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| Twenty things you should always bear in mind should you find yourself in a horror film... | |
| 1 | Don't go camping with a group of teenage mates. Especially to places with names like Camp Blood |
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| 2 | Never ignore the locals. If they tell you to stick to the path, don't go taking that shortcut across yonder moors |
| 3 | If a hermit-like weirdo with an unruly beard tells you "You're all doomed", at least have the courtesy to listen |
| 4 | Don't go skinny-dipping. The sight of young people enjoying themselves while parading their flesh is guaranteed to rile the on-site psycho |
| 5 | Don't play the group jester. If you fall out of cupboards with a fake axe in your head, its a safe bet it will be replaced by a real one by the end of the movie |
| 6 | Don't sit round the campfire spooking each other with ghostly tales. The expression "asking for it" springs to mind |
| 7 | OK. You're about to go to bed. Do not go wandering across a clearing in order to wash up in some decrepit old wooden shack |
| 8 | By some miracle you've survived brushing your teeth. Do not ever, ever, ever, return to your sleeping bag in order to get down to some heavy petting. You may as well wear a "I'm-a-sinner-so-kill-me-now" sign |
| 9 | Boys, don't leave your girlfriend enjoying a post-coital cigarette while you go to fetch the beers out the fridge. You're gonna get it |
| 10 | Girls, if your boyfriend returns with a white sheet on his head and a knife in his hand, consider this for but one moment...it may not be him |
| 11 | Never say things like "Bobby, is that you? C'mon, it just ain't funny any more..." |
| 12 | Don't play the hero and go fix the generator when the electricity inexplicably fails |
| 13 | Don't say "What was that?" and wander off into the woods to take a look |
| 14 | If a horrible man with a fistful of blades throws stones at your window while hissing "Tina!" in a deranged kind of way, don't go outside to see what he wants |
| 15 | Never split up. And if your partner vanishes, don't go to investigate |
| 16 | You're terrified, slowly pushing back the toilet doors one by one. Phew there's no-one there. Never sigh with relief and begin to turn away |
| 17 | Listen to the music. If its at the "Daaaaaaaaa-dum" stage you've still got a chance. If its reached the "DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA" crescendo, your time is up |
| 18 | When you wake up to find your mates missing, don't presume they've just gone for a hike. Do presume they're either hanging upside down in cupboards or are pinned to archery boards |
| 19 | One for the town sherrif: If a bunch of wild-eyed kids come running to you with tales of aliens/vampires/psychos... believe them |
| 20 | Never be the last woman standing. Alright, so you're going to survive but it also means you're the one who has to face 20 minutes of running through brambles with a chainsaw-wielding maniac close behind you. And you'll die at the start of the sequel anyway |