Hello League! This is the very second edition of the League of Mad Scientist's newsletter from the desk in Deep 6 it's........... The E-Zine of Evil!!! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= +INDEX +Introduction ("So NOW you write to me, eh?") +Page Info (what's new) +A Tale Too Long (my faboo story from summer school English that I force everybody to read) +Dexter's really odd story (read at your own risk, I wasn't such a good editor this time) ;) +A simply BEAUTIFUL sentiment by Dr.Eudora Scully +A once-in-a-lifetime offer for the greatest sounds of the 80's! (an ad that I hope to brainwash people with someday like most pointless cd infomercials do) +Evil Thoughts For Today =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= Introduction: "So NOW you write to me, eh?" I'm happy at the number of responses I've had to the first edition of the E-Zine of Evil, and as for the negative ones, well I'm going to pretend that the whole "nuclear bomb scare" didn't even happen. So without further ado, here's the zine! Dr.Elizabeth "Audrey II" Langstrom ps: I've been busy with summer school so I'd like to take this moment to appologise to anyone who cares how late this is and anyone who wanted to be mentioned in here who I might've lost track of the letter from. pss: This edition has two whole stories in it! Wow! psss: If you spell the word "wow" backwards, it doesn't change letters. Weird, huh? =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Page info: What's New? Page hasn't changed much since the last edition, but the League itself has. We now have out 15th member: The Rogue Scholar And Dr.Bobbo D. Clown moved from Washington State to Texas, and he no longer has e-mail but can be snail-mailed through me if people really want to talk to him. We haven't had any new word-of-the-weeks because I've been lazy and because Tv's Bean and Dr.Eudora Scully both have left the state for a road trip together, along with a few normals who won't even be mentioned. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Tale Too Long (a story of really wanting a snack and of madness) Hello, my name is,......well my name really isn't that important. At least, not to this story. Not that it wouldn't help or anything, but honestly I don't want anyone to know who I am. The important part for people to know is that I exist at all. Not many people believe. So I'm writing my story so that people will know the truth. It all started five years, two monthes, eight days and twenty five seconds..twenty six seconds..twenty seven seconds..aw hell, a few seconds ago. I was sitting in my city apartment on the fourth floor, watching rented movies and drinking soda from it's can when I realized that the picture just wasn't complete without popcorn. So I stood up off of my too-comfortable-to-leave-for-very-long couch and I walked sleepily to the kitchen (the last movie had been more of a narcotic than entertainment) for some popcorn. I swung open the door to the shelf where I keep my bags of microwave popcorn, my stomach starting to growl angrily at the last time I'd eaten something (I'd skipped lunch so that I could watch Jaws II. Oooh, BIG mistake.). The shelf had cocoa powder, canned speghetti, some weird green noodles that I just couldn't remember at all, and just one package of microwave popcorn! Eyes wide and feeling almost religious, I picked up the flat paper bag and put it in the little black food warmer of fate. I set the dial to two minutes as per directions on the side of the bag. I followed those little directions like they were going to cause world peace or something (popcorn for peace? not a bad idea, but it'll have to be for another story). I did everything I was supposed to. EVERYTHING! There was no reason why the popcorn didn't pop right. I thought it must've not wanted to pop. I thought a lot of things, but none of them could help the little smoking black charred mess of paper bag and blackened kernels. I felt like I'd just seen my mom fall off the edge of a ferry boat. Not sure whether to scream or cry, I did both at the same time. Gibbering helplessly I dragged my sorry-ass excuse for a self into the bathroom to splash water on my face to try and snap out of it. I stood there leaning on the countertop, I filled up a paper cup from the oh-so-nifty paper cup dispenser, I poured it all over my head. As if by magic, my brain got out of it's weird little rut and started being nice and logical again. And along with this new-found sense of sanity, I also recieved a wonderful, shining, golden ray of hope. I COULD BUY ALL THE POPCORN I WANTED AT THE STORE!!!!! An ear-to-ear grin spread under my nose like butter on warm toast as I stood up with all the confidence a person could stand up with and strutted to my car keys. It was a rather cold day, so when I turned the key the first time it just went "puh-puh-puh" like a really old person trying to laugh. I turned the key a second time and still had no luck. I turned the key a third time and clouds of panic floated into my ears, though I fought them off and won by a fingernail's worth of effort to spare. "I'll simply walk there. No problem" I told myself, but still I wasn't exactally a pillar of good cheer. More like a kernel of good cheer. BUT KERNELS ARE FILLED WITH POPCORN AND I'M NOT!!!!!! Though if there was any justice in this mad old world I would be. Nice fake-buttery, warm, fluffy, crunchy popcorn. I had to stop thinking that way or I'd go mad if I hadn't already. Just think of walking to the store (TO GET POPCORN!!!!!!) to get some gum, a soda, and maybe a box of those little red-and-white-and-yellow bags of microwaveable popcorn....IF I feel like it. I might not. Walking through a winterwonderland, thinking about many things that most people just don't bother to think, I finally see the magical, wonderful, popcorn-prison store. Why do they keep the popcorn locked up? Why do they repress it? I tried not to think at all, but I couldn't. I tried to think about this as being a casual occurance, buying popcorn being a casual thing and all. I tried to think of the nice "crunch-crunch" of my snow-squishing feet in their snow-squishing boots and about how pretty and white the snow was. But popcorn is also a pretty color of white and popcorn also goes "crunch-crunch". No matter, the automatic doors to the gas station swung open to invite me inside, into the warm air paradise of snack food. I non-chalantly waved and smiled to the cashier, I non-chalantly walked over to the isle where the prepare-em'-at-home foods were, I non-chalantly picked up a little bag of popcorn and walked to the microwave. Although I'm not completly sure, I think the cashier told me to stop and to pay for it first, but I pretended not to hear him. I hummed loudly as a cover-up, as if to prove that I couldn't hear anything at all so anything I ignore isn't my fault. The cashier called the cops, or at least threatened to, but I payed no mind. I was the good guy. I was doing no wrong. I was just finally, at long last getting to eat some popcorn. For a brief second a little voice in my head (probobally my concience) said that this was madness and that I SHOULD pay for the popcorn before I eat it. This little voice lasted only a few seconds before it was swallowed up by the frenzy of popcorn madness (so what if the voice was right? I probobally WAS mad for all I knew!). Poor little thing was probobally trampled to death. The cashier screamed at me, maybe for the second maybe for the millionth time about how I had to pay for it or he'll call the cops. Still the shielding shell of madness (I was starting to realize that it was probobally madness, but I didn't care. I just made note of it so that I could care later.) kept his voice from meaning anything. DING! The microwave announced that it had done it's job. DING! Time seemed to have frozen. DING! The universe could do no wrong, halleluya the popcorn was warm! I pushed the "open" button, my eyes closed and my hand held out to catch the door when it swings open. Nothing happened. I opened one eye slowly, like a little kid peeking at a game of hide-and-go-seek. The door was still closed. The DOOR WAS STILL CLOSED! THE DOOR WAS STILL CLOSED!??!!?!??!?! It must've been a mistake. I must've pressed the wrong button. I stared intensly at the black, shiny, raised button with the word "open" printed on it in plain, dull (almost disturbingly unceremoniously dull) white letters. A little broken-spring noise spoinged, but the door cemented in place. I turned to the cashier. I saw him call the cops. I saw his name was on his name tag. I saw him walk over to me in slow motion and say in a slow motion voice "I've called the cops on account of your disturbance to the peace. Give me the popcorn." and I saw his hand reach out and pull open the jammed microwave door. I saw his hand pull out the popcorn bag, all puffy and smelling warm. "But I need that." I said in a strange voice that didn't sound like me. "Sorry, you only get what you pay for." He said, holding the bag just above my reach. "But I NEED THAT. And I HAVE money." "Sorry, you have to pay for it BEFORE you eat it." "Please" I wiped away the tears from my warm, stinging eyes before they ran down my cheeks "Please, I have money. I don't know what I'll do to get that. I need that bag." "Nope. Pay first." Going from pleading to threatening in two seconds flat I grinned an insane grin and calmly walked up to him. I stared directly into his eyes and he was forced to look away (the penlight that was also staring directly into his eyes had absolutely NOTHING to do with it, no sir). I spun around in a fast circle, my leg sticking out. I kicked the back of his knees and sent him falling to the ground. In his suprise he dropped the bag and I lunged for it. Then, with borrowed time I ran over to the far side of the room and sat down in the middle of stacks of glass bottles. Now angry, the cashier stood up and ran at me and I gave him a pretty (though still mad as a hatter) grin and I hit him directly on his head with unopened wine bottles from each hand. Blood spilled on the floor and mixed with the red wine like some beautiful sandscape or a lava lamp. But more importantly, the popcorn bag stayed unharmed and holy. I ripped open the paper like a little kid at Christmas and I stuffed fistfulls of popcorn into my mouth. Thirsty, I grabbed a bottle of the most expensive soda and drank it. I ate and drank and ate and drank and ate and drank until I felt like I was going to pop. I was in short-lived heaven. Like all good things, this moment came to an end when the police burst in (having had all their megaphone-blasted ultamadims fall to deaf ears) with guns and straightjackets. I didn't care. I had my popcorn so I had everything. They held their guns at me and I didn't care. They put me in a straightjacket and I didn't care. It was actually rather cozy to be perfectly honest. And so my adventure ends happily. I got the popcorn and the loony bin got me. I now live in a padded room with padded furniture and padded walls and padded floors and everything's fine. I've overheard that I'll be let out next week for good behaviour. Boy is that ever good news! I've been completly normal since that day and don't really belong here. Besides, now I'd really like some Pringles. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Dexter's really odd story *Read At Your Own Risk, I Did A BAD Job At Editing!!!* Dexter So, you're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz, huh? Trying to see if he'll use his "magic" to get you home? You find yourself in the middle of a town of midgets who are obsessed with the fact that you got lucky. How prosaic. So the mayor gives you advice on what to do, and all you want is to go home and have a cappuccino (the midget town doesn't even have those!?!). So you're off, following a painted road and you're wondering, "Who does maintenance 'round here? The bricks are falling apart, the paint is now orange, and worst of the pot holes are all moldy and orange so you can't tell where you're stepping." Whoops! There you go again. As you move along you come across a cornfield in the crappiest condition ever: weeds, insects, and this annoying scare crow that looks like a cheap prop for a movie,............ hmmm. "BOO!!" It jumps out in a feeble attempt to scare you, but you move aside and keep on going. You see these characteristics in it: no regard for self-preservation, little in the way of ethics, and the worst dresser this side of the orange road. So, you keep on going with this dumb-ass scarecrow following you, and you're allergic to straw. It seems that tot keeps peeing on him, you're proud. Next comes a horny, timid lion that looks like he's been drooling in front of a Cindy Crawford workout tape one too many times (I won't even get into that!). He roars in to the night while you try and sleep, so finally get him to shut up by using the scarecrow as a weapon and whacking the lights out of him! After he cries like a big wuss, causing you to feel guilty for the oddest reason, so he joins you sensing he can get some if he's lucky! as you travel down the weather-worn yellow road there seems to be a genocidal, xenophobic tin-man (and/or woman, I'm using man for the sake of convenience) with a big axe. the tin-man attacks you're travel-worn party with such ferocity that he'd fit right in an L. A. street gang. the lion sneezes and that miraculously rusts him up. so as you gloat the brain-dead scarecrow tries to see what happens if he puts oil on the tin-man. ho-ho, guess! oh, I'll tell you, after severely hurting the lion he promises to spare the scarecrow's life and go with, or else! reluctantly, you give in hoping that he doesn't get any ideas with that axe of his. you drag the lion by his tail and come across a field that spreads sleeping pollen. lion, you, and the dumb mutt sleep into a dose as the other inorganic guys drag you along. lucky the lion went to sleep to, because if he didn't he might want to take advantage of the situation... i won't go into a great heap of details into a big pile of barf. finally you get a make-over by some transvestite beauticians and see the wonderful wizard and you're filled with disgust as you hear background music sounding like this "we're off to see the wizard, blah blah blah blah blah blah!" before is a projection of Grandpa Simpson looking tough, he he. he asks you why you've come and you answer greedily. the wizard then says " you each must answer a question then." you all answer "o. k." the scarecrow is first up Wizard: "What is the square root of an isosceles triangle?" Scarecrow: "The amount of times that you've scored!" Wizard: "Hmmm, close!" and so he launches the scarecrow away. Wizard (to tin-man): "what's your favorite color?" Tin-man: "blue" Wizard: "you may pass, take what you wish after i finish with the others." Suddenly, the air is filled with straw. "Well, that's taken care of. Lion, what's your favorite color?" Lion: "blue, i mean pink! aaaaiiiiieeeee!!!!" And the wizard appears to have a new fur coat. "Dorothy," asks wizard, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?" Dorothy: "I, I, don't know." Wizard: "oh, darn. Fine then go home." And he sent her back to good old Kansas where she spent her life as a raving lunatic for the rest of her days. =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A Simply BEAUTIFUL Sentiment By Dr.Eudora Scully: spork, spork, spork, spork,spork! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- A once-in-a-lifetime offer for the greatest sounds of the 80's! (an ad that I hope to brainwash people with someday like most pointless cd infomercials do): The peppy people say this while the titles and song clips scroll by: "It's the BEST mix of the 80's hits you've been missing! "Love is a battlefield" by Pat Bennatar. "Who can it be now?" by that blond guy with the really funny hair. "She's a Man Eater" by that blond guy with the really funny hair. "Ghostbusters" by that guy that sang the Ghostbusters theme song. And even some previously unreleased songs like: "I keep running from your parents" by Harvey and the Tookietown Gang "Eeeerrrrr." by Totoro "Her Teeth Are Sharp" by Taylor Mernie "Sneaker Speaker Boogie Night" by The Dice "I Keep My Phone Off the Hook At Night" by Debbie Flash-ning "I keep thinking about your cheekbones" by TriangleMan "Disco's Dead" by R U Funky "You Make Me Die" by Electric Teardrops "Denim, Sneakers, and Sunglasses" by Casey and Herself "Runaway Hurricane" by Sure Thing So if you want to be the coolest dude on your block to remember the rockin'est tunes ever made, ORDER NOW! 1-800-BITE-ME or send check or money order to: Yeah Right Inc. 1234 Sesamie Street Stateless Country 897541" =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- The Evil Thoughts For Today: Bob Saget (that guy from America's Funniest Home Videos) has a wife and kids! Don't picture it, PLEASE! -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- That's all for this edition! Again, I'd like to remind everybody that writing an article or a column would be EXTREMELY APPRECIATED for the following reasons: 1. I'm lazy and don't want to have to write all that many different things for it myself. 2. This way League members will be more in touch with the each other so that it's more like a conspiracy saturated secret organization and less like a poorly thrown dance where everybody just sits there looking at the wax on their paper punch cups. 3. It's one of the only places where you can write the word "spork" over and over and call it publishable.