Although Mulder had woken up fairly calmly, as he was confined to the psych ward his anger began to rise. In less than a day he was demanding that he be released.
"Mulder," Dr. Sawyer explained calmly, "I told you that I cannot release you this soon. You just tried to brutally kill yourself."
He ground his teeth together as he muttered, "If you don't let me go now, I'll never get my field agent status back."
Wanting to provoke him to release some of his anger in a safe environment, she said back to him, "You didn't seem too concerned with that when you slashed your arms up."
Mulder exploded. "What the FUCK kind of doctor are you, you cock sucking bitch!"
That comment, however, was more than she had expected, and she cut him off quickly. "Mulder. That's enough. You have no right to talk to me like that." And she walked off, leaving a fuming Mulder alone in the hallway.
Desperately, he marched to the nurses' station, telling them they needed to call the FBI Headquarters, that he was being held for no good reason, and he threatened the shocked nurses that they would soon be out of a job. Being previously warned of this belligerent patient, though, they calmly told him that there was nothing they could do.
Feeling like a hunted and trapped animal, Mulder began to panic. "Get me out of here NOW!" His ranting continued until the nurses lost patience and called an orderly to take him to his room to confine him there until he could control himself. The additional entrapment panicked him even more, and he proceeded to destroy his room until there was nothing left to break or rip, and then fell helplessly to the floor and cried much needed tears. His hands tingled from the damage he had caused with the cuts, and that made him cry even harder. Dr. Sawyer came into his room to check on him.
"Go away," he mumbled through his tears.
"Feeling better?"
"I'm not doing this anymore. I can't take this."
"All that anger wasn't at me, was it, Mulder?"
His head jerked up. "Of course it was. You won't let me leave! I don't like being trapped!"
"Why are you so scared of being confined, Mulder?" she asked gently.
"I just don't like it," he sighed shakily.
"Tell me," she prodded. "You'll get out of here faster if you do," she smiled.
He sighed with resignation. "Krycek wouldn't let me move…and my father…he always made me feel so…trapped, too. He'd threaten me. That if I ever told, he'd do it to…Oh, God. Samantha. How could I forget…what if he…Oh my God," his voice broke off in terror.
Dr. Sawyer took his hand gently. "How else did he make you feel trapped, Mulder?"
He tried desperately to catch his breath and refocus his mind. "I'd…I'd just be too scared to move. And when I got older…" His hand squeezed the therapist's tightly, and she squeezed back in support. "He was afraid I'd be able to get away since I'd gotten bigger. He'd…he'd tie me up and…" His emotions finally gave way and he leaned into Dr. Sawyer's arms.
She held him gently. "That must have been so frightening," she whispered.
Mulder continued to cry in her arms as she tried to soothe him.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
"Hello, Dana."
"What happened?"
She let out a heavy sigh before continuing. "Mulder destroyed his room when he was confined to it due to his…lack of control. Broke lamps, ripped his sheets to shreds…He finally collapsed and I went in to talk to him, try to help him face where his fear of confinement really comes from. He said that sometimes his father would tie him up before he molested him."
Scully winced at the thought.
"He mentioned something else, that he would threaten to do the same things to Samantha if Fox wouldn't comply quietly. He seems to have just remembered this, and now he's very upset that Sam may have gone through it also, and I think he believes that it would all be his fault."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_
Mulder reflected her smile, happy to see her after being "alone with all these nuts", as he referred to his stay in the ward. "Hi, Scully." He reached his hand out to squeeze hers and lead her to sit next to him. He kept hold of her hand.
"How are you doing here, Mulder?"
He laughed nervously trying to hide his fear of the place.
Scully knew she needed to get down to business. "Mulder, Dr. Sawyer told me about how you're worried about Samantha."
Looking down, he tried to hide the look of pain he knew was written all over his face. He began to speak softly. "I never told you, Scully. Last year…" (She's going to kill me for never telling her. ) "Last year Cancerman brought my sister to me. She told me that she remembered a lot from before, but that mostly she tried not to remember. That she had her own life now, and she begged me to let her go." He had tried to keep his voice monotone but failed with his last statement. "She didn't want me in her life."
Scully felt pain tugging at her heart for him. (No wonder he had been so disillusioned with The Quest. But wait a minute! He NEVER told me! ) She clenched her jaw, waiting for the anger to pass so she could help her partner. She would save her lecture for later. "I'm sorry, Mulder," she whispered as she stroked his back.
"My dad had said that if I didn't cooperate well with what he was doing to me, that he'd do it to her, too. I think that's why she doesn't want me in her life, Scully."
Scully bit her lip hard to hold back her emotions. "Mulder, you don't know that." She sat, trying to think of anything that she could say to make this easier for him, but she knew there was nothing she could say.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_AD Skinner's Office
"How are you, Scully? Are you handling…all this…okay?" Skinner shifted uncomfortably in his chair, feeling awkward not knowing his place. He had felt a deep concern for these two agents for a long time, but was uneasy in expressing it. He was used to being the stern and practical boss, and stumbled with expressing his feelings.
"Sir, I'm handling it. I came to you today with a request. One that I'm not sure you can grant me, but I need to ask, nevertheless." Scully looked into her lap at her fidgeting hands and continued. "Sir, are you aware that Mulder met his sister last year?"
Realising quite suddenly that his agent had never told his partner this important news, Skinner felt strange that he knew about it. He sighed heavily. "Yes, Scully. I know."
"She told him she needed time. She didn't give him a way to contact her, sir." She looked directly at her boss. "He needs her right now. There's something he needs to discuss with her. It's very important, sir. Is there any way you have of getting in contact with her through…unofficial channels?"
Skinner cleared his throat. He dreaded dealing with the Cancerman again. But his agent's emotional sanity seemed to depend on it. "I'll see what I can do, Scully."
"Thank you so much, sir."
*_*_*_*_*_*_A cloud of smoke blew its way towards Skinner's eyes as the older man slowly and deliberately exhaled. "And what can I do for you, Mr. Skinner?"
The AD ground his teeth together suppressing the hatred he felt towards this man and how much he hated having to ask him for favours. It was never a gift without strings attached. "I need to contact Samantha. Mulder needs her."
A satisfied smile grew slowly across the man's lined face, delighting in his position of power over Skinner. "And why is that, may I ask?"
Skinner let out a deep breath and continued. "It doesn't matter. I need to be able to contact her."
The man twirled his cigarette slowly between his fingers in thought. "And what are you willing to offer for this little…favour?"
"I don't have anything to offer," Skinner admitted. "You're holding all the cards here. It's simply your decision." He was hoping that catering to Cancerman's ego would help. But the statement was true; he had nothing to offer that he would find useful.
Skinner watched the wrinkled face that was lost in thought. For just an instant, he thought he saw softness pass over those eyes, but it was soon gone. "I will set up a meeting for you, Mr. Skinner. You can talk to her, but I can't guarantee you that she will agree to see her brother."
"Okay," Skinner agreed.
As Cancerman stood to leave, he looked amusingly at Skinner. "Always a pleasure doing business with you," he smirked.
Skinner tensed with disgust and watched the mysterious man leave his office once again.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_The next day, Mulder put up a few struggles with the hospital staff, but had not been so mischievous as to have to miss visiting hours with Scully. They talked lightly for a few minutes before Mulder offered some of his thoughts. "Scully, I can't stop this guilt in my head. It's driving me nuts, not knowing if my father ever hurt her. Not knowing if that's why she won't talk to me, if she hates me."
"Mulder," she said, putting her arm lightly around him. "Please stop blaming yourself for everything." However, she knew how futile her words would be and simply remained silent.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder lay gratefully in his bed. He was relieved he didn't have a roommate right now, as he was quite embarrassed about the heartbeat monitor that he left running at night to keep his nightmares away. He was also happy the day was over. He hated the hospital and got through the days by looking forward to going to bed so that he could live in oblivion for a while. The soothing noise coming from the monitor would always lull him to sleep quickly.
Tonight, though, even that wasn't working much. He was worried about his sister. He missed Scully. Frustrated, he switched the monitor off and sat in the dark. Earlier he got angry with the nurses because they wouldn't let him stay in the TV room, leaving him to sit thinking in his bed. Eventually, however, he drifted off to sleep and into a horrific nightmare.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_The two nurses at the desk were playing Gin when they heard an animal like scream come down the hall. They both jumped up and ran to see what it was. Soon, they were bursting into Mulder's room, and discovering it was a nightmare, Paul went to wake the patient up. Mulder suddenly jerked out of his dream with a look of pure horror.
The first thing he saw was a 40 year old man sitting on his bed in the dark, and, still not lucidly awake, he screamed even louder and jumped into the corner where the bed met the wall. "Get away from me!! Get away from me!!" (Dad. Dad. He's here again. He's back. )
The startled nurse backed away and signaled the other nurse to call Mulder's doctor. Mulder noticed he had wet his bed, and immediately he jumped the unsuspecting man and they both tumbled to the floor. "I HATE YOU! YOU GOD DAMNED BASTARD! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!" He blindly pounded the man and slammed his head into the floor a couple of times before he realised what he was doing. The other nurse had already raced off to call the orderlies and grab a syringe of Valium. When she returned with the orderlies, Mulder was leaning over the bloody nurse, panting heavily, and his face bright red with rage. When he saw the syringe and the orderlies, he jumped up and started backing away. "No! I don't want a shot. No! Don't!" He struggled helplessly as he was pinned to the floor. One of the men pulled down his boxers to get at his hip and Mulder panicked even more, though soon it didn't matter anymore, as the drug stole away his fight. He lay helpless on the floor, confused and humiliated, quickly succumbing to the drug in his bloodstream.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_The ringing of the phone awakened Scully by her ear. Hazily she reached for it and sighed, "Hello."
There was a pause on the other end before Scully heard Dr. Sawyer's voice. "Dana, its Dr. Sawyer. There was a problem here I was called down for."
Scully's heart jumped as she prepared for the news. "What happened?"
"Mulder was screaming from a nightmare, and the nurses came in to see what was the matter. The male nurse tried to wake him up, and Mulder…attacked him. He's in the hospital right now."
Scully gasped. "Is the nurse okay?"
"Yes, and Mulder's sedated right now."
(He's going to lose his job. Even he can't get out of something like this. He can no longer be an FBI agent. How am I going to tell him this? ) Scully felt her heart sink as she thought.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_"Hey, Scully."
"Hi, Mulder."
She looked down sadly at Mulder, who was just coming out of the sedative.
"No extra dessert at the cafeteria for me tonight, I guess," he smiled, trying to hide his fear.
Scully stood over him with her hands on her hips, not moving from her grave expression. "This isn't funny, Mulder. You can't laugh this one away. You attacked an innocent man. He's in the hospital, you know? Do you know what you did to him?"
Mulder winced at her refusal to avoid the subject.
When he didn't answer, she let him know. "For starters, you broke two of his ribs. He has a serious concussion and is in bad shape."
Finally, Mulder tried to explain. "Scully, I…I didn't mean to do that at all, I just…I didn't mean to do it, Scully." He couldn't look his partner in the eye and instead focused on his hands, which were wringing the white sheet.
Scully inspected him with her eyes. "Why did you do it?"
His heart began to beat faster and he closed his eyes.
Noticing his reaction, she softened her voice and caressed his hand. "Tell me."
Mulder's shoulders slumped in resignation and he told her what had happened. "I was having a terrible flashback nightmare, Scully. And I woke up with a forty-year-old man sitting next to me on my bed in the dark. I guess I just thought it was my dad. I just wasn't thinking clearly."
"Mulder—you…you know that pushed you over the edge in the bureau's eyes. Your connections have allowed you many things, Mulder. But that suicide attempt—not even to mention the possibly permanent nerve damage you caused your hands—had you teetering on that line. And this…What you did, that's it. They won't take you back, Mulder. Nothing you can do will convince the bureau OR any of your connections that you are fit to continue this job." Scully looked down thoughtfully for a moment, biting her lip in concentration. Then she looked determinedly into his eyes as she spoke her next words, "And nothing will convince me, Mulder. If you don't resign, I'm going to recommend that you be dismissed."
Mulder was speechless. (What? What is she saying?? Is this a joke? Is she serious? ) He opened his mouth but no sound came out.
Scully crossed her arms, attempting to give herself more strength to do what she had to do. "Yes, Mulder, I'm serious."
"What?" He finally managed to sputter. "What do you mean? What are you talking about?"
She simply stared back at him.
"I…I don't understand."
"Mulder, you can't…I'm only…" The tears were threatening to come, and she couldn't explain herself anymore. "I can't explain right now, Mulder, I…I'll come back later." She was gone with a squeeze of his hand.
Mulder lay stunned in his bed. (She did it. She betrayed me. ) "I TRUSTED YOU!" he shouted at the closed door.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_Skinner waited patiently at a wooden table in a park that Cancerman had told him to meet Samantha. Soon, she arrived, and introduced herself. Nervously, she asked, "My father said you had an urgent need to see me about Fox?"
"Yes," he said, and gestured to the seat. "Why don't you sit down for a minute?"
She sat down and looked at him expectantly.
"Your brother is in the uh…hospital right now. He…he tried to kill himself. After a very critical period in the regular part of the hospital, he was transferred to the psychiatric division, due to his mental condition."
Samantha's eyes grew wide as she heard the news. "How…how is he now?"
"He's…well, much better physically, although I can't say the same for his psychological state."
"Why did he do that to himself?" she asked in disbelief.
Skinner paused. He had known he would have to tell her the basics of the situation, but had avoided thinking about how he would say it. "Well…a couple of months or so ago, he was…abducted…and…molested, before we found him."
Samantha gasped. "What? Oh, my God." She started shaking with fear and confusion. The revelation had brought back some horrifying memories of childhood that she had wanted to forget, that she had needed to avoid contact with her brother in order to keep away. "And…and he asked to see me?"
Skinner watched her with concern. "I don't know. Scully, his partner…just told me that he needed to be able to talk to you about something; that it was very important. Samantha…" he looked her in the eyes to make sure he had her attention. "Samantha…I can't tell you how much he is hurting right now, how much hell he's going through. Please, please consider going to see him."
Samantha was too confused and overloaded right now to think. Terrible scenes of her father molesting Fox, and her brother's pleading whimpers in the dark flooded her mind, and all she could feel was the overwhelming guilt that she felt at not ever having saved him from his daily hell. "Mr. Skinner, I…I need a little time to think about it, please…this is just a really big shock, and I…I can't think very well right now…can I have a number where I can reach you when I figure this out?"
Skinner quickly pulled out his wallet and found his business card and a pen, and wrote two extra numbers on the card. As he handed it to her, he told her, "My home number and cell phone number are on there; you can call me anytime day or night."
She took the card gratefully. "Thank you very much, Mr. Skinner." After putting the card into her purse, she added, "Will you please…please tell Scully how grateful I am to her for taking care of Fox like she does?"
Skinner was surprised that she knew this much about Scully. "Yes, Samantha. I sure will."
"Thank you." She walked off into the mist.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder sat silently in his bed, not sure what to think about what had just happened to him. (Scully. My Scully. The only one I thought I could trust. She betrayed me. ) He sat like that for quite a while until Dr. Sawyer came in.
"Hey."
Mulder didn't respond except to turn slightly away to face the window.
"Scully told me what she said to you. That she was going to recommend your dismissal if you don't resign."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Mulder, she's right. You're in no—"
"I don t want to hear it. Just leave." He said it with a flatness that bothered his therapist. She moved closer to him but was stopped abruptly by Mulder's hand. She decided to just leave him alone, and she walked out.
*_*_*_*_A few days passed in this way, and Mulder refused to even see Scully. Then one morning he was alone in the recreation room when someone sat beside him. He looked and saw that it was Skinner. "Hi, Agent Mulder. I thought I'd come to see you."
"Thank you, sir," he mumbled.
"I know you're angry at Scully for what she said, but Mulder, she's not doing this because she's angry at you." He stopped, feeling strange about having this kind of conversation with one of his agents, but he soon went on. "Mulder, she's doing it because she loves you."
Mulder began to listen then, although he deepened his scowl in doubt.
"Mulder, how do you think SHE feels? How hard do you think that was for her to do? She knows that you can no longer handle your job at the FBI: that it will only continue to bring you down. Look at what you've done to yourself. You actually believe that you are the only one who can save society from ruin…well, I've got news for you, Mulder. You're not that damn powerful. You need to let go of it…to save your own damn life, for Christ's sake. And how can you be so selfish as to blame her for being willing to even risk losing your friendship, which I must say is obviously the most important thing in her life, to do what is best for you?" He forced Mulder to look at him. "Can't you see how much she loves you to do something like that?" He saw a flash of understanding in Mulder's eyes, and maybe even a few tears there. But he turned away to look out the window again.
Skinner let out a heavy sigh of frustration. "Okay, Mulder. Well, let me know what you want to do by tomorrow. If you want to resign, please get a letter to me." He paused before adding, "I will miss you very much at the bureau." With that, he trudged out of the room.
He met Scully at the cafeteria and caught her up on the Samantha situation. Scully was relieved to know that she may very well meet with Mulder, and when Skinner told her Samantha's message, she had to swallow a very large lump in her throat. After lunch, they followed each other back to work.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_The next day, Mulder used Dr. Sawyer's computer to type out his letter of resignation. When he was done, he sat down to talk for the first time in a day. "I've been an ass."
Dr. Sawyer smiled. "Well, we all have to be sometimes."
"I just realised...When Skinner came to talk to me...how much she would really have to love me to do what she's doing."
"You've never been loved like that, have you?"
He found himself tearing up unexpectedly. "No," his voice cracked. "No one ever loved me enough to give me what I need despite how much it might hurt them. No one really even loved me."
"Your father?"
Mulder bit down hard on his lip and nodded his head. "He didn't love me," he whispered, his voice raspy with a pain he had never allowed himself to feel. Dr. Sawyer came to sit next to him on the sofa and put her arm around him. He leaned into her shoulder and held on tightly as he finally gave into his grief. "He never loved me," he wailed. "God, it hurts."
"I know, honey. I know," she soothed as she rocked him back and forth. "It's okay."
His sobbing turned into a heart breaking keening sound. She let him cry himself out until he was only sniffling and hiccupping into her chest. "Scully loves you, though." She kissed the top of his head. "She loves you very much. And I know she'd like to have you come home. Would you like to go home, Mulder?"
He sniffed and looked up at her with swollen eyes. "I can go home?"
"Yes," she smiled. "It's time for you to go home now."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*Scully was making herself dinner when her phone rang. She went to the living room to pick it up. "Hello."
"Hi, Scully, it's me."
(He sure sounds happy. I wonder what happened. )
"Hi, Mulder. What's up?"
"I can go home tonight. Dr. Sawyer says it's okay,"
"Really? That's great, Mulder! When can I pick you up?"
"They'll probably have all the paperwork done in a couple of hours.."
"Well, I'll be there," she declared.
"Bye, Scully."
"Bye, Mulder."
She turned off the phone and sat down on her couch, amazed that Mulder was finally coming home. After some long moments spent daydreaming, she got herself up to get ready for his return. She stripped the bed in his room and washed the rest of his clothes that were there...most of them didn't even need it, but she was so happy that he was coming home that she wanted to make everything special for him. After that, she began making his favourite orange cake. As she was getting it together, she called her mother. "Hi, mom."
"Hi, Dana, how are you feeling?"
"Great, mom. Mulder's coming home tonight!"
"He is?" she exclaimed happily. "So soon? That's great."
"Yeah, it is."
"Do you need any help or anything from me?"
"No, mom, I'll be fine."
Maggie could detect the slight change in her daughter's voice. "What are you worried about, Dana?"
Scully sighed. "I don't know. It's just that...this is his first time home since he...tried to kill himself in my bathroom." She closed her eyes, remembering how heartwrenching it had been when she had to clean up Mulder's blood from the bathroom floor...and walls...and sink...and--"
"Dana, are you okay?"
"Yeah, mom, yeah. Guess I'm just nervous is all."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Scully got herself back together again. "No, I'm fine." Changing the subject, she began, "I'm making Mulder his favourite orange cake...your recipe."
Maggie went along with her daughter's switch in topic. "He really does love that cake, doesn't he?" She remembered the last time she made it and how he had eaten half of the cake himself.
"Yeah, he does. Mom, can we come over for dinner sometime this week?"
Maggie was delighted at the idea. "Sure, Dana! I'd love that. You just let me know when you want to come."
"Thanks, Mom. Well, I need to go finish this cake."
"Okay. Bye, honey."
"Bye, Mom."
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder had been released on the agreement that he begin taking Paxil, an antidepressant, so after they went to the pharmacy, they went home to Scully's.
Mulder walked into the apartment, setting his bag on the floor and looking around.
"I'll get dinner ready," Scully offered, and took off to the kitchen.
"Thank you, Scully," he sighed, and shuffled off to his bedroom to lie down, exhausted and glad to be back in familiar surroundings. However, he was feeling ashamed of himself for how he had treated Scully.
Having cooked most of dinner and not seeing Mulder again, Scully went into his dark bedroom to find him lying on the bed. She approached him quietly. "Hey there. Dinner will be ready soon."
Mulder didn't answer and Scully sat on the bed. "Hey, Mulder."
(What do I say to her? How do I apologise for acting like that? ) Not knowing what to say, he lay silent.
"Mulder, don't ignore me, please."
"I just don't feel like talking, Scully. I'm sorry. I'm just going to go to sleep for the night, okay?"
"Okay," she conceded, trying her best not to hover.
*_*_*_*_*_*_Scully awoke to a movement in her mattress. Surprised, she rolled over to find Mulder sliding into bed with her. "Hi," she whispered. "Good to see you." Mulder slid in even closer to her and pulled her into his arms, sighing deeply. "I missed you," he softly breathed into her ear.
Mulder's sudden change in mood confused her, but she was enjoying herself too much to question him. She settled into his arms, feeling his warmth at her back, the quiet rise and fall of his chest.
Scully awoke to a familiar warmth, and Mulder's sleepy scent in her breath. She opened her eyes and saw Mulder's tousled head was nested underneath her chin. One of his hands rested at her waist underneath her shirt, while the other one tangled in her hair. A leg was entwined between hers. Scully smiled. He would be surprised at himself when he woke up, so she delayed waking him so she could enjoy the closeness as long as possible.
It wasn't long before Mulder began to stir, and he became aware of his position. Scully felt him tense, but his muscles relaxed and he sighed sleepily. "I'm sorry for being such an ass, Scully."
"I forgive you, Mulder," she said simply. Then she went on. "Mulder, I know you're scared because your entire life has been pulled out from under your feet. You have every right to be scared, and angry about what's happening to you, and I'm here to support you. Just...don't dump all that anger onto me, okay?" She kissed his head in a reassuring gesture.
"I'm sorry, Scully."
"Thank you, Mulder."
When they finally got out of bed, Mulder went to help Scully make breakfast...the first of many of his quiet oferings of penance for his behaviour. After he gleefully thanked her for making his favourite cake, he measured all the ingredients for the waffles as Scully went about the kitchen getting everything ready. As she took over to blend the batter, Mulder hovered over her and asked what else he could do. "You can set the table if you want to."
When she was done mixing the batter, Scully turned to find Mulder looking over her shoulder again. "I'll pour it in, Scully."
She looked at him skeptically. "Have you ever done this before, Mulder?"
"Sure," he lied. "I'll do it; you go sit down and relax." (How hard can it be? )
"Okay," she conceded, shuffling off to the living room.
Mulder stared at the iron in deep thought. (I wonder how much batter I"m supposed to pour in this thing? ) He began pouring, and soon batter was leaking down the sides and spilled onto the floor, making a huge mess. Surprised, he jerked his had up, burning himself on the top half of the iron and yelping in pain.
"Mulder?" Scully ran to the kitchen to find waffle batter all over the kitchen and Mulder wincing and cradling his hand. "Are you okay?" she asked as she ran to his side, trying to asses the damage. "Let me see."
Mulder hesitated and then relinquished his injured paw to Scully for inspection.
"It's not too bad, but I need to clean that and put some ointment on it. Come on, let's go to the bathroom."
Mulder followed, his head hung in guilt for making such a mess when he was supposed to be helping. She motioned for him to sit on the toilet and after she got the supplies, she knelt next to him on the floor. As Scully tended to his wounds, she asked him, "How did this happen, Mulder?"
"Ow! Scully, do you have to put that crap on it? Why can't--" He stopped his rant after Scully's threatening look. He watched as she doctored his hurts, and realised something he had never considered. He always tried to fight Scully's attention off, not wanting to bother her with his problems. But watching Scully now, he realised that she actually liked these moments when he would allow her to take care of him and help him. (Must be her maternal instinct. ) he thought to himself.
"Mulder, how did you do this?"she asked again.
"Um...the batter...Actually, Scully, I've never made waffles before, and I didn't know when to stop pouring. I didn't realise it was gonna run all over the place like that, so when it did it startled me and I jerked my hand up and burned it on the iron."
Scully tried to conceal her smile, but Mulder caught it. "What?"
She reached for some gauze and tenderly wrapped his hand as she spoke. "Oh, nothing. It's just that it's funny to me all these accidents you get into because you won't ever ask for help." She finished up and stood. "All done. Next time just ask," she smiled as she took his head in her hands and leaned down to kiss him gently on the lips for the first time in what seemed like an eternity. She pulled back to check his reaction.
His eyes were still closed and he looked peaceful for the first time in months. Then he surprised Scully by pulling her back into the kiss, and he was soon running his tongue along her lips. She happily opened her mouth to him and began to return his affections.
Mulder felt like he was touching her for the first time. He ran his fingers through her hair wondering at its softness. Tears stung at his eyes, and he stood up and pulled her close to him. His fingers traced her ear and fell into a light stroking motion. He heard her make a tiny sound of pleasure that made him smile.
Then Mulder felt something that he had only felt once since all of this hell had started. He could feel his penis swelling underneath his sweatpants and harden against Scully's belly. Scully pulled back for a moment in surprise, and saw Mulder's flushed face fall into a lopsided grin. She gave him a mischievous smile and moved in to press her lips on the curve of Mulder's neck. This move brought a gasp of intense pleasure from his throat, and he found himself whimpering in her ear. Soon, Scully felt his warm hand sneaking underneath her shirt, tracing lazy circles on her stomach. She moved a hand from Mulder's hair and slid it underneath his T shirt and stopped. "Is this okay?" she whispered.
"Yes," he breathed into her mouth. He moved his hands up her torso until he found the softness of her breasts, and thoroughly enjoyed himself in giving them lots of attention. He felt her warm hands rubbing his chest and moving down towards his belly. She paused again. "It's okay, Scully. I'll stop you if anything bothers me." Relaxing more at his words, she began stroking his belly and heard him whimper again into her ear.
Mulder slid a hand into her pajama bottoms and underneath her underwear, delighting in the gasp this movement brought from her. As Scully traced his ear with her tongue, he began lightly stroking her clitoris. "Scully...do you want to move this out of the bathroom? It's a little...awkward in here."
That was just what Scully wanted to hear, and she reluctantly pulled away from him and took his hand to lead him into the bedroom. When they arrived at the bed, Mulder began to get nervous, but Scully soon got his mind off of his nerves when she started to stroke him through his sweatpants. Mulder immediately lay down on the bed, pulling Scully down on top of him. She pulled at his shirt and he sat up enough for her to pull it off. Then he slowly pulled her top off and stared at her body for a few moments before sitting up to take a nipple into his mouth. Scully moaned in pleasure and reached underneath Mulder's pants and squeezed Mulder's penis through his underwear.
Mulder was thrown into a haze by her touch, and pulled away to remove the rest of his clothing. Scully did the same, and soon, she was pulling Mulder on top of her, delighting in the heaviness of him. He then moved his hand between her legs and entered her with his finger, bringing a deep moan from Scully's throat. He then moved his head between her legs and began licking her seductively. Scully was close to the edge before he stopped and came up to kiss her again. Scully's hand went straight for his penis, and he turned her over on top of him. She slid down his stomach to get better access to his groin, and began her treatment.
(Oh, God, Scully, you must have learned a hell of a lot about this area of the male anatomy in med school! ) She began stroking him slowly, using his pre-ejaculate to lubricate him. (Tie me up. Tie me to the bed, Scully, please. ) Mulder startled.
"What is it, Mulder?"
(Oh, my God, what am I thinking?? ) "Uh, nothing, Scully, it's okay."
After studying him a moment, she continued, and lowered her mouth to him. (Oh, Scully, tie me up. Make me cry and cower and tell me that this is good for me and then tell me to lie back and relax because you're not doing anthing wrong, tell me-- )
Mulder jerked again, and Scully stopped and looked at him with concern. "Mulder, what is it?"
He stared blankly for a moment, then shook himself out of his haze. "It's nothing, I promise." He smiled at her and went back to pleasuring her, effectively getting her to drop the subject. Then he was pulling her on top of him. "Make love to me, Scully," he breathed into her ear.
Scully was never happier to hear five words in her life. She sat up and lowered herself slowly onto him, and the feel of him finally inside her wrung tears from her eyes. Mulder was just as effected, and he began whimpering softly as Scully leaned down to kiss him and started moving against him. "Oh, God, Scully. My Scully. I love you, Scully." Soon, Mulder could feel Scully tightening around him as her orgasm approached. She began groaning loudly and Mulder finally felt her contract tightly around him. Her muscle spasms pulled him over the top, and she felt his warm semen shooting into her as he cried out. When he stopped, she slowed her movements until she rested heavily against his chest. He could hear her breath heavy in his ear and feel her heart beating strongly against his chest. He held her close to him and fell asleep still inside her.
*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder lazily watched Sculy getting ready for a while before speaking. "I guess I need to look for a new job now."
"What do you want to do?" she asked, toothpaste dribbling out the side of her mouth.
Mulder chuckled at her. "I don't know...I have the psych training, so I guess I should do something with that." He frowned. "Except for the fact that I'd be more disturbed than most of my patients," he laughed nervously.
Scully rinsed her mouth, put her toothbrush down and sat next to him on the bed to give him her full attention. "That doesn't mean you can't help them." She paused. "Actually, you'd be better at it because you've been through a lot, too. By the time you'd be able to get certified and stuff, you'll be feeling a lot better than you are now." She gave him a tender smile. "And you're such a receptive person. People would find it easy to talk to you."
Scully got up from the bed and finished getting ready for work. When Mulder came to the kitchen he saw her eating some toast, drinking her morning coffee and reading the paper. Getting ready to go to work as she has every day. Going to work at the FBI. His *old* job. A job he'd never go to again.
"Mulder?"
He looked up and saw Scully staring inquisitively at him. "Huh?"
"What are you staring at?"
"Uh...nothing," he mumbled, going to the icebox to get some orange juice. "Do we have any bagels?"
"They're in the pantry."
He fixed himself a bagel with cream cheese and sat down across from Scully. "So what are you going to do now, Scully? Are you going to stay a field agent? Teach at Quantico again?" He kept his head down and started on his bagel.
Scully studied him for a moment. "I don't know...I'm not sure what I'm going to do anymore." Since Mulder had decided to resign, Scully had been thinking over her career, and her priorities. She wasn't sure she wanted to stay at the FBI. She had considered that this may even be the time for her to become a doctor; she had been thinking of the change in careers for some time now. "I don't know if I'll stay with the bureau or not." She watched Mulder for his reaction.
He just nodded and continued with his breakfast. He didn't know what else to say to her about it.
"I've been thinking of becoming a practicing doctor."
Mulder looked up with a genuine smile. "That's great, Scully. You'll be a great doctor, you know. You have a wonderful bedside manner," he grinned.
"Thanks, Mulder," she laughed. "Well, I've gotta get to work. Do you want to meet me for lunch?"
"Yeah, I'll pick you up at noon, after my appointment with Dr. Sawyer." He thought a minute. "Well, where will you be? Still in the old office?"
"Yeah, tying things up. I'll see you then." She got up and gave him a quick kiss before getting her briefcase and heading out the door.
Mulder took his time getting ready for the day and then he headed for his appointment with Dr. Sawyer. He arrirved early and in the waiting room was a small boy staring at the floor, probably waiting to see the child psychiatrist that Dr. Sawyer shared her waiting room with. His light brown hair hung down to cover his eyes and he was digging his small sneakered feet into the side of the sofa.
After Mulder sat down on the other end of the sofa, he noticed that the boy was crying softly. He bent over and tried to catch his eyes. "What's your name?" he asked.
The boy looked up and Mulder saw that his left cheek was badly bruised and his ear was wrapped in gauze. The boy studied him for a minute, then answered, "My name is Jeremy."
"Hi, Jeremy" he smiled. "I'm Mulder."
Jeremy cocked his head. "That's a funny name."
Mulder chuckled. "I know. I use my last name, 'cause I don't like my first name."
"What's your first name?" Jeremy asked, his tears drying up some as he warmed up to Mulder.
"It's Fox."
He let out a small giggle. "That's a more funny name!"
"It is, isn't it?" Mulder paused a moment. "How did you get hurt, Jeremy?" he asked gently.
The boy looked down again. "I got in trouble," he muttered.
"You got in trouble?"
"Yeah. I was bad so I got punished." He sniffed hard as the tears began to fall again.
Mulder pulled Jeremy's chin up so he could meet his eyes. "Jeremy, no one has the right to hit you. You're a great little boy and nothing you could ever do would make it okay for someone to hurt you."
A look of vague understanding passed over his eyes, and the child crawled across the sofa and settled into Mulder's lap. "You're nice," he told Mulder as he snuggled against his chest. Mulder held him gently and his throat tightened. "Thank you," he managed to say. "So are you." He stroked the boy's hair and rocked him back and forth for a few minutes.
"You got hit too didn't you?"
Mulder stopped the rocking and bit his lip to keep the sob from coming. "Yeah," he whispered. "Yeah, I did."
Dr. Sawyer came in to get Mulder and was surprised by the sight before her. "I see you've made a new friend, Mulder."
Mulder beamed. "Yeah, I did. Jeremy here is a very special little boy."
"You have to go talk to the doctor now?" Jeremy asked, looking up at him.
"Yeah."
He climbed off his lap and reached over to give Mulder a big hug and then kissed his cheek. "Thank you, Mulder. You're my friend," he announced.
Mulder was surprised by his declaration. "You're my friend too," he told him, smiling ear to ear. After he recovered from his surprise, he got up to follow his therapist back into the office. "Bye, Jeremy. I'll see you around."
"Bye, Mulder!"
Dr. Sawyer shut the door and sat down across from Mulder, grinning curiously.
"What?" Mulder asked.
"You two bonded really fast."
Mulder shrugged his shoulders in embarrasment.
"Jeremy won't talk to adults. He's too afraid of them. Dr. Anderson hasn't been able to get him to say a thing since the boy's been coming here."
"Really?" he asked in wonder.
"Yeah. What's your trick?"
"I don't know. I just asked him his name and we started talking."
"What did you talk about?"
"How my name's funny and how he gets hit."
"He talked to you about that??"
"Yeah."
"Dr. Sawyer was stunned. "I can't believe that. You were with him for what? Ten minutes?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"You really have a talent with kids, Mulder. That's unbelievable."
Mulder looked away for a few moments. "He knew I got hit as a kid too. How did he know that?"
"Kids are a lot more perceptive than we are. Sometimes the can just know things like that."
Mulder nodded. "He's not living with whoever did that to him, is he?"
"No, he's in a foster home right now. The state has him come here three times a week because of the severity of his problem. He's very withdrawn and frightened. Severe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. He started coming here a couple of months ago when social services found out his father was abusing him. He went to jail and Jeremy was left with his mother. Turns out she was just as bad as the father. Those bruises and bandages he has now...she did that to him. So he was put in a foster home last week."
"Will he talk to his foster parents even?"
"No."
Mulder sighed.
"Okay, let's talk about you now. How are things with Scully? Are you two talking much?"
Mulder blushed and gave a mischievous smile. "Yeah...well we...made love yesterday."
Dr. Sawyer raised her eyebrows. "You did? That's great."
"Yeah, it was."
"So it went okay?"
"Yeah. I had a few problems, but it went well. You know, that was the first time I've had an orgasm since...before."
Dr. Sawyer noted that although he was much more comfortable talking about sex, he was still having difficulty talking directly about the rape.
"Well, I had wet dreams--I couldn't ever remember them but I know I had them sometimes. But I couldn't even masturbate...it would freak me out too much. So I was surprised last night went okay."
"If you're okay talking about it...when you tried masturbating, what was it that would stop you?"
"Well for one, I couldn't get hard. I haven't been able to do that."
"Yeah, but why?"
"Scared, I guess."
"Of what?" she pressed.
"Or ashamed maybe." He shifted in his chair.
"Why were you ashamed?"
"I really don't know."
She kept pushing him. "I think you do; it's just that you haven't really wanted to look at it closely enough to see."
Mulder scowled at her briefly before stopping to think for a few moments. "Maybe it's 'cause I was so ashamed when I got hard...with Krycek. I feel so guilty about that. I mean, *I came*, for fuck's sake. Part of me...part of me...liked it." The last words came out as a barely audible whisper.
"Mulder, you didn't like being forced like that. I mean, look at how terrified you were after it happened. That's proof that you *didn't* like it."
"Yeah, I know, I know. But there's a little part of me...a little part...that likes that stuff."
Dr. Sawyer looked curiously at him. "That stuff?"
Mulder's face turned a deeper shade of red and he was grinding his shoe into the carpet. "I think I *like* to be dominated sexually."
Then she could hear him whispering but couldn't hear him clearly, so she moved next to him. "Mulder, I couldn't hear you. Could you start over?"
He swallowed hard and began. "Even when I was a kid...I *hated* what my dad would do to me, *hated* it. But later I'd...I'd...get off on it, you know?"
She could barely hear him and saw how ashamed he was. "Can you explain for me?" she asked gently.
"I'd...I'd think about it and masturbate." His voice got a little louder. "I mean, I *really did hate it* when he did it to me, but later..." He got quiet again. "Later I'd get myself off thinking about it." He buried his head in his hands in shame. "So when Krycek...and I got hard and I came, it makes me think maybe I wanted it, maybe I *did* ask for it, in a way."
Dr. Sawyer stroked his back as she tried to explain. "Mulder what you did, as strange as this sounds, is kind of normal for what you had been through. Had you even started to masturbate before your father began abusing you?"
"No," he answered in a raspy voice.
"Mulder, if a child's first sexual experience is being abused, he's going to relate all others to it. See, you had no other sexual experience at that time. Being sexually stimulated feels good. When you would do it to yourself, you'd naturally think back to the only time it had happened to you before. There was nothing wrong about you for thinking those things. It's just what you learned about sex; you didn't have control over what you learned."
"I still do."
"Still do what?"
"When I...you know...touch myself...I sometimes think about getting tied up and forced and stuff. Last...last night, a couple of times, I wanted so badly for Scully to tie me up and start forcing me and stuff. God, I'm so ashamed."
"I take it you didn't talk to Scully about it."
"No."
"Mulder, we'll work through this. It'll take some hard work, but it'll be okay, I promise. There is nothing bad about you for those thoughts, Mulder. You're just doing what you were taught from early childhood. You really don't know anything else, do you?"
"No, I don't."
"Maybe Scully can show you something different. You think?"
Mulder looked up at her. "Maybe."
"I think she can. You'll work it out." She thought a few moments. "Have you ever acted any of these fantasies out?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you ever had someone dominate you sexually...tie you up, hit you, things like that?"
Mulder turned slightly pale and dropped his head again. "Yeah," he whispered.
"When?"
"In college was the first time...a woman named Phoebe. She'd tie me up, choke me a little...but after that I didn't date many women. Just one night stand things every once in a while. Other than that, it was just me and myself."
"You said she choked you?"
"Yeah," he muttered. "Erotic asphyxiation stuff," he admitted guiltily.
"Okay." She was glad that now he was getting down to the really honest confessions that she needed to know about to help him move on. "This is when you really start to heal, Mulder. When you take a hard look at yourself no matter how scary it is. I'm very proud of you." She gave his hand an encouraging squeeze.
*_*_*_*_*_When Mulder finished his session, he came into the waiting room and saw Jeremy on the couch again, waiting to be picked up from his appointment. When the child saw him, he crawled off the couch and went over to him. "Are you sad?" he asked, seeing Mulder's eyes.
Mulder was amazed again at this kid's perception. "Yeah, a little," he confessed. "I'll be okay, though."
Jeremy hugged his leg and asked him, "Are you gonna be here when I am soon?"
Mulder smiled down at him. "When are you here?"
"This time. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays."
"Sure, I'll be here. I'll make my appointments for then."
Jeremy grinned up at him. "Good." Then he let go of Mulder's leg and reached his arms up asking for a hug. Mulder kneeled down and Jeremy's arms were instantly wrapped around his neck. Mulder sighed with contentment and hugged him warmly. When Jeremy let go, Mulder kissed his head and they said goodbye.
*_*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder walked into his old office and saw Scully typing away at the computer. "Hey, Mulder."
"Hi, Scully. Ready for lunch?"
"Yeah, hang on just a minute while I finish this paragraph." While she finished up her writing, Mulder walked over to his old desk.
"I guess I need to clean out the office."
Scully looked up suddenly. She hadn't really thought about it yet. "Oh. Yeah. I guess so." Taking a deep breath, she got up and went to where Mulder was leaning over his desk and rubbed his shoulders. "Let's go to lunch."
"Yeah, I"m hungry."
They went to Scully's favourite Chinese place. "How was Dr. Sawyer's?" Mulder had told her he was going to be going to most of his appointments alone now, and Scully was happy he had taken that step.
Mulder broke into an incredible smile. "I met the most wonderful little boy in the waiting room. His name's Jeremy; he's about four years old. We really hit it off."
Scully hadn't ever seen the kind of excitement that Mulder was wearing on his face right now, and she was very curious to find out what happened. "Tell me about him," she urged as she began on her Won Ton soup.
"Well, he's in a foster home right now. He started coming to therapy when his father was arrested a couple of months ago for beating him. Custody was granted to his mother until last week, when they figured out she was just as bad as the father."
Scully winced. "How can people do that to children?"
Mulder went on. "Dr. Sawyer said he won't speak to adults; he's too afraid of them. Dr. Anderson has been trying to get him to say something ever since he's been coming."
"But he talked to you?"
"Yeah, we talked. I told him it happened to me too and I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault and stuff, and all of a sudden he was in my lap."
Scully raised her eyebrows. "Wow, sounds like you really have a connection to this kid."
Mulder was so excited that he still hadn't even started his soup. "Scully, I can't tell you how good I feel being able to give that kid some love that he needed. Not to mention how wonderful it is to get a hug from a child," he added.
"Mulder, tha's great."
He finally began to eat his lunch and Scully watched him with amusement. "Are you going to group today?"
"Yeah."
"What do you want me to fix for dinner?"
"I don't know. You want some help?"
Scully laughed loudly. "No, thanks Mulder. Not after the waffle adventure. I can handle it," she assured him.
*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder entered the group room and sat down.
"Hello, Mulder," Scott, the leader, greeted him.
"Hi, there." He waited quietly for everyone to get there, and suddenly felt a heavy weight in his chest.
Scott watched Mulder for the first several minutes of group and eventually spoke to him. "Mulder, you sure are quiet. Anything you want to talk about?"
He looked up. "Hmm? No. I'm fine."
A few of the group picked up quickly on his avoidance. "Oh, really?" Emmet asked.
Mulder looked up, annoyed. "Yeah. I am."
"How are things going with Scully?"
"Good, actually...good." He paused to think if he wanted to let them know what had happened. "We made love yesterday."
"You did?" Scott asked.
"Yeah, I mean, it went really well, too."
"No problems?"
He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. "No. Nope. It went really smoothly."
"For some reason, I'm not convinced of that one," David jumped in.
Mulder's heart sped up, and he looked around nervously. "Listen, I don't want to talk about it, okay? I'm talking about it to my shrink; isn't that enough?"
"You don't have to if you don't want to, Mulder," Scott told him.
"Thank you. Let's move on to someone else, please." He tuned out the group for the rest of the session and left as soon as it was over.
*_*_*_*_*_*_When Scully got home from work, she saw that Mulder's mood had changed considerably. He had changed into sweats and was brooding on the couch. She tried unsuccessfully several times to bring him out of it, and she finally came up with an idea. "Mulder, Mom invited us to come have dinner sometime this week. I'd like to go tonight."
Mulder glanced briefly at her. "Okay."
"Why don't you change clothes and I'll call her." Scully grabbed the phone and took it into her room to call her mother. "Hi, Mom."
"Hi, Dana, it's good to hear from you."
"Mom, I know it's really short notice, but I was wondering if we could come over for dinner tonight...I really need to get Mulder up and out of the house; he's brooding."
"Sure, Dana. Come over whenever you want to; I'll start cooking something up."
"Thanks, Mom. Bye."
"See you soon."
*_*_*_*_*_*_The ride to Maggie's was very quiet, and Scully was getting frustrated. "Mulder, what's on your mind? Your mood sure has changed since lunch."
Mulder shot her an annoyed glare. "Would you stop analysing me all the time? I'm not a fucking child for Christ's sake, so why do you hover over me all the time?"
Surprised by his response, Scully sat stunned for a moment before she answered. "Goddammit, Mulder, if you'd take care of yourself, I wouldn't have to 'hover.' And you say you don't want me to treat you like a child, but that's what you want sometimes, and I don't know how to tell the difference. Mulder, you change back and forth between two extremes of what you want so quickly that I don't ever know *what* you want. One minute you thrive on attention, the next you want me to leave you alone. Sometimes you pout because you want attention, sometimes you look like you're pouting but you're really angry and want me to leave you alone. Goddammit, Mulder, this isn't exactly easy for me, either!"
They both sat and stewed for the remainder of the drive. When they arrived at Maggie's door, she welcomed them both with hugs. She could tell something was wrong between them and made it her mission to find out before they left. She brought them both some tea and then asked Scully to help her in the kitchen.
"Dana, what's wrong between you and Fox?"
Scully sighed in frustration. "I don't know. He's just so unpredictable: doing great one minute and the next he's depressed, or angry, or...I don't know. I never know what he wants from me."
"Have you told him what you're feeling?"
"Yeah, we talked about it on the way over."
Maggie looked at her daughter skeptically. Scully chewed her lip. (Damn, nothing gets by her! ) "Fought."
Over dinner, Mulder was being quiet despite Maggie's attempts to get him to talk. Scully couldn't stand his silence anymore and finally spoke up. "Mulder, why are you so quiet?"
He dropped his fork and snarled at her, "Goddammit, Scully! I told you to lay off!"
Maggie was at his side in a flash, grabbing his arm roughly. "Fox William Mulder. I will *not* have you talk to my daughter that way."
"But you don't understand, Mom! She--"
Maggie yanked him out of his chair and dragged him to the back door. "Now you go outside until you're ready to come in and apologise...and mean what you say."
Mulder stared in pure shock.
Maggie opened the door and pushed him forward. "I mean it. Now!"
He ground his teeth together to keep from getting himself in more trouble and stormed out the door.
After shutting the door, she returned to the table to find Scully's mouth hanging open in shock. "If he's going to act like a child, I'm going to treat him like one. This is how I used to handle you kids' fights...he'll wear himself out soon enough and then be able to think more clearly."
Actually, Maggie's punishment was just what Mulder needed. He wasn't used to dealing with all the anger that was coming up in him, and having the chance to "wear himself out" was the best thing for him.
(I can't believe she did this to me! How can she treat me like this? This is so fucking unfair! ) He kicked the grass several times in frustration. "I hate being treated like a fucking child!" he growled under his breath. He paced around the yard angrily. "Apologise! It's *Scully's* fucking fault! She's driving me nuts!"
With the backyard light on, Mulder found a soccer ball that Maggie kept around for her grandchildren. He kicked it against the garage (which was luckily brick). "Fucking bitch!" he growled.
*_*_*_*_*_Scully soon found herself spilling her guts to her mother. "Mom, he was doing so well. Yesterday he made such a big step, and earlier today he was so happy and relaxed. He's really coming a long way. And now all of a sudden he acts like this! I don't understand him."
They could hear the soccer ball being kicked angrily into the side of the garage as Maggie tried to help her daughter. "That may be why he's feeling this way right now. You know, two steps forward and one step back? Big changes can be kind of scary. And tiring. And he's feeling a lot of things he's not used to. Remember what Dr. Sawyer said at the hospital about his anger? How it's been triggered and he doesn't know how do deal with it yet?"
Scully sighed heavily. "Yeah...I guess that's what it is...it's just so draining."
*_*_*_*_*_*_The soccer ball was being treated increasingly roughly. "This isn't fucking fair," he snarled as he kicked the ball again. "It's not; I shouldn't have to deal with this. If it weren't for that fucking Krycek!" He hammered the ball again. "That cock sucking bastard how could he do this to me!" As his fury took over, he didn't notice that he was no longer cursing under his breath, but was beginning to shout. "I was fine, FINE! Until he brought all this SHIT up!"
When he retrieved the ball this time, he picked it up and began throwing it at the garage. "My fucking father, that piece of shit excuse for a father!!" Now he was pummeling the ball against the garage and Maggie and Dana went to the window to see what was going on. Scully moved to the door but Maggie caught her arm. "No. Let him get it out. He needs it."
Scully looked on helplessly as she watched her partner fight the demons within himself.
"I HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! HOW COULD YOU FUCK YOUR OWN SON?!!"
Even inside, the two women could hear his words now, and it wrung tears from their eyes.
"HOW COULD YOU FUCK ME?!!" Mulder threw the ball one last time an collapsed on the ground wailing in pain.
Scully pulled at her mom's arm.
"Okay, go." She watched from the window as her daughter went to Mulder and gathered him in her arms.
Mulder grasped her desperately and sobbed into her breast.
"Shhh," she soothed, holding him tightly. "Let it out, it's okay."
"Why, Scully?" he cried.
"I don't know," she whispered. She rocked him and stroked him until the rhythm began to soothe his pain and his breathing slowed down.
"I'm sorry, Scully," his voice cracked. "And I do really mean it. I'm sorry."
She smiled and gave him a big squeeze. "Thank you, Mulder. I love you," she added.
"I love you, too, Scully," he sniffed.
"Let's go in, okay?"
"Okay."
When they came in, Maggie embraced her surrogate son and kissed his forehead.
"I'm sorry, Mom."
"I know, sweetheart. Thank you."
*_*_*_*_*_*_When they got home, Mulder fell into the couch with exhaustion, and Scully went to draw him a hot bath, which relaxed him thoroughly. He went to sleep with Scully and slept soundly the entire night.
He awoke early the next morning and enjoyed himself watching Scully sleep. After awhile, he kissed her lightly on the lips, waking her from her slumber.
"Hmm," she sighed. "Good morning, Mulder."
"Hey, Scully," he grinned mischievously, as he moved his hand under her night shirt to fondle her breasts.
"Oh, well, you're quite awake, aren't you?" she teased as she felt him harden against her thigh.
His hand was soon finding its way into her underwear, and Scully gasped with delight. They were both quickly undressing and covering each others' bodies with kisses. As Mulder rolled on top of her, she felt his hard penis rubbing between her legs, and she was surprised as Mulder entered her quite quickly. He whimpered as he sank deep into Scully's center, feeling her warm and wet around him.
As he began to thrust himself into her, Scully's sounds of pleasure were making him even more excited. The thought that he could make her feel this good gave him more confidence. Scully was thrusting against him and wrapping her legs around his hips. Soon Mulder felt her orgasm hit and he smiled widely with pride. After a few more thrusts, he was over the edge as well, and he lie heavily on top of Scully, feeling his penis soften within her as she breathed heavily into his ear. Eventually, he rolled off of her and his flaccid and exhausted member slid out of her warm body. He sighed heavily with contentment.
"God, Mulder, that was great," Scully managed to speak.
Mulder was still glowing and could only sigh happily in response. He held Scully to him until she had to start getting ready for work.
*_*_*_*_Scully was doing paperwork when she got a call from Skinner asking her to come to his office.
"Come in," Skinner barked when Scully rapped on his door.
"You wanted to see me, sir?" she asked as she sat down.
"Yes. I just heard from Samantha, and she'd like to see her brother."
Scully was surprised to hear from her so soon. "Sir, thank you. Thank you so much."
"She left her number for you to give to Mulder."
Scully took the piece of paper with trembling hands. "Thanks again," she whispered.
"You can take the rest of the day off, Scully."
She nodded and left to go home, hanging on to the small piece of paper protectively.
*_*_*_*_*_"Hi, Scully, what are you doing home so early?" Mulder had been looking around on the internet for schools in the area where he could get certified to be a counselor. He immediately picked up on Scully's tension. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she assured him. "Nothing's wrong, just...sit down, Mulder." She joined him on the sofa, and handed him the slip of paper.
Mulder looked at it curiously. "What's this?"
Scully was nervous about his reaction.
"Scully, what is it?"
"That's Samantha's phone number," she blurted out.
"W-what?" he stammered.
Scully took a deep breath. "When you were in the hospital...and you were telling me about Samantha, and how you thought it was your fault if your father ever...so I asked Skinner if he could...try to contact her."
"And he just...just got her number, just like that?"
"Well, no...the Cancerman set up a meeting with her and Skinner. Skinner told her why...you really needed her and--"
Mulder stopped her. "W-what? You mean he *told* her?"
"Well, he told her you were abducted, and...violated...and that you really need her right now."
Mulder didn't know how to feel about this. Pissed? Grateful? Happy? Betrayed? Humiliated?
"She left her number, so that you could contact her when you feel ready."
"Oh, God," he whispered. "I don't know, I don't know if I can face her. I can't talk to her about this, Sully."
She held his hand and looked him in the eyes. "Yes, you can, Mulder. You need to get past this. The way Skinner spoke of her...she's very worried about you , Mulder."
Mulder was shaking with shock and confusion. "Come here." Scully pulled him into her and snuggled up with him on the sofa. Mulder lay there for a long time, gathering up strength.
*_*_*_*_*_The next day, Mulder went to his appointment at Dr. Sawyer's and was happy to see Jeremy there. "Hi, Jeremy. What's up?"
"Hi, Mulder."
Mulder went down to hug the boy as he came at him with arms outstretched. Mulder saw that his ear was unwrapped now and he looked like he was getting better. "What are you building there?" he asked, motioning to the Lego's scattered across the floor of the waiting room.
Jeremy crawled back over to his creation. "A gas station."
"Oh, what a good idea," Mulder said as he sat down beside Jeremy on the floor. "Can I build stuff, too?"
"Yeah. What are you gonna make?"
"I don't know." Mulder looked around and saw that there were lots of Space Lego parts. "How about a spaceship?" he grinned.
"Neat." Jeremy returned to his building his gas station.
"What's your favourite thing to play, Jeremy?" Mulder asked as he gathered up the Space Lego parts.
"I like playing with action figures. And finger painting."
"Really? That sounds fun. I haven't finger painted in a long time."
Dr. Sawyer came in to get Mulder, and he grumbled slightly. "Well, I've gotta go, Jeremy."
"Hi, Jeremy," Dr. Sawyer offered.
The boy moved closer to Mulder and held on to his arm. Mulder realised he was still too scared to talk to adults, and spoke. "He's making a gas station here. He's doing a great job." He smiled down at the boy, who continued to hang onto his arm. "I've gotta go now. I'll see you Friday, though, okay?"
Jeremy looked up at him for a moment and relinquished his hold on Mulder's arm. "Bye, Mulder."
"Bye." He smoothed Jeremy's soft hair back and then got upt to follow Dr. Sawyer.
As Mulder sat down in his chair, Dr. Sawyer spoke to him. "Mulder, you seem to really enjoy your time with that boy."
He smiled. "Yeah, I really do. That's why I moved my appointments to the same time these days of the week."
"Would you like to spend some time with him outside the office? Dr. Anderson could set something up...I think it would be really good for both of you."
"I'd like that...if it's okay with Jeremy."
"Anything going on between you and Scully that you want to talk about?"
Mulder looked up. "Well, we did…have sex this morning again."
"Oh? And how did that go?"
"Great, actually. This time I didn't have any strange thoughts…that happens sometimes; sometimes I don't have them."
"I'm glad to hear that, Mulder. I hope that starts happening more often."
Later in the session, Mulder told her about the situation with Samantha. "I'm just scared to talk to her about it," he admitted. "I'm just...scared to hear that it happened to her. I...I can't handle hearing that. And it would be all my fault."
"Mulder, first of all, it wouldn't be your fault at all. If your father molested her, it was his fault, and he was only trying to place the blame on you." After he looked at her skeptically, she continued. "And I don't think she would blame you at all, Mulder. You don't know that it even happened to her. Can you imagine how much better it would feel just to know if it happened or not? Wouldn't it be a huge load off your shoulders to find out she wasn't molested?"
"But what if she was?"
She let out a frustrated sigh. "Mulder, you can't let your fears rule your life like that.
Mulder took some time to think to himself. "I guess you're right," he conceded.
*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder went home and sat by the phone for some time before he picked up the phone to call Samantha.
"Hello."
His heart started racing.
"Hello?"
"Um, Samantha? It's me, Fox."
"Fox, I'm so glad you called."
(She is? ) "Really?"
"Yes, how are you doing?"
(God, she knows about Krycek. I'm so embarrassed. ) "Um...okay I guess." He could barely hear anything over his heart that was pounding in his ears. "Are you okay, Samantha?"
"Yes, Fox." He could hear her pause a moment. "Would you like to see me?"
(What am I going to say? I can't believe I'm doing this. ) "Yes...yeah, Sam, I really do." He could hardly keep his voice steady.
"How about tonight?" she asked.
(Fuck. So soon? ) "Uh...sure, okay. Where?"
"I don't know. I guess I could come over to your place."
"Oh, okay. Let me give you my cell phone number, because I'm not home very often." He gave her is number and directions to his apartment. "Well, I guess you could come over about eight?"
"Okay, Fox. I'm looking forward to seeing you."
"Me, too. Bye Samantha." He hung up the phone with shaking hands and then called Scully to let her know what was going on.
*_*_*_*_*_*_Mulder jumped when he heard the knock at his door and got up to open it. Hesitantly, he turned the knob and opened it to see his sister. "H-hi, Samantha."
"Hi Fox."
"Why don't you come in, and I'll make some coffee," he offered.
She entered the apartment and looked around, then sat on the sofa to wait for her brother.
Mulder came back into his living room and looked around nervously before joining Samantha on the couch.
"Fox," she began, "I know you don't understand why I asked you to leave me alone last year." She saw him wince at her statement. "I told you...that I had been trying to forget my life before. Fox, it wasn't because I don't love you, or that I was mad at you, I just...the memories were too painful for me."
(Shit. Here it comes. He did it to her. I can't hear this. )
"I...Seeing you again just reminded me of all the pain I went through living in that house. Of all the horrible nights...I just couldn't face that again, and it was so selfish of me, Fox. I couldn't face the pain and the guilt I felt about..." She swallowed the lump in her throat. "About what Dad did to you."
They both looked down and away from each other in embarrassment, but Samantha continued, wanting to get past the fear that had kept her and her brother apart. "I've just always felt such guilt, Fox. How Dad would come into our room and I'd have to lie there and listen to you whimper and plead so quietly for him to stop--" Her tears cut her off, and it took her a few moments to begin again. "How he threatened me that he'd make it so much worse for you if I wasn't quiet about it and I had to just lie there and listen to you…then I'd climb into bed with you when he was gone, and you'd tremble all over and..."
(I can't hear this. Oh, God. ) Tears were streaming down Mulder's face. "Sam," he choked. "Oh, Sam, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I'm...I'm sorry, Sam."
He pulled her into a hug and buried his face in her curly hair. (I want to get this over with. ) "Did he ever do it to you, Sam? He...he told me if I wasn't quiet enough, he'd do it to you, too."
Samantha pulled away to look at her brother, a horrified look on her face. "He told you that? Oh, Fox. No. No, he never did." She reached to smooth his hair back.
Mulder bit down on his lip to keep himself from losing all control.
"Fox, I'm so sorry that I...that I haven't been here for you. When I heard what happened to you, I knew that it must have brought all this up for you. I knew I couldn't avoid this anymore." She took his hand and held it tenderly. "You're my big brother, Fox, and I love you. I want to be here to help you through this."
Mulder couldn't take it anymore and leaned into her welcoming arms, letting go of many long held tears. Samantha joined him in his release.
Later on they both quieted and began catching each other up on their lives. Mulder told her about the X-Files and Scully, and Sam told her about her husband and two children.
"I'd like you to meet Scully."
"So you're staying at her place now?"
"Yeah...I have been since..."
"Are you two engaged or anything?" Sam asked with a smile.
"Uh...no," Mulder said. "But I...I really would like to ask her."
"Really?" Her face lit up.
Mulder blushed. "Yeah. I'm just not sure if that's what she wants right now."
"You'll never know if you don't ask."
"Well, I'm just...I'm pretty tough to get along with sometimes."
"From what you've told me about her, it seems like she deals with your quirks pretty well."
"Yeah, well..." He grinned.
Samantha left after awhile, kissing her brother goodbye and asking him to call her soon so she could meet Scully.
THANKS FOR READING :P
NOTE : Sorry I had to stop here, but you guys have been waiting forever for me to put a new part out, and I knew I really had to get this out before the semester started! I will try my best to get the next one out as soon as I can, but I'm making no promises, he he…I'm planning on tying all the strings together in Part 6, and then leaving the series open to add random stories to later. I hope you enjoyed this one. Please let me know what you thought!
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