Hello League! This is the fourth edition of the League of Mad Scientist's newsletter from the desk in Deep 6 it's........... The E-Zine of Evil!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +INDEX +Introduction- +Page Info (what's new) & Who's in the League now? +Project: Fat Guy by TV's Jeff +A Cool Thing To Do For Halloween, by Tv's Bean +Bumbershoot! Bumbershoot!-- by , Dr.Jacque Strapp, Dr.Elizabeth Langstrom (I wrote way too much) (the ones who went there on that fatefull Saturday and bothered to write it.) +How to Make Cheese Weasels by Dr. Iggy Spamsonite +How to be a dead man by by Dr.Dexter Poppinopolous +Evil Thoughts For Today +101 Things To Do With A Bag Of Dead Fish +EXTRA! EXTRA! Membership cards and a logo for the League!! Get yours now! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Introduction: Ok, I'm sorry. I had a cold. This edition of the 'zine is a lazy excuse for a "special edition", so #4 is really a compilation of September's issue which I couldn't write in time and October's issue. To try and make up for it, I'll include my "101 things to do with a bag of dead fish" article that IS ACTUALLY GETTING PUBLISHED IN THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER!!!! Whoa. Dr.Elizabeth "Bubble" Langstrom ps: I know that telling about Bumbershoot has little to do with science, but it has so much to do with madness that I figured it qualified. Bite me! :) pss: About that same article, the over-detailing I did was what stalled the 'zine. Like I said, I had a cold, got all groggy, and wanted to try to remember the whole thing. But hey, if you're ever on a 14-hour flight with nothing better to read, you're all set! Tee-hee. But enough on that, check out the smorgasbord of articles before you and not just the blue-plate special. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Page Info (what's new?) & Who's in the League now? Hey guess what folks?!? We've finally got an actual League member in the Rogue Gallary! Yes, it's none other than the wonderful Dr.Jane Amaris Smith, or Amy to those of us who don't like writing down long names. Bobbo D. Clown (while still living in Texas.... ) is online again and can be e-mailed. Huzzah! Other than that nothing new's happened to the League. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Project: Fat Guy by TV's Jeff Yes, hello. Let me introduce myself. I'm TV's Jeff. Much like TV's Frank, I am a Mad Scientist's assistant. Well, that is to say I WAS a Mad Scientist's assistant. I'm finally taking up my dream of becoming a full-fledged Mad Scientist. Here is my first experiment as a Mad. Project: Fat Guy Here's what I did: I asked some homeless guy on the street, "How would you like to be fed warm, delicious food everyday, for free?" Well, the guy was too drunk to say anything, but he followed me home, so I took that as a yes. The Declicious Food: Big Macs I wanted to see if a man could get so fat, that he actually explodes. Now this has been tried before, but they were testing if a man's STOMACH would explode. They force fed a man turkey's until his stomach exploded. But I'm not setting out to do that. I want to see if a man who ate 4 Big Mac for breakfast, 4 Big Macs for lunch, and 4 Big Macs for dinner (with occasional vitamins so the man doesn't die of malnutrition before the experiment is done)over the period of one month, would accumulate enough fat cells in his body, that the skin would be stretched beyond it's limit and explode, leaving nothing but a big, soggy mess for the janitor to clean up, and the smell of halfway digested "secret" sauce. Week 1: Week one was kind of slow. I think that his body burned up all of the calories becasuse he hadn't eaten much food as of late. I expect things to get moving pretty soon. My cat "Mittens" meows, as if to agree. Boy, I may be evil, but there's nothing like a cute cat to keep you company during a month-long experiment. Week 2: Geez! He still hasn't gained much weight. This experiment might have to be extended to 2 or 3 months if things coninue in this direction. Man, this is getting kind of boring. The 2 Bic Macs(or BM's as I so fondly call them) for 2 dollars deal has expired, and now these BM's are really putting a dent in my checkbook. Which is odd, because I don't have a checkbook. At least Mittens is here to keep me from dying of boredom. Week 3: I don't get it. He has only gained 3 %$#@! pounds! I'm really getting tired of this. This wasn't a very successful experiment. But I guess every Mad Scientist has failed at some time or another, they just have to learn from their mistakes. Oh, to top it all off, my beloved Mittens is pregnant. I just KNEW I should have listened to Bob Barker. Why? Week 4: My cat Mittens exploded. It turns out that homeless guy got tired of eating nothing but Big Macs, so he ate Mitten's cat food, and kept feeding Mittens the BM's. I guess Mittens wasn't pregnant after all, she was just fat. And that's why the test subject gained hardly any weight. Rest assured, the test subject was beaten with a bag full of Kitty Litter, and sent back to the gutter's of San José, where I found him. Conclusion: Cats can definitely explode, but it hasn't yet been proven that humans can or will. Final Words: That's the experiment. I hope you all have learned from this. -TV's Jeff =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Cool Thing To Do For Halloween by Tv's Bean Ok, you know those haunted houses where they make those little kids feel those things and they say they're like hearts and brains and stuff? Well next time you run one of those, go to the butcher for some spare parts and use REAL hearts and brains because it doubles the fun!! Super neat-o complete-o! Yeah!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Bumbershoot! Bumbershoot! =-=-=-=-=-=-=- It all started at a Conway Texaco. The sun was shining and the mustang parked next to us had a warped logo. I had bright hopes for the afternoon, and was anxious for meeting up with the rest of the group that was going. As they arrived, so did a group of ominous looking group of bikers pulled up and parked in a neat row. I must admit the idea of knocking them over all in a row like domino's before we left seemed pretty tempting, but the time to go was already at hand. As we pulled into a garage near the Seattle Center my the anticipation was so great, I began to get more hyper than a 6 year old on a trip to Disney Land. We had a blast just hanging around, and even once started doing the Bunny Hop and got a couple of people to join in with us. We went around to a few boothes and just hung out but we had a blast. Finally, the Grand Finale of a Beck concert was on. The speakers blared and everyone screamed themself hoarse as Beck gave a marvelous performance. And a final note to anyone that was at the Sonic Youth performace; the duck was broken into 3 pieces. -Jacque Rasputin "the Human Torch" "Ace in the Hole" Strapp =-=-=-=-=-=-=- This is everything I can remember about my magical trip with most of the local Mads to the happy land of loud music, bunny hopping, happy musical crowds, outdoor food courts, and yes.... Mentos. Ok, I remember a car trip. But not an ordinary car trip, this was a magical, shiny, cooler than that Pound Puppy who's name was Cooler (yes it scares me that I know that name still) car trip. I was in the back seat of a van, to the right of Dr.Strapp who was sitting next to Dr.Scully, and in front of me were Dr.?, Tv's Bean and an assortment of moms. I had a roll of Mentos (the mint kind, of course), and I didn't mind letting the other members of the car trip in on my secret stash of fresh-and-full-of-lifeliness. Dr.Strapp kept sticking his hand out for candy, and I think that I made him tell me a story for each Mento before I gave it to him. After awhile he'd popped about five Mentos into his mouth (I had assumed that they'd been chewed and swallowed), and then he held out his hand and spit them out into his hand, each one without a scratch. This looked both scary and awe inspiring, and just think, he told a story with four Mentos stored in his mouth! Wow... The rest of the car trip was filled up with disco singalongs because the stereo was kept far to quiet to hear. The favorite song was "Rasputin", which was discovered about a month earlier by Dr.Scully on a disco dance mix type of tape and has been considered a source of complete amusement and joy ever since (Dr.Strapp has since been named after "Russia's greatest love machine" as the song cheerfully coined that darn Rasputin). Of course there were Bee Gee songs too, the most notible being "Stayin' Alive" because of the large number of persons who knew some of the words (a lot of high-pitched mumbling also went on anyway), and "I Will Survive" which isn't a Bee Gee tune at all (I might not even have sung it) but I like that song so I mentioned it here. Bite me! After about an hour and a half of this we arrived at the simply magical five-storied parking lot where the van would call home for the next few hours. We cheered as we drove in, not because we were finally there and could stretch our legs, but because a person wearing a Red Dwarf t-shirt was spotted walking down the sidewalk. The car came to a halt and we climbed out and we walked down four flights of stairs and two blocks (oddly enough the sun was out and the sky was blue, even though this took place in Seattle and the weather forcast fortold rain, rain, RAIN!) to the beautiful big gates of the Seattle Center, the yearly home of Bumbershoot. We got our tickets looked at and whatnot and walked in. Some AT&T people were giving out those necklace-purse-plastic-things that are about the size of empty toilet paper cardboard tubes to anyone 12 and under. My mom said she was 12 and under and the lady laughed in a "we all are inside, so smile child, smile" kind of way and we all got necklace things that we wore proudly throughout the day until we remembered that we were wearing them and stuck them in our backpacks. I remember the moms and the rest of us going seperate ways and Jacque, Eudora, Bean and I starting a bunny-hop line which a pair of strangers (who looked in their forties and very smiley) joined in (I was on the end of the line so I got a pair of unfrimiliar hands on my shoulders... whee!). These people even sang the "da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-da-da hop hop hop" song with us, and when everyone was done we all laughed and one of the strangers told us that at four there was going to be a big show (a bunny hop show? I do not know) in the fountain. We smiled and made note of it, and tried later to show up (unfortunatly, we remembered to check watches around six so we didn't make it... I think we were in line for a Sonic Youth concert, but I'm getting ahead of myself). Unfortunatly, Dr.? didn't bunny hop. He stood there looking like he was trying to be cool and also looking a little hurt because earlier I had hit him over the head with my plastic thing for checking my "hands" for Exidor. Bean later told me that they were argueing over the phone because he thought that I padded my bra and she thinks that he was checking to see if he was right. For reference, he was wrong and the main thing about me that's artificial is my smell which is quite keenly controlled with a mixture of chemicals called "deoderant" and incense or perfume or something, not that anyone especially wanted to know that or anything. But all I knew was that he was suddenly eye level with 'em and his nose was three inches away from me. Probobally trying to get a really good look. I flung that plastic-on-a-rope (actually, it was around my wrist and I'd forgotten about it. I had been holding a newspaper-thing which had the list of what bands and maps and whatnot on it, and I'd planned to hit him with that) and made a really nice "thump" sound against the top of his head. But anyway...... Oh, and I didn't hit him very hard. He's just without siblings so he's not used to being hit with odd pieces of plastic every so often. I think we walked down the outdoor food court (which stretched about five blocks or something) and the crowd was thick enough that you really couldn't see very well. This added with the smoke of many a barbeque makes my memory a little foggy. Sometime I remember checking watches, newspapers, and going off to wait in a really long line for a Sonic Youth concert (the concerts were free with your nine dollar enterance ticket into Bumbershoot, which I think completly rules). A couple of college-age guys took a ten foot shortcut through the line and I heard some people near me blame the incident on Mentos commercials, and they shouted to the line-cutters that they have to either flash a roll of Mentos or get back in line where they were before. There were no Mentos shown, but because by then we were all at the end of the line and pouring into the stadium there was no "SHOW ME THE MENTOS!" commotion. I only fear what might have ensued. The stadium was rather odd so I'll try and explain it's layout. There were the two towering c-shaped things full of seats, but in the middle there was (instead of some kind of sports field) a spongy, green covering where people sat, stood, danced, walked and did whatever they wouldn't do in the (I can't think of the right word for the seats and it's driving me crazy) elevated, symmetrical seating devices. We got a seat somewhere near the nosebleed section (we were somewhat late and the spongy thing and low seats were all all covered in people), and we happily sat there amongst all those unfrimiliar people. Sonic Youth came out and they played. The mosh pit moshed, and for awhile a two dimensional dare-devil giant wooden duck crowd surfed, but after awhile it was broken up into pieces. I was saddened and amused and saddened, because, how would you feel if a crowd broke YOUR duck?!? Not very happy. Because of my lack of frimiliarity with their band I can't say what songs they did (I'm ashamed to admit my ignorance, but damnit I'm human too! ... unless you talk to the F.B.I., but they can't be trusted about things like that). We unfortunatly had to leave this concert early so as to meet the other group of people and maybe sponge some money. I got lost in the crouds and as I wandered the most frimiliar part of the outdoor food court (it was near the fountain, which was part of the designated meeting place), and I got arrested for being under the influence of rock 'n' roll (and forced to plead guilty.. FORCED I TELL YOU!!!) by a lady who I can only guess was hired to stop people on the street and make silly arrests (she was nice and got me to smile even though I was mildly freaking out about being completly lost) and hand out those newspaper things (I think she handed me one, but I don't remember). I was spotted and reunited with everyone while I was being arrested so this particular mini-story does indeed have a happy ending. I think I sponged a few dollars, and we all parted ways again, the under twenty people and the over thirty people. There was Magic cards booth which was giving out free binoculars and free cards (Jacque and Dr.? knew how to play, and Eudora, Bean and I were suckers for free things). Dr.Strapp and Dr.? played a rigged game of Magic: The Gathering (or whatever it's called, I'm completly unfrimiliar with that magical game as of yet) in front of a crowd of about 20 people or so, and they each got free t-shirts. Then I think there was a little bit of aimless wandering, buying of cold strawberry juice-drink (yet another name that has eluded me), sitting on a bench, and a few failed attempts to get money by singing on the street, but the closest we ever got was the occasional sung line from "My Fair Lady" from Bean (she looks an itty bitty bit like Audrey Hepburn in it so it's her favorite musical, next to Jaws), the first few verses of "Destination Anywhere" from me (ala the movie "The Commitments", which oddly enough I had scenes from it memorized a few summers ago) and yes (of course) a few lines of doing the bunny hop. I think I sat on a bench for a few hours, because I was really spacey and feeling a little weak (later on I learned that I had cought a cold that I STILL HAVE! grrr). But everyone else bench sat too and we had fun. Tv's Bean, Dr.Eudora Scully and myself entertained ourselves by painting the letter H on our foreheads (another Red Dwarf reference, meaning that we were now dead and ergo holograms for those of you who are unfrimiliar with the show). I also somehow used a lot of clips and made my hair look short (neck length) even though it usually covers my whole back (it looked kinda weird but in a good way), and I tried (and failed *sniff*) to make Dr.? look different somehow (I put all his hair in a sort of short pony tail on top of his head, but he pulled it right out. Meanie.). I think the moms met up with us again in a few hours and bought dinner. Oh, and someone would sit on someone else's lap and then their lap would get sat on by someone else and so on and so on until there was a sort of line of sitting people which looked really weird. Dinner was hamburgers for most of us, but I think that Dr.? had a mini pizza. Jacque kept pining for a spicy curry food (he and Dr.? had travled Europe and gone to England where they have lots of curry resturants or so I'm told), but I think he got a hamburger anyway. As soon as dinner was over we all walked off and got in line for the Beck concert. I'm not sure about this because the day the tickets were bought I was asleep in the car dreaming about how Bean had gone to Denny's and got me a carton of milk like all good little sisters do, but unfortunatly I woke up and was startled to find that I had no carton of milk and that the car was so big. But that's a whole story in itself, so I'll just say that I wasn't really there when the tickets were bought. Anyways, I'm not sure but I think that Saturday was picked out of the four days of Bumbershoot because that was the one day that Beck was there. At least, that's how I'd like to think of it, being a devoted fan and all (I think that the rest of the local Mads are too, at least Bean and Eudora are and Dr.? owns the album Odelay and Dr.Strapp often borrows it.). I myself own three albums (Odelay (the only one I owned at the time of Bumbershoot), Mellow Gold and One Foot In The Grave), but I'm just going off on a tangent and should get back to the story. We walked in line (the same place the Sonic Youth line was) and waited for a little less time than before (the sun was starting to go down and we were about an hour early so it seemed like no time at all). We sat in the bleachers (AHA!! THAT'S THE WORD!!!!!) only about ten feet above the ground, but still far enough away from the stage that the faces of the people on it were all blurry. The evening's sponsor and a local radio DJ came out to talk. The sponsor, a verbal automaton working for the megacompany Budweiser, talked about something and was booed loudly by the audience. My mom asked why he as being booed at, and although I had many ideas I was sure of none. A jazz trio (Beck's opening act, I think) came out and preformed for about fourty five minutes. They could swing and they had a youthfull energy to them that is somewhat rare in the medium. The drummer had this amazing, 5 minute drum solo by himself while the rest of the band went off of the stage for awhile. I guess you had to have been there, but it made my arms hurt just to watch. Well, I was also being bumped into every so often by the people on either side of me, but the watching of the drummer didn't help any! The sun went down during their act, and after they left the stage some recorded disco music serenaded the fading light until it was dark (this was about 30 minutes, and the stage was all a-busy with people running around and setting up stuff). Eudora, Bean and myself were all completly extatic because the first disco song played was "Flashlight" and we, the sick, sick humans we are, knew that song really well and danced in the bleachers laughing. The growing crowd was nothing short of amazing. I mean, to watch it was like to watch the ocean or a big field of grain (you know, like in those allergy adds where the person windsurfs on the amber waves of grain?). There were so many people! They had to close the stadium enterances because it was so packed full that no one could get in anymore. Being the little island girl who's school only has a few hundred people in it that I am, it looked completly and totally (I live on an island with a bridge to the mainland, which means I'm cheating, but it IS sourrounded by water so neyah! It's Fidalgo Island, which is almost completly covered with the city of Anacortes. I've mentioned this for all you people who know Washington state or are bored enough to look it up.). I mean, it was like an ocean of human hair (now THERE'S an idea!) and I was sitting twenty feet or so above it. Just the picture that comes to my mind when I remember it is a complete and total trip, because there was this cool swirl pattern of moving people and it was like watching a giant living lava lamp (another idea). Anyways, while we were laughing, grooving to the happenin' tunes of disco fever, tripping because of the crowd and that we'd actually get to see famous people in person, the stage was being transformed and distorted into something completly different than what we'd seen it be earlier. Lights were being set up all over it, lights of all colors, intensities, strobe lights.... I can't remember what all was happening onstage, but I do remember playing the game of "hey, who's that person on the stage and what's he doing?" with Bean and Eudora. Dr.? was leaning forward and facing Bean and was between me and Bean (they were both between me and Eudora, so I could mostly talk to her through Bean) so it was kind of hard to get any more than hollywood-cave-man conversation in, like "WHO'S HE?" "WHAT?" "BEAN! YOU SEE WHO'S HE?" "ELECTRICAL STUFF GUY!" "OK! THINK SO TOO!" "WHAT?" "YEAH!" "OK!" Damn, don't you just love a good stimulating, intellectual conversation? Anyways (I use that word a lot, don't I?), the stage was turning into something, but flood lights all above the stadium kept it from drawing a ton of attention just yet. The disco continued, the dancing and screaming continued, the human lava lamp kept on swirling, and suddenly all the lights in the place went out. After a tiny pause, the stage lights exploded into a multicolor glow and the show began. The gigantic crowd cheered and roared and whatnot, a few people went deaf, and the band stood on the stage (I think that there was a sort of musical thing going on, but honestly this is where my memory starts to blur a little bit). Then the man behind the turntables (D.J. Swamp's his name) introduced Beck (think of how the announcer introduces David Letterman, only in not as sarcastic a manner), the lights suddenly got brighter (like they were saying "ta-da!") and Beck walked out on the stage in a white disco-type suit. I don't remember the whole thing in much detail because I didn't take the time to stop and make note of what was going on. I was too busy staring nonblinkingly and slackjawedly at the stage, or screaming at the end of each song along with the rest of the hundreds (millions?) of people. The few things I do however remember go as follows: The lights kept on doing that crazy, strobe-light-lava-lamp, phosphorescent-waterfall-bouquet, kind of permanant-firework thing that they did. I remember being awed by this, but that isn't much to boast because I'm mezmerized by anything from a lighter to a lazer show (which highly recomend. If you're ever near Seattle, go to the Pacific Science Center and go see a lazer show if they're playing music you like... it's fab-oo), thanks to a love of shiny things ala the Cat from the show Red Dwarf. But even if you arn't a "ooh, look at all the pretty lights!" type you would still probobally want to take a picture (overexposing your film in the process). Above all, the lights moved to the rhythmic timing of the music! Mind you, it wasn't only an electric disco on ice, for a handfull of songs the band left the stage and Beck played the music by himself with a guitar, harmonica, and microphone like a talented kid in a train station hoping to get money thrown in his guitar case so he can buy a ticket to someplace. For this, the only light was a spotlight (it was such a trip when someone would throw something up in the air and it would glow in when in front of the spotlight). Once a sneaker hit his guitar in the middle of one of the acoustic songs. This was weird because not only would the thrower have to walk to his car with one bare foot, but a few minutes before it happened Beck talked to the audience about how stuff such as shoes and other articles of clothing (implying underwear perhaps?) really shouldn't be thrown on the stage at people who have clothes already and if the people in the audience want to get rid of something they should donate it to charity so that people who don't have clothing can get it. I'm not sure, but Jacque mentioned about how a shoe was also thrown at Sonic Youth earlier and that that's why the topic came up in the first place. Maybe it was the same pair of shoes and the person wanted to get rid of the one remaining sneaker, I don't know. The moshers that particular day not only threw shoes and broke ducks (I'm still really sad about that, poor thing.) but they also broke each other. Now I'm not an expert on what went on down there because I was about 20 feet in the air above and in the bleachers and couldn't see anything except for the color of the hats and shirts and hair on the people, but I read in a review of the concert that people were hauled off with broken bones. Arthur Denton (the dentist patient played by Bill Murray from the musical of Little Shop of Horrors) would be both proud and envious. After the groove had left the location and the music came to a hault, the crowds flowed out of the stadium in a thick manner, and after the place had almost completly drained itself of people, our mini-crowd shuffled off giggling, humming, dancing the bunny hop even still, and blinking more than occasionally. The moms who attended the concert (this suprised me) kept talking about how much they liked the show, and the one who avoided attending by making herself elsewhere (Dr.Scully's mom) talked about how happy she was that she hadn't been there because she didn't like her daughter's Beck tape (Odelay). I think the car ride was filled with sleepy a cappella disco sing-alongs, but that's because most of my time with those wing-nuts is spent with a cappella disco sing-alongs. by Dr.Elizabeth "science fiction... double feature... picture show" Langstrom =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- How to Make Cheese Weasels By Dr. Iggy Spamsonite Hello! In this, my first article, I'd like to enlighten all you looneys out there how to make my crowning achievement: The Cheese-Weasel. All you need are average household items: some string, a live weasel, a can of Cheez Wiz (the pressurized kind), a railroad spike, and a gene splicer. 1. Using the string, tie the "cheese" to the weasel. NOTE: This will be easier if the weasel is unconcious. 2. Throw the cheese and the weasel into the gene splicer. 3. As you turn on the splicer, drop the spike onto the cheese. 4.Bake until firm. If done correctly, the can will explode as the splicer activates, thus melding the cheese with the weasel's DNA. The resulting creation should be a living weasel made entirely out of cheese; They make great pets while staying a high-fat snack! WARNING: Do NOT try this in the vicinity of an animal rights activist, or you will be lynched and used as a pinata by the neighborhood delinquants. Because I can, I'm plugging my new website! It's at: http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Boulevard/1552 Bye! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- How to be dead man by Dr.Dexter Poppinopolous Geez, if getting into purgatory was hard enough these days, now, thanks to some industrial revolutions, purgatory employee strikes, and a couple of world wars, becoming dead is a little bit harder... Let's start from the beginning. Alright first you gotta die, "Easy enough." you say. Well yes, as a matter a-fact it is. Kill yourself or let Dr. ? do a spanking good job and badda-bing badda-boom you're done! Here's where it gets tricky, we can take it in steps: 1) Purgatory Once in purgatory you'll have to navigate through the several million dead people that haven't been cleared and that's not so hard, until you meet up with the following people: Comet-tailers, you know the guys who committed suicide 'cuz life was being a bitch (pardon my language, but it's true); Mr.Ed. Now there's a place you will want to avoid by at least thirty miles because it can get a bit rough when Mr.Ed gets rowdy, and if you get jammed into a situation with him there's not much chance getting out!; Next one is Virgil. He is one heck of a son-of-a-monkey, look at what he got Dante into! Did Dante do anything to him? No! Why didn't Virgil have the decency to leave him alone? Dante was a nice guy, lovable, great writer,.... I could go on and on, but back to other news!; Napoleon Bonaparte, I admit, he can start something when he gets going but it's best to keep away!; Women's equal rights activists. You don't want to know. That's all I can think of now. 2) The paper work Once you get to Saint Peter's desk he will give a pen and some papers. Follow his instructions to the letter! Now what you are filling out is paperwork saying that heaven or hell will not be responsible for anything that breaks out in purgatory, you swear you won't whine if you don't go where you want to go, confirmation that you know that there will be milk available in hell, and strict union form policies. Easy yeah! 3) Going to a better place To keep this short, I'll say that basically it's just like how the inquisitor droid judged the crew of Red Dwarf, except there is no background crowd laughter and it's a bit more fun for those judging you. You'll see, I wouldn't want to spoil it. After judgment, you get to linger in purgatory until they send you a letter saying where you go, in the letter there's an "I'm sorry" card from one side, some coupons, and a card saying "Here you belong, use this to get in". Oh, one note, the mail goes as fast a U.S. first class postal services, so it could take a while. After you go whereever it's a complete surprise when you get there because both sides are what you imagined, I think... oh well there's plenty of time yet. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Evil Thoughts For Today: People, no matter who they are, have been naked before, and are naked on a regurlar basis, due to bathing or changing clothing or things that will just have to fit in the "other" category. Even Joe Don Baker, even Michael Jackson, even your great-great grandma and EVEN the entire cast of the show Full House (that show being one of the few things out there that actuallys scares me). All of em'. This can also be a very good fact, depending on who it relates to, if you know what I mean and I'm all but sure you do! Rrrrow! hehe :) =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- 101 Things to do with a bag of dead fish -------------------------- those who helped me *- submitted by Dr.Jadwiga Thorus **- submitted by anyone else ***- submitted by a crowd of people that included Jadwiga -------------------------- 1. Cook and eat them 2. Eat them raw (not recommended) 3. Weight down your hot air balloon with dead fish instead of boring old sandbags. 4. Freeze the fish and make a xylophone 5. Attach strings to the fish and make a bunch of marionettes. Put on a puppet show! 6. Give 'em out as party favors * 7. Use them as a doorstop * 8. Fishball! A sport for all ages. ** 9. Hollow them out and use them as Christmas stockings for the kiddies. 10. Make a time machine that runs on fish for fuel 11. Make neat hair clips! * 12. Three words: Chinese finger toy ** 13. Try the new party game "See how many fish you can fit in your mouth"! * 14. Build a bean-bag chair with fish instead of beans. You'd probably have to keep it frozen when it's not in use. 15. Try to teach the dead fish to yodel. Do it on the streets of some major city. Ask people that walk by for help, and if they refuse, hit them with the bag of dead fish. 16. Coat a hill with a layer of dead fish and go sledding. Maybe make a snowman. 17. Make earmuffs out of 'em 18. Start a juggling act 19. You can put 'em on your cereal instead of bananas * 20. Use 'em for bookmarks 21. Use the bag of fish for a teatherball 22. Hollow the fish out and make slippers 23. Use the bag of fish for an ice pack 24. Re-shingle the roof of a house 25. a. Paint sixteen fish red and sixteen fish black. Play checkers! b. Use T-shirts for squares and have sixty-four shirts with fish prints on them. 26. Microwave a dead fish and see if it explodes. 27. Use 'em for fertilizer 28. Use 'em for incense 29. Make a beehive wig out of 'em. 30. Put on a juggling act...... differently 31. Pretend you're that one muppet who always has a dead fish with him. I think he was one of the Flying Zucchini Brothers. 32. Use the fins to make false eyelashes 33. String 'em like beads and make a curtain 34. Glue 'em to the bottoms of your feet and skate/slide everywhere instead of walking 35. Make earrings 36. Write a poem on the side of every fish, then bring them with you on an airplane ride over a city and sprinkle fishy poetry unto the people. 37. Make a chandelier 38. Fill 'em with ink and use 'em for pens 39. Pile 'em up and make a footstool * 40. Hang a few up in your car to help preserve that new-car-at-the-marina smell. 41. Throw a raffle where everyone writes their name on a fish and puts 'em in a barrel. A fish will be pulled out and the person whose name is on it gets to keep all the fish. 42. Make a merry-go-round out of fish 43. Have a fish-toss at an elementary school instead of a bean-bag-toss 44. Fill the fish with dry beans and sell them as a new addition to the Beanie Babies' craze. 45. Fill a briefcase with fish and leave it on a random doorstop. Giggle and run away. 46. Make a business suit entirely out of fish. 47. Put each fish in a pretty little glass bottle and sell them to yuppies as an "ancient wrinkle reducing secret". 48. Fill a piñata with fish OR empty out a fish, fill it with candy and use it for the piñata 49. Use 'em for a trumpet mute 50. Fill 'em with citronella wax and a wick and use them for camping candles 51. Make boomerangs 52. Take 'em to a taxidermist (boo hiss!) and have each fish stuffed and mounted separately. Sell 'em to unsuccessful fisherfolk who don't' want to go home empty handed. 53. Forget the taxidermist (yay!) and sell 'em as is to unsuccessful fisherfolk who don't want to go home empty handed. 54. Find a mad scientist-type person and get him/her to bring the fish to life. Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of an army of zombie fish who do your bidding, so make a movie. 55. Ride on a subway, buss, or some similar kind of public transportation. Attach an array of fish to the inside of your jacket ahead of time. When on the subway/bus/whatever, elbow the occasional person at random and when they look up, say "Psst!" at him/her. When the person points to themselves, nod and motion for them to go over to you. Try to sell the fish like stolen watches. 56. Make a ladder out of fish 57. Attach toothpicks (one per person) to the fish so that they resemble swordfish or narwhals (the cold-water whales with the horn in front). Go somewhere with a dartboard and become a legend, baby. 58. Throw one in the back of an old man's car. A grumpy old man (thanks Hollywood!). 59. Give 'em to teething puppies 60. Put 'em in the spokes of your bicycle tires and get a neat-o "fwapita fwapita" sound when you ride. 61. Make a beret 62. Make a hangglider (get out yer rollin' pins, these fish got'sta be flat!) 63. Use a few to steady that wobbly chair or table! 64. Glue the fish all over the outside of your car and go for a drive. See how many strangers wave at you. 65. Two words: Chia Pet 66. Decorate the frames of your glasses with the shiniest fish scales. 67. Put a fish on a leash the next time you go to the local dog park. Drag the fish behind you and when people give you funny looks, explain "Fluffy's gotten a little out of shape." and shrug. 68. Make a picket fence 69. Hollow one out (you'll probably have to cut it's head off, so you should give it to a cat or seagull) and use it for an oven mitt. 70. Put a fish over your eyes when you sleep instead of using one of those eye masks. 71. Write medical information on the side of a fish and wear it like a dog tag. 72. Use a fish for an eraser. 73. Use 'em for earplugs 74. Use 'em for dentures 75. Stick 'em in those just-a-little-too-big shoes to make the shoes fit better. 76. Make organic leggos 77. Make a scale model of a town, then glue the fish to the sides of the buildings. Mail it to the mayor anonymously. 78. Sew or glue them onto your backpack or jacket instead of (or in addition to) keychains, patches and buttons. 79. Use the tails and fins as fringe to add a kitchy western flavor (rhinestones or metal studs help too) to any item of clothing! 80. Use a pile of 'em as a pillow 81. Learn to play the tuba. At a tuba recital, fill your tuba with the fish, and when you hit the right note the fish should fly out and land all over the audience. 82. Make a decorative coat hook or two * 83. Give 'em away to trick or treaters 84. Dissect them for science ** 85. Hollow 'em out and use 'em for a change purse *** 86. Wrap a fish around a drink that's to hot or too cold so you can hold it. 87. Stick some under the windshield wiper of an ex-friend. ** 88. Turn one into the bathroom pass for a classroom. 89. Make a watch 90. Replace someone's computer mouse with a fish. When the person looks confused or angry, pretend to also be confused and angry and discretely throw the mouse out the window. ** 91. Stick hooks in them and hang 'em on a Christmas tree. ** 92. Laminate a few fish and use 'em for tub toys. ** 93. Remove the skeleton from the fish (use the rest for a sandwich) and make a comb. 94. Caramel coat a few cooked fish and use them as towers on a wedding cake 95. Take a bunch of discarded, handle-less knives and a bolt and some other stuff and make a Swiss Army Fish Knife. Pretty cool and useful too! Be the first kid on your block to have one! The first kid on any block for that matter. 96. Make a dreadlock-shaped wig 97. Take fifty two fish, write on them a little and play cards. Not "go fish". 98. Make a zipper-toggle 99. Make a kite out of fish, but use regular kite string because fish-made-string won't work. 100. TEABAG! 101. Throw them away. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- EXTRA! EXTRA! Membership cards and a logo were finally made! Get yours now! At the end of this letter there are two neat-o, super-groovy JPEG immages. The one that only says "Deep 6" on it is our new logo, so you can put it where ever you want to, as a decoration. This could be on a web site or printed out and stuck in or on a notebook cover, or stuck on a backpack, or dipped in metal and used to pick locks. Whatever you use it for is fine because it's your personal copy of it, but I'd appreciate it if it wasn't changed because I spent a few hours on it. Ok? Ok. Enough time used up on that. :) The second picture, that says "The OFFICIAL card for card-carrying members of THE LEAGUE OF MAD SCIENTISTS ----- sign your name here.... http://you_get_the_point.com" is to be printed out, decorated a little if you want, signed (on the little line), coated in some kind of clear plastic (clear contact paper works impeccably if you happen to have it on hand) and kept with you in your wallet or wall-safe next to the Bird-calling and Mapo Club cards, or driver's licence if you have one of those or whatever you have in your membership-and/or-id-card section of whatever it is you have the section in. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- That's all for this edition! Again, I'd like to remind everybody that writing an article or a column would be EXTREMELY APPRECIATED for the following reasons: 1. I'm lazy and don't want to have to write all that many different things for it myself. 2. This way League members will be more in touch with the each other so that it's more like a conspiracy saturated secret organization and less like a poorly thrown dance where everybody just sits there looking at the wax on their paper punch cups. 3. It's one of the only places where you can write the word "spork" over and over and call it publishable. http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Vault/4388 The League of Mad Scientists