa Picard's Enterprise. It was also quite empty. At least, until blue light and a popping sound filled the room, whereupon four figures stood in not-so-silent confusion. "Where in Hades are we?" "Ooo... Guinness!" "TAPSLAUGHT DOES NOT LOOK KINDLY ON HER KIDNAPPING." "Hey! I know you... aren't you supposed to be dead?" The first was a blonde woman with Grecian features, studying her surroundings haughtily. She wore a well- cut, navy blue business suit. A gold and mother-of- pearl brooch in the shape of a quill pen was pinned to her lapel. The others immediately recognized her as Calliope, Queen of the Muses and acknowledged pain in the arse by her subordinates. "I don't know, but I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," remarked the second speaker, a beautiful young woman. "I was in the Cafe talking to Dex, and then... poof! I'm here." Calliope peered at her for a second, then sighed. "Mary Sue, I presume?" Mary Sue smiled sultrily and nodded. She was still wearing the red wig and green contacts she had used to distract the Canadian writer, though a cursory visual examination would make clear that she really did not need any enhancements. Created from the DNA of Writers consumed by TAPSLAUGHT, she was to be the Ultimate Writer -- the cat's pyjamas, the head honcho, the uppermost scum. No less powerful than her namesake. TAPSLAUGHT, the Devourer of Writers, looked with distaste and horror at her now human-sized body. Being Tapestry gone horribly wrong and powered up beyond the highest Writer level, the sight of her Heralds alone brooked no other words from an unfortunate mortal except "We're gonna die!" Her long black hair glinted under the fluorescent lights, matching the angry eyes. The blue and white armoursuit she wore was scuffed, a trace of... chocolate?... near the soles of her boots. Having glared her body into embarassment, she gave the last of the group a hostile stare. The aforementioned character was blissfully ignorant of her wrath. She was busy loping around the lounge with graceful ease, examining everything. Azmifarayaro was her name, and defeating TAPSLAUGHT was her game. "Was" being the operative word -- she is currently employed as a security guard for Subreality Hospital. Azmi seemed to have no problem with her similarly shrunken body, taking it in a stride. As an amalgam of six writers, she probably had a vague memory of being human-sized. The slender, red-haired catwoman wore a short leather tunic, slit on both sides. The clothing allowed ease of movement, least of all for her large bat-like wings. "Check this out, guys," she called out, pointing to a viewscreen and a large red button. "What do you think *these* are for?" "I DO NOT KNOW. BUT PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THIS." Calliope snapped out of her fuming resentment long enought to look at the object on the wall. "It looks like a lever. I wonder what would happen if I were to do... this." She pulled down the lever. "Goddess!" exclaimed Mary Sue, her green eyes growing larger by the minute. "Will you look at that..." Where panelled walls had existed there were now windows, treating the quartet to a beautiful view of space and Subreality. Appreciation of beauty, however, was the last thing on their minds at the moment. "How by the nine heads of Cerberus did we end up in space?" the Muse practically shrieked. "The answer, my dear," said an oily voice, "comes not from the stars." As one, they turned. Filling the viewscreen was a smug-looking Dark Beast, who seemed to enjoy every atom of their consternation. "WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?" thundered TAPSLAUGHT. The mutant raised a sardonic eyebrow. "I suppose *someone* had to ask the question." He steepled his fingers. "Tell me, ladies, are you in any way familiar with Mystery Science Theatre 3000?" "Yeah!" Azmi answered enthusiastically. "It's about this guy, Joel -- and later, Mike -- who was shot into space by an evil scientist. The scientist wanted to test the limits of the human will by subjecting him to... bad... movies." She ground to a halt. "Oh, *hell*." "Indeed, milady," chuckled Dark Beast. "Hell, indeed. Dr. Forrester was a genuinely talented scientist, if a little narrow in his scope. After all, why settle for Earth when you can have Subreality at your mercy?" "So what are you going to do?" Calliope demanded coldly. "Subject us to hours of the old 'Captain America' cartoon?" Azmi and Mary Sue flinched. "Your plan is doomed to fail, Dark Beast. We are, after all, not human." Instead of bowing and scraping at her feet, he laughed. "Do you think I would forget that?" He leaned in closer to the screen, leering at them. "Three of you were once fan fiction Writers. You, Calliope is the Martriarch of the Muses. What could be more fitting than to torture you with bad fan fiction?" Azmi gasped in horror. "You fiend!" she growled. Her tail, spiked with sharp quills at the end, flicked from side to side. "I CONCUR. RELEASE US IMMEDIATELY, DARK BEAST, AND I PROMISE MY RETRIBUTION WILL BE MERCIFUL." He shook his head, wagging his finger in mock- scolding. "No can do, as they say in the vernacular." Grinning at them, he added, "Enjoy, ladies." "You can't do this!" shouted Mary Sue. "I'm your creation!" As his image winked out, the Dark Beast answered with an amused, "And what is creation, if not meant for the creator's use?" "Why that sonova--" The pseudo redhead was cut off, however, as alarms and sirens did their noisy work. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" they shouted in unison. "How did we know how to say that?" asked Calliope, blinking. "Who cares? Let's go!" [Door 6: A feral Wolverine leaps out at you, bone claws extended. You fight him off with spray-on body deodorant and run into a cave.] [Door 5: You're in the cockpit of an X-Wing, engaging a TIE fighter. You vape the enemy, flying through the ensuing explosion.] [Door 4: There're Trollocs running after you, and you're trapped at the bank of a fast-flowing river. Taking a deep breath, you dive into the water.] [Door 3: The Beast (no, not the mutant, the President) stands in front of you, blocking a door. You whip out your bowel disrupter and leave him moaning on the floor.] [Door 2: A solid steel door bars your way, resisting your attempt at kicking it down. With a blast from the Witchblade, you blow it up and continue on your way.] [Door 1: It's the entrance to Harry's Hideout. Smiling, you push the door open and step in.] [The ladies enter the theatre, Calliope and TAPSLAUGHT still looking *very* pissed. They are seated, from left to right: TAPSLAUGHT, Mary Sue, Azmifarayaro, and Calliope.] CALLIOPE: How, exactly, are we supposed to keep our brains from turning into tapioca pudding? AZMI: Just chant to yourself all the names of the good fic writers you know. MARY: And riff like hell's about to pay a visit. >DISCLAIMER TAPSLAUGHT: SHE IS STEALING MY SCHTICK! WOE TO THOSE WHO DARE USE CAPITAL LETTERS! MARY: [Writer] I will not be held responsible for any vomiting, migraines, heart attacks and brain aneurysm due to the reading of this story. Not recommended for pregnant women, small children, and asthma patients. AZMI: Mary... that was mean. >I haven 't actually used any ones >characters yet, but I will. AZMI: I'm sure they're looking forward to it, honey. [vaguely hopeful] Right? Right? CALLIOPE: [sighing] The disillusioned ones are not yet born. >All the X-MEN belong to Marvel Comics, MARY: Otherwise known as "What the bloody hell is this SHIT?!" CALLIOPE: Language, Mary Sue, language. AZMI: Except books written by the Marvel Knights writers and Kurt Busiek. TAPSLAUGHT: AND WARREN ELLIS. AZMI: But... he's gone. TAPSLAUGHT: [heavy sigh] I KNOW. >everyone else is mine. MARY: Uhm-hmm. TAPSLAUGHT: I BEG YOUR PARDON? MARY: Just hoping there won't be any blatantly ripped- off "original characters, that's all. >Don 't sue me this is just Fan >Fiction and I'm not making any money. >If you steal MY characters, at least have >the decency to let me know. MARY: [sarcastic] I'm sure *you* don't have to worry abou-- AZMI: A-hem! No insulting the writer, remember? MARY: [insincerely] My apologies. > CLAIRE 'S CONFUSION CALLIOPE: Here's a nice, heavy bat. Shall I clear up your confusion for you? MARY: Well, Claire, here's what you do: after you've taken it out of its foil wrapping, roll it from bottom to top to get rid of any trapped air. Then-- CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! > Prologue TAPSLAUGHT: YOU MEAN THERE ARE *MORE*? AZMI: [growls softly] > DAYS of PAST AZMI: [singing] Yesterday, all my troubles seem far away... >The window was easy to open. MARY: Woohoo! C'mon in, you handsome hunk! >The room hadn't changed. AZMI: Look what I found under the bed! Some pizza I ordered in '89! >If Clare could have cried, she would have. AZMI: Is she a Klingon? OTHERS: Wha--? AZMI: Klingons don't have tear ducts. [beat] CALLIOPE: So are you a Trekker or a Trekkie? AZMI: [coldly] If you value your life, Your Highness, you'd drop the topic. >didn't change the >room. couldn 't face the truth. that i >wasn't coming back. CALLIOPE: Where have all the capital letters gone? MARY: I'd repeat a Jay Leno joke about Paula Cole's underarm hair here, but I'll probably get quills through my lungs. TAPSLAUGHT: YOU ARE WISE, MORTAL. >The pictures on the dresser were >covered in a thin layer of >dust. She whipped them off. MARY: Kinky! Was the dust wearing leather and whipped cream too? AZMI: Considering that the "layer of dust" is "thin"... no, I don't think so. MARY: Damn. >"we were >happy. i must have broken your heart." TAPSLAUGHT: [puts her hand on Azmi's shoulder] NO. YOU MAY *NOT* SING 'ACHY-BREAKY HEART'. MARY & CALLIOPE: Amen! AZMI: [grumbles something about the First Amendmend] >"You did." AZMI: [Claire] No, I didn't! The butler did it! In the library, with the poker! He *did*! >Clare spun around with a start. MARY: [Clare] Ulp... motion sickness... must... throw... up... [vomiting sound] Sorry about the potted plant. AZMI: Sick, girl, but I love it! CALLIOPE: Say, isn't it supposed to be "Claire" instead of "Clare"? TAPSLAUGHT: NOT A GOOD SIGN. >"Clare, is that really you? You don't >look the same." AZMI: [attempts to snap her talons and fails] I know! Clare is really Claire's dyslexic evil twin! >"your clare is dead. MARY: Just like this story. CALLIOPE: [agitated] But... the title... it said "Claire's Confusion". *Claire*! AZMI: Let it go, Calliope. >i just have some of >her memories. i'm sorry." ALL: [blinks] AZMI: [uncertainly] A clone? >" I know. Raven told me. She said that >Gryphon had brought you back." AZMI: Dear God in heaven, she's Jean Grey's long-lost sister! >"yes. i-clare-never knew how he felt. MARY: Disgust at having to touch her decaying flesh? AZMI: [giggles] CALLIOPE: *Ick*, Mary Sue. >when she died, a part of him did too. AZMI: You mean like that guy in Hitman with the dead Siamese twin? >he was half-mad with grief. he thought he >could bring her back, keep her with him. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] She still owes me bail money from the time she broke into Skywalker Ranch to sneak a peek at "The Phantom Menace". >"I guess he succeeded." TAPSLAUGHT: CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT SHE COULD NOT EVEN SPELL HER NAME RIGHT, I WOULD DISPUTE YOUR CONCLUSION. >"yes, no. MARY: [Clare] I'm feeling indecisive today. Try again later. >he tried to call her-my-spirit >back. AZMI: [smirking at Mary Sue] Shall we? MARY: Lead the way, maestro. AZMI & MARY: [singing] Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it... I just want you back for good... want you back, want you back, I want you back for good... Whenever I'm wrong just tell me the song and I'll sing it, you'll be right and understood... want you back, want you back, I want you back for good... CALLIOPE: I *cannot* believe you actually know the lyrics to a Take That song. >it was not quite right. MARY: [brightly] Like this fic? AZMI: In the Godzilla movie sorta way. >i'm confused. I don 't know if i'm >clare, or if she is still dead. CALLIOPE: In the Marvel Universe? Understandable. MARY: Who was the Muse who inspired the whole Phoenix retcon, anyway? CALLIOPE: Sorry, our services are confidential. >i only remember he and the man trying >to make me whole. TAPSLAUGHT: [Dr Frankenstein] THIS ARM GOES THERE, THAN SPLEEN GOES IN THERE... OH DEAR, I SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN THE BRAIN. OTHERS: [snickers] >i remembered this place. i came." CALLIOPE: [clamps a hand over Mary Sue's mouth] No. MARY: [nods reluctantly] AZMI: Since when are you this uninhibited, anyway? MARY: I was last written by Dex in the Ultimate Writer RR. >"If you remember, than part of Clare >lives on in you. We can be happy again. CALLIOPE: [sighs] Does "Orpheus" rings a bell? >"No." A dark form materialized in the >shadows. AZMI: Laersyn! Thank God you've come to chainsaw us out of this torture. >A tall, gaunt man with troubled >eyes and white hair appeared next to >Clare. MARY: Magnus Lehnsherr? AZMI: Killian? CALLIOPE: Elijah Snow? TAPSLAUGHT: [pointing at "gaunt"] I DON'T THINK SO. >He touched her arm and she vanished. MARY: Now you see her, now you don't! >"Gryphon, bring Clare back! CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] And trap us in this fanfic longer? Are you mad? >"Your Clare was never real! She was only >a clone! MARY: [announcer] Ladies and gentleman, we have another nominee for the Madelyne Pryor Hall of Fame. Past inductees include the Spiderman Clone, Scarlet Witch and Vision's children, and a coherent past for Logan. >You never wondered about her >past? AZMI: [singing] If you want my future, forget my past... OTHERS: AAAAAAA!!!!! >Her family? She had none! She was a >mistake. MARY: [Gryphon] I told you to use contraceptives, but noooo... >She was perfect for you because >you had unconsciously molded her into >what you wanted. AZMI: It's amazing what they can do with Play Doh nowadays. >She was never her own >person. Claire died. ALL: DING-DONG, THE WITCH IS DEAD! >Then I made a >mistake. AZMI: You went after Darth Vader too, eh? >I tried to bring her back. Now >she is stuck with the mind of a ghost and >the body of a dead girl! TAPSLAUGHT: SOMETHING IS ROTTEN IN DENMARK. MARY: Ew. Can you imagine the smell? CALLIOPE: Maybe the body's been mummified. AZMI: Even worse. >"You always had a soft spot for the >frightened and confused ones, Gryphon." MARY: [Gryphon] They taste really nice steamed with a little ginger and soy sauce. >Raven stood in the doorway. AZMI: [hums Western gunfighter music] >Even in the >light of day she looked spectral. CALLIOPE: [Raven] My new diet's working really well! >In the >dark, her cat eyes glowed dangerously. TAPSLAUGHT: I THOUGHT CAT'S EYES SEEM TO GLOW BECAUSE THEY REFLECT LIGHT. THEREFORE, IT WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE IN THE DARK. AZMI: Common misconception. >"You stay out of this! CALLIOPE: Out, damned spot! >You are partly to >blame. Clare was caught in your bid for >power. AZMI: 50 dollars! Do I hear a bid for 55 dollars? >Now she is paying the price. MARY: Yeah, now she'll be forever associated with Jean Grey. >"You are not blameless. She died. You >could have left her in peace. But you >brought her back. Why? TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] SHE WON IN CRIPPLE MR ONION. >"I-I..." The Dream lord was speechless. AZMI: [kneeling on her seat] Please, please let it not be Morpheus! >"You fell for her, a worthless piece of >genetic material. MARY: So Apocalypse moonlights as Raven? CALLIOPE: He must have been desperate for money. AZMI: Considering that he's been sitting on his butt for thousands of years doing *nothing*, his savings are probably gone. TAPSLAUGHT: WE'RE THINKING OF REVOKING HIS VILLAIN'S CLUB MEMBERSHIP IF HE MISSES ANOTHER PAYMENT. >When she died, you >couldn't bear the thought of being >without her. MARY: Whatever happened to blow-up dolls? AZMI: Yeah, and like he'd even notice the difference. >HE didn't deserve her. CALLIOPE: [Raven] He deserves better. MARY: God didn't deserve her? Damn straight. >Am I right?" AZMI: Yes, mistress. Grovel, grovel. Please, mistress, punish me! CALLIOPE: Azmifarayaro! [turning to Mary Sue] This is *your* fault. MARY: [sniffs] I am so proud of myself. >Gryphon was furious. "Away Raven. You try >my patience to the limit!" AZMI: Oh, I don't know. I kinda like Cloud's Cross- Slash. MARY: Nah, Aeris' Healing Wind is cooler. >With a wave of >his hand, she was gone. CALLIOPE: It's amazing how the women in this fic seem to come and go with a gesture. >"Pay her no mind, James." TAPSLAUGHT: [Gryphon] SHE'LL ONLY WASTE IT IN THE CANDY SHOP. >"But as you said, Claire is gone. Why >have you not rid yourself of her? MARY: [Gryphon] But I have! Well, not all. I'm saving the liver for a casserole. CALLIOPE: Now that is just plain tasteless. AZMI: Oh, I don't know... liver always has too much taste for my liking. CALLIOPE: [groans] >By some twist we do not understand, she >has gained great power. MARY: [pales] You mean she became Marissa Picard? AZMI: Or Andrew Vincent. The horror! OTHERS: [big sweatdrops] >If she wished she >could probably destroy us all. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... if she could stop falling over her own feet. >That kind >of power should not be in the possession >of one with so fractured a mind. AZMI: Nah. Just give her claws, angst and a bad attitude. Your sales'll go up in no time. MARY: Especially if she wears Psylocke's uniform. >You saw >how confused she was. CALLIOPE: You would be too, if your name is spelled "Clare" when it should be "Claire". >She acts purely on impulse. TAPSLAUGHT: MUCH LIKE TWO-THIRDS OF SHOPPERS TODAY. >Like a small child in some ways. AZMI: If she starts crying for mommy, I'm outta here. CALLIOPE: You can't, remember? The doors are locked and our powers don't work. AZMI: [tightly] Just let me preserve some semblance of denial, okay? >But in others she is an adult, with full >ability to wield the power at her >command. MARY: [Clare] I'll make all the TV stations show My Little Pony! Yay! AZMI: And Care Bears. [beat] ALL: AUGH!!! >I must leave you now." MARY: [Gryphon] I have a hot date tonight! >With that, he disappeared. CALLIOPE: ... only to materialize over a deep canyon, where he fell to his death. The end. TAPSLAUGHT: FEELING A LITTLE DARK TODAY, QUEEN OF MUSES? >----------------------------------------- >------------------- AZMI: [singing] London Bridge is falling dow, falling down, falling down... >The tall, pale, woman with dark hair >stood on the road before him. MARY: Hit the accelerator! *THUMP!* 1000 points! >"WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, GRYPHON?" MARY: [Gryphon, leering] Well, you can start by taking off your clothes... CALLIOPE: MARY SUE! MARY: Bite me. >"I need your advise, sister. MARY: Whoops. AZMI: Well, having read Ranma 1/2 fanfic about the Kuno family... TAPSLAUGHT: DO NOT FINISH THAT THOUGHT. >"I AM AT YOUR DISPOSAL." TAPSLAUGHT: [outraged] FOUL COPYRIGHT INFRINGER! I SHALL SMITE THEE TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL, MORTAL! FEEL THE WRATH OF... TAPSLAUGHT! AZMI: How? I'll bet she'll survive force blasts. TAPSLAUGHT: TRANSPORT HER INTO AN ANDREW VINCENT STORY FOR ETERNITY. OTHERS: [wince] >"I made a grave mistake. A woman, Claire, >died. I sought to keep her with me. But I >did not understand then." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] ... that it was really just a fling. Now she follows me all the time and killed my pet rabbit! >"THIS CLARE, I REMEMBER HER. SHE IS A >HARD ONE TO FORGET. TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] RARELY HAVE I MET SOMEONE SO ANNOYING... AND STILL BREATHING. >YOU ARE NOT >KNOWLAGABLE ENOUGH TO MEDDLE IN THESE >THINGS. CALLIOPE: I think you meant "knowledgeable". TAPSLAUGHT: NEVER SEND A BOY TO DO A MAN'S JOB. >"So I have been told. Unfortunatly the >warning has come to late. CALLIOPE: That's "unfortunately" and "too". MARY: Are you going to be doing this for the rest of the fic? CALLIOPE: Yes. >Now she lives >with a broken mind and power >unimaginable." AZMI: Wolverine II, now with two x chromosomes! MARY: Wolverina? >"I SEE. YOU ARE TORN. AZMI: [singing] I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn, you're a little late, I'm already torn... MARY: [hopefully] Bound and broken? >YOU DO NOT WISH TO >LOSE HER, BUT SHE IS A THREAT." CALLIOPE: [Gryphon] Well, you know what they say -- keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. >"Yes. She is the proverbial fox in the >hen house. AZMI: Fox is robbing henhouses now? David's income must be falling. MARY: The cost of feeding the gargoyles must've sent the accounting department through the roof. >I must teach her to control >her abilities. I was hoping you could >help. MARY: [Gryphon] I need someone to drive the getaway car. >"I AM USED NOT TO DEALING WITH CONFUSION. CALLIOPE: [blinks, then starts to shudder] >THERE IS ONE WHOSE TALENTS WOULD BETTER >SERVE YOU." TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HERE IS DR KEVORKIAN'S NUMBER. IF HE'S NOT IN, TRY DR DOOM -- THE FANFIC WRITER, NOT THE ONE WITH THE MASK. >"You're right. I'll take her to him." He >turned to go. CALLIOPE: ... hitting his head on the door, lapsing into a coma whereupon he eventually died. End of story. AZMI: Are you feeling okay, Calliope? CALLIOPE: [snappish] I'm fine. >"GRYPHON. YOU ARE STILL MISSING CRUCIAL >PIECES TO THE PUZZLE YOU TRY TO SOLVE. >PIECES YOU DO NOT KNOW EXIST. GO TO >TRISTIN." TAPSLAUGHT: [Woman] HE'LL GIVE YOU THE MISSING RED AND BLUE BIT. REMEMBER, START ON THE SKY FIRST. >Gryphon spun around. "What do you mean, >Ariana!? Ariana?" She was already gone. CALLIOPE: Of course she's gone. She's a female character. >----------------------------------------- >------------------- MARY: Look out! She's got a gun! AZMI: *BLAM!* Claire's gone, now it's your turn, Marissa... >Gryphon was standing in the ruins of a >once-great hall. CALLIOPE: [Gryphon, snobbish] Can you at least get rid of the dust? It's ruining my Armani jacket. TAPSLAUGHT: YOU DO THAT VERY WELL. CALLIOPE: Thank you. [beat] Hey! AZMI: Pot calling kettle black, TAPSLAUGHT. >"Tristin, I need to talk >to you. Ariana sent me." MARY: [Gryphon] She says you're to wear the leather thong and earring for dinner. >"What do you wish of me?" CALLIOPE: [Morden] What do *you* want, Mr Tristan? >"I want to know more about a woman named >Clare St. Cloude." AZMI: I am Clare Macleod of the clan Macleod... TAPSLAUGHT: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! MARY: Of this fic? I wish. >"Yes...I remember Clare. Very strange mix >up, if I recall. AZMI: [Tristan] Did we put in too much sugar? I think we did. >"Tell me. I need to know everything." CALLIOPE: [Tristan] Sure. Do you have a few million years? >"Oh, you trying to cover your tracks, are >you?" TAPSLAUGHT: SPRINKLING PEPPER WILL USUALLY DO THE TRICK. >"No. I know I'll be found out eventualy. CALLIOPE: That's "eventually". >I just want to sort this all out before I >have to fess up. Where is Claire Ross >now?" CALLIOPE: Finally, a right spelling of her name! AZMI: Don't rejoice too soon, Cal. >"I don't know, but I could find out." AZMI: [Tristan] ... for a fee. MARY: [Gryphon] I only have myself to offer. CALLIOPE: [warningly] Mary Sue... >"Please do. And thank you for your time." AZMI: [Tristan] 'Sokay. I have nothing better to do. >"No problem." TAPSLAUGHT: [Tristan] I'LL GET BULLSEYE ON THE JOB IMMEDIATELY. >----------------------------------------- >------------------- MARY: [snickers] CALLIOPE: What? MARY: You don't want to know. Trust me. AZMI: I do! [Mary Sue whispers into Azmi's ear, and they giggle. TAPSLAUGHT and Calliope stare at each other in confusion, having caught only the words "comparing" and "length".] >"Raven!" MARY: Assume the position! CALLIOPE: I feel ill. >"Yes, my Lord?" > >"Cut the act Raven. AZMI: [Raven] But... but... it's the best one in the whole play! >I know you lied to >me. MARY: [Gryphon, sobbing hysterically] How could you, you beast?! I thought our relationship was special! >Now try and convince me to not kill >you here and now." AZMI: [Raven] I'm cute, don't kill me, I'm cute, don't kill me... TAPSLAUGHT: [disapprovingly] THAT'S MITAI'S LINE. >"I'm sorry! How was I suppose to know >what the deal with Clare was? How could I >have predicted that a little genetic >manipulation would do that? AZMI: [Raven] Really! I didn't know she'd turn out to be another Chibi-Usa! MARY: Talk about a genetic freak. >"It's happened before! You like playing >with other peoples' lives." TAPSLAUGHT: [Death] BUT NOT CHESS. *OR* CRIPPLE MR ONION. I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO UNDERSTAND THE RULES. AZMI & MARY: [claps] CALLIOPE: Good impression. TAPSLAUGHT: [modestly] THANK YOU. >"Oh, you mean that Siege Perilous thing. >I was just having fun. What can I say?" AZMI: I thought that was Roma. MARY: Considering the fact that it was an idiotic plot, it's not far-fetched that Raven was behind it. >"Do you have any idea how many people you >messed up with that particular stunt?" CALLIOPE: 196 833? >"No, do you?" > >"Well... THATS NOT THE POINT! TAPSLAUGHT: [sarcastic] A FINE RETORT, GRYPHON. >If you ever >do anything like this again, I will have >to hurt you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!?" AZMI: [Raven, holding hands over ears] Jeez, you don't have to shout, y'know. MARY: [ditto] Besides, your breath stinks. CALLIOPE: Gryphon is just about as threatening as a ladybug with a foam bat. >"Okay, okay I won't do it again." MARY: [Raven] So here're your fishnets and feather boa back. >"Do you promise?" > >"Yes!" > >"Okay." > >Gryphon vanished and Raven uncrossed her >fingers. AZMI: [sighs] Those who didn't see that coming, put your hands up. [None do.] AZMI: I thought so. >END PART ONE OF CLAIRE'S CONFUSION. TAPSLAUGHT: [flatly] YAY. >Well? what did you think? I want to hear >your honest opinion(but be nice) Thanx!!! MARY: Uh-huh. AZMI: Remember... MARY: [scowling] No insults or flames to the writer. I know. >MY E-Mail address is Timesprite@usa.net CALLIOPE: [darkly] I *will* have a discussion with your Muse, Timesprite... AZMI: Hey, the theatre doors are opening! TAPSLAUGHT: THEN LET US LEAVE. [They stand up and walk towards the doors, shoulders slumped.]