Useless B5 History
July-December
The bombardment of New Earth.
Just prior to the sun's going nova, the last human on Earth fled through the jumpgate on his way to New Earth--leaving behind millions of plants and animals, who were just a tad pissed-off about the whole thing. An elite squadron of pigeons, having evolved the ability to survive in the vaccuum of space, followed the human through the jumpgate to New Earth--and took their vengeance by initiating bombing runs on the planet and people, turning it into a runny white wonderland.
July 23, 1270
The redesigning of Z'ha'dum.
After losing the last Shadow War, the Shadows returned in dismay to Z'ha'dum. In an effort to boost their spirits, one perky little Shadow suggested they go on a redesigning spree, and for the next several years, the cities of Z'ha'dum were draped in colorful bunting and polka dot wallpaper. The crowning achievement of this movement was the installation of a skylight, to "open the place up a bit". This despite the fact that the Shadows went underground for security reasons; but as the perky little Shadow often said, "What are the odds that somebody's ship is gonna come crashing through there? Huh?"
July 26, 2257
The formation of Nightwatch.
Nightwatch began life as the militant wing of the Girl Scouts, its members constantly urging customers to buy cookies from them because it was "in the best interests of Earth". Those who refused were tortured or killed. President Clark so admired their spunk--and their cookies--that he enlisted their aid and expanded their powers greatly.
August 5, 2259
The mystery of Grey Sector revealed.
For years, people had been reporting mysterious sights and sounds in the Grey Sector of Babylon 5. The mystery remained unsolved until the arrival of a talking great dane and some snoopin' kids, who revealed that the culprit was none other than Old Man Withers, trying to keep people away while he looked for some stolen treasure.
August 16, 2240
The mangling of Bester's hand.
One night, after getting completely wasted at a bar on Proxima, Bester bet another drinker twenty dollars that he, Bester, could stuff his entire hand inside a beer bottle. He won the bet, but could never wash the smell of Bud Lite off his hand, and so had to keep it covered with a glove at all times thereafter.
August 19, 2254
Recovery of the S.S. Gordita.
The Agamemnon, under the command of John Sheridan, found an ancient spacecraft drifting aimlessly near the borders of Centauri space. Onboard this ship--marked as the S.S. Gordita--Sheridan discovered a beret-wearing chihuahua and several dozen humans, all in suspended animation. It was later learned that the chihuahua had once ruled over much of North America during the Franchise Wars of the late 1990s. The chihuahua and his followers, after being thawed out, tried to take over the Agamemnon, but were thwarted by Sheridan and exiled to the planet Ceti Alpha 5, where they presumably remain.
September 8, 2253
Lochley gained the title of Supreme Infomercial Gladiator.
Much like the Mutai competition, the Infomercial Gladiatorial Contest was a violent competition among members of various species, utitlizing various infomercial products as weaponry. The favorites going into the 2253 competition were a Bowflex-wielding Centauri and a British man armed with an arsenal of non-stick cookware. But Elizabeth Lochley stunned audiences by taking the title, simultaneously wielding both the AbSculptor and Thighmaster with deadly efficiency. She retained the title for the next ten years.
September 13, 2190
The bombing of San Diego.
Joan Embry, director of the San Diego Zoo and frequent talk-show guest, had, through unknown methods, extended her life far beyond the normal human lifespan. The years, however, eroded her mind, and she soon began to hatch a plan for world conquest. She engineered an army of cute, cuddly baby animals that would spontaneously urinate upon anyone who picked them up; and while everyone was occupied with cleaning themselves off, Embry would seize control of the world. To prevent such a horror, San Diego was immediately nuked. Rumors persist that the Psi Corps may have had a hand in warping Embry's mind, and that they rescued some of those experimental animals from the ruins; but these rumors have never been confirmed.
September 20, 2253
A strange discovery on Mars.
Mere days after a Shadow vessel was discovered buried in the Martian soil, excavators in the area made another unusual discovery. Only a hundred yards away from the Shadow vessel, they found a small object with the curious label of "Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator". The origin of this device has never accurately been determined, and its purpose remains unknown.
October 7, 2244
The divorce of John Sheridan and Elizabeth Lochley.
After a rather stressful marriage, young Sheridan and Lochley decided to go their separate ways. Rather than take the traditional divorce route, they decided to finalize their divorce--and their property divisions--by going on the popular television program, "Judge Judy...Jetson". Despite Lochley's eloquent pleas, Judge Jetson ruled in favor of Sheridan, awarding him everything, because, in Judge Jetson's own words, "He's so dreeeeeeamy!"
October 11, 2246
Professors Mack and Bo are kicked out of Oxford.
Two of the most brilliant theoretical minds of the age, Mack and Bo were drummed out of Oxford on trumped-up charges manufactured by a jealous rival. Blacklisted by every scientific organization, they eventually wound up on Babylon 5, working in a janitorial capacity, hoping for the day when President Sheridan will call upon their unrivalled intellects to save the day.
October 15, 2251
The invention of extreme airlocking.
Cadet Susan Ivanova, stationed aboard the destroyer Hillary's Revenge, was bored one evening, and concocted a new pastime for her and her crewmates. Donning spacesuits, she and several of her cohorts went to individual airlocks in the rotating section of the ship and anchored themselves in place with long cords. They then exited the airlocks and space-walked as far as the cords would allow. Another cadet, stationed on the bridge, would then increase the rotation speed of that section of the ship to insane levels, whipping Ivanova and the others around and around at incredible velocity. Though Earthforce officially discourages this practice, several high-ranking officers have been heard to comment, off the record, that it's a "wicked rush".
October 22, 3062
The Rangers return to Earth.
Several centuries after the Great Burn--the devastating war that decimated the civilizations of Earth--the Rangers returned to Earth to help humanity rebuild. To their shock and dismay, when they arrived they discovered that the planet was now ruled by a race of "damn, dirty apes" that had enslaved humans. The war between Rangers and Apes was long and bloody, but eventually the Apes were defeated--although a sizable number of them did manage to capture several White Stars and flee into space. Their current whereabouts are unknown.
November 4, 5600 B.C.
The Pak'ma'ra adopt their carrion-eating ways.
Before the Pak'ma'ra became famed for eating anything dead and rotting, they were actually vegetarians. This changed when a shuttle carrying the Pak'ma'ra soccer team crash-landed in the mountains of their homeworld. The few survivors, desperate for food, began to devour the corpses of their dead teammates, and a cultural phenomenon was born...
November 15, 1,500,000 B.C.
The Shadows gain their ten thousand letter name.
Though it *sounds* impressive to have such a long name, this is actually due to a typographical error. A member of Lorien's species, after a long night of cataloging the various new species, began to enter the data on the Shadows and fell asleep, slumping over the keyboard. Upon awakening, he discovered that he'd inadvertently entered a long stream of gibberish. Too lazy to correct it, he let the name stand, and offered a huge reward to anyone who could pronounce it. No one has yet claimed the prize.
November 26, 2160
The formation of the Psi Brigade.
The precursor to the Psi Corps, the Psi Brigade sought to draw telepaths to their cause with the catch-phrase "The Brigade is mother. The Brigade is father. The Brigade is the smelly uncle who always wants you to pull his finger." Strangely, this tactic wasn't very popular, and the Brigade collapsed.
December 7, 2180
The ascension of House Mollari.
House Mollari was a struggling, poor family until the patriarch of the House, Grondo Mollari, stopped at the drive-thru window of McBari's. He accidently spilled some scalding hot brevari in his lap, sued the company for a fortune, and catapaulted his family into high society.
December 18, 2252
The arrest of Vir Cotto.
Authorities on Centauri Prime succeeded in breaking the largest prostitution ring in the planet's history. Under the threat of a prison sentence, many of the prostitutes were more than willing to lead authorities to their pimp, "Big Daddy" Vir. Vir was able to wrangle his way out of a conviction when he revealed videotapes involving dozens of high-ranking Centauri and Vir's own women, as well as several barnyard animals and an assortment of kitchen utensils. Vir later turned his hand to politics, but the folk on the streets of Centauri Prime still mutter uncomfortably when "Big Daddy" Vir comes back to town.
Return To Useless B5 History Menu
The Rabid Bantha Bar and Grille
© 1997 really_big_evil@hotmail.com
Get your own Free Home Page