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Three Bald Guys Review
Andromeda: Under The Night
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats on the theater balcony.)
GARIBALDI: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation". Today we'll be taking a look at the latest offering to come from the files of the late Gene Roddenberry--"Andromeda".
GARIBALDI: Or, if you want to be technical, "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda".
PICARD: The story opens with Captain Dylan Hunt--
TEAL'C: --a manly name, for a manly man--
PICARD:--and the crew of his sentient ship, the Andromeda Ascendant, running through a combat drill. They're soldiers for the Commonwealth, an alliance of worlds spanning three galaxies. Their training, however, is interrupted by a distress call. Rushing off to help, they discover they've been led into a trap set by the genetically-engineered race called the Nietzscheans. The Nietzscheans have been allies of the Commonwealth, but have decided the Commonwealth has grown too weak-willed in dealing with its enemies--and this attack is their first step in bringing it down.
TEAL'C: Grossly outnumbered, Captain Hunt heads for a nearby black hole, thinking to use its gravity to "slingshot" away from the enemy fleet, and warn his people of the imminent invasion. When it becomes clear he won't succeed, he has the crew abandon ship--but an act of sabotage results in Hunt and the Andromeda becoming trapped in the event horizon of the black hole...frozen in time.
GARIBALDI: We then fast forward three hundred years. The Commonwealth has long since been shattered, and the motley crew of a salvage vessel has been hired to retrieve the Andromeda. These salvagers include a couple of humans, a bat-like alien and a purple-skinned cat woman who apparently picked up her mannerisms by hanging out at the mall.
But these salvagers are in for a surprise when they discover that this abandoned ship isn't quite so abandoned as they thought--and that Captain Hunt is none too pleased at these interlopers trying to steal Andromeda away.
TEAL'C: Wacky hijinks ensue. Or at least we assume they will, since this was the first of a two-parter.
PICARD: Now, folks, this show isn't Shakespeare. Believe me, I know. The alien makeup is a bit clunky, and I'm sure some people will argue the scientific accuracy of the show until the cows come home. But who cares about that? So far, it's a harmless bit of fun. Sorbo does a decent job portraying Hunt, and is well-suited to the action-hero role. The other actors haven't done anything egregiously bad--yet--and the backstory and general concept is interesting...
GARIBALDI: And let's not forget the Andromeda herself!
PICARD: Yes, a nice-looking design for the ship and--
GARIBALDI: Forget the outside of the ship, let's talk about the computer. Yowza!
TEAL'C: (raising a eyebrow at GARIBALDI, then turning to the camera) Garibaldi is referring to the ship's artificial intelligence. It projects an image of itself on viewscreens or in holographic form--that image being one of an attractive young woman.
GARIBALDI: That's putting it mildly. She must have uploaded Microsoft Cleavage 5.0...
PICARD: Indeed. We haven't seen a chasm that deep since Luke Skywalker took on the Death Star...
GARIBALDI: Why couldn't B5's computer be like that? That's all I want to know...
PICARD: You know, we actually tried something like that with the Enterprise's computer. But ours came out looking like a three-hundred pound Bavarian hausfrau...
TEAL'C: Ouch.
GARIBALDI: Folks, like J.L. said, "Andromeda" isn't exactly high-brow entertainment, but it's fun so far. I'm willing to give it time to find its groove. I give it two-and-a-half out of five stars. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I give it two-and-a-half as well. It seems to have potential. Picard?
PICARD: I give it three stars.
GARIBALDI: And that'll do it. Until next time, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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