Homer Simpson
Three Bald Guys Review
Star Wars: The Special Edition
With special guest reviewer:
Homer Simpson
(Theme music plays, and the lights rise to show PICARD and TEAL'C sitting in their
usual seats on the balcony; GARIBALDI's seat, however, is now filled by HOMER.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1"
HOMER: And I'm Homer J. Simpson. (he stares at TEAL'C's forehead) Hey, what's that gold thing stuck to your forehead?
TEAL'C: None of your concern.
HOMER: (poking at the emblem on TEAL'C's forehead). C'mon, what is it? Huh? It's funny looking. Hee hee!
TEAL'C: (annoyed) It's a Hynuvian Death Pod that inflicts a hideous, wasting disease on anyone who pokes it too often.
HOMER: D'oh!
PICARD: (rolling his eyes) Homer here is sitting in for Michael Garibaldi. It seems Michael had to see someone about a "Crusade" or something....At any rate, today we'll be reviewing "Star Wars: The Special Edition", a rerelease of the 1977 classic with enhanced special effects, new scenes and all sorts of little bells and whistles.
HOMER: Hey, I didn't see any bells and whistles! I saw a bunch of spaceships and stuff, but--
PICARD: It's just an expression, Homer. The plot concerns the efforts of...well, if you don't already know the plot of "Star Wars", I don't even want to be talking to you. No, I'm serious. Turn off the television, and go crawl back into that cave you've been living in for the past twenty-some years, you TWISTED FREAK!!!!
TEAL'C: Picard, you said you were working on that anger management problem.
PICARD: (sighing) I know, I know. It's just that..."Insurrection" was supposed to be the one that made me bigger than Schwarzenegger, bigger than Harrison Ford...
HOMER: You know what helps me manage my anger? Strangling my ten-year-old boy.
(PICARD and TEAL'C stare at HOMER)
HOMER: (staring back innocently) What?
PICARD: Well, before the Child Welfare forces storm the theater, let's get the review out of the way, eh? Everybody knows--or SHOULD know--the story here: Farmboy Luke Skywalker gets swept up into events of galactic import, rescuing princesses, yadda, yadda, yadda. One of the major concerns, however, with the Special Edition release was how well the new scenes and effects fit into the existing film. Did they help? Did they hinder? For the most part, personally, I liked the additions. Scenes of the Falcon rising up from Mos Eisley, the "expansion" of Mos Eisley itself, new battle effects over the Death Star--they may not have been "necessary" per se, but they were pretty snazzy to watch, nonetheless. The Han/Jabba scene was interesting, and the Boba Fett cult was mollified by the bounty hunter's cameo in that scene.
HOMER: (snorting) Boba Fett's a wuss.
TEAL'C: You've got that right.
PICARD: And let's not forget that scene with Han chasing the stormtroopers, and finding himself facing a whole docking bay full of them. That one was "laugh out loud" funny.
HOMER: Yeah, but the funniest scene was when Ben got killed by Vader. Hee hee! He died! Ha!
PICARD: (raising an eyebrow) As you say. Of course, there's one notable addition to the film that falls very short of excellence. I'm speaking, of course, about the infamous "Greedo shoots first" scene...
HOMER: Oh, no kidding! Even Flanders wouldn't come up with something that weak!
PICARD: For once, you're making sense. We haven't seen a misfire this bad since "The Star Wars Holiday Special".
TEAL'C: Of course, the best special effects are pointless without good story and characters. And we've got both in abundance here: from heroic Luke and Han to feisty Artoo and the others... and I must say that it's good to see a strong female character, in the form of Princess Leia, playing an important role.
HOMER: Yeah! And she looked so cute with that hairstyle. Like big cinammon rolls on the side of her head. (his eyes glaze) Mmmmmmm, cinammon rolls...(his head tips back and he starts to drool.)
TEAL'C: (looking askance at HOMER) Yes. Quite.
PICARD: (looking into the camera) Well, all in all, I give the *original* version of "Star Wars"--I will *never* get into the habit of calling it "A New Hope"--five out of five stars. And I think the Special Edition deserves the same as well. Overall, you won't go wrong with this one. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I can only give it four stars, since some of the new effects seemed a bit distracting to me. Still a great film, though. Homer?
(HOMER is still drooling, oblivious to the world. PICARD and TEAL'C exchange exasperated glances, and PICARD shakes his head.)
PICARD: Well, until next time, I'm Jean Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
PICARD: (scowling at HOMER and muttering under his breath as the lights go down) Who the hell booked that loser...?
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