By a power unbenost to me, I felt a compelling urge to actually SEE Scream 3 despite the excrement-ladened Scream flicks of late. But in a blasphematic heresy-coated psychosis-related rage, I actually forked over $6.75 and saw this shit opening night. Perhaps it was a thought of a pure optimist that "third times the charm" or a hyperglucotic reaction status post too many guummi bears hence yielding perpetual blindness from diabetic retinopathy. Be it as it may, NO form of temporary schizophrenic tendencies could ever possibly excuse me from wasting 1 hour and 56 minutes of my life on this movie. All I know is, despite how many of these teeny-bopper horror flicks come out, I REFUSE to Scream and I really don't give a shit that i know who did Brandy last summer.
While this movie wasn't quie as horrendous as the first movie in the series (that was simply unbearable), it comes pretty damn close. The movie moves as slow as frozen molases knee deep in the shit of January. The only way it is a tweak better than the original is because the killer actually came to a surprise to me. But the unfortunate thing is, when you got to that point in the film....you really didn't give a flying fuck who it was. They built it up WAAAAAAAAAAAY too much to the point that it was sheer torture. Why build it up that much? If you ask me, I wanted Scream 3 to be a celebrity death match between the ghostface from SCREAM and the fisherman guy from I Know What You Did With The Plumber.
Now, let's go with my little list "Things I wanted to see in Scream 3". How many of them came true? NONE! Courtney SuckmythrobbingCox somehow managed to squeak through the cracks of death yet again. Neve Camball did not YET retire to the Golden Girls. They did NOT disembowel Drew Barrymore again (though, actually...she did a pretty good job on that herself being that she was addicted on smack for the last 30 years). and god damnit, the psycho ghost-faced guy did NOT beat Wes Craven over the head with the Scream videotape. What did happen? Well...Silent Bob and Jay made an appearance. And they fucking KILLED Puddy! Wes Craven, is your head so far up your ass that you're getting oral thrush????????????????? Why was Puddy murdered by the ghostface??? Fuck that....why WASN'T Puddy the ghostface! If Puddy turned out to be the ghost face, I would have changed my top 50 horror movie list so that it was number 1! However, be that as it may, Puddy was actually KILLED in the movie, and from the the tips of my elf shoes to the last split end on my hair, I was riddened with exorcist-worthy rage as I saw Puddy butchered like a slab of dead flesh on a Hobart meat slicer! This is blasphemy at the highest power! So I encourage you all....when this part in the movie comes.....go up to the film projection booth, and take a dump on the film reel. Preferably eat something that will give you much loose bowels before the movie so you have a full flowing stream. The punishment fits the crime, and Wes Cravinganasswhipping will never make a vile mistake like that again.
