Title: A Maw that swallows all Author: Liz Skywalker E-Mail: lizskywalker@hotmail.com Genre: Humor Summery: Han has to go get rid of the Yahoo Maw Disclaimer: I don't own it. I don't own Yahoo or any of it's acquisitions, although I have a geocities site and have my own webring. A/N: I started this when I found out about Yahoo getting Geocities and continued it when I found out that Yahoo was getting Webring.com/org also. That pushed me over the limit. Han looked at his latest "mission" from his smuggler buddies. To fly over the maw and retrieve something from in it. Sounded simple, except that he had never heard of the Yahoo maw before. It was somewhere in the Internet system. The Internet system was in the Web sector. Everyone knew that. But no one knew _where_ the Web sector was, let alone where the Internet system was. The Yahoo maw had been crossed before, those who had had made a legend for themselves. He was here on the planet Geo tracking one of the men who had made it. He walked into the Cities Cantina, scanning for Builder. That was his name. Paige Builder. He shook his head. These guys had the oddest names. Another who had made it was Eiegr Ouops, but he had heard that Ouops had succumbed to the disease that seemed to plague everyone who made the Yahoo run. He just hoped that the protection he was offered was as good as the seller had said. Han knew that in the long run, he wouldn't bet a half-credit on it actually working. Supposedly, it was made by a Mr. Bil Gaats, a multi-trillionare who lived on a private world called Micrasaft. Nothing of his _ever_ worked an inch past it's warranty end date. "Mr. Builder?" Han slid into the seat across from him, hand resting on the butt of his blaster. "Solo." The man acknowledged him. "You've come for info on Yahoo? "Yeah." Han answered as he studied the older man. "I'm willing to pay a lot for it." "Hell, I'll give it away!" The man exclaimed. "People don't understand. The Yahoo is all powerful. After it's acquisition of Geocities..." "Look," Han interrupted him. "I just need to know how to navigate the maw." He knew that everyone who went away from the planet Yahoo left thinking it was the best place ever. Maybe it was, but he wouldn't bet on it. Any place with a maw made him nervous. He was promised some time on Kessel if he didn't retrieve E. Groups from the Yahoo maw. But on the flip side, if he could get E. Groups out of there, all of his smuggling charges would be forgotten and deleted from all archives. The gain was worth more than the loss, so he had taken the job. Looking back, he really hadn't had much of a choice. "The maw is in the middle of the planet. All around the maw is a paradise unlike which you've ever heard of, let alone seen!" He sighed in contentment. "I would give my life in a second to see them again." "Yeah, yeah. And where's the planet?" "It's the first planet of the Internet system." "Yeah, and where's the system?" Han asked sarcastically. "It's in the Web sector." He grinned suddenly. "Yes, I know what your next question will be. The sector is in the outer rim, quite near Tatooine, in fact." "There's nothin' near Tatooine." "An unbeliever!" The old man sat up straight. "Then, I will have to show you myself." The old man's mind was made up. Han reluctantly agreed to take Builder with him to Yahoo. He just hoped Builder wouldn't succumb to Ouops' disease before Han knew where the Yahoo maw was. "Here we are, Tatooine." Han pulled back the hyperspace lever and the stars returned to normal out side the view port. He heard Chewie grumble something about crazy old men before the subject of his grumbling entered the cockpit. "Tatooine. It's been years since I've been here." The old man smiled. "Go to coordinates 34x234x984x23 and there you will find the planet you seek." "Kay." Han said reluctantly as he programs the co-ords into the navi-comp. As they approached the coordinates, space seemed to change around them and suddenly they were in a different place with different stars around them. "KRETH!" Han swore as he stared at the different constellations. "You believe now?" The old man whispered. Han nodded. "Good, head to the center of the first planet." As Han approached, he saw a rich green planet filled with wildlife and greenery. But at the center of the planet was a black hole cluster. The Yahoo maw. Han whistled. "Kresh, man, you don't underestimate at all. Krethy Kresh!" *Watch your language* Chewie warned him. Kresh was a god on Kashyyyk, Han reminded himself. Chewie didn't take well to blasphemy. 'Sorry' Han mouthed to him as Han guided the Falcon to the maw. "Wait." The old man's voice was suddenly very powerful. "Let me off here." "WHAT?" "Look around you, Solo. What do you see? Over there are children playing, laughing in the sun. Across from them, their parents are talking quietly, sure that nothing will happen to them. You've heard of the so called Yahoo sickness?" At Han's nod, he continued, "It's not a real sickness. It's called longing. I love this place and want to stay here for eternity. Yahoo is the best place in the galaxy and you can see why. There's nothing wrong with it, it's PERFECTION!" Han looked around. It _was_ a nice place. But he knew what reality was like. And, Jedi-hell, this defiantly was not reality. He flew low and opened the hatch. The old man understood and left. Han never saw him again. He closed the hatch and entered the maw. His first thought was that this was paradise, his second that maybe he was finally going crazy...well, it happened to everyone. On his descent down, he had received a message from one of his smuggler 'friends' that two W. Ebring's had succumbed to the Yahoo sickness. Warren and Wilson Ebring, to be exact. To message had also told him what to get out of the Maw. Han couldn't believe such a thing even existed, let alone was in the middle of a Maw the size of...well, never mind. That wasn't important, he told himself firmly. What was important was stopping this Maw from consuming more. Time passes...Han infiltrates...the writer goes on a baby-sitting job and returns to check her e-mail...Han infiltrates...time passes...the writer re- reads Shakespeare's The Winter's Tale for the umpteenth time...and Han's still infiltrating and Time is still passing...Paging the writer! Now...back to the story. Good. The powers that be looked down on the insignificant life form and asked: "did you do your homework?" the student then changed stories. So, the powers that be looked down on the insignificant life form-" "Hey! Liz!" Yes? "Get on with it. This is BAD humor." Fine. So the powers that be are looking down on Han, an insignificant life form- "I resent that." Shut up. "You." Can't. I'm writing, not talking. So...the powers that be, the insignificant life form, the Yahoo Mall- "That's Maw. Can't you keep the facts straight?" No comment. I have a sick mind. "Yes, you do. Now, let's get on with it." Fine, be that way. Okay, so Han was going on his way one day in the merry, merry month of may. He was taken by surprise by a pair of Wookiee eyes- "You really had me going there, Liz. Now shut up and skip ahead." *grumble* *grumble* stubborn characters. Some time later... "Han Solo, we've been expecting you. Why do you wish to get rid of paradise?" "Ya call _this_ paradise??!!!! More like one of the seven hells! All this sweetness and perfection..." "There's something wrong with that?" The disembodied voice asked incredulously, not without some amusement. "Liz, cut with the description." Aye, Captain Han. "Look, I had no problem with all the other victims, but Geocities and the Ebring brothers...you crossed a line. So...g'bye!" Han took out his blaster and shot the charge, thereby blowing up the maw in a Mission Impossible scenario- "Egads, Liz! This dialogue is horrible and so's the description. Ya know you're gonna get flames from this." Do I look like I care? "Should I answer that?" Well, Han got back alright and then the writer shut him up in the Falcon and he can't come out until he promises to be nice. If you want him, you can have him. Finis