~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Force, Lark--you look so damn depressed. Are you meditating or having a vision of impending doom?"

The words dragged Siona Ja-Larkin out of the safety of her meditations and back to the confusion of reality. She was annoyed that someone had stolen the little bit of relief that only meditation could provide her these days.

Finding that the intruder was Shawn, her oldest and dearest friend in the Jedi Temple, did nothing to alleviate her anger at the interruption. "Stop calling me by that absurd nickname," she demanded, "and for the sake of the Force, Shawn--if you see someone meditating, leave them alone!"

"Oh, that would have been a grand idea, Siona," Shawn responded, dropping gracefully to the ground in front of his friend. "All you've done for the past two months is meditate. Master Qui-Gon says meditate, and you meditate. Master Qui-Gon says go to dinner, and you meditate. Master Qui-Gon says go out and have some fun, and you meditate. Master Qui-Gon says do something other than meditate--and you sleep. You probably even meditate then."

"Maybe I find solace in meditation," Siona responded, grimacing at her best friend. "Maybe it's something you could use a little more of yourself."

"Solace from what?" Shawn demanded. "And if I needed to meditate more, Master Mace would tell me to meditate more." Shawn rolled his eyes at Siona, then rolled over onto his back. "That's why we have Masters, Siona. So they can tell us what we need to work on. Yours says that you don't need to meditate, so listen to him."

"Free time is exactly that, Shawn: free time." Siona stretched out her legs and settled into a more comfortable position, taking a few moments to glance around the apprentice lounge. It was just as empty as it had been when she had started meditating--with the obvious, and obnoxious, exception of Shawn.

"So let's go have some fun in your free time," Shawn responded, jumping up suddenly and hauling Siona unceremoniously to her feet behind him. "Let's go into the city."

Siona yanked her arm out of Shawn's hand and bent to pick up her cloak. "I can't go tonight," she said, straightening her tunic before pulling on her cloak. "I'm supposed to meet Master Qui-Gon for an extra 'sabre practice."

"That's why I'm here," Shawn said, reclaiming Siona's hand and beginning to pull her towards the door. "Master Qui-Gon and Master Mace just got called in front of the Council, and they're likely to be there half of the night. They sent me to tell you, and told me that we have the evening off."

Siona suppressed her first feeling, which was hurt that Qui-Gon had canceled on their plans. Logic told her that the needs and demands of the Council came before the demands of one Padawan--but Qui-Gon was hers, and she didn't like to share him.

"Stop acting like it's the end of the world!" Shawn moaned, catching sight of his friend's expression. "I don't know what that man has done to you--but all you think about now is fencing and meditation and studying. You used to be so much fun!”

“You´d do well to think about your studies a little more,” Siona snapped, freeing her arm again. “Shawn, I don´t want to go into the city.”

“What are you going to do, sit here and moon over your Master?” When Shawn saw the nonplused look on Siona´s face, he had to laugh. “I´m kidding, Siona--you got over your crush years ago . . . didn´t you?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course,” Siona responded quickly, refusing to meet her friend´s eyes. If Shawn noticed, he didn´t say anything. “But that doesn´t mean I want to go into the city. I have a book I need to read, and this should give me time to do it.”

“I have a book I need to read,” Shawn mocked in a high voice, grabbing Siona´s arm a final time and starting to drag her firmly towards the door. “You´re twenty-two years old, Siona, and your idea of a good time is watching a historical holovid.”

Siona gave into Shawn, following him out the door and down the hallway towards one of the City exits. “I have fun,” she protested weakly.

“The last time I saw you having fun was when you were nineteen,” Shawn shot back. “I miss my dear old friend who would dance on tables at the bars in the lower levels. It´s been a long time since I got to see you kicking those legs up, and I´m sure I´m not the only one who misses it.” The lusty leer Shawn gave her was so exaggerated that it was comical.

Siona blushed, shifting uncomfortably. She had been a somewhat wild teenager--but the desire to impress her Master had long since erased her tendency to overindulge in alcohol and make a spectacle of herself. It had only taken one time, when she had come home completely intoxicated and more than a little indecent. Qui-Gon´s disapproval had been so palpable that Siona hadn´t forgiven herself for three months. She hadn´t touched a drop of alcohol since.

“If you think I´m going to get drunk and dance on tables for you, you´re wasting your time,” Siona informed her companion with a wry grin. “You know I only do that for Knights, not Padawans.”

“Oh, she does have a sense of humor still,” Shawn exclaimed loudly, doing and absurd little dance down the hallway in front of Siona. “The great Master Jinn hasn´t turned her into a good serious young Padawan quite yet!”

“I am a good serious Padawan,” Siona responded. “I always have been.”

“Oh, that´s a good one.” Shawn reclaimed Siona´s hand and guided her outside and towards one of the walkways to the lower level. “I remember a time when you managed to convince an entire bar that you were the official strip dancer, and ended the evening with enough credits to buy your own transport!”

Siona blushed again, even though the story was grossly exaggerated. Even so, she couldn´t deny the fact that she /had/ been a rather rebellious young woman--and even though Qui-Gon had tried, a thirty-one year old man just couldn´t understand the complicated changes a seventeen year old girl was going through.

Siona shook herself from her musings when she realized that Shawn was waiting for an answer, and said, “You only remember it that way because you were too drunk to walk. I didn´t take a single piece of clothing off--although I bet you were wishing I had.” Siona was now feeling more excited then she cared to admit. It had been a long time since she had just kicked back and relaxed. She wouldn´t do anything foolish tonight--there was no way she would risk shattering the respect she had finally earned from her Master--but it would be fun to have nothing more important to worry about than a little dancing and small talk.

“Ooooh, struck to the heart,” Shawn cried, wiggling his eyebrows at his friend. “You know that I´m desperately in love with you.”

“Who isn´t?” Siona shot back, breaking away and quickening her step. “Last one to the bar buys first round.”

***

“Oh no.”

Qui-Gon looked up at Mace from where he had stopped in the hallway to lace his boot, absently noting that he really needed to buy a new pair. He and Siona had been on far too many missions lately, and neither of them had gotten a chance to buy new clothing in almost a year.

“What´s wrong?” Qui-Gon asked his friend, a little worried when Mace continued to stand in silence, staring at the wall. “Mace?”

“I should have known he´d go straight there the minute he found out we were gone for the evening,” Mace griped, rolling his eyes towards the ceiling. “Why couldn´t my Padawan have grown out of this stage like yours did?”

“Shawn visiting his favorite bar again?” Qui-Gon asked wryly, finishing with his boot and standing up.

“Oh yes. And he apparently decided that it was a good idea to start singing rowdy, lewd songs in my head. He´s so loud it´s almost impossible to shield him out.” Mace rubbed his forehead with one hand, grimacing. “I suppose I´m going to have to go get him--I don´t think he´ll be finding his way home again.”

Qui-Gon grinned. “Have fun, my friend. I´m sure chasing your Padawan through the lower levels will teach you much about patience. I, on the other hand, have to return to my quarters. I´m long overdue for a lesson with Siona.”

Mace´s face took on a rather comical smirk. “Haven´t checked up on her lately, have you Jinn?” Mace slapped Qui-Gon on the back and started towards the doors out. “Might as well come with me, Qui-Gon. Siona´s with Shawn--and probably just as much in need of a little rescuing.”

Not believing Mace, Qui-Gon dropped his shield and reached out along the bond between himself and his Padawan. Sure enough, Siona was well on her way to intoxicated, and so careless that she didn´t even feel her Master slip deftly into her mind.

“Oh dear.” With a sigh Qui-Gon turned to follow Mace out of the Temple, already trying to control his frustration. Siona had been so well behaved in the past three years--the model of the perfect Padawan, and she deserved the benefit of the doubt. It had been a long time since she had overindulged in anything. . . and although that didn´t make it right, it meant that Qui-Gon had a great deal more patience than he might have otherwise.

They were only a few steps out of the Temple when both men stopped dead in their tracks, the shock of something /wrong/ echoing back from both of their Padawans at once.

Mace only picked up the image of something being terribly wrong: fear, anger, and Shawn´s frantic need to gain control of himself so that he could help his friend.

Qui-Gon, on the other hand, picked up images that were all too clear, and they spurred him into a run. His Padawan wasn´t drunk, she was drugged; someone had put something in her drink and was trying to drag her away from the bar. Qui-Gon didn´t need to think hard to figure out their motives--his Padawan was a beautiful young woman. Unfortunately for her, she was also currently incapable of taking care of herself.

Mace had finally picked up the reason for Shawn´s anxiety, and was following closely on Qui-Gon´s heels, shouting out directions for a shortcut to the back entrance of the bar. Qui-Gon followed them without thought, his entire being focused on only one goal--reaching his Padawan before it was too late.

~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#~#

Although Shawn started drinking the minute he entered the bar, Siona kept to her resolve and ordered only fruit juice, determined not to disappoint her Master again. The bartender was someone that Siona didn´t recognize, a disreputable looking man who eyed her in a way that made her distinctly uncomfortable. Happy that her body was covered in her large robe, Siona took the drink, tossed the money at him, and moved away as quickly as possible.

The drink was sweet--almost sickeningly so--but Siona choked it down before joining Shawn on the dance floor. Having spent so much time together made the two adept at maneuvering as one--and if there was one thing Siona loved to do it was dance. It wasn´t long before they had both discarded their cloaks and attracted quite a crowd of watchers.

“Glad you came?” Shawn asked as he spun her through a complicated move that had them ending up chest to chest for the moment. Siona laughed before pushing him away for the next part of the dance, tossing him a wide grin over her shoulder. The smile was answer enough, and Shawn returned it with a smile of his own.

After five dances, the two were separated, Shawn to return to the bar and Siona to dance with another Padawan who had showed up. She was starting to feel slightly dizzy, and had the sickening suspicion that her drink had been spiked.

::Great,:: she thought fuzzily, laughing as her current partner tripped over his own feet and left them in a giggling heap on the floor. ::I set out with the intention of staying sober--next thing I know I´m plastered.:: Somehow she doubted that Qui-Gon would believe her if she protested that she hadn´t /meant/ to drink anything . . .

Her mind was already so affected that it didn´t even occour to her that one drink was hardly enough to get her drunk. She´d forgotten in the last few years how fun it could be to be pleasantly intoxicated, and as her partner hauled her back to her feet for another dance, she decided to enjoy it.

Two dances later she had no control over her body, and was forced to simply watch in horror as two strangers swept her up in between them and began to herd her towards the door. There was nothing she could do--her mind was too fuzzy to call for help and her body refused to obey her commands.

::MASTER!:: All of her strength went into that one desperate cry. Unable to control her projection, Siona threw the word out to the world, hoping someone would pick it up.

Across the room, she saw Shawn´s head fly up. He was searching the room for her, but her kidnappers had her body shielded from the rest of the room with theirs. The last thing she saw before she was shoved roughly out the door was Shawn struggling up onto the bar to get a better look at the room.

Bringing her into the cool air was a mistake. Whatever the drug was, it wasn´t potent enough to completely disable her--which meant that she could fight it from within. Gasping the fresh air into her lungs, Siona continued to sag weakly between the two men, all of her attention focused inward. The hours and hours of meditation paid off. It took her only a few moments to drop into a light trance, seeking the effects of the drug within her mind and counteracting them as best she could. She couldn´t erase them completely, as that would take time and a healer, but she could push them aside by bringing her consciousness forward so that it was higher than the drugs. Knowing full well that this was dangerous, she did it anyway. It was only a matter of seconds before she could begin to feel the strength flood into her limbs as all of the contamination of the poison was gathered in one part of her mind and shut away from the rest of her.

The two men were strong, well armed, and huge, each towering more than a head over Siona. The first one hit the ground before they had even realized she could move again, and the second one barely had time to pull his blaster before she had kicked it out of his hand, flipping around so that she was behind him and deftly sweeping his feet out from under him.

Siona tried to draw on the Force to send the two men into sleep, but in trying to do so, she inadvertently brushed the sickness that still infected her body and found herself falling to her knees in agony as her entire body began shudder in reaction.

“Drug´s getting stronger,” she gasped out, trying to force the pain back into the corner of her mind by focusing on her words. Hearing her voice trembling so violently scared her, and it was all she could do to force down the fear and struggle to her feet. Her lightsabre wasn´t at her belt--chances were they´d taken it while she was still unaware. No matter, she still had her hands and feet.

The fist that struck her suddenly on the jaw was half the size of her head, and sent her reeling back several steps until she impacted roughly against the wall behind her. The pain was almost welcome--it was pure pain instead of the sick pain of the drug--and she used it to focus herself. The Force may be closed off to her, but she didn´t spend hours a day practicing self-defense for nothing.

There were four men now, all strong and brutish looking, but none with the natural grace that would have identified them as a real threat. Feeling a little more confident, Siona choked back the pain again and settled back into a defense position. If they took her, she´d go down fighting.

Had the Force been available to her, the fight would have been uneven. Qui-Gon was one of the best warriors the Jedi had, and he had trained his young apprentice well. Siona was a marvel to behold, flowing casually from punch to kick, ducking and lunging without thought. When she was open to the living Force, Siona could defeat half a dozen opponents blindfolded just from knowing where they would strike before they did.

But the Force wasn´t open to her now, and Siona stumbled more than once. She had never tried to fight without the advantage of the ripples of the living Force around her, and found that without it, her edge was blunter. Instead of preemptive attacks and smooth evasion, she found herself blocking more often than not, constantly on the defensive.

Her guard slipped once, and a huge foot caught her in the stomach, flinging her off of her feet. Before she could regain her balance another foot caught her in the side, causing her to stumble roughly into the wall. She tripped over someone´s foot and went down--and the fight was over. They swarmed to pin her arms and legs, with one of them delivering a brutal kick to her bruised ribs and another slapping her sharply across the face.

Siona was still teetering on the edge of pain, just enough to keep her mind focused but not too much to make her lose control. She could feel the sickness in her body, becoming stronger than ever and fighting to take control again. Suppressing it within her had been dangerous--it would be harder to cleanse from her system now and more dangerous while it was there. Still she held it back, hoping that a clear head would give her the chance to escape she needed.

Siona ignored them as they threw vicious taunts at her. She ignored the cut of harsh rope against her skin as they tied her hands together tight enough to cut off all circulation. When one of them tore off her shirt and began to fondle her with bruising strength she said nothing, closing her eyes instead and slowly reciting the mantra against fear.

However when one of them ripped her pants down roughly she kicked out, catching her molester across the face with a kick strong enough to break bones. She heard his strangled cry, heard him curse her in a harsh voice. A boot connected with her face and the world dimmed for a moment--time enough for her pants to be removed. Someone knelt on her ankle, pressing down until the bones ground together and she cried out. The weight increased until her world narrowed down to the pain in her leg. One bone snapped, then another.

::MASTER!:: Pain gave her the strength she needed, as desperation fueled her cry. She could feel Qui-Gon reaching back frantically for her along their link, feel the rush of assurance and care. His love followed her down into the darkness where she went to hide. She wrapped herself inside his love, secure in the knowledge that there was one man who loved her--one man who would never hurt her. She didn´t even notice when the rape began.

***

Qui-Gon had never been angry enough that his rage overtook him before. He considered himself a calm man, and there was nothing so horrible that he could not step back from it, look at it from several angles, and then dissect it carefully and put it back together in a way that made sense to him.

The moment he rounded the corner and saw his Padawan sprawled helplessly in street, Qui-Gon Jinn lost himself in rage. There was no stepping back from the site of this woman--the girl who was his to protect and teach--being victimized by a gang of brutes in a dark back alley. His world narrowed down to Siona´s pain and his anger, a combination deadly for the attackers in the street. Two of the men were dead, sliced clean through by a shimmering green blade, before Mace even made it around the corner. A third fell as Mace slowed, terrified at the raw power radiating from his friend. The fourth had only time to stumble back a few steps before the blade of pure energy sliced through him, sending him sprawling back against the wall in two pieces.

Qui-Gon was on the ground next to Siona before the fourth man completed his fall, gathering the limp body close to him and trying to sense the depth of her injuries.

“Qui-Gon.” The voice from above him was cold reality slipping between Qui-Gon and his anger. He spared a glance for the alleyway, the blood still running from the mutilated bodies silent testimony to his destruction.

“They were hurting her, Mace.” Qui-Gon couldn´t say anything else--couldn´t bring himself to accept what he had done. He had lost sight of who he was, let hate and fear take control of him. He had touched the Dark Side. And what was worse was that he knew he would have done it again to save her life.

Was it wrong to be willing to touch the Dark to save the Light?

“We need to get her back to the Temple /now/, Qui-Gon,” Mace said anxiously above him, trying to urge Qui-Gon into action. The confusion was hidden well behind his dark eyes, but Qui-Gon knew that Mace was only waiting until Siona was safe before confronting his friend.

More than willing to heed Mace´s advice, Qui-Gon carefully gathered Siona up and cradled her gently against his chest as he headed back towards the Temple.

***

“What exactly is this supposed to mean?” Qui-Gon asked Healer Kriqu, his voice quivering with barely restrained tension. His hands were shaking as he thrust the crumpled piece of paper into the head Healer´s face.

“What is what supposed to mean, Qui-Gon?” was all Kriqu said, ignoring the paper that the younger man was waving in his face.

“‘Master Jinn--´” Qui-Gon read in a mocking voice, his eyes pools of blue fire. “‘Under the circumstances, we have deemed it necessary to remove Siona from your care, hopefully temporarily. Any questions should be directed to Head Healer Kriqu.´ I found this under my door this morning when I got up. What is this supposed to mean?”

“I think the meaning is clear, Qui-Gon,” Kriqu replied, putting his hand firmly on Qui-Gon´s elbow and steering the large man into a side office. “Please sit down.”

“I will not sit down,” Qui-Gon snapped. “You have no right to remove my Padawan from me. She needs my help to heal!”

“Qui-Gon, do you know what happened to Siona?” Kriqu´s voice was gentle, and the implied understanding in that tone made Qui-Gon want to sag to the floor in tears. He had been living in a sleepless nightmare since the moment he had brought Siona back to the Temple the night before, the pain still reverberating along their link.

“I know what happened to her,” Qui-Gon growled softly. “That´s why I need to be with her--so I can help her heal.”

“Qui-Gon.” Kriqu sighed softly and sat down, gesturing for the large Knight to do the same. “Siona has not only suffered a great deal of physical trauma. Physical wounds are easy enough for us to heal now; it will be a few weeks, but she´ll be back on her feet and no worse for the wear.”

“But?” Qui-Gon prompted when the silence had gone on too long.

“You´re a man,” Kriqu stated bluntly.

“That´s rather obvious.” Qui-Gon´s voice positively dripped sarcasm.

“Don´t get snappy with me, Qui-Gon,” Kriqu responded curtly. “I´m telling you this against the advice of the Mind Healer. She wanted you kept out of this entirely, but I thought it would be more detrimental if you decided to cut a hole in her wall with your lightsabre just to get to your Padawan.”

“What exactly am I being kept away from?” Qui-Gon asked.

“Your Padawan is a very stubborn woman. She´s been severely traumatized by her experience, but she won´t admit it.”

“I´m not sure I understand. Why can´t I see her?” Fear was rising up in Qui-Gon, fear strong enough to choke him.

“Qui-Gon, your Padawan has developed a fear of victimization at the hands of men. It´s entirely sub-conscious, I assure you--but it´s affecting her control of the Force even though she may not know it now. Until the Mind Healer, Kassi, has her more under control, we think it would be best if you stayed away.”

“I can´t stay away while she´s in pain!” Qui-Gon exploded, standing up again. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Jedi Jinn, please sit down. If you can´t keep yourself under control, then I will have to ask you to leave.” Kriqu´s voice was deadly serious, and Qui-Gon bowed beneath it, retaking his seat and fighting to control his emotions.

“When can I see her?” he asked finally.

“A week at the least,” Kriqu responded. “But before you see her, I´m going to have to ask you a few questions. They are rather personal in nature--but without this information I´m afraid we can´t let you see her.” The Healer raised an eyebrow. “Are you willing to answer them?”

“Ask,” Qui-Gon growled.

“Have you ever had any sexual contact with your Padawan?” The voice was neutral, but Qui-Gon could see in every line of Kriqu´s body that he expected the answer to be ‘yes´.

“No, I have not,” Qui-Gon responded truthfully. “I have done nothing with my Padawan that was either recognized as or intended to be sexual in nature.” ::Not that I didn´t want to.:: The thought popped into his head before he could completely suppress it--but Qui-Gon had been suppressing such thoughts for several months now, and was used to it.

“It´s important that you tell me the truth, Qui-Gon,” Kriqu said gently, leaning forward slightly. “This will not be passed on to anyone but Kassi, I promise. However, we desperately need this information to better help Siona.”

“I told you the truth,” Qui-Gon rumbled. “I did not, have not, and would never take advantage of my Padawan´s trust.”

“You are sure?” Kriqu asked again.

“I said I was sure,” Qui-Gon snapped. “I rather doubt that she snuck into my room while I was asleep and took advantage of me, so I´m going to have to say that the answer is no.” Qui-Gon´s eyes narrowed suddenly, and he stared at the Healer. “Why do you think I did?”

“Siona had certain . . . images . . . in her head. We had to decide if they were reality or--”

There was no need for Kriqu to finish the sentence--the word hung between the two men, palpable in the air.

Dreams.

Siona dreamed about him.

::Which means exactly nothing,:: Qui-Gon reminded himself harshly. ::And will mean even less if you can´t heal her. Master and Padawan. That´s all, for now. Master and Padawan.::

“What effect does that have on my involvement in the healing process?” Qui-Gon asked finally.

“It means that you need to stay away more now than you did before,” Kriqu responded. “If you were involved with her, it would mean that she was simply remembering you as a positive experience to counteract her negative experience. But--as it is, she is simply confused and unbalanced.” Kriqu leaned back in his chair, his gaze focused somewhere over Qui-Gon´s left shoulder as if he didn´t want to meet the Knight´s eyes. “There was another in her mind--a Padawan. We also would like to ascertain her relationship to him.”

“Shawn,” Qui-Gon said dully. “I´m not sure what their current relationship is, aside from being very close, but they have been . . . lovers . . . in the past.”

“Is he trust-worthy?” Kriqu questioned.

“Yes.” The word was torn from Qui-Gon, but he couldn´t lie--not when his Padawan was at stake. “Is he going to be allowed to see her before I am?” He couldn´t help the resentful tone of his voice.

“Yes.” Qui-Gon opened his mouth, but Kriqu held up his hand to forestall the inevitable questions. “Qui-Gon, because you care about her, I am going to tell you why you are not being allowed near her.”

“Why is that?” Despite efforts to control his voice, it came out as a low growl.

“One--you are a large, imposing man Qui-Gon--”

“She trusts me!” Qui-Gon interrupted.

“Yes, without reservation. That means little, however, since the problem will be on the subconscious level. Large, strong, imposing men are unsettling to her. Three such men brutalized her.” Pinning Qui-Gon in his seat with a glare, Kriqu held up a second finger. “Two--you are her Master. She wants desperately to make you proud of her--and she is unbelievably ashamed of what happened. Facing you will bring all of her insecurities to the surface, and she is not prepared to deal with them.”

“I could reassure her,” Qui-Gon protested. “I should see her so that she knows that I care for her and am proud of her.”

“No. Not until she is emotionally stable.” A third finger was held up. “Third and finally, Qui-Gon. I tell you this only because I know you are a noble man who will not take advantage of the knowledge.” Suddenly Kriqu was standing, looming over the still seated Qui-Gon. “Qui-Gon, Siona is in love with you. Not lust, not a crush, not hero-worship. Love. It has her tied in such knots that she hardly knows which way is up. She loves you, she wants you, she fears you--and now she feels unworthy of you.”

“Please--let me--” Qui-Gon´s lip was trembling now, tears standing in his eyes.

“No, Qui-Gon. This is real life, not a story, not a fantasy. True love does not heal all--and you bursting into her room to declare your undying love for her will do ten times more harm than good.” Taking pity on the lost look in Qui-Gon´s eyes, Kriqu moderated his voice. “This love will still be there in a week or two weeks--and you will be better prepared to deal with it. Normally you would need to seek the approval of either the Council or the Mind Healers to enter into a relationship with your Padawan. As you understand, this is a safe-guard to keep Masters from abusing the obedience of their apprentices.”

“Of course,” Qui-Gon said absently, not wanting Kriqu to know just how carefully he had already researched the procedure for seeking approval from the Council for a Master/Apprentice relationship.

“Under the circumstances, if you return her feelings, and I think you may, you could be the best tool we have in curing her.” Kriqu held up a hand as Qui-Gon opened his mouth to speak. “However--do not assume that this will be easy for you. If you decide to walk this path, you are going to be tested first by the Mind Healers. If they decide that there is even the slightest shred of doubt in your mind, they´ll deny you this chance. Siona´s health comes first.”

“I know that,” Qui-Gon protested. “You don´t think I´d hurt her, do you?”

“I don´t think you´d hurt her intentionally, Qui-Gon,” Kriqu responded. “But the question remains--what are your feelings for her?”

“I--I don´t know.” It galled him to admit it, but honesty compelled an answer.

“Then I suggest that you spend the next few days thinking about it. When you think you have an answer, contact me, and I´ll set up the tests for you.”

“Tests?”

“Qui-Gon--by the time Kassi is done with you, she´s going to know every single thought you´ve ever had about your Padawan, waking or sleeping, drunk or sober. It will most likely be an embarrassing experience, and without doubt very uncomfortable for you. However, in extreme cases like this, it is necessary.”

“I understand.” And he did. Siona´s well-being was far more important than his modesty--far more important than his life.

“I suggest you return to your quarters and begin your meditation,” Kriqu said, standing up and opening the door in a clear gesture of dismissal. “Siona will need to begin her healing at the end of the week. If you intend to do this, you need to be ready.”

Qui-Gon stood wordlessly and slipped out the door, thoughts already turned inwards.

Siona didn´t open her eyes at first, even though she was awake and well aware that Shawn was sitting beside her. His worry was palpable, grating painfully against her overly raw emotions.

She´d woken up a few times before, but always a gentle hand had immediately touched her forehead, sending her back to sleep. Trying to figure up the time by her internal clock, she was shocked to discover that it had been three days since she had left for the bar with Shawn.

For a few moments Siona simply existed, letting her mind float. Memories were foggy--but there. She remembered going to the club with Shawn. She remembered the foul tasting drink, the dancing--the men dragging her from the bar.

The fight wasn´t all that clear, memories tangled with remembered pain and the agony of the drug. She remembered the blow that took her down, remembered her ankle being broken--

Siona let out a low groan, clenching her jaw. Shawn´s hands were on her instantly, gently brushing her hair back from her face and trailing down her cheek. “I´m here, Siona. I´m here.”

Her skin crawled from the touch and she squirmed back, ignoring the pain as bruises and broken bones protested the movement. “Don´t touch,” she rasped out, breathing a sigh of relief when the hands pulled back.

“Siona, please look at me.”

That voice, that had called out to her in pain and joy and fear and passion--she couldn´t deny it. Shawn had known her since she could remember, knew everything about her. He could be trusted.

Eyes sliding open, Siona turned her head to meet the tear-filled eyes of her best friend. “I´m so sorry, Siona,” Shawn whispered, reaching out a hand towards Siona before jerking it back. “I´m sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Siona whispered, mind flinching back from the implications of the sentence. She didn´t even want to think about what had happened, didn´t want to remember it. She was a Jedi--she could make herself forget. Would make herself forget.

Jaw clenched with the effort, Siona reached out a hand to grasp Shawn´s, ignoring the physical agony and the mental pain. Alarms went off at her movement, bringing first a droid and then a Healer into the room.

“She isn´t supposed to be moving,” the young Healer snapped at Shawn, catching Siona´s hand and carefully lowering it back to her side. “You´ve got some nasty affects from that drug in you, Padawan Ja-Larkin. You can´t move at all--even talking. If you have to talk, use your head.”

“I´d rather not,” Siona replied carefully, using all of her control to get the words out. “I´m actually feeling much better.”

“Somehow I doubt that,” the Healer said, her tone gruffly affectionate as she smoothed Siona´s hair down. “I hate to say it, my dear--but you´re going to be feeling a lot worse before you start feeling better. We´ve got most of the drug out of you--but when the rest of it leaves it´s going to leave your brain wide open to the pain your body is in--and that´s not likely to be pleasant.”

“I´m no stranger to pain,” Siona replied. “I´ll be able to handle it.”

“Sleep for now,” the Healer said, laying a hand aside Siona´s head and brushing a gentle thumb across her cheek. “Sleep.”

Shawn watched as the Healer deftly sent Siona into a Force-Induced slumber, smoothing the wrinkles in Siona´s forehead out with a gentle hand.

“Is she supposed to be so, well--so calm?” Shawn asked finally, looking up to catch the Healer´s eyes. “She acted like nothing had happened.

“It´s a common reaction--and an unfortunate one,” the Healer responded, face sad. “I´m going to have to report this to Kassi, the Mind Healer. Siona´s decided to deal with this in the worst possible way--chances are she´s going to pretend it never happened. She´s strong enough to work through it rather easily--but if she doesn´t work through the issue, it will start to surface in all sorts of unfortunate ways.”

“What--what can I do?” Shawn asked softly.

“Come with me. Kassi´s talking to her Master right now, but when she´s done with Qui-Gon she´s going to want to talk to you.”

~~~~~~~

He was actually sweating. Qui-Gon Jinn, unflappable Jedi Knight, was sweating.

The questions had started off easily enough, why Qui-Gon had picked Siona as his Padawan, what his feelings had been like when he had helped teach her as a child. Describing his affection and caring for the young girl Siona had been was no difficulty--but when Kassi demanded that Qui-Gon drop his shields for the next part of questioning, he knew it was going to get worse.

Her mind sifted deftly through his as new questions were thrown at him--when was the first time he ever looked at Siona and saw a woman? When was the first time he´d looked on her with desire? How often since that time had he felt that way about her? As he stuttered out answers to the embarrassing questions, he could feel her mind sorting through his thoughts, examining feelings that went along with the memories. It was disturbing and uncomfortable--and unpleasantly revealing.

Qui-Gon could feel her amusement as she pulled up one of his old dreams, one inspired from the night he had danced with her at a bar in the lower levels shortly after her eighteenth birthday. More dreams followed, some making Qui-Gon flush as Kassi sorted through them, cataloguing emotions and reactions as if she were sorting nothing more exotic than laundry.

When she started delving into his fantasies, Qui-Gon slammed his shields up abruptly. “Isn´t that enough?” he demanded harshly, his face flaming and his eyes wild. “You´ve seen everything there is to see.”

“A little touchy, aren´t we Jedi Jinn?” Kassi asked, jotting something down on a notebook sitting in her lap. “Don´t worry--you´re fantasies will remain untouched. I think I have what I need.”

“And?” Qui-Gon demanded a little shakily. If he had gone through that for nothing . . .

“And I believe that your sentiments towards your Padawan are genuine,” Kassi said, almost grudgingly. “I´m still going to have you on a strict schedule with her--the relationship must be carefully monitored in the first few weeks. She´s not reacting the way we had hoped she would, which is going to make your job infinitely more difficult.”

“I´ll do anything to help her,” Qui-Gon said softly, meeting Kassi´s eyes.

The hard brown eyes softened slightly as Kassi sighed. “Yes, Qui-Gon, I believe you would. If I didn´t, you´d be sent out on a mission tomorrow and not allowed back until Siona was healthy again.”

Qui-Gon rose shakily to his feet, eyes blazing. “Is that a--”

“Peace, Qui-Gon,” Kassi said tiredly, rising to place a hand on Qui-Gon´s shoulder. “It wasn´t meant to be a threat. I just wanted to impress the severity of the situation on you. This is not going to be pleasant. For either of you.” Rubbing a hand across her forehead, Kassi gestured towards the door, settling back in her seat. “If you don´t mind, Qui-Gon, I have a meeting with Shawn now. I´ll send word to you later tonight--we´ll have to meet a few times in the next week to discuss how we´ll proceed with this.”

“Shawn--is he . . .”

“No, Qui-Gon. Shawn is not a replacement for you. However, for the next few days a friend will be more important than a lover--and he can be that for her. You´re the one that she seems to love, don´t worry about that.”

“With all due respect, Kassi--I think a little worry is understandable in this situation.” Shaking his head softly, Qui-Gon left the room.

~~~~~~

When they finally let her wake up, Siona knew that another day had passed. She had been moved to a room by herself, sterile and impersonal--but blessedly empty of the intimidating medical equipment. Before she even opened her eyes she knew that Depa Bilaba, long time friend of her Master and long time mentor to herself, was sitting in the chair next to the bed.

“I know you´re awake, Siona,” Depa said casually, reaching out a hand to run gently through Siona´s hair. “If you don´t want to talk, you don´t have to. I´ll be here for as long as you need me, and I´m more than happy to wait.”

It was reassuring in some way that Depa didn´t expect anything of Siona. Smiling softly, Siona let her eyes drift open.

“It´s okay, Master Depa,” she said softly, mindful of the hoarse rasping of her voice through damaged vocal cords. “I´m fine.”

“Siona, don´t waste your energy and your breath saying things that we both know aren´t true.” Depa´s eyes were soft as she reached out to touch Siona´s cheek. “You´re not fine, Siona--and you won´t be until you can see that.”

“There´s nothing wrong with me that a little meditation won´t cure,” Siona responded. “And thanks to my Master, I´m very, very good at meditating.”

“I´ve always thought Qui-Gon put too much emphasis on meditation,” Depa muttered, hand drifting up to smooth Siona´s hair. “Your Master is wise, Siona--but hardly infallible. Meditation does not solve all problems, much as he´d like to think so.”

Letting her eyes drift shut again, Siona sighed softly. It really didn´t matter much what her Master thought now. She´d proved herself unworthy of him. Padawan to the greatest warrior in the order, and she couldn´t even beat off a couple of low-life street thugs. Because of her, Qui-Gon had killed four men . . . killed them in cold blood.

She was hardly worth it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Insecurities, fear, self-loathing--your Padawan is a classic case study in post-rape trauma, Qui-Gon.” Shaking her head, Kassi leaned forward and shoved a stack of paper across the desk to Qui-Gon. “Read this . . . it should give you an idea of what she´s going through. You´ll never understand without undergoing it yourself, but this is as close as you´ll get.”

“When can I see her?” Qui-Gon asked, ignoring the stack of paper. “Has she asked to see me?”

“Qui-Gon, you´ve /got/ to understand something.” Rolling her eyes, Kassi leaned forward and stabbed a finger at Qui-Gon´s forehead. “She thinks that she´s disgraced your training. She feels unworthy of you on every level possible right now, and is convinced that you never want to see her again.”

“That´s absurd!” Qui-Gon was a perfect study of outraged protector, and for a wild moment Kassi had the overwhelming urge to take a picture of him to add to her educational files.

Shoving the thought aside, the Healer sat back and her chair and regarded Qui-Gon levely. “She´s twenty times better today than she was yesterday, and a hundred times better than she was when we found her. Shawn is working minor miracles with her--if that boy weren´t such a diplomat I´d spirit him away to be a trauma Healer.”

“Is she--”

“Hush! Don´t interrupt me again, Qui-Gon Jinn, or by the Force I´ll have you out of this office on your behind.” Qui-Gon´s eyes were slightly wide as he settled back into his seat--but Kassi supposed no one had ever spoken to him that way before.

“As I was saying, Jedi Jinn . . . Shawn is helping her tremendously. A few more days and she´ll be ready to be released to your care. That´s when the real work starts.”

“What real work?” Qui-Gon asked a little nervously.

“Read the packet,” Kassi responded, gesturing towards the stack of paper. “Come back tomorrow, and be prepared for a pop quiz. You´re not getting within a speaking distance of that girl until I´m convinced that you´re ready.”

It took every bit of self control Qui-Gon possessed not to slam the door on his way out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“This is absurd,” Siona exclaimed, looking over her shoulder at Shawn. “I´m not some whimpering little victim who needs to be coddled. Just let me back to my Master and back to my training!”

“No one said you´re a whimpering little victim,” Shawn soothed softly, hands resting on Siona´s shoulders. “We just want to make sure you´re all right.”

“I´m all right!” Siona snapped, shrugging one shoulder and trying to dislodge Shawn´s hand. “I want to go back to my normal life and forget all of this, okay?”

“Heart-sister, there´s no forgetting.” Hands drifted down to hug her gently before returning to her shoulders. “Now just do the exercises so that Kassi is happy and then you can go home.”

Rolling her eyes, Siona reached out with the Force to lift the several balls at the end of the room, each one attached to a ribbon. With barely a thought, Siona began manipulating them so that they wove around each other, forming a complicated braid.

Half way through the exercise, Shawn slid one hand down Siona´s side and across her stomach, caressing lightly. Her entire body stiffened, but she continued without pause, the balls flying slightly faster.

Shawn´s hand crept up until it was hovering just below the swell of her breast. Closing his eyes against what he had to do, Shawn brought his hand up to gently cup her breast.

Two of the balls stopped dead in the air before dropping, the third flying erratically off into a corner and the forth holding still. Wide-eyed, Siona jerked her body away from Shawn, trying desperately to hide the way her body trembled.

“Why did you--” Gulping, Siona swallowed the rest of the sentence, wrapping arms around herself and shivering.

“I had to, Siona,” Shawn whispered, crawling towards Siona and reaching out his arms. “I had to show you that you´re not whole.”

“I was just--” With a shuddering sigh, Siona lifted her eyes to meet Shawn´s. “I´m not whole, am I?” Violet eyes swam suddenly behind a sheen of tears, tears she was desperate not to shed. “I thought--I thought if I didn´t think about it . . .”

“Kassi has told you about Qui-Gon, hasn´t she?” Shawn asked, arms still outstretched. With a visible wince Siona forced herself into his arms, hiding her face in his neck.

“A little,” she mumbled, cheeks suddenly flaming. Throughout the entire course of her infatuation with Qui-Gon, she had never once let herself even think that anything might come of it. Being told that her feelings were returned was overwhelming enough--but Kassi had told her point blank that Qui-Gon had offered himself to her with open mind and heart. It was a dream that she´d never let herself have--and it had come true.

“Are you willing now to admit that you need it?” Shawn threw the question out casually, trying not to let Siona see how important the answer was.

“I--” Lifting her face, Siona stared into Shawn´s emerald eyes. “Yes, Shawn. I need help.”

“And . . .” Shawn prompted softly.

“And my Master can give it to me.” Burrowing her face back into Shawn´s shoulder, she grasped his tunic desperately as her body began to shake with sobs. “I don´t know if I dare,” she gasped out between sobs, taking little comfort in the warm circle of Shawn´s arms around her. “I don´t know if I can.”

“It´ll be okay,” Shawn whispered, smoothing Siona´s hair down with a gentle hand. “Qui-Gon will make it okay.”

~~~~~~~~~~

Qui-Gon felt like a fifteen year old on his first date, and Mace was definitely not making it better by laughing at him.

“Leave me alone, Windu, or I swear by the Force . . . I´ll--”

“You´ll what?” Mace responded, rolling his eyes as Qui-Gon paced back and forth in the small room, waiting anxiously for permission to finally see his Padawan. “Sit down, Qui-Gon. You´re going to wear a hole in your boots.”

“I haven´t seen her since it happened,” Qui-Gon said as if he hadn´t even heard Mace. “Shawn says she´s different--but how? How will I know what to say?”

“Live in the moment and let your feelings guide you,” Mace said in his best Qui-Gon impersonation, trying to stifle a smile as Qui-Gon spun on him.

“Oh, very funny,” Qui-Gon snapped, coming to a halt in front of his friend. “Mace, I´m serious. There is a severely traumatized young woman in there. We tell these children that they are invincible. None of them are prepared for the kind of violation she underwent. What do you do when everything you believed is proved to be wrong?”

Mace´s face went serious as he gazed up at his friend. “You tell them that it isn´t their fault, and you teach them how to be strong,” he responded softly. “But I agree, Qui-Gon--something has to change. If I get the Council seat--”

“They aren´t invincible, Mace. /We/ aren´t invincible. We can hurt, we can die. We can be drugged and violated. . .” Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon clenched his jaw. “And we are powerless to stop it.”

Before Mace could respond the door slid open. “She´s ready to see you, Qui-Gon, Sir,” a young apprentice Healer said softly, gesturing towards the open door. “If you´ll come this way.”

“She´ll be all right,” Mace said, clasping Qui-Gon´s hand gently. “She´s strong, Qui-Gon. She´ll recover.”

“I believe in her,” Qui-Gon responded, following the apprentice through the door.

~~~~~~~~

Apprehension had painted horrible possibilities from the moment Siona found out Qui-Gon was on his way. Having finally accepted that she needed help, she was unsure what her reaction to her Master would be. Would she feel uncomfortable? Fear him? Feel shame or dislike or even terror . . .

By the time he slipped through the door she had herself worked nearly to a fever pitch, fingers clenched in the bedding as she forced herself to breath normally.

“Siona? Are you . . . are you all right?” Qui-Gon asked haltingly, taking a hesitant step towards the side of the bed before stopping and shifting his weight from foot to foot self-consciously.

Staring at the man who had been her world for so long, Siona forced her emotions to calm and tried to decide what she felt.

Terror--no. There was nothing to fear in the kind blue eyes and gentle face. Shame . . . well, a little, maybe. But shame that she needed help, not at what had happened. Knowing that it was no fault of her own, she had moved past shame and guilt long ago, something the Healers had been very pleased at.

Dislike--definitely not. Her body ached for his touch even as it shied away from it, and she longed for the gentle presence of his mind against hers. Letting the shields she´d erected over the past week drop, she reached out along the bond to find his presence.

“Padawan,” he whispered, taking the remaining steps to the bed before cupping a cheek carefully in one large palm. “Oh, my Siona. I--”

“I have agreed not to take any blame, Qui-Gon,” she said softly, smiling at her Master as she leaned into the tentative caress. “You must do your part and take no blame upon yourself.”

“If you insist,” he whispered, thumb sneaking out to brush the skin underneath her eyes.

She tried--by the Force how she tried--but she couldn´t quite control the flinch as he touched her face. Trying to keep her eyes neutral she stared up at him, heart sinking as the understanding filled his eyes and the hand left her face.

“It is too soon for that, I think,” Qui-Gon comforted, letting his hand rest for a few moments on Siona´s before retreating fully. “Don´t rush things, my Siona. Your health is paramount.”

“When may I come home?” Siona asked softly, reaching up to brush fingers against the hand that hung limply by Qui-Gon´s side. His fingers twitched slightly, entwining with her own softly.

“Whenever you wish, Padawan,” Qui-Gon replied, blue eyes wide. “Whenever you are ready.”

“Now,” she breathed, tightening her hand on his.

The smile he gave her erased all doubts. The love, the caring . . .

 . . . the passion. Qui-Gon Jinn loved her like she had never even hoped he would, loved her almost more than she was prepared to deal with. And he had already made it clear to her through a rather extensive letter given her the day before that he was not only willing, but eager, to manage the details of her healing.

Her Master wanted to love her. Wanted to make love to her. Wanted to hold her and prove to her that everything was right in the world.

Returning his smile with one of her own, Siona decided she was willing to let him.

Pray it was soon.
~~~~~~~~~

“Master, you´re going to have to do it eventually.”

Qui-Gon looked up from where he was sorting through various translations, looking for the right version for his ethics class the next afternoon. Siona had pulled on her loose sleep pants and shirt and was standing at the door to the common area, leaning against the door slightly. Although she appeared to be completely healthy, Qui-Gon could still feel the bone-deep weariness that threatened to overwhelm her.

“You should be in bed,” he responded curtly, reaching out along their bond to send her a subtle Force command. “You need rest.”

Her mind brushed his command aside easily, and her eyes flared. “I´ve spent the last two weeks in bed,” Siona snapped, ignoring the raised eyebrow her outburst earned her. “You´re treating me like I´m made of glass, Master.”

“You were hurt badly, Siona,” Qui-Gon said softly. “I´m following the instructions of the head Healer.”

“Are you really, Master?” Siona asked softly, pushing away from the door to move across the room and sink to the floor at his feet. Her eyes were bright with conflicting emotions--anger, frustration, fear . . .

“Siona, you´re going to have to speak a little more bluntly,” Qui-Gon replied, turning away from the table to direct his full attention to his Padawan. “I´ve followed all of the instructions to the best of my ability.”

Siona smirked, her face suddenly an unreadable mask. “Really, Master. Of all the things you aren´t capable of doing, I never thought this was one of them.”

“Siona--” Qui-Gon cautioned, suddenly terribly afraid he knew where this was leading.

“If you don´t want to help me, than just say so!” Siona exploded suddenly, throwing herself to her feet. “I´ve been told by the Healers what will eventually have to happen, and Kriqu said that you wanted to be the one to do it.” Her eyes flashed again, from unreadable violet to ice cold blue, pain staring out at Qui-Gon as if she´d screamed in agony.

“Siona--” Qui-Gon said again, reaching out a hand to touch his Padawan, shaking his head gently when she jerked back with a flash of fear. “See?” he asked sadly. “How can I . . .” he paused for a moment, obviously stumbling over the words. “How can I make. . . make love to you . . . when you´re afraid of me? I won´t hurt you like that, Siona. I can´t. I´m your Master.”

“Don´t you see what this is doing to me?” Siona whispered softly, forcing herself to move forward to touch Qui-Gon with a visible flinch of pain. “I can´t control my emotions, Master. I can´t control anything.”

“It will hurt you, Padawan,” Qui-Gon said, carefully controlling the need to reach out to her. “It´s too soon. We have time still.”

“Damn time!” she said softly. “Kassi said that this should have happened a week ago. She´s furious with you and Kriqu--she said that if you don´t do a better job, she´s going to have me removed from your care.” Tears formed in the large eyes but Siona blinked them back, ignoring them. “Please. Please do this now.”

“Do you really want to?” Qui-Gon asked in a shaking voice.

“No,” Siona responded promptly, reaching out a hand to soothe the sudden pain in Qui-Gon´s face. “No, don´t misunderstand me, Master. I want to. I´ve wanted to for a long time--but I don´t want to either.”

“You´re going to have to explain that one a little better, Padawan,” Qui-Gon said with a hollow laugh--trying to suppress the fear that was threatening to strangle him.

“Master, the thought of . . . of being with somebody--it repels me right now. I know the base of the feelings, and it is a weakness I cannot afford to have. To overcome it, I need to be with a person I trust.” Wide eyes stared up at Qui-Gon with complete and total faith, only a faint trace of fear marring the beautiful perfection of his Padawan´s eyes.

Qui-Gon slipped out of his chair to kneel with his knees touching Siona´s, reaching out slowly to cup her head with one large hand.

“Siona, I won´t do this tonight. I always thought . . .” Qui-Gon trailed off, a slow flush building in his face. “I always thought that if we did add the--the physical aspect to our relationship, it would be different.”

“I hadn´t exactly planned it this way either, Master,” Siona said softly, lifting a hand to lay against Qui-Gon´s.

“That´s not what I meant,” Qui-Gon responded, frustrated. “I wanted it to be--gradual. I never thought that I would just one day up and--and have--make--love--”

“You´re stuttering like a terrified virgin,” Siona said, smiling up at Qui-Gon. “Surely this isn´t a new experience for you.”

“It is, my Padawan.” Lifting his other hand, he cradled Siona´s face between his palms, thumbs sneaking out to brush against the soft skin under her eyes. “I am not accustomed to going directly from being friends to being physical. I believe that a physical sharing should move more . . . slowly . . .”

“If only I had more time.” Siona stared up her Master, eyes suddenly guarded. “If things were different . . .”

“But they are not different, my Padawan,” Qui-Gon said, slipping into his role as teacher to block away the pain he knew would strangle his heart at the words he was honor-bound to speak. “Perhaps, under the circumstances, you should look to Shawn for the healing comfort you need.”

If Qui-Gon lived to Master Yoda´s age, he was sure he would never again see something that hurt him so deeply as the sight of Siona´s eyes. Hurt, shock, unworthiness--

--but what startled Qui-Gon the most--dull acceptance. As if she had expected Qui-Gon to speak these words, and it only confirmed something she believed.

The instincts of a man in love warred for a few minutes with the instincts of a teacher bent on doing the best for his student no matter what the personal cost. He could speak now--prove the pain in those eyes wrong. It wouldn´t be what was best for her in the long run--but to swear his love and erase the pain . . .

The teacher won out. His Padawan came first--always would come first. He watched in horror as the pain was carefully shielded behind Siona´s suddenly dull eyes. She gave a faint smile, pulling back from Qui-Gon and rising gracefully to her feet.

“Understandable, my Master. I shall speak to Kassi tomorrow, and explain the situation. Things will be well, I´m sure.” Siona bowed slightly to Qui-Gon before turning to head towards her room again.

“Siona--” Qui-Gon started, but she cut him off with a look.

“I´ve disturbed your studies enough for the evening, my Master. I leave you to your work.”

Without another word, Siona resumed her stride to her sleeping room, letting the door slide closed behind her. A few moments later the small red light next to the panel went on, indicating that she´d locked the door.

Qui-Gon stood calmly. Without bothering to put shoes on he left the room, maintaining his calm, stoic expression as faithfully as he would a defense during battle. Without even realizing it his feet took him down the familiar hallway leading to Depa Bilaba´s room.

Depa was sleep-tousled and groggy when she opened the door, clutching a lose robe around her.

“Qui-Gon?” she asked, noting with some startlement the dull look in his eyes.

Calm crumbled, and Depa barely had time to get Qui-Gon into her rooms before he collapsed to the floor, sobbing like a lost child.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn awoke from a restless sleep when someone entered his sleeping chambers, and within moments he was on his feet, lightsabre ignited in one hand.

“A little jumpy, aren´t we?” a caustic voice demanded from next to the door. Recognizing Siona, Shawn groaned and deactivated his lightsabre, setting it back down on the bedside table.

“Isn´t it a little late for visiting?” Shawn asked jovilly, moving across the room to gather his friend up in a comforting hug. Siona buried herself into his embrace, mumbling something intelligible against his neck.

“What is it, Lark?” he asked softly, using his private nickname for her. Still cradling her close with one hand he used the other to coax her chin up, forcing her to meet his eyes.

Instead of answering him, Siona reached up to seize his head between her hands, dragging him down to her for a desperate kiss.

It was hardly the first time Siona had kissed him--but for a few moments shock held Shawn in place as Siona continued to kiss him, hands tangling in his short hair and crushing his face to hers.

Then he realized what was going on, and pushed her back as gently as he could. “Siona--what in the name of all that´s holy are you /doing/?” he demanded a little shakily. Although theirs was a relationship founded on friendship, it was hardly immune to desire--something Shawn was becoming increasingly aware of as his body stirred in reaction.

“I need you, Shawn. Need you to love me. Need you to hold me.” Eyes wild, Siona tried to pull him back down to her, growling in frustration when he resisted.

“Uh-uh, darling. I´m going to need a little more than that.” Shawn reached up to pull her hands down from his head, leading her over to his bed and pushing her down, kneeling at her feet. “What happened with you and Qui-Gon?” he asked gently.

“Qui-Gon wishes to pass the unpleasant duties of facing my fears on to you,” Siona snarled, holding back tears by the thinnest of threads. “Let me guess, you don´t want to either.”

“Siona, I would be happy, honored, and glad to help you in any way possible,” Shawn stated plainly, holding up a hand when Siona opened her mouth. “But not tonight.”

“I need it tonight,” Siona replied sullenly.

“No, you need to discuss this with Kassi.” Shawn reached up to brush a finger down Siona´s cheek. “I love you dearly, love of my heart, but I´m not quite willing to give my life up--and if I went against Kassi´s plans, she´d most likely kill me. Slowly and painfully, no doubt.”

A ghost of a smile crossed Siona´s face before it crumpled again, and she slid to the floor to curl up in Shawn´s arms, sobbing.

“He--he doesn´t want me,” she forced out, the words muffled against Shawn´s neck.

Holding Siona closer, he settled back for a long night.

~~~~~~~~~

Depa closed the door to her sleeping quarters, moving silently across the room to the communicator in the corner. It was a matter of moments to call Mace´s room--and the fact that the other Jedi answered immediately, even at so late an hour, told Depa all she needed to know.

“Has he gotten her to sleep yet?” Depa asked Mace without preamble.

“I think he just did,” Mace responded, his face looking concerned. “What in the Force did they do to each other?”

“Hit a snag, is all. A miscommunication, a misunderstanding.” Depa sighed, running a hand through her tangled hair. “Qui-Gon´s got himself convinced that he´s doing the best thing by ignoring his feelings for Siona. I´m guessing she ran to Shawn to throw herself into his bed--” Depa´s eyes widened suddenly. “Oh dear gods--she didn´t succeed, did she?”

“No, Shawn has more sense than that,” Mace responded. “Just a second, he just came out of his room.”

Mace´s face disappeared to be replaced by a harried looking Shawn. The young man was shirtless and disheveled, but still bowed politely before asking the question that was obviously on his mind.

“Is Qui-Gon crazy?”

“Padawan--” Mace reprimanded from the background, but Shawn brushed the warning off. “Is he?” he repeated.

“No, Shawn. Qui-Gon is hurt. Very much in pain and very confused.”

“Whatever he did to her nearly broke her,” Shawn stated bluntly. “Drove her from whatever balance she had found into a different kind of insanity.”

“I´ll come and talk to her tomorrow,” Depa said wearily. “Don´t let her leave unless it´s with you and then only to see the Healers.”

“I´ll keep her here,” Shawn replied, looking a little guilty. “I, uh--well, I kind of leaned on her mind a little. She probably won´t wake up until midday--but, well--I thought, I thought--”

“You did right, Shawn,” Depa said encouragingly. “Keep her asleep if you can. The minute she wakes, call me. Now let me talk to your Master again, please.”

“Thank you, Master Bilaba,” Shawn said, bowing again before disappearing. Mace´s anxious face appeared again.

“What are you going to do?” he asked.

“I´m going to talk some sense into that man when he wakes up tomorrow. And then I´m going to go and talk to Siona--and you´re going to come over here to make sure he doesn´t talk the sense back out of himself.” Depa grimaced, rolling her eyes. “The Force knows he´d do it. I don´t know how a man so in tune with the living Force can be so blind to the living!”

“I´ll be there tomorrow, Depa.” Mace paused, his voice hesitant. “Is--is it going to be all right, Depa? I love Siona like a daughter--she´s been so good for Qui-Gon. I can´t stand to think that this will break them apart.”

“We aren´t going to let it, Mace.”

Mace smiled slightly. “I wish I could be as sure as you, Depa.”

As his image faded from the screen, Depa could only bite her lip and wish that she really was sure.

~~~~~~~~~~~

“Wake up, dear.”

Qui-Gon resisted the subtle command in the words, rolling over in the strange bed and dragging the pillow over his head. His eyes were still swollen from the weeping the night before, and the thought of pulling himself from the solace of dreams was so repulsive that he could barely think.

“Stop this at once, Qui-Gon. You´re a Jedi and a grown man, stop acting like a self-pitying child.”

“Leave me be,” Qui-Gon pleaded softly, tears starting to leak out again. He had broken his Padawan´s heart last night. He wasn´t worthy to be called a Jedi, wasn´t even worthy to be called a man. He was just a fool--a fool who had been given power and had misused it.

“This is pathetic, Qui-Gon. You have the power to make everything right, and instead you´re going to sulk. If you won´t get up for yourself, do it for Siona. You owe her that much.”

He did owe it to her. Whatever she needed, he owed it to her. Sighing with resignation, Qui-Gon rolled over and pulled the pillow from his head, wincing as the lights flared on, momentarily blinding him.

“Up, Qui-Gon. Go and take a shower, and then come into the living room.” Depa stood at the foot of the bed, her arms crossed and her face set into her ‘no-nonsense´ expression. “You´ve got fifteen minutes before I come in there after you. Now go.”

Glaring, Qui-Gon rolled to his feet, almost but not quite storming across the room. Depa had left a towel and a clean change of his clothing--how she´d gotten it he didn´t even want to know--in the bathing room, along with soap and shampoo.

Qui-Gon spent a few minutes scrubbing the remains of the tears off of his face, letting the hot water soothe his tense shoulders before turning it off and climbing out.

Depa was waiting for him in the living room, arms still crossed and face still set in serious lines. She nodded at him, pointing to a chair directly across from her. “Sit,” was all she said.

Qui-Gon sat, eyebrows drawing together as Depa continued to stare at him. The silence stretched out painfully, making Qui-Gon shift uncomfortably.

“How long have we known each other?” Depa said finally, breaking the silence. Qui-Gon started a little, blinking at the unexpected question.

“Since we were about five,” he responded carefully. “Over thirty years.”

“In all of that time, Qui-Gon Jinn, I´ve never seen you lie to yourself before.” Depa´s eyes bored into Qui-Gon´s making him squirm. “You told me what you did last night--and you told me why you did it. But you lied.”

“What are you talking about, Depa?” Qui-Gon snapped. “I told you exactly why I did what I did--I´m her teacher, I have to look out for--”

“Bullshit.” The obscenity startled Qui-Gon--in all of thirty years he had never heard a single curse pass through her lips. Depa was calm personified. Depa was tranquil. Depa never got mad.

But she was furious now--furious with him, furious /for/ him--for what she thought he had lost. For what she thought he had destroyed. Flailing mentally, Qui-Gon tried to defend himself against the horrible accusation that stood plainly in her eyes.

“Depa, you know I don´t like to take things quickly--to move from friendship to lovers without any time to process--” He was cut off by another curse from Depa, who rolled her eyes dramatically.

“Qui-Gon, would you like to remind me precisely how we became lovers, fifteen years ago?” Depa´s eyes nailed Qui-Gon to the seat, and he flushed, remembering the day so many years ago when he had turned their relationship from friendship to something much more with a single action. Depa was right--there had been no preamble, he had simply decided he wanted her. And acted.

“We--I--that´s different, Depa. It was my first time, things weren´t like they are now . . .”

“Nothing is different, Qui-Gon.” Depa shut her eyes and rubbed a hand across her forehead. “Qui, my darling man--please stop denying this. If you would just admit that you are avoiding something, we could stop arguing and figure out what has you so terrified about this that you´re tying yourself in knots.” Opening her eyes she gazed at Qui-Gon, and the compassion and caring he found there nearly floored him. “Qui-Gon, you´re not good at lying to yourself. Let me help you.”

Qui-Gon´s shoulders sagged. “I thought that was the real reason when I said it,” he said softly. “I really did. I still do--but you´re right. I´m /not/ good at lying to myself--and I owe it to her to find out what´s wrong, don´t I?”

“Yes, Qui-Gon. You do.”

~~~~~~~~

The words came slowly at first, Qui-Gon fighting to express feelings that he´d never dare to face in daylight. His feelings for his Padawan, his fear that he wouldn´t be able to contain his love. The even greater fear that if she did return his feelings, it would destroy the careful balance they´d struck between them.

“We can barely balance love and friendship,” Qui-Gon said wearily. “If we had to add more emotions into the equation, I´m not sure what it would do. We´d lose our focus, if nothing else.”

“Not necessarily,” Depa responded slowly. “Although not common, there have been many Masters and Padawan´s who decided to become lovers--and even bonded couples--and only in extremely rare cases was it detrimental or harmful. If handled correctly, it can add depth and clarity to the bond.”

“Maybe if it had happened under less stressful circumstances . . .” Qui-Gon trailed off. “I´m scared, Depa. Terrified--and I don´t know why.”

“Maybe meditation--”

“No, Depa.” Sad blue eyes raised to meet Depa´s, and her heart ached at the pain hidden there. “Meditation is good, and it can help a great deal--but it doesn´t answer all questions.”

“Okay.” Sitting back in her chair, Depa ran a tired hand across her face, glancing at the chrono on the wall. “We´ve got a few hours still before your Padawan wakes up. I suggest we have everything straightened out before then, Qui-Gon.”

“I wish I had your confidence,” Qui-Gon muttered wryly.

“I´m not confident, I´m stubborn.” Depa pursed her lips, tilting her head to the side. “What makes you scared?”

“I told you, I don´t--”

“No, not what are you afraid of. What makes you scared? Does the thought of going to bed with Siona scare you?”

The dull flush in Qui-Gon´s cheeks spoke loudly enough, and Depa hid a half smile. “It´s not the physical aspect that you´re afraid of then?”

“No, that´s not it.” Qui-Gon flushed deeper, shifting in his chair.

“Does the thought of waking up with her scare you?” Depa asked. Qui-Gon shook his head, staring at something over Depa´s shoulder.

“No, that doesn´t either. I love her, Depa. That´s not in question. I want to be with her, but I´m afraid--” Blue eyes widened suddenly, fastened on to Depa´s brown ones.

“Afraid--” she prompted after a few long moments.

“Afraid that some morning I won´t wake up with her,” Qui-Gon said softly. “That I´ll hurt her, and she´ll leave. That she will grow tired of me. That this really is just a fixation on her Master, and not love for me as a man. That what happened to her has destroyed any chance she has to love.”

Depa had a hard time concealing a sigh of relief. The floodgate had opened, leaving Qui-Gon wide open to his emotions.

Their bond of friendship flared with the sudden emotions, giving Depa a clear view into Qui-Gon´s heart. Even as she reached out to embrace the feelings, soothing the pain as much she could, an idea began to form in the back of her head.

“It´s going to be okay,” she murmured, moving across the room to kneel by her friend. This time, the words didn´t sound false to her ears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Shawn was still sitting silent vigil at the end of the bed when Siona finally came out of her Force-induced sleep, rolling over and mumbling something unintelligible. Suddenly she sat bolt upright in the bed, eyes widening.

“What am I doing here?” she demanded, scrambling back so that her back was against the wall and glaring at Shawn.

“Do you remember?” Shawn asked patiently. For a few moments Siona said nothing, but the sudden burst of emotional pain that echoed across their link told him louder than words that she did.

What startled him more was how quickly that pain was shut off--and that it didn´t even show for a second on her face. Siona was supressing her feelings, and doing so with a success that terrified Shawn.

“No.” Holding out a hand, he cupped Siona´s face, brushing a thumb across the soft skin beneath her eye. “No. You aren´t fooling me, Siona. You can look happy, you can act happy--you can hide all of your pain behind a wall--but it won´t do any good. I know you.”

“I´d prefer not to dwell on it, Shawn,” Siona said softly. “I´m obviously unworthy of my Master´s--”

“You,” Shawn interrupted, touching Siona´s forehead with one extended finger, “are a fool. Not unworthy, but a fool nonetheless.”

“Now that we´ve got that straightened out,” Siona responded, batting Shawn´s hand away, “I´d like to--”

“No. We´ve got nothing sorted out.” Shawn shifted into a more comfortable position, keeping his eyes fixed on Siona. “Why did you come here last night?”

“That´s irrelevant,” Siona snapped. “I´ve taken care of everything. It´s all sorted out--there is no reason to open this discussion again.”

Shawn heaved an exasperated sigh, but before he could respond the door to the right of him slid open, admitting a rather testy looking Depa.

“That´s enough, Shawn. I need to speak to Siona for a while.”

“Of course, Master Bilaba,” Shawn said quickly, bouncing to his feet and heading towards the door.

“I´m fine, Master Depa,” Siona started before Depa could speak. “I just need a little time to myself, and I´ll have things sorted out.”

“No, you won´t, Siona.” Depa moved to sit across from Siona on the bed, tucking her feet under her and giving Siona a long, appraising look. “You can´t lie to me any more than your Master can.”

“What would my Master have to lie about?” Siona inquired politely. “My problems are not his concern.”

“Siona, you are a very intelligent young woman. Even if I didn´t know you personally, I´d know that simply from your reputation with the teachers. You´re smart, Siona--but so am I. And I´m a lot more stubborn. I´ll sit here until you tell me the truth, be it five minutes or five days.”

“Master Depa . . .” Siona sighed wearily, running a hand through her hair. “I am not trying to be deceptive. My problems are not my Master´s concerns--by his own choice. I do not wish to shove my insecurities onto him--dealing with a problem such as I have is above and beyond the call of duty for a Master.”

“No--taking care of a Padawan is well within the bounds of duty for a Master,” Depa replied. “But that´s not what we´re discussing, Siona, is it?”

“Actually we are,” Siona said softly. “There is nothing more between us, nor will there ever be.”

“By your choice?” Depa probed. “You are denying Qui-Gon the chance of your love?”

“I don´t really think that´s quite the way it went,” Siona said sharply. “I don´t recall denying anyone anything.”

“You aren´t fooling yourself, Siona. If you were, you wouldn´t be so unhappy.”

“I´m not unhappy,” Siona said. “I can´t have everything I want in life. I realize that, and crying and wallowing in self-pity are hardly going to get it for me. I´d rather take it well and at least be able to respect myself. Please stop pressing.”

“Siona, Qui-Gon didn´t deny you.” When Siona tried to turn her face away Depa´s hand shot out to catch her chin, forcing her to meet her gaze. “There is a simple way to sort this out, Siona. Qui-Gon has agreed to try--but it won´t work unless you try too.”

“I didn´t think there was anything to sort out,” Siona said, her voice steady. “My Master was quite clear. We discussed the situation like two adults, and I intend to behave like a responsible adult.”

“And running over here to lose yourself in Shawn´s bed was responsible, Siona? That was the mature, adult decision to make?”

“I hardly think that my choice in bed-partners has anything to do with it, Master Bilaba. My Master told me that he preferred we keep our relationship platonic, and I respected that decision. I´m sorry if I was expected to spend a proper amount of time grieving the fact that he doesn´t want me.”

“Siona, you´re being disrespectful and foolish.” Depa finally released Siona´s chin, shaking her head. “Qui-Gon and I both raised you to think of others. Has it even crossed your mind once that your Master is in considerable emotional agony?”

It was perhaps the only thing that would goad a response out of Siona. Her own pain she could hide, could ignore. Not her Master´s. Not her love´s. Depa saw the resignation in her face, saw the fight flow out of Siona´s body as her shoulders slumped.

“I´ve thought of nothing else,” Siona mumbled softly. “I have regretted the fact that I told him of my feelings. I regret that I forced the issue. I wasn´t suffering--but by speaking I have ruined things forever. I know that I´m a fool, Master Depa--the least I can do for him now is to stay away so that I don´t make him uncomfortable.”

“Siona, I care for you like a daughter.” Depa caught Siona´s eyes again, letting her caring and love show, reaching out through their faint bond to prove that she was sincere. “I would not lie to you. Qui-Gon loves you, Siona. Cares about you. Wants you. Maybe even needs you--but he´s afraid. He needs your reassurance as much as you need his.”

Siona sat silently for a moment, eyes focused on something beyond Depa. “I--I don´t know if I can talk about it again. I brought it up before--and lost him. I don´t want to lose what little I have left of him.”

“That´s why you won´t be talking,” Depa said. Siona´s gaze shifted to focus on Depa again, and the older woman smiled sadly. “Siona, have you reached out to Qui-Gon along your bond once since this happened?”

“Of course not--” Siona´s eyes widened as Depa nodded. “Master Depa--I can´t, can´t let him--not that close.”

“The solution to your problem is simple, if you have the courage to try. Qui-Gon has already agreed to.” Depa raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

“What do I have to do?” Siona´s voice was low, her entire body tense.

“Since you formed your bond, so many years ago, the two of you have had shields blocking a great deal of your minds and hearts from each other. They were necessary--you were a young girl turning into a woman, and Qui-Gon wasn´t quite prepared to share the transition with you.” Smiling, Depa reached out a hand to brush Siona´s cheek. “You and Qui-Gon need to drop those shields, if only for a while. Look into each other´s hearts--you´ll see what´s so clear to us.”

Siona sighed. “I see no need to force my emotions on my Master. As I said before, I am in control of the emotions.”

“Siona--if you can´t do this for your own good, by the love you bear for that man do it for his. He needs it. Will you deny him this?”

She wanted to. There was nothing more in the world Siona wanted to do than open her mouth and say that she was content the way she was.

But Qui-Gon needed her--and she couldn´t turn away from that, not even if it was going to hurt her. Not even if it was going to kill her.

“I´ll do it,” Siona said, hoping her fear wasn´t as obvious to Depa as it was to her.

~~~~~~~~

It was so much more complicated than Depa had thought. In her mind, she had envisioned shields falling before the force of combined love--instantaneous success. She should have known better.

For a few moments Siona and Qui-Gon simply stared at each other, Siona´s mouth drawing into a thin line and Qui-Gon´s eyes narrowing. The tension between the two of them was so palpable that Depa winced, casting a worried glance in Mace´s direction.

“I can´t do it,” Siona said finally, her face pained. “They´ve been up too long--”

“--and we´ve so much to lose now,” Qui-Gon finished, his shoulders slumping. “I want to, Siona. I really do. But I don´t know if I can.”

“I will do what I can to save you pain, Master. But this may be something I can not give.” Taking a step backwards, Siona cast a look towards the trio standing at the door. “What now?”

Depa moved silently from the door to stand behind Qui-Gon, motioning to Shawn, who took up a similar stance behind Siona. “We will try to ease the way for you. We can help, but it is up to you two. The first step must be taken in trust.”

Without a word Qui-Gon sank into a meditation position, Siona only a second behind them. They knelt face to face, knees almost touching, hands resting on knees. Shawn slipped carefully to his knees, resting his hands lightly on Siona´s shoulders. Depa remained standing, fingers brushing gently against Qui-Gon´s temples.

“Reach for each other along your training bond,” she instructed softly.

Dropping effortlessly into her own meditation, Depa delicately reached until the found the bright strand of the Force that was the bond between Qui-Gon and Siona. The strength of that bond, even now, astonished her. Reaching out, she ran a psychic finger delicately along the cord, feeling the depth of the bond, the multi-colored threads that wound it together...caring, light, restrained passion, and unrequited love all twisted together into a line of amazing strength.

They could do this, she thought - if they only believed they could.

And they did not. It showed clearly in the slump of Siona´s shoulders as they started to shake slightly against the strain. Her face was clenched, her eyes squeezed tightly shut in concentration. Closing her eyes again, Depa dove deeper.

The shielding was visible now, as was the newer, rawer power of Shawn's mind wrapping around it. Deep gray and opaque, the shields presented by both minds in question were thick and powerful, developed over years and now reinforced with pain and despair. Pulling the outer edges of Qui-Gon's mind with her, Depa gently knocked against the shielding.

Nothing.

::Help me, love. For you--for her,:: Depa spoke into Qui-Gon´s mind, watching as he forced back his own shielding. She felt his mind wrap around hers, vibrant and strong--but uncertain. Afraid.

It would be up to her.

Gathering strength, Depa *pushed* this time, willing Qui-Gon to help her, feeling the strain from Siona as the girl tried, unsuccessfully, to force it down.

Nothing.

Depa could hear Siona´s increased breathing, hear it as her body forced her slowly back out of her trance, retreating so that the shields would remain intact. Siona was fighting herself--and neither Qui-Gon nor Depa had the strength to stop her.

Feeling the growing desperation in Qui-Gon´s mind, Depa gathered herself, gathered Qui-Gon, and wrapped them both around Siona´s shields. Depa could feel the steely strength flowing into them, holding them up even as Siona fought to lower them. As one, Qui-Gon and Depa forced all of their love against the shields, coaxing and pleading and demanding.

Still nothing. Depa could feel the hopelessness emanating from Qui-Gon as he drew his mind back, ready to quit. Ready to admit defeat. ::No . . . it´s not supposed to happen like this,:: Depa thought helplessly, opening her eyes to stare at Siona, her face drawn into a mask of agony. Feeling tears pricking at her eyes, Depa closed them. It wasn´t supposed to be like this.

"Ah, SITH!" Not Qui-Gon's voice, or Siona's. Shawn's.

Then--from nowhere--and from everywhere . . . it came. A surge of raw power, fueled by frustration and love. It rushed toward the shielding like a tidal wave, and the shields fell before it like paper toys before a hurricane. There was something awe-inspiring in the storm, and Depa could only watch in wonder as all barrier collapsed beneath the strength of the love, the unbridled power of a forceful mind.

It took Depa a few moments to gather herself up enough to open her eyes--and was shocked to see Siona cradled in Shawn´s arms, weeping like a child. Shawn´s brown eyes were tear filled as he stroked Siona´s hair gently, whispering soothing words to her.
 
Depa´s eyes rose to meet Mace´s over the Padawan´s heads. Mace´s eyes were wide, his mouth hanging slightly open.

::So strong . . .:: he sent to Depa, his gaze falling on his Padawan´s head. ::By the Force . . . I never knew he was so strong.::

Depa transferred her gaze to Qui-Gon, staring at her old friend carefully. He was shaking--almost trembling--but his mind was wide open--and his thoughts were centered on Siona. There was no more doubt--there was only need. Desire. Love.

“Siona.”

It was all Qui-Gon said, but it was enough. Siona uncurled from Shawn´s lap and moved slowly until she was kneeling across from Qui-Gon again. Qui-Gon held out a shaking hand, exhaling slowly when Siona grasped it in her own. The Force flared suddenly around the pair, strong enough to make Depa flinch.

::Time for us to leave,:: Depa thought quickly to Mace, catching Shawn´s eyes and motioning towards the door with her head. As one the pair stood, leaving Qui-Gon and Siona kneeling in the middle of the floor, eyes and hands locked.

Depa paused at the door briefly, looking back in at her best friend and his Padawan. They hadn´t moved, but it was clear from the concentration on their faces that they were together now--mind and spirit. The love echoing back and forth between the two was so overpowering that it filled the entire room, spilling out to Depa--and beyond her Mace and Shawn.

As the door whisked closed behind her, Depa smiled.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Siona didn´t know who moved first. One of them must have--because they were in each other´s arms. Qui-Gon was laughing or crying--it didn´t really seem to matter much as his arms pulled her more tightly against him. She could feel the wetness against her forehead as he pressed his face into her hair--his tears mingling with her own.

“I´m sorry,” he murmured softly into her hair, one hand creeping up to cradle the back of her head. “I should have done this earlier. When it wouldn´t hurt you as much.”

“I´m more stubborn than even you, my Master,” Siona replied, lifting her face so that she could meet his eyes. “Shawn may be the only person alive more stubborn than me.”

“Remind me to thank him later,” Qui-Gon whispered, brushing a kiss against Siona´s forehead. “Remind me to thank him many times.”

“Master, can we--” Siona couldn´t finish the question. Not with his eyes on her. Not with his hand caressing the back of her head.

And she didn´t need to. Minds still intertwined, she knew the answer before he said it.

“Yes,” Qui-Gon whispered, gathering himself slowly to rise. Setting Siona down on trembling legs he reached out a hand to intertwine with hers, coaxing her gently towards his bedroom.

He didn´t really need to move slowly. Before he could blink she was past him, tugging insistently on his hand as she headed unerringly in the direction she had been pushing him for weeks.
Qui-Gon paused when they reached the bed, settling down and pulling Siona so that she stood between his legs, his hands on her hips.

“Slowly, my dear,” he said softly. “We are going to take this very, very slowly.”

A shuddering sigh ran through Siona as she reached a hand up to brush down the side of Qui-Gon´s face. “I don´t want to,” she replied. “I want to feel you now.”

“No.” A large hand caught at Siona´s, coaxing it down away from his face. “Slowly, Siona. You--you are not whole. I will not rush your healing.”

Siona could feel it--a gentle prod at the darkness within her as Qui-Gon took advantage of her wide open mind. She could feel as his mind wrapped around hers, strong and vibrant--throbbing with the living Force. It was warm and gentle, a sharp contrast to the jagged edges of ice that hid within her soul.

“Slowly,” he whispered again, pulling her slowly back so that she reclined on the bed, stretched out next to him. One hand drifted up to brush the hair back from her eyes as he leaned over, his breath hot on her cheeks. “We have all the time in the world.”

“If you don´t kiss me right now,” Siona replied, tangling a hand in Qui-Gon´s hair, “I´m ending this relationship.”

First kisses can be many things, but never had Siona imagined one so heartbreakingly touching as this one. Tentative lips brushed almost shyly against hers, parting to capture her lower lip gently and tug on it. A wave of warmth washed over her has his head slanted sideways, giving him better access to her mouth.

Despite her enthusiasm, fear shot through her for a split second before she could entirely suppress it--the weight of his body stretched out on top of her making her feel trapped. Before the emotion could overtake her Qui-Gon had rolled over slightly, stretching out on his side and pulling her to face him.

“It´s okay,” he whispered against Siona´s lips, leaning in to brush another soft kiss against her mouth. “Just keep your mind open, and we´ll work through this.”

And they did. With her mind laid bare to Qui-Gon, he anticipated all of her fears before she felt them, moving to head them off by meeting fear with love. For a long time they remained face to face, exchanging gentle kisses and soft, tentative touches.

It was Siona who pushed further, running one hand down to slide between Qui-Gon´s tunics, brushing warm flesh almost reverently. His swift inhalation of breath made her smile as she continued to push fabric aside, baring his chest inch by inch.

“So much skin,” she murmured softly, brushing light fingers down Qui-Gon´s collarbone. Lifting her eyes to meet Qui-Gon´s, she slowly reached down to the clasp on his belt, nimble fingers undoing the fastening quickly. Without releasing his gaze she slowly pulled the belt away, tossing it off of the bed.

“I want to see you,” Siona whispered. “Please, let me see you.”

Large hands tangled with Siona´s, drifting around to the tie that held his sash together. Leaning forward to brush a kiss against Siona´s forehead, Qui-Gon slowly began unwrapping the sash, sitting up slightly until it, too, joined the belt on the floor.

Settling back against the bed, Qui-Gon held out a hand to Siona, pulling her slowly to him. She went willingly, hands falling on his chest and shoving anxiously at the tunics until the golden expanse of his torso lay bare.

Violet eyes met blue with a jolt of heat. “I love you, Qui-Gon Jinn,” Siona said softly, speaking the words against his chest as she leaned down to place a kiss above his heart.

Large hands came up to cradle her head as she slid her mouth downwards slightly, brushing softly against a hard nipple. Qui-Gon´s gasp was louder this time, making Siona smile slightly against his skin even as the thick fingers twined in her short hair, pulling the binder from her ponytail lose.

“I love you too, Siona Ja-Larkin,” Qui-Gon replied, tugging softly until he had coaxed Siona back up into kissing distance. Her lips parted under his this time, tongue snaking out to meet his in a skillful, breathtaking kiss.

The skill reminded Qui-Gon that no matter how tender he had to be tonight, this was no trembling virgin lying with him. As best he could figure, it had been a long time since she had been a virgin--five years or more--and somehow Qui-Gon doubted that Siona had /ever/ been trembling.

Except she was now--even if it wasn´t fear that caused her to shake. Sliding a comforting hand down her back, Qui-Gon eased her over until she lay on her back again, half covering her with his body.

Siona´s hands came up to catch Qui-Gon´s, twining short strong fingers with his long graceful ones. “You´re so large,” she whispered, drawing one of his hands up to her mouth to brush a gentle kiss across the back of his hand. “I wonder, sometimes, how you can be so gentle with so much strength in you.”

“No more strength than you,” Qui-Gon replied, tugging their hands away from her mouth so that he could grace her fingertips with a soft kiss. Siona sighed, letting her eyes drift shut as Qui-Gon let his other hand slide up her waist to softly cup one breast through her shirt. Without losing a beat he leaned up to kiss her gently through the fabric, feeling her shiver as his breath pierced the light sleep shirt she was wearing.

“There´s such a thing as too slow,” Siona breathed, reaching down to tug at her shirt--only to be stopped by a large, warm hand. Qui-Gon pressed Siona´s arm back to her side gently, reaching up with his own hand to coax her shirt up her body.

“Slowly,” Qui-Gon whispered.

“Now,” Siona responded, leaning up and pressing her lips insistently against his.

Warm lips seized hers almost fiercely as nimble fingers made short work of the row of buttons down the front of her shirt. Siona shivered as long fingers carefully slid the fabric from her shoulders, baring her skin to the cool air.

“That´s more like it,” Siona murmured against his lips, sliding her face up to kiss his cheekbone softly. “I´m not going to break.”

Qui-Gon pulled back to meet Siona´s eyes, running a finger along her eyebrow. “No,” he said softly. “You´re not.”

Warm fingers felt cool against suddenly heated skin as Qui-Gon cupped bare flesh, running a callused thumb over the peak that hardened immediately at his touch. Siona sighed, then, a whisper of a sound that carried the promise of desire sated and love requited. The way she arched into his hands, the slow drift of her eyelashes as her eyes closed were more erotic to him than the most blatant of posturing, and he was suddenly terrified he would not be able to be as gentle as he wanted. As she needed.

//Don't worry,// came her husky mental voice, and with a groan of need he pulled her to him, pressing her breasts to his chest, taking a moment to enjoy the feel of her skin against his.

A moment was all she allowed him, and she was moving in his arms, pressing light, quick kisses to neck and chest, nipping the line of his collarbone, tongue
darting out to taste the sweat that was beginning to bead on his skin. His groan rumbled through her, and she laughed.

"Siona," he warned breathlessly, hands sliding down her back to still the unconscious arching of her hips into his...it was torture, and his control was tenuous as it was.

"No, Qui-Gon. Let me. Please." He looked into her violet eyes, everything that she was, everything that she felt radiating out of them. He didn't even need
their bond to see what she needed. She needed to be in control. He smiled, one long-fingered hand curving around her cheek, and relaxed underneath her.

"Your wish is my command."

"Then," and her eyes sparkled with merriment. "I command you to get out of those trousers. Now."

It was only the work of a moment, and he was as bare as she, large body quiescent under hers as she explored and teased, relaxing farther and farther into his love the longer he simply lay and let her do as she wished. He was trembling from the force of his arousal, but he would not do what he wanted, would not roll her beneath him and bury his face between her breasts. This was for her. . . and he would let the moment shatter him as it would.

“Why don´t you?” The soft words were spoken against his ear as Siona nuzzled her face into his neck, sucking his earlobe between her lips.

“Why don´t I--” Words broke off in a harsh gasp as Siona´s lips found the sensitive skin at the hollow of his throat and started suckling. Closing his eyes, it was all Qui-Gon could to to force out the words. “--what? Why don´t I what?”

Siona´s face moved up to hover above Qui-Gon´s, eyes bright as she placed tender kisses on his cheekbone. “Part of being in control is having the power to give control to someone else, knowing you can take it back.” Lips drifted down to brush against his own, a teasing barely there pressure. “Why don´t you roll me over and--” A slight flush rose in her cheeks, echoed in Qui-Gon´s as he realized she had read his thoughts so easily. Seeing his embarrassment, Siona smiled slightly, regaining her composure. Leaning down, she spoke her next words against his slightly parted lips. “I said it before, Qui-Gon--I´m not going to break.”

“I wanted you to have control,” Qui-Gon responded, lifting a hand to trail fingers down Siona´s cheek.

“And I´m giving it to you.” Pulling back, Siona smiled, staring down with smoldering eyes. “Believe me, Qui-Gon. When I want it, I´ll take it back.” Smiling again, Siona slid down to continue lavishing Qui-Gon´s chest with teasing kisses, hips rocking steadily against Qui-Gon´s.

With a hoarse growl Qui-Gon locked his hands around Siona´s waist and shifted her to the side, careful to be gentle as he lowered her to the bed and covered her body with his own.

::Tell me if you need me to stop,:: Qui-Gon sent softly, wrapping his mind around Siona´s and opening himself fully to her feelings. All he could feel from her was overpowering contentment, love, desire--and trust. So much trust it awed Qui-Gon slightly--made him wonder if he could live up to it.

“You already have,” Siona whispered, reminding Qui-Gon again that his thoughts and hers were so intertwined that they might as well share one mind right now.

“No, Qui-Gon--still two minds, one of which is wasting time with deep thoughts at a /very/ inconvenient time.”

Smiling slightly Qui-Gon settled more firmly on top of Siona, moving his body slowly against hers and delighting in the sound of her gentle moans of contentment as her body moved with his, matching his rhythm perfectly.

Bracing his weight on his arms, Qui-Gon started to slowly move down Siona´s body, taking his time to map out territory so long desired. Lips and tongue took careful note of sensitive spots, places that made Siona gasp, places that made her moan. Once or twice he paused to linger over a particuarly sensitive spot, finding with some delight that careful kisses to the line of Siona´s neck below her jaw had the ability of wiping all coherent thought from the young woman´s mind.

The feeling of well muscled limbs tangling around him made Qui-Gon groan, fighting once again with his body for control. Burying his need deep inside him, Qui-Gon concentrated on the woman beneath him, every thought focused on her pleasure. He would let her lead in this if it was the last thing he did.

Qui-Gon slid one hand up Siona´s side to cup her breast, leaning his cheek against her chest and simply staring at it for a few moments, thumb absently skirting around the taunt nipple.

Siona moaned as a callused thumb stroked once gently across her aching nipple, making her body arch up into the touch. Instead of repeating the gesture, Qui-Gon leaned forward to engulf the sensitive peak in warm suction, tongue snaking out to caress as Siona´s moan turned into a needy whimper.

The exploration continued, mouth giving scrupulous attention to her other breast before sliding down to explore stomach and sides. Siona´s breathing was harsh now, her body twisting beneath his in an unconscious display of eroticism.

Qui-Gon´s mouth had just dipped below one hip when the push of Siona´s body against his became more insistent. Before he had a chance to question Siona had squirmed out from under him, pushing him firmly onto his back.

“I said I´d take control when I wanted it,” she whispered against his mouth, tongue snaking out to lick at Qui-Gon´s lower lip, demanding he return her kiss. Mind reeling from the feeling of Siona straddling him, body pushing against his in a steady rhythm, Qui-Gon parted his lips and allowed Siona access to his mouth.

A greedy tongue slipped past his teeth, sweeping past his own to run over the roof of his mouth, the inside of his lower lip, before finally tangling with his in a dance that made him moan his pleasure into Siona's mouth. Small, strong, long-fingered hands seemed to be everywhere at once...threaded through his hair, sweeping down his chest, curling around his sides....and he could do little more than clutch the slender waist above him and arch helplessly against her.

And that made it worse. Hot, silky skin under his hands, an even hotter dampness pressed against him each time he arched upwards...she could drive a Jedi to the Dark Side and make him grateful for the journey.

//Not the Dark Side, Qui. This is Light...only Light,// she murmured in his mind, and he snapped. With a muffled oath, he rolled her to her back, settling his hips against hers. He wanted nothing more than to plunge into that heated wetness and lose himself, but he held himself, shivering, above her, eyes locked to hers.

"I need you, Siona," he murmured brokenly, lips brushing hers, every muscle taut with the effort to hold back.

She said nothing, but violet eyes smiled into his, and long, slender legs wrapped themselves slowly around him. Her hips nudged upwards, once, in welcome, and with a groan that seemed torn from his soul, Qui-Gon sank into the welcoming warmth of her body.

So afraid...he'd be so afraid that this moment would bring all the memories rocketing back, that she'd twist and struggle beneath him, but there was none of it. Only the rock of her hips against him as she took him deep enough to touch her soul, the touch of her hands on his back, urging him on, and the love that poured across their bond in waves that seemed to have no end. He let his own echo back to her...his love, his pride, his devotion, his commitment to her not only as Padawan but as lover and woman, and heard her moan in response, lips seeking his as she wrapped her limbs even more tightly about him.

His arousal spiraled upwards, and he wasn't sure how much more control his possessed. Her slick tightness dragged along him with each stroke, and he reached into the bond once more to see through her eyes, feel though her body...

and felt the last of his control evaporate. She was lost in this, in him, the hot thickness that hit every sweet spot on every stroke, the hard body beneath her hands, the feeling of being loved, and cherished, and desired. The gentle abrasion of his chest hair across her nipples, the rasp of his beard on her neck, all worked to send her beyond herself, to a place where there was only *them*, not Siona or Qui-Gon but a glorious melding of the two.

"Gods...Siona....love, please....come for me. Come with me." His voice was rough, pleading, and in answer Siona's body bowed off the bed, poised on the crest of the wave...

With one final thrust he snapped it over both of them, and the world exploded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Siona stretched languidly, enjoying the rare chance to take her time waking up. Rolling over slowly she burrowed deeper into her blankets, unable to completely keep the smile off of her face when her arms encountered the pillow next to her that hadn´t been there the night before.

She was about to drift back into dreams when a careful tug at her mind brought her fully awake, her senses extending slowly out to the dining room.

::Are you awake yet?:: a somewhat grumpy voice demanded, and Siona rolled her eyes as she threw the blankets back, tugging on her sleep pants before heading to the door.

Shawn was sprawled on the couch in the common room, a data pad tossed idly aside. “About time,” he huffed, but despite his facade something had him so happy that the room was alight with it.

“What are you doing here?” Siona asked with a soft smile, wandering into the kitchen to get a drink before settling in the chair across from the couch. “Shouldn´t you be doing something?”

“I´ve been waiting for you to get up,” Shawn replied, giving Siona a leering grin. “Qui-Gon said I could wake you up, but considering how rumpled he looked, I decided you probably needed all the sleep you could get.”

Siona was too happy to even blush, simply smiling smugly as she settled more comfortably into the chair and cocked her head to one side. “Very considerate of you, Shawn. To what do I owe this visit?”

“Depa and Mace said Qui-Gon hasn´t shown his face for the past week, and since I hadn´t seen you I figured it was about time someone forced you to come up for air.” Grinning, Shawn shifted in his seat, happiness bubbling through again. “And I have some good news.”

“Well since I´ve come up for air,” Siona drawled, setting her cup aside and leaning forward. “Do tell.”

“Mace told me this morning that the Council has decided I´m ready to take the Trials,” Shawn said, his grin breaking loose as he positively bounced on the couch.

With a squeal Siona was on the couch with him, hugging him within an inch of his life. “Shawn! That´s fantastic!”

Shawn hugged her back, nestling his head into her shoulder. “Everything is going so right all of the sudden. You´re better, and you and Qui-Gon stopped dancing around each other . . .” Sparkling green eyes met Siona´s suddenly, and Shawn grinned. “Or at least now you´re dancing a little closer together.”

“And you´re going to be a Knight, Shawn,” Siona said softly, tracing her best friend´s cheek with one finger. “Shawn--you´ve done so much for me in the past few weeks . . . is there anything I can do for you?”

“Continue to ensure that Qui-Gon has that goofy grin on his face whenever I see him,” Shawn replied with a smile. “He´s much better company like that.”

“Shawn . . .” Siona warned, batting him across the back of the head with one hand. “I´m serious here.”

“So am I,” Shawn replied with a gentle smile. “Siona--your happiness means so much to me. Seeing you so happy makes me happy.” Rising to his feet Shawn settled Siona on the floor, turning her around and pushing her towards the fresher. “Go get changed and ready. We are going out to celebrate.”

Smiling, Siona scribbled a note out to Qui-Gon and left it on the kitchen counter before pulling her boots and cloak on. Things did seem right with the world all of the sudden . . .

 . . . and damn if it wasn´t time to have a little fun.