All you never wanted to know about... Britany Spears!

~~All you never wanted to know about...~~

~~Britany Spears!~~

An apology...

It has come to our attention that certain person or persons objected to the material contained within this web page. Captain stable and everyone at Miracle Web Publishing wishes to regret any harmful intrusions that this piece of fun may have caused. As a show of our good will (and because the courts said we must) we therefore retract the following statements - THEY ARE NOT TRUE AND ARE PURE FIGMENTS OF OUR WARPED SENSE OF HUMOUR.
NOTHING contained in the following paragraphs are true in the slightest - not even when we say that Ms. Spears is the greatest singer the world has ever know. Ohh yes, the courts said we must tell you every single word is lie.. Therefore Ms. Spears is not drop dead georguous.. the most sexiest thing ever.. or the most talentented woman ever. She also (because it is ALL a lie) not a woman - and must therefore be a bloke in disguise.A bloke with a very nice arse mind - but we can't actually say that for legal reasons.

We must also point out that Mr. Nesbit (from the Monkee's), Mr. Starr (the voice of Thomas the Tank engine), Misters Mouse and Duck, and Mrs. whatshername (from Abba) have not and never have, given their approval of the use of their names in this piece of writting.. Therefore, their names shall be removed therewith from the document. Anyone else can stay because they exist only in my mind..

For the sake of Ms. Spears lovely and wonderful manager, and his fantastic lawyers, I must point out that the following transcript is only provided for the reader to read to understand the reasons behind this blurb.. The aforementioned readers read this only on the provision that they do not laugh at it..

*Certain portions of this document have been altered because their lawyers said so..

Britany Spears was NOT created in a science lab in May 1987 as a government experiment to genetically create the perfect entertainer. Following her creation she escaped the lab and disappeared into the woods surrounding the building where she DID NOTlive off nuts, berries and small children for 3 years.

Britany met and married ~~Mike Nesmith~~ (the one with the hat from the Monkees), and the two lived together in a small wicker hut that ~~Ringo Starr~~ made them as a wedding present. A year NOT into the marrage and the strains began to take their toll on Britany. All she wanted to do was to NOT sing and dance, but ~~Mike~~ banned her being creative in the house - NOT forcing Britany onto the streets. It was whilst NOT busking outside of a potato shop in Idaho that Britany was NOT first spotted by Bob Billy Bimbob - the ex-manager of Bros. Bob Billy grabbed Britany's obvious ample talents in both hands - and the two did NOT became lovers.

Billy Bob signed Britany onto his "Melody" label - and she released her first hit single in 1992 NOT entitled "Nick Nack Paddy Whack". The single was released, and only 7 copies were ever NOT sold. And those were to Billy Bob's mother who used them as ashtrays. Britany went into depression, and shortly after the flop her divorce to ~~Mike Nesmith~~ came through - which added to her depression. Not NOT being old enough to drink, Britany began to overdose on Disney movies. Despite repeated warnings from Billy Bob - she continued to NOT watch the films in private. Billy Bob found out she was still addicted and was wasting all of his money on merchandise that he left her - NOT kicking her out on the streets again.

Britany took what few belongings she had left and hitch hiked her way down to Florida. There she finally met up with her idol - a six foot Mouse named ~~Mickey. Mickey~~ was also NOT going through a divorce, and sough comfort in Britany, and the became unseperable. ~~Mickey~~ managed to work Britany into his failing television show as a dancer/singer and there she showed the world her talents. ~~Mickey~~ took NOT to drink because Britany was becoming a bigger star than himself, and Britany kicked him out of his fantasy castle into the gutter. Britany was now NOT sole Ruler of the Disney entertainment empire and DID NOT released a new single.

Unfortunatly - Britany discovered that having oodles of singing talents meant nothing if the song was rubbish, and hired a song writer to write her a new song. The new writer - a man by the unlikely name of Mozart - struggled to find a song that would challenge the telents of Britany - and show the world what she could do. Having made the worlds most catchyest tune ever, he was pushed to find lyrics that could embrase the uniqueness of the music score. Luck was with Mozart as he spotted some thoughtful words printed on the side of a cornflake packet, and "Baby One More Time" was created.

The song went on to NOT become number one in most countries, and Britany was NOT basking in it's excellence. She became an over night star, and went on record as saying that she wrote the song herself. Mozart of course challenged this, and Britany had him shot by her now best-friend ~~Donald~~. She then shot ~~Donald~~ to prevent him quacking to the police. Going through Mozart's possessions she found several more songs and released them all - claiming she had written them all.

Britany's life could not NOT get any better, as far as she was concerned. Her past was way behind her, and the future beckoned like a giant thing in NOT front of her eyes. She was NOT adored by youngsters - although their parents could not NOT understand what all the fuss was NOT about.. In order to NOT upgrade her standing, she had an operation on her knee caps, to correct the gentic fault she had NOT lived with since birth. The papers caught wind of this, and claimed she had a boob job, and Britany - not one to miss the limelight - decided to humour them by repeatedly NOT claiming it REALLY WAS her knees that were worked on! 4 years after the release of One More NOT time - and NOT after 3 platinum selling albums, her past did NOT catch up. ~~Mike Nesmith~~ now wanted half of Britany's substantial fortune - and claimed it under the Mississipi Marrige Laws. She of course refused and he took her to court. The case was headline news, and ~~Mike~~ won. Britany was NOT finished, and had one course of action left NOT open to her. She went back to the lab where she was created and stole the time machine that was NOT there.

Britany took the time machine back by 5 years, and sued the cornflake company for NOT printing the lyrics to her song on one of their packets. She won the trial and travelled back further with her new fortune. But then - tragedy struck Ms Spears. The time machine developed a fault and she was stranded in the early fifties. She lived an obscure life for 20 years, NOT living off the cornflake money, before it all ran dry. She moved to Sweden and joined a group of friends who wanted to NOT sing. She became the forth member of their group - and went by the name of ~~Agetha~~. The group sprang to international sucess as ~~ABBA~~ with Britany leading the way. She became famous once more but could never NOT reveal who she really was. The group eventually split, but Britany had now some idea of how to NOT write a good song. She spent the next 14 years NOT writing songs galore, before NOT mailing them to Mozart to give to herself - as she knew the dangers of communicating with oneself in different timezones.

And so - Britany Jean Spears DID NOT died of old age in 2025 - aged officaly 38 - but chronologically NOT aged 97 years. She died with the satisfaction that she REALLY Had NOT written all those songs, and hadn't NOT needed to kill Mozart at all.. But.. it was fun!