MULDER
Scully, I have a bad feeling about this...
SCULLY
Oh, come on, Mulder, we'll be fine. It's only lunch, you know!
MULDER
Yes, but it's FBI lunch. That's what scares me. You know what happened
to Skinner..
SCULLY
Come on, let's go...
Scene: Mulder and Scully are walking down the street. They have decided to eat at the restaurant instead.
SCULLY
What's the name of the place again?
MULDER
The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
SCULLY
Seems familiar, but I can't seem to recall why...
Suddenly a blue box materializes 10 feet from them. It has a flashing light and the words "POLICE CALL" at the top. A scruffy-looking man emerges.
MULDER & SCULLY
Hi Doc!
DOCTOR
Hello, Agent Mulder, Agent Scully. I'm afraid you must come with
me. The Universe is in danger.
MULDER
What, again?
SCULLY
Oh, no, we're going to lunch!
DOCTOR
I'm afraid you must come now. I've received messages from
StarFleet, to say nothing of Obi-Wan and the Princess Leia. And I
have been sensing disturbances in the Force, too!
MULDER
Oh, allright, this time...
They all get into the TARDIS, and it dematerializes.....
Scene: The Enterprise-A, bridge
KIRK
Captain's log, Stardate whoknowswhat. I have received a top secret
message from StarFleet. Of course, since I trust my crew and my log,
I have told them and will now tell the log. It seems the Rebellion is
in trouble again. The Romulans have discovered a wormhole of their
own, and have used it to reach that galaxy far, far away, and in
the past to boot! We have been ordered to proceed to DeepSpace 9,
where we will rendezvous with the Enterprise-D (or is it the B? I can
never keep those letters straight...) and dive through the wormhole
to come out at the Anoat system...
SPOCK
Captain, I am picking up a signal from the shuttlebay. It reads as
the TARDIS.
KIRK
Well, the Doctor's steered right for once... Ensign Redshirt,
escort the Doctor to the brig.. I mean, the bridge.
ENSIGN
Aye, sir.
In the meantime, the main viewer shows a shot of stars moving at what appears to be a leisurely Warp 1.
KIRK
Sulu, I thought I said Warp 7, what are you doing?
SULU
Sorry, Captain, that's the screensaver.
He disables it, and the stars jerk, moving at Warp 7.
KIRK
Sometimes I'm sorry I installed Windows. And it's only 3.11! I
wonder how the D's doing?
On cue, cut to Enterprise-D. A similar situation, only now the screensaver's got the odd sun or two...
PICARD
Wesley, why are we going at Warp 19, and so close to those stars?
DR. CRUSHER
Slow down, son, you're driving too fast.
WESLEY
Aww, it's just the screensaver. We're at Warp 9.
PICARD
Ohhh...
WESLEY
It's only Win2495, but I made a few modifications...
ALL
Shut up, Wes!!
MULDER
See, Scully, I told you: the truth is out there.
SCULLY
Yes, Mulder, but that doesn't mean Samantha is...
(For those who don't know: Samantha, Mulder's sister, was kidnapped by aliens when they (Fox and Samantha) were kids)
MULDER
I didn't say that!
SCULLY
You were about to!
INTERCOM (inter-upting)
Agents Mulder and Scully report to the bridge, please...
They leave. Cut to bridge, DeepSpace 9 fills the viewer.
KIRK
Captain's log, StarDate whatever. We've reached DeepSpace9.
There's going to be a conference aboard the station, where we'll be
briefed on this mission.
UHURA
Message from DS9, Captain. They say to beam over whenever we want.
KIRK
Thank you, lieutenant. Tell the Doctor and the Agents to meet me in
the transporter room. Spock, come with me. Scotty, you have the conn.
Scene: Conference room aboard DS9
KIRK
Okay, so we dive through the wormhole and, if anyone else is on the
other side, we perform the Picard manouevre. The Doctor will travel in
the TARDIS, and go directly to the Millenium Falcon. The Enterprises will
rendezvous with the Falcon and the rest of the fleet at Yavin. Any
questions?
MULDER
What are we up against, exactly?
PICARD
Well, the Romulans have helped the Imperials to build another Death
Star, and the Borg are in on it, too, so we have to help.
MULDER
I want to believe, but that's not strictly accurate, is it?
PICARD
Oh, allright. We have to help because we're the good guys, and the
author says so.
ME
Just go with the script, will you?
DOCTOR
Actually, I can't come along... the Time Lords are getting bugged
again, and I'd better get back to Gallifrey.
KIRK
Very well. Mr. Spock, take over the briefing.
SPOCK
About time I had some lines...
KIRK
*AHEM*
SPOCK
Okay, Wesley Crusher has designed a virus, which we must upload into
the Death Star's computer. We will use a standard X-Wing for this. Cmdr.
Skywalker will fly it, but the entire Rouge Squadron will also have
copies, just in case. In the meantime, Agents Mulder and Scully will have
to take out the Death Star shields, whose generator, as usual, is located
on a nearby planet. The Rebels will provide us with the exact location.
Take over, Mr. Riker.
RIKER
The Enterprises are to provide covering fire for the Death Star
attack, as well as a horde of Redshirts for the shield generator attack.
That's all, I guess.
PICARD & KIRK
Let's go.
Everyone beams up to their respective ships. Mulder and Scully go to the Enterprise-A.
Cut to shot of space, the Enterprises are leaving orbit and heading into the wormhole.
Cut to shuttlebay on Enterprise-A. The TARDIS is dematerializing.
Scene: Other side of wormhole. The Enterprises appear, and streak off at warp speed. From behind a nearby moon, the Slave I appears. Cut to flight deck of Slave I, where Boba Fett is making a report on the comlink.
FETT
They are here.
VADER
Good. You will be paid through the usual channels.
Cut to the Star Destroyer Executor, Darth Vader's chamber. The Dark Lord of the Sith is meditating and in telepathic contact with his master, the Emperor, whose ghostly figure appears before him.
EMPEROR
You have done well. This time, young Skywalker *will* be mine.
VADER
There is another factor this time. The Galaxy class ships Enterprise-A
and D are here.
EMPEROR
They are no match for my Star Destroyers. But I am concerned about the
Death Star. Is it operational yet?
VADER
Admiral Jerjerrod will double his efforts... or answer to me.
Fade to shot of Rebel fleet at Yavin. The Enterprises are visible among the other capital ships.
Cut to the Falcon's hold.
LAFORGE
Well, General Solo, I don't really understand your drives, but we can
easily replicate the dampers aboard the Enterprise.
SOLO
Thanks, Geordi, but call me Han. I hate it when she doesn't jump to
hyperspace when we most need it...
CHEWBACCA
Graawwl!
SOLO
Right, Chewie! Geordi, Chewie says he'd be glad to teach you, if
someone would interpret.
In the background, Lando, C3PO, and Wesley are talking about the virus. R2D2 is with them. Wesley is talking animatedly, and the others are looking pretty bored and bewildered at the same time.
WESLEY
...so I got this idea to hook up the KERNEL data into this old machine
replicated on the Holodeck, and when I added this new code, I came up
with a virus! So I tried it on the Holodeck, and it works. But I had a
hard time convincing the Captain, he never listens to me.
LANDO
I wonder why?
R2D2
Beep! Foodle-twang!
C3PO
Oh, Artoo, you shouldn't say such things! Uhhh... he likes the design...
and he wants to test it himself... What?! Artoo, you musn't!
Too late, Wesley's already inserted the disk...
R2D2
Beep! Non-system disk or disk error... say anything to continue...
C3PO
Oh, dear, I hope Chewbacca doesn't attempt to repair him!
Cut to shot of fleet. Cut to briefing room aboard a Rebel cruiser. The Enterprises' Captains, Gen. Solo, Cmdr Skywalker, Gen. Calrissian, Chewbacca, the FBI agents, Admiral Ackbar, and Mon Mothma are present.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR
The Empire has built a new Death Star. Luckily it is still
under construction. We are going to launch an attack into the Death Star
and upload the virus. Since the X-Wing is the only one with a programmable
computer, all the X-Wing squadrons will carry it. Mon Mothma, please.
MON MOTHMA
The Death Star is surrounded by a force field generated from the
nearby planet of Arrakis, better known as Dune. It is very similar to
Tatooine. The local governor, a Duke Paul Atreides, has agreed to help us.
A small contingent of Redshirts, under command of the FBI, will beam down
and secure the shield generator. They will be assisted by the Duke's
Fremen commandos.
MULDER
Excuse me, but how can we trust the Duke? I trust no one!
SCULLY
Mulder...
MULDER
Scully, please...
MON MOTHMA
We can trust the Duke. Our spies are everywhere, and we know.
MULDER
However illogical that may be, I'll accept it.
(Close-up as he says this. We see that his ears are slightly pointed)
MON MOTHMA
General Solo, since you proved so effective during the first Death
Star, you will give covering fire for this attack, too. Do you have a
command crew?
SOLO
Ahhh... no...
CHEWBACCA
Graaowl!
SOLO
Okay, that's one...
LANDO
What about me, you pirate? The Falcon's actually my ship, you know!
SOLO
You can come along, but I won that ship from you fair and square!
LEIA
Save it for the TIE's, you two! ...and I'm coming, too. You need two
people for the guns, and two to fly that rust-bucket...
SOLO & LANDO
Hey! She's the fastest ship in the fleet!
SOLO
Okay, there's my command crew.
MON MOTHMA
Admiral Ackbar, is there anything else?
ACKBAR
Any questions? Good! Captain Kirk, Captain Picard, brief your crews.
Cmdr Skywalker, brief all the fighter crews. May the Force be with us!
They leave the briefing room.
Scene: Briefing room, Enterprise-A.
KIRK
Ok, we approach the Death Star from the other side of the planet.
On the approach, we beam down about 20 Redshirts, under command of the
FBI agents. Then we move on for a full frontal attack on the Death Star.
Mr. Sulu?
SULU
I'll brief the Redshirts. I assume you want full shields, Captain?
Very well. Mr. Scott, can you increase shield power?
SCOTT
I'll give ye all she's got, Captain. But our impulse speed will be
sacrificed.
KIRK
That shouldn't be a problem. According to Admiral Ackbar, we can hide
among the Star Destroyers. How about warp speed, Scotty? We may need to use
the Picard manoeuvre.
SCOTT
Aye, I can give ye warp speed, cap'n, but it won't be much. Warp 1 will
do for the Picard manoeuvre, won't it?
KIRK
It sure will, Scotty, it sure will...
Cut to ready room aboard the Enterprise-D.
PICARD
Well, that's settled, then... Wesley, transmit the virus to the X-Wing
squadrons... Zip it, first!
WESLEY
Yes, captain!
Cut to briefing room aboard a Rebel cruiser.
SKYWALKER
That is the situation. Red, Rogue, and Blue wings will go in first,
covered by Gold, Green, and Yellow, who will follow. Y-wing and B-wing
squadrons will keep the TIE's busy, while the Enterprise's
and other capital ships take care of the
Star Destroyers. May the Force be with us!
Fade to the Executor's bridge.
VADER
No excuses, Admiral. I want them tracked.
PIETT
It will be done, o ghost who walks!
VADER
WHAT???
PIETT
Uh.. it will be done, my lord!
Vader stares at him.
PIETT
It will be done, my lord, SIR!
Vader turns and strides off.
VADER
Fool!
Scene: Space shot of a desert planet: Dune. The Enterprises appear, followed moments later by most of the Rebel fleet. Cut to palace on surface of planet. Mulder, Scully, and a couple of dozen redshirts materialize.
DUKE ATREIDES
Welcome to Dune! We hope your stay will be a pleasant one, despite all
the fighting.
SCULLY
Let's get down to business. Where's the generator?
ATREIDES
It's some way out into the desert... This way, please.
The Duke and the FBI agents go to a briefing room. Thufir Hawat, Gurney Halleck, and Duncan Idaho are already there. A map of Dune is projected on the wall.
ATREIDES
(After making introductions)
Thufir, take over, please.
SCULLY
I hope this doesn't take too long, we must move fast.
HAWAT
The base is approximately 100 klicks south-east of here, at Cave of
Birds. We get there by riding worms...
IDAHO
These worms are well over 200 metres long, and could easily swallow
both the Enterprises.
MULDER
That makes me feel a lot better!
HAWAT
Don't worry, the Duke is an excellent thopter pilot. You and your
team will fly in with us.
Your 'redshirt' contingent will be joined by a band of about 20 Fremen.
It is they who will use the worms. Gurney?
HALLECK
The base is being defended
by Sardaukar and Harkonnen, so the Fremen will take them out... no, not
to dinner (Geez!). Then you take out the shield generator.
ATREIDES
Thank you, Thufir. We should get there within half an hour, if we
leave at once
Cut to shot of space, then to a Rebel capital ship
REBEL COMM. OFFICER
Sir, we have received a report from the surface. The generator attack has
begun!
ACKBAR
All Rebel ships! Prepare to attack on my mark!
Cut to space. Starfighters move out on both sides of the planet, towards the Death Star on the other side. The fleet mingles with the Imperial star destroyers.
Cut back to a large rocky region on Dune. A heavy fight is in progress. The Fremen and Atreides engage in hand-to-hand combat with the Sardaukar and Harkonnen, while the FBI have pinned down a group of stormtroopers with their service revolvers. Most of the Redshirts are dead. Need I say why? The entrance to the shield generator bunker is visible in the background.
SCULLY
I'm running out of ammo!
MULDER
(Picking up dropped phaser) Here, use this...
ATREIDES
(Over FBI-style bull-horn) Tell your men to stop their useless
resistance!
Cut to the falcon's flight deck. Lando and Han are piloting the ship dangerously close to the Star Destroyers.
SOLO
Leia! Chewie! See if you can get those laser turrets!
LANDO
I've got a reading on that shield. It's still up!
Scene: Shot of space. Battle rages. The Enterprise-D fires phasers on several TIE's which disintegrate. In the background, the Enterprise-A fires photon torpedoes on a VSD. An X-wing flies past, shooting turbolasers at a TIE that is setting up for an attack run on a Rebel cruiser. We see that two more Federation ships have joined the battle.
Cut to bridge of Enterprise-A. The main viewer is focussed on the battle raging outside. The Death Star is visible in the distance.
It might be useful at this point to describe this Death Star. Instead of the old spherical juggernaut, we have a cube with heavily rounded corners. It looks vaguely like the Borg cube, except that, for some strange reason, it is painted brightly in various colours which divide the surface into 9 squares on each face.
UHURA
Sir, the Death Star is hailing all Federation starships.
KIRK
Main viewer, split screen.
The main viewer splits up, with the other 3 Federation captains and one Borg.
BORG
This battle is irrelevant to you. Why do you fight here?
PICARD
(Insert long speech about defending freedom wherever it is threatened.
(I don't want to bore you with the details.))
BORG
Freedom is irrelevant. The Rebellion is futile. The Galaxy will
be assimilated.
The Borg fades out.
SPOCK
Captain, I'm reading an increase in the shield strength.
KIRK
I see Scotty is giving us more power...
SPOCK
I was speaking of the Death Star shields.
KIRK
Oh... Scotty! Give us more power!
SCOTTY (intercom)
She canna take much more, Captain! I'm giving yer all she's got! Er...
now that I've said my lines, can I go home, now?
KIRK
Sulu, close in on that Star Destroyer. Chekov, keep firing
phasers at the TIE's. Ready the photon torpedoes.
SULU and CHEKOV
Aye sir!
KIRK
Uhura, contact the other ships and inform them that we're going
for their flagship...
Bridge shakes, the crew is thrown about. Everyone regains their station.
UHURA
Sir, damage reports on Decks 7 through 10!
SPOCK
Shields at 85%.
KIRK
Increase shield power, Scotty. Spock, monitor the Star Destroyer's
shields. McCoy, report!
Cut to sickbay. McCoy, Chapel, and the cast of M*A*S*H are in the Operating Room (OR).
McCOY
Dammit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a reporter! We have casualties down
here! I'll report when I'm good and ready! McCoy out!
HAWKEYE
Klinger! Where's my Romulan Ale?
POTTER
Not now, Pierce!
Cut back to bridge. The Enterprise is rocked by another explosion.
KIRK
Spock, what was that?
SPOCK
They're firing proton torpedoes, Captain.
KIRK
Sulu, evasive action! Chekov, are we in range yet?
CHEKOV
We will be in range in 20 seconds, keptin.
Cut to the surface of the planet Dune. It looks like the battle is over. Zoom to Mulder. He is making a report over the comlink.
MULDER
Admiral, the shields are down!
Cut to Ackbar
ACKBAR
Thank you Agent Mulder. All fighters, the shields are down! Commence
attack on the Death Star's main computer!
Cut to bridge of Enterprise-A
UHURA
Sir, X-wing Red squadron reports beginning the trench run. Rouge
squadron going in... Blue squadron going in... Sir, they request
covering fire!
KIRK
Inform Ackbar that we'll cover! Sulu, alter course! Chekov, hold fire,
save it for the Death Star.
Cut to space. The Ent-A moves towards the Death Star at full impulse (whatever that is)
A meaningless scene involving a dogfight over the Death Star's surface...
RED LEADER
Red wing setting up trench run! Rouge, cover us!
RED 3
AARGH!
ROUGE 2
Blue 5, there's a bandit on your six!
MAVERICK
I'm on it, Sierra!
ROUGE LEADER
Maverick, wrong script!
GOOSE
The bird to you, Rouge!
A couple of F-16's zip by, one of which is upside-down above a TIE... okay, there's no up/down in space, they're flying cockpit-to-cockpit. Then again, there's no sound in space, but you can hear all the phasers, lasers, and torpedoes, so why do they say that no one can hear you scream? Maybe the other sounds drown out the screams?
Suddenly, there are two phaser shots, and three TIE's explode. One of them crashes into a tower. Quick cut to Death Star control room.
OFFICER
Lord Vader, they've taken out our tracking devices!
VADER
Then we'll fight them ship-to-ship!
He storms out. Cut to Satellite of Love.
MIKE
Haven't we seen this before?
CROW
Shut up and keep watching.
Cut to Enterprise-D. It's in a fight with two Star Destroyers. Cut to bridge.
DATA
Sir, we're under heavy fire from photon torpedoes. At this rate, the
shields will only hold for approximately 2.8674 hours.
WESLEY
(whispers) Data, you just used a contraction!
TASHA
Captain, we have reports of an alien on Deck 23. It's eating through
the deck, and is almost onto Deck 24.
WESLEY
Captain, if I may...
Suddenly, a bunch of marines burst onto the bridge, followed by a large man with one normal eye and one glowing red one.
TERMINATOR
Is Sarah Connor here? No? I'll be back. (leaves)
RIPLEY
You have alien problems? We have solutions!
PICARD
Get off my bridge! The alien's on Deck 23...
WORF
Deck 25, sir...
PICARD
(performs Picard manoevre, i.e., straightens shirt)...Deck 25
The marines leave.
LaFORGE
Captain, I think I have a solution against those Star Destroyers.
ME
What Star Destroyers?? Oh...
PICARD
Go ahead, Geordi.
GEORDI
Sir, we can integrate the phaser emitter coils and the warp field
dispersion generator according to Cauchy-Reimann equations, which, at the
proper resonating frequency should dissipate a large number of anti-baryons,
effectively producing a Tyndall field, which would enhance the ion flow
in their propulsion devices and cause a terminal feedback.
Bugs bunny appears with a sign saying "Silly -- isn't it?". A pink bunny-robot beating a drum passes in the background.
PICARD
Ri-ight...huh?
WESLEY
We throw everything at them, and their engines flood, causing them to
blow up.
PICARD
Make it so!
The Enterprise-D manoevring around a Star Destroyer. In the background, the Enterprise-A is seen moving towards the Death Star. Suddenly, a bright beam shoots out from the Ent-D's deflector dish, and hits the Star Destroyer. The SD slowly careens out of control and crashes into a nearby SD. Cut to Ent-D bridge.
RIKER
My God, sir, it's full of stars!
TROI
I sense great pain...
ALL
Shut up, Deanna!
WORF
Sir, Klingon ship decloaking off the port bow! They're hailing...
PICARD
On-screen.
WORF
...us.
The face of a Klingon captain appears on the screen.
K'APLA
Picard, that was a most excellent move! Allow me to congratulate you.
PICARD
(embarrassed) Aww, it was nothing! (scuffles feet, looks at floor)
K'APLA
Ah, well, it was worthy of a true Klingon warrior. K'Apla out.
WORF
Sir, we're being hailed by the FBI... audio only.
PICARD
Let's hear it, Mr. Worf.
MULDER (vo)
Captain, we have been successful. The shield bunker is destroyed. But
we lost all your Ensigns.
PICARD
That's okay, Mr. Mulder, we have an infinite supply. I suggest you stay
on the surface for the moment, we are all rather busy now. Picard out.
Cut to Death Star trench. A lone X-wing roars down the trench, with four TIE's in hot pursuit. Phaser fire lances all around them. Cut to the X-wing's cockpit. Luke is looking into his targetting computer.
LUKE
R2, get ready to upload the virus. (pause) What do you mean,
NO CARRIER?? Red 5 to all allied ships, take out those TIE's, please,
they're interfering.
Cut to long range shot of trench, with the TIE's barely visible, and the Ent-A. The Ent-A shoots a few more phaser shots. Just then, the Millenium Falcon zooms by, all the lasers firing at the TIE's. Close-up of TIE's as they disintegrate.
Cut to close-up of Kirk
KIRK
Go for it, Mr. Skywalker!
Close-up of Solo in the Falcon's cockpit.
SOLO
You're all clear, kid! Now let's transmit that virus and go home!
Cut to Luke's cockpit. He reaches over and flips a button marked "upload". The HUD shows a percentage bar, which appears to be stuck at 0%.
R2D2
Bleep! Boop!! Bwap! Tweedledee! Tweedlesquirge!
LUKE
What do you mean they don't have Z-Modem?? Switch to Kermit!
The bar moves...slowly.
LUKE
Han, I'll have to dock, this is taking longer than I thought.
The X-wing settles to the bottom of the trench.
Cut to exterior of trench, where the Enterprise-A and the Falcon are holding off a few TIE's. Suddenly, everything goes crazy. The phaser shots turn into hail, the Falcon turns into a real falcon, and the Death Star turns into a very surprised whale. Cut to bridge of Enterprise-D, with the Ent-A crew on it, looking totally stoned. Cut to the Ent-A's bridge, where the TNG crew are in a similar state of shock. Cut back to space, where the Heart of Gold has appeared. Cut to interior.
TRILLIAN
Improbability level 10 to the twentieth and falling...10 to the 16th,
10 to the 6th....100 to 1...42 to 1....2 to 1...improbability level back to
normal.
Cut back to space, where everything has returned to normal... well, as normal as it can get in this parody. Cut back to the H. of G.
FORD
(downs a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster and doesn't say anything)
ARTHUR
Say, Trillian, do you suppose there's some tea here?
ZAPHOD
Shut up, Dent! Eddie, what are we doing here?
EDDIE
Well, sorry, Mr. Beeblebrox, sir, but someone gave me the wrong script!
ME
Hey, don't look at me! You wanted to be here!
Cut to Luke's cockpit. The status bar has reached 98%. It hits 100% as we watch.
R2D2
Beep!
LUKE
Yes, thank you R2... (puts away magazine) Let's get out of here... Han!
Coming through!
Cut to space: long-distance shot of Death Star. The Ent-A, Falcon, and a couple of X-wings streak away from it. Cut to main viewer aboard the Ent-D.
BORG
Luke, what are you doing? You know I have the greatest possible
enthusiasm for assimilation! General Protection Fault! Assimilate!
The Borg begins to spark, as the entire fleet watches and listens.
BORG
(a more mechanical voice) Good... morning... Dr...Soran... I...
am... ready... for... my... first... lesson... today...
Cut to space. The Death Star explodes.