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Three Bald Guys Review
The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD and TEAL'C sitting in the theater balcony. GARIBALDI is nowhere to be seen.)
PICARD: (muttering) Where the hell is-- (he notices the camera's on) Oh! Ahem. Welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Michael seems to be absent today, so...I guess we'll just have to press on without him...Today we'll be taking a look at the niftiest little sci-fi western cartoon you've probably never heard of, "The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers".
TEAL'C: We delved deeply into the vaults for this one, pulling out tapes we recorded way back in 1986. And which we hadn't viewed in at least ten years.
PICARD: We would have been able to view more of those tapes, but SOMEBODY broke one in the high-speed rewinder!
TEAL'C: How was I supposed to know it would do that?
PICARD: At any rate, the premise of the show is--
(PICARD breaks off as GARIBALDI comes staggering onto the balcony, clearly drunk out of his mind. GARIBALDI plops down into his seat and looks at his associates.)
TEAL'C: What's wrong with you, Garibaldi?
(GARIBALDI throws an arm over TEAL'C's shoulders, pokes him in the chest.)
GARIBALDI: Teal'c, m'fren...I fell off the wag--*hic!* The wag--*hic!* I fell off--*hic!* I'm drunk.
PICARD: (scowling distastefully) Obviously. But why?
GARIBALDI: I'm shelebratin', J.L. The Sci-Fi Channel picked up m'show! I'm gonna be back in prime-time. (he stands up and leans in toward the camera) Wooooo! Sci-Fiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! You guys ROCK...!!
(PICARD pulls GARIBALDI back down into his seat.)
GARIBALDI: I love those guys, man...
PICARD: Indeed.
GARIBALDI: I really, really do.
PICARD: Of course you do. Now take a nap. Some of us have work to do...(he turns back toward the camera) As I was saying, the premise of "The Adventures of the Galaxy Rangers" is stated at the beginning of each show. In the year 2086, two peaceful aliens journeyed to Earth, seeking our help. In return they gave us the plans for our first hyperdrive, allowing mankind to open the doors to the stars. A special team has been assembled to protect Earth and her allies, dedicated to preserving law and order across the New Frontier.
TEAL'C: That team includes Zachary Fox, who sports cybernetic enhancements to his body; Shane "Goose" Gooseman, a genetically engineered product of the Super Trooper program; Walter "Doc" Hartford, a computer genius; and Niko, a woman gifted with psychic abilities.
PICARD: They each have brain implants--activated by tapping on their badges--that temporarily enhance their particular skills. Zachary gains the ability to fire a "thunderbolt" blast of energy from his left arm; Goose gains metamorphic abilities; Doc can conjure superior computer programs; and Niko's psychic powers are amplified.
GARIBALDI: Hey...hey! I remember this show! See, it's *hic!* got all the trapping of science fiction: space stations, starships, aliens. But for no apparently logical reason *hic!* they throw in western elements, too. Some planets have the usual futuristic look, but the "frontier" worlds have got an Old West look to 'em, as far as archictec-*hic!* Arch-*hic!* buildings go. And the clothing n' stuff, too.
TEAL'C: Indeed, the Rangers can travel, in the course of an episode, from a gleaming megalopolis to a dusty, tumbleweed town. And frequently do.
GARIBALDI: Oooh, megalopolis. Big word, m'fren...
PICARD: It's the juxtaposition of those two elements--high-tech and Old West--that gives the series part of its unique feel. You wouldn't think they'd work together, but they managed to pull it off.
GARIBALDI: Juxtaposition...Hee-hee...
PICARD: (rolling his eyes) The Rangers are pitted against a variety of enemies, including--but not limited to--the Queen of the Crown; Lazarus Slade; and the ancient evil of the Scarecrow. They've also got their share of allies, and a number of roguish supporting characters with no particular allegiance at all. Which is part of what gives the show its appeal. For, while the writing can be a bit clunky at times, the characters are pretty well-defined.
TEAL'C: As well, these "guest stars" are not just forgotten after the episode is over; they often turn up in later episodes. And events of one story can--and often do--affect the events of another tale later on.
PICARD: Which all serves to give the series a coherent feel that you don't often see. The people and worlds of this galaxy have a nice inter-connectedness to them. I was a bit surprised, viewing these tapes again, that the show actually holds up so well after so long. Sure, there are some cringe-worthy moments--such as the break-dancing robot and the "rock concert" episode--and sure, it's not exactly High Art by any standards. But it's fun, and it grows on you. It's got that elusive quality I like to call za-zing!
TEAL'C: Sadly, it was only on the air for one season--sixty-five daily half-hour episodes. There have been rumors, though, that it may be coming out on DVD sometime in the near future.
PICARD: And if those rumors turn out to be true, it'll be going on our "must-buy" list. There hasn't been a sci-fi show this fun since "Star Blazers".
GARIBALDI: "Star Blazers" sucked!
PICARD: Michael, you're drunk. You don't know what you're talking about.
GARIBALDI: Sure I do. Gamilons and Iscandar. Stupid!
TEAL'C: Excuse me, but aren't you the one with the limited edition model of the Argo on his desk?
GARIBALDI: Um...oh, yeah.
TEAL'C: And aren't you the one who suggested that that Straczynski fellow "borrow" the Wave Motion Gun for that "Crusade" show...?
GARIBALDI: Well...
TEAL'C: And aren't you the one who--
GARIBALDI: Oh, enough blabber! *hic!* I give "Galaxy Rangers" three outta five starsh. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I, too, give it three stars. Picard?
PICARD: I give it three-and-a-half stars.
GARIBALDI: So, until nes' time, I'm Michael Gar-*hic!* Gar-*hic!* Ah, crap, you know who I am...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard, saying...
GARIBALDI, TEAL'C and PICARD: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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