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Three Bald Guys Review
Transformers: The Movie
(Theme music fades, lights rise to reveal PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at that paragon of 1980's animation, "Transformers: The Movie", based on the television series of the same name.
GARIBALDI: Yes, back in the days when you only needed to sell toys in a cartoon, rather than tell a decent story.
TEAL'C: (pointing angrily at GARIBALDI) You take that back! The Transformers are more than meets the eye!
GARIBALDI: Uh...if you say so.
TEAL'C: And the Dinobots were awesome.
PICARD: (to the camera) You must understand, folks, that Teal'c did not have this kind of animation growing up on his home planet, Chulak. What was it your people did for entertainment, again, Teal'c?
TEAL'C: We performed ritualistic fasting and self-mutilation to prepare ourselves for service to our false gods.
GARIBALDI: Well...sounds like a party. Anyway, the story of "Transformers: The Movie" involves the perpetual battle between the heroic Autobots and evil Decepticons, who can transform from robots into various vehicles and items and...stuff. When the Decepticons lauch a sneak attack on the Autobots' base on Earth, the Autobots are left reeling. Hunted, they flee across the galaxy, encountering new allies and enemies. Chief among these enemies is Unicron, a planet-sized Transformer that devours entire worlds.
PICARD: We haven't seen an appetite like that since Jabba and Shatner faced off in the pancake eating contest of '84.
GARIBALDI: At any rate, the Autobots, unbeknownst to themselves, actually possess the one item that can destroy Unicron: the Autobot mantle of leadership, which is called...get ready...The Matrix. Yep, over a decade before Keanu Reeves was dodging bullets in that obscure little art-house film of the same name, we had the REAL Matrix.
TEAL'C: And it rocked.
PICARD: But hey, why don't I just show you folks at home...? I've got some clips with me...
(PICARD pulls out his remote control. GARIBALDI reaches over to try and slap it out of his hands.)
GARIBALDI: Put that thing away! Are you crazy? Remember what happened last time you tried to use that thing? Poor Teal'c here got whacked on the head and thought he was a rock star.
TEAL'C: Yes...What I had to endure because of you, Picard...the money, the fame, the groupies...(he smiles suddenly) Do it again!
(PICARD pushes a button, and suddenly the picture goes into widescreen, "letterbox" format--revealing an extra balcony seat to the far right side of the screen. A bald, overweight man in jeans and a tee shirt is occupying the seat, holding a tub of popcorn in his lap. He raises a hand in greeting.)
MAN: Hey.
GARIBALDI: Who the hell are you?
MAN: I'm Bob.
TEAL'C: Bob?
(BOB nods. TEAL'C, GARIBALDI and PICARD exchange a glance.)
PICARD: And...uh...where did you come from, uh, Bob?
BOB: (shrugging) I've been here the whole time. Since the beginning. You just couldn't see me before, because you weren't in widescreen.
PICARD: I see. The whole time, eh?
BOB: Yep. And I gotta tell ya, that review of "Battlestar Galactica"...? Whew! Stinkeroo! You guys mailed that one in. Hope they don't air it...
GARIBALDI: (quietly, to PICARD) If he's always been here...how couldn't we notice? What are we talking about, here? Some kind of dimensional shift, a different plane of existence making an incursion into our reality, what?
PICARD: Why are you asking me?
GARIBALDI: *You're* technobabble guy!
PICARD: Hey, I've got chief engineers and doctors to handle that crap for me!
TEAL'C: Perhaps if we continued with the review...? We were discussing "Transformers: The Movie"...?
BOB: The Transformers rule.
TEAL'C: I like you already, man.
GARIBALDI: (looking askance at BOB) All right, then. Despite the film's blatantly commercial origins, they assembled a pretty high profile voice cast. Among them: Robert Stack, of "Untouchables" and "Unsolved Mysteries" fame; Leonard Nimoy, who is NOT Spock, but gets to play the villain, Galvatron; Judd Nelson, famed for "The Breakfast Club" and...well, just "The Breakfast Club", I guess; and, believe it or not, the voice of Unicron is handled by Orson Welles.
BOB: *The* Orson Welles, folks. Remember Citizen Kane? That was CRAP compared to this! *This* is the true pinnacle of his career.
GARIBALDI: Mr. Welles aside, if there's one thing that distinguishes this movie from the typical cartoons of its era, it's this: wholesale carnage. Characters were just getting whacked left and right.
PICARD: You could pretty much tell which characters' toys hadn't been selling very well, just by looking at the body count.
GARIBALDI: Which gives it an advantage, storywise, since ANYONE could get killed. Kind of reminds me of my time back on Babylon 5...
BOB: (snorting) Please. "Babylon 5" sucked. Everybody knows it was just a rip-off of "Deep Space Nine".
GARIBALDI: ExCUSE me?
TEAL'C: Oh, here we go...
BOB: And don't even get me started on the whole "Crusade"/"Star Blazers" thing.
GARIBALDI: Okay, I'm gonna have to hurt you, now.
BOB: I mean, it's almost as blatant as the "Stargate SG-1"/"Speed Buggy" plagiarism.
TEAL'C: (gaping) Wha...? Et tu, Bob?
BOB: Don't try to deny it. I've spent the past seven-and-a-half months scouring the Internet, compiling a three hundred seventy-six page thesis on the subject. I will not rest until "SG-1" gives "Speed Buggy" its proper recognition.
TEAL'C: But...but...
BOB: You can't hide the truth forever.
(TEAL'C hesitates, then pulls out a zat gun. He shoots BOB three times, disintegrating him.)
GARIBALDI: Wow. And here I thought "SG-1" was actually ripping off "Dr. Shrinker"...
PICARD: (turning to the camera) In conclusion, though it may not be stellar drama, "Transformers: The Movie" is fun entertainment. I give it two-and-a-half stars. Michael?
GARIBALDI: I'll give it two stars. Just because I don't want to get shot by Teal'c.
TEAL'C: Very wise. I give this movie five stars.
PICARD: So, until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
GARIBALDI: (as the lights fade) Can we get out of this widescreen, now? It's kind of creeping me out...
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