When Friends Divide
By Nicole Mayer (destiny@wwdg.com)
7 July 1998.


- An internal reflection of Janeway's on a sad, potentially life-
changing day.

Disclaimer: The characters and situations contained within are the
property of Paramount Pictures etc.  No copyright infringement is
intended.


                       WHEN FRIENDS DIVIDE


That rat-fink of a best friend.  How could he do this?  How?  How? 
I sit here late at night, wondering, frustrated, so worried and so
upset.  I don't know what's going to happen.  I don't want to know. 
If only I could shove my head in a pillow and forget all about the
revelations that were shown to me tonight.

But I can't forget.  I can't forget greeting Tom as we picked him
up.  I can't forget him embracing his new friends in a tearful
goodbye, both men and women, it didn't matter, for his whole trip
had been a spiritual experience.  I noticed that he held on to one
woman a little longer, but I quickly put it out of my mind as I
looked around for my other friends who had beamed here with me.

Chakotay, my strength and reluctant friend to Tom.  Harry, who is
perhaps Tom's closest friend; and Tuvok, who admits to a grudging
respect for Tom but no more.  We were there to bring him home to
Voyager after a much-needed convalescence.  

B'Elanna wasn't able to come, having been stuck up to her neck in
repairing the warp core.  But I knew she was looking forward to
having Tom come home.  She'd been missing him for days; and
although she'd tried to hide it, I'd seen her mooning around with
a lonely expression on her face.

I tried to comfort her, but I was busy.  B'Elanna has become one of
my closest friends, and a person I know I will remain friends with
for most of my life.   We have a bond, somehow, we've become like
sisters to each other, it's a bond I never imagined when I first
met the fiery engineer with a penchant for trouble.  

No matter where this voyage takes us, there are several people on
this ship whose friendship I know I will not lose.  Chakotay, of
course.  I know that he still loves me and I - well, that's another
whole topic that I can't think about tonight.  Tuvok, too, will
always remain close.  

But Tom, Tom, there was only a sense of camaraderie between us
until he began dating B'Elanna.  Their love somehow brought about
true friendship between Tom and myself.  Even as I struggled to
stay distant, cold and aloof as I was expected to be, Tom's open
nature drew me in.  I allowed him to get close to the real me, and
he, too, is amongst my most treasured friends.  Yet when I stop and
think about it, he changed with B'Elanna's love, and it was only
their bond that drew me to him.

And that is why I cannot believe what he has done.  I've watched
those two - fighting, carefully dodging the growing attraction,
until they could do nothing but give in.  It was a romance I never
thought would last but it has, incredibly, and up until tonight, I
would have said inevitably.  She brought out the best in him, and
he in her.  

I thought they were perfect together.  They joked of marriage - and
everyone knows that the gentle jesting eventually leads to a real
proposal.  I've seen it happen so many times in my life.

And Tom - one night when he, Harry and Chakotay were deep in
conversation, sharing secrets that were probably brought on by a
mild state of drunkenness - swore his undying love to B'Elanna.  Of
all the girlfriends he'd had, he said that he never knew real love
until he met her and knew they would marry someday.  Chakotay
related this to me, and soon after Tom told me the same thing. 
"I've been in love with B'Elanna all my life, it just took me this
long to find her."  

The romantic in me thought that was so sweet (while Chakotay
privately gagged!).  Heart-to-heart conversations with Tom only
strengthened this belief that he was more in love than he'd ever
been.  It was truly wonderful to see.

We all thought we were doing the right thing by sending Tom to the
planet for three days.  He'd been ill for so long, something to do
with a lack of fresh air the doctor finally surmised.  So we sent
him away for a complete break from us and everything he knew,
hoping he would return refreshed and revitalised.  

And tonight we returned for him, smiling to see him so happy
amongst his new friends.  We exchanged hugs of welcome, delighted
at the huge smile on his face and wanting to hear his stories.  But
instead, he said to us, "I want you to meet someone really
special."

Immediately, ice began to creep over my heart.  Someone special? 
But he already had someone special waiting for him on Voyager! 
With trepidation, I followed him to the woman he'd hugged so
fervently earlier.  He introduced us to her, and her name was
Carae.  

He casually put his arm around her and smiled, she returned the
smile.  There was a light in both pairs of eyes.  I am sure my jaw
dropped but I quickly recovered my composure and listened to their
light banter.

An extraordinarily strong, special bond had apparently grown
between Carae and Tom in the space of a mere day, for he'd only met
her the night before as she served him dinner.  He joked about how
he'd continually emptied his glass of juice simply so that she'd
have a reason to return to his table and bring him more.  Tom raved
about how much they had in common, and all the while I was
thinking, "But what about B'Elanna?"

I looked closely at Carae.  She wasn't classically beautiful but
was attractive enough, and dressed in a gloriously coloured dress. 
What made the difference was the light in her eyes which betrayed
a beautiful, beautiful personality inside.  This woman was glowing
with happiness and love and I could see how any person might be
drawn into her presence.  But it was more than a simple attraction
for Tom, I could see a special sparkle in his eyes as they spoke. 

Carae tried to include us, the outsiders, in their conversation but
we honestly had nothing to say to each other.  We - and I speak for
myself, Chakotay, Tuvok, and Harry - were perhaps dumbstruck.  How
could Tom be so familiar with this woman?  How could he behave as
if *she* were his girlfriend - I'm sure any outsiders watching
would have surmised that's exactly what she was.  How could he, in
front of us, when we *knew* how much he (once) loved B'Elanna? 
How?  And why?  

We didn't say a thing, we knew we had no right to.  This was Tom's
life and his choice of friends.  I half mumbled something to
Chakotay while listening to Tom and Carae, as he discovered that
she wasn't married (he had thought she was).  That revelation sent
new chills down my spine.  

My perfect little world on Voyager was being destroyed by the
moment.  If Tom's relationship with B'Elanna crumbled, then our
times of friendship and fun as a small group (consisting of myself
and a few of my senior staff) would be destroyed.  I've seen it
happen before: one couple splits and the entire circle of
friendship is broken.  Sometimes it takes months to recover,
sometimes it never does.  

I knew it was selfish of me thinking these things, wanting Tom to
stay with B'Elanna simply for my peace of mind and a state of
tranquillity on the ship.  But as I watched Tom and Carae, seeing
a new light in Tom's eyes, I was worried that such a split was
inevitable and this dream-like euphoric state we've been living in
was about to be destroyed.  It takes a long time to become as close
to people as we have to each other.  I don't want to lose that.  

So we basically stood there, watching, until I said that we really
had to leave.  Tom hugged Carae goodbye once more, and then we
gathered his things and left for the shuttle.

All the way home, Tom was raving about his three days of
experiences on the friendly planet, and Carae.  Saying how he'd
never met anyone like her.  And then came the bombshell - he
planned to spend an entire day with her when Voyager came by the
next week.  (We have been circling this system of planets,
gathering much needed supplies and giving the crew shore leave
wherever possible).  

At that announcement, a silence descended over the five of us.  It
seemed like no one dared to say anything - after all, it's *Tom's*
life and his decisions to make.  But I know that every single one
of us was thinking about B'Elanna.  Would Tom tell her about Carae? 
What would he tell her?  And how would she cope if he wanted to
break up?  


B'Elanna needs Tom so much.  I know she would never admit it, she
would hide behind her brave facade and pretend to the universe that
she was glad to be rid of him.  But she would be hurting an awful
lot.  I believe this is the first time B'Elanna's ever truly been
in love and it's so hard to lose the first.  I don't want her to
suffer!

There's been a war inside my head - to tell her, or not to tell? 
I shouldn't interfere but I don't want to see her hurt with no
warning.  Yet if I hint that something is going on she could become
suspicious for no good reason.  

I just wish this had never happened!

My worst fear is what if Tom wants to *stay* here with her?  Not
only will B'Elanna lose him, but I will too.  We all will.  And I
don't want to lose my friend; it's such a frightening prospect.  

I wish I could do something.  I'm so used to controlling the lives
of others that it's hard for me to accept that on personal matters,
I have absolutely no jurisdiction.  I can't order Tom to stay with
B'Elanna simply to satisfy my own needs of peace and harmony.  I
can't even suggest that he stay with B'Elanna because he owes it to
her, playing up on the guilt aspect; for I know that he probably
would.  Despite his outward appearance, Tom is a loyal man.

So tonight, he and B'Elanna are alone.  I could see it on
B'Elanna's face when she greeted us in the shuttle bay that she
wasn't happy, almost as if she sensed something was wrong.  Tom
half-heartedly hugged her and we left, not daring to see what
happened next.

Over dinner, we sat together and tried to laugh but B'Elanna was
strangely withdrawn.  Tom did the best he could to draw her out and
was certainly affectionate enough.  But perhaps B'Elanna noticed
the worried looks on our faces; there was an undercurrent of
tension that was impossible to ignore.  We all knew about Carae -
Tom had made no attempts to hide their relationship (which could be
platonic friendship, for all we know) - but B'Elanna had absolutely
no idea of what was going on.  I regretted leaving her on Voyager
that day.  She should have been there, just to see.  


We left Tom and B'Elanna alone together after dinner; we all sensed
that they needed this time and B'Elanna wholeheartedly agreed with
us.  And so now what?  What is happening between two of my closest
friends?  Will he tell her about Carae?  Should he?  

I don't want them to break up!  I don't, for it will ruin my
idyllic little world.  I wanted to go to their wedding and see them
have children and accept them, as a couple, as part of my "family"
forever.

Now everything has been suddenly turned around by three short days. 
We should have never sent him away but he needed it.  Now I'm
feeling guilty, I sent him, and B'Elanna will suffer for it.  But
it's no one's fault, I can't blame anyone, not myself, not that
rat-fink Tom, and not even Carae.  I adore Tom and want him to be
happy, even if that means he's taken away from me. 

If Tom and Carae are destined to be together, truly in love, then
nothing can keep them apart.  Not me, or my actions.  Not even
Tom's wonderful relationship with another woman.  It is all in the
hands of fate.  

Please, fate, be kind.  Keep Tom and B'Elanna together.  

---
END.

Author's Note: This is a really personal story that I wrote for
myself, and myself alone.  Honestly, you could substitute the names
of my friends and myself for the people in this story.  I was just
really upset when I wrote it and had to get it out somehow.  "When
Friends Divide" is the result.  

I apologise to the real "Carae" and "Tom", should they ever read
this.  And "Tom", please don't give up on J, you know you love her
even if she is difficult.