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Three Bald Guys Review
Star Trek: Generations
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today, we'll be taking a look at my first big screen endeavor, "Star Trek: Generations".
GARIBALDI: The story begins with the maiden voyage of the Enterprise B. On board for the event are Captain Kirk, Scotty and Chekov. But things go wrong when a distress call is received from some ships that have been ensnared--and are being destroyed by--an energy ribbon called the Nexus. During the rescue attempt, Kirk is apparently killed.
TEAL'C: The applause in the theater was deafening...
GARIBALDI: The film then shifts forward seventy-eight years, to the time of my esteemed colleague, J.L. here.
PICARD: The crew and I are called out on a rescue mission of our own, and one of the survivors we pick up is Doctor Soran, a member of Guinan's species.
GARIBALDI: It turns out that Soran was on one of the ships that Kirk and company rescued from the Nexus all those years ago--as was Guinan. And we learn that he's actually developed a bit of an obsession with the Nexus--a "bit", in the sense that he's willing to destroy entire solar systems in the effort to get back inside the Nexus.
PICARD: You see, the Nexus is a place of pure joy and happiness, of ultimate fulfillment, and Soran is willing to do whatever it takes to get back.
TEAL'C: His quest was doomed from the start. True joy and fulfillment can only come from within, and cannot be found through some spacial phenomenon...
(GARIBALDI and PICARD look at him curiously.)
GARIBALDI: That's pretty deep there, Teal'c.
TEAL'C: (shrugging) Read it on a fortune cookie.
GARIBALDI and PICARD: (in unison) Ah.
GARIBALDI: You know, I've never trusted those things. My wife got a fortune once that was completely blank; she was freaked for days. Of course, Ivanova got one that said she was "the right hand of vengeance" or some such thing. Wonder what she ever did with that...?
TEAL'C: At any rate...In his effort to rejoin the Nexus, Soran allies himself with evil Klingon sisters Lursa and Betor, who spirit him away from Picard and crew and take him to a barren world. From there he plans to launch a rocket into the planet's sun--snuffing it out and nudging the Nexus' path so that it hits the planet, that he might be reabsorbed into its joy. Picard attempts to stop Soran's evil schemes--and fails.
PICARD: Rub it in, why don't you?
TEAL'C: The planet is destroyed and he and Soran both get sucked into the Nexus. While there, he encounters Captain Kirk, not as dead as believed, and together they must find a way to leave the Nexus and stop Soran.
PICARD: Yep. Me and Kirk. At the risk of sounding immodest, we haven't seen a team-up this exciting since Scooby-Doo met Josie and the Pussycats...
GARIBALDI: Now, folks...there are some glaring plot holes in this film--
TEAL'C: Like how Lursa and Betor discover how to penetrate the Enterprise's shields...
PICARD: Even I've gotta admit that one was bad...
GARIBALDI:--and some sequences just seem to drag on interminably. But the music's good, and the special effects, too--and the performances are decent enough.
PICARD: (offended) *Decent*?
GARIBALDI: And Data gets to let loose with a pretty funny bit of profanity...But overall--sorry about this, J.L.--I can only give it two-and-a-half stars.
PICARD: Well, to be honest, I can only give it three stars, myself. While I thought my own performance was BRILLIANT, I can't ignore the flaws. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Two-and-a-half from me, as well.
GARIBALDI: And on that note, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD, and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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