Three Bald Guys Review
Dune
(Theme music plays, and the lights rise on the theater balcony. GARIBALDI, PICARD
and TEAL'C are in their usual seats.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review..." I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: Today we'll be taking a look at the film "Dune".
TEAL'C: A question, Garibaldi...Are we reviewing the two-hour version, or the four-hour version? I have only seen the two-hour version...
PICARD: I've seen the four-hour version. And I've heard their might actually be a six-hour cut somewhere.
GARIBALDI: (sniffs disdainfully) That's nothing. I saw the NINETEEN-hour version of the film.
TEAL'C: Indeed? What's that like?
GARIBALDI: You get to see a lot more sand...And there's this three-hour sandworm mating dance sequence in there that'll just knock your socks off...
PICARD: I think we're getting off the track here. The basic story's the same in all the versions, so let's get on with the review, eh?
GARIBALDI: Right, then. The film stars Kyle MacLachlan of "Twin Peaks" fame as Paul Atreides, son of the Duke Leto Atreides and the Bene Gesserit woman Jessica. The Atreides family is sent by the Emperor to take over command of the planet Arrakis--a desert world that is the source of "spice"--the substance that allows certain individuals to "fold" space, allowing for rapid travel across the galaxy. Of course, the individual in question seems to have been warped into a big weird slug thing by the spice...
TEAL'C: Not a good trade-off, in my opinion.
GARIBALDI: No kidding. Anyway, the Atreides are sent to Arrakis to take over the mining operations from the Harkonnen--their bitter enemies. The Harkonnens--portrayed by Sting and couple of fat slobbering guys--are notable mainly for their evil intentions and their orange-red hair.
TEAL'C: Apparently indicating that the Harkonnen are Irish.
PICARD: (shaking his head) Damn "Riverdance"... I knew it'd lead to nothing but evil...
GARIBALDI: What Paul and his family don't know, however, is that the Emperor plans to aid the Harkonnen in eradicating the Atreides, so that their annoying little feud might be ended. Most of the Atreides and their retainers are wiped out, and Paul and his mother eventually hook up with the natives of Arrakis--the Fremen. There Paul discovers his destiny, as-- driven on by dreams of weird little midgets--no, wait, wrong show... Anyway, he leads the Fremen in revolt against the forces of the Emperor and the Harkonnen, discovering new powers and strength within himself in the process.
PICARD: That's putting it mildly...We haven't seen a spiritual awakening this deep and moving since that episode of "Scooby Doo" where Scooby discovers his inner warrior, frees himself from the shackles of oppression and kills Fred and Velma...
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C stare at him)
TEAL'C: I do not remember that episode, Picard.
GARIBALDI: Yeah, me neither.
PICARD: Not surprising. It was banned from broadcast in the U.S. Only certain outlying districts of Botswana were able to view it.
(GARIBALDI and TEAL'C continue to stare at PICARD in disbelief. PICARD stares back.)
PICARD: Well, what did YOU think happened to Fred and Velma? They just disappeared from that show...
GARIBALDI: (pauses a moment, then smiles into the camera) Well, then! Back to "Dune"... Overall, folks, I liked this film. It drags a bit here and there, but it'll pass some time for you.
PICARD: Not exactly a stellar review there, Michael. I can't rate this one very highly, either. Not that good, but not that bad. Middle-of-the-road sci-fi from David Lynch--or "Alan Smithee", depending on which version you see...
TEAL'C: I cannot say much for this one, either. The sandworm sequences were interesting, and I enjoyed the music. The baldness quotient on this one is rather good as well. Especially with those Bene Gesserit women...
GARIBALDI: And as we always say on "Three Bald Guys Review..."...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) You can't go wrong with a bald...uh...person!
TEAL'C: Speaking of baldness in the film, I have to ask...(turns to PICARD) the actor portraying Gurney, Paul's teacher, bore an amazing resemblence to you, Picard. Do you wish to explain?
GARIBALDI: Yeah, J.L. You been moonlighting, or something? (he mimics a line of dialogue from the film): "Atomics!"
PICARD: (shaking his head) It wasn't me.
TEAL'C: Then who was it?
PICARD: (fidgets a bit) It was my...twin brother.
GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) Twin brother?
PICARD: Indeed. He was disowned years ago after a certain...incident. We don't like to discuss it outside the family.
GARIBALDI: Hey, J.L., we're all family here on "3BG". Am I right? Back me up, here, Teal'c.
TEAL'C: (nodding) He is correct. Tell us, Picard. What did this twin of yours do that was so terrible?
PICARD: (sighs) All I can say it that it involved a goat, a pair of latex gloves and a gallon of chocolate ice cream. Don't ask me any more than that...
GARIBALDI: (with a naseous expression) I don't think I want to ask more...(turns to the camera, still queasy-looking) Folks, I give "Dune" two stars out of five. If you're looking for a film to pass the time and nothing more, this'll do you just fine. J.L.?
PICARD: I give it two and a half stars. I enjoyed the cinematography, but don't look for any Oscar caliber performances here. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I also give it only two stars. Harmless eye candy.
GARIBALDI: (smiling into the camera) And that does it for this edition of "Three Bald Guys Review..." Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
(As the lights begin to fade, Garibaldi turns to Picard)
GARIBALDI: (muttering disbelievingly) Chocolate ice cream?
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