X-Men
Featuring The Artist Formerly Known As Teal'c:
Three Bald Guys Review
X-Men
Featuring The Artist Formerly Known As Teal'c:
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C--sporting his new look--sitting in the theater balcony.)
PICARD: Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: And I'm The Artist Formerly Known As Teal'c.
PICARD: Today we'll be taking a look at "X-Men". But before we do, let me just say it's great to have you back, Teal'c.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: It's good to be back.
GARIBALDI: How'd the tour for "Songs of the Hillbilly Spacer" go?
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (shaking his head, with a haughty sniff) It just got too corporate, man. They, like, focused all on the money, and forgot it was supposed to be about, you know, the Art. Not my scene. I've gotta push the envelope, you know? Expand the horizons of the hillbilly experience...
GARIBALDI: (quirking an eyebrow) Mmmmmmm...sure.
PICARD: Well, anyway...."X-Men", despite its title, isn't a gender-bending sex-change film--it's actually about superheroes!
GARIBALDI: Go figure.
PICARD: As the film opens, we're informed that evolution--normally a slow process, to say the least--occasionally takes a huge leap forward. Mutants--people gifted, or cursed, with paranormal abilities--are the result of the most recent evolutionary leap. They're feared and hated by many; Congress is even debating a bill to register and regulate them.
GARIBALDI: Enter Magneto, gifted with the power to manipulate metal and magnetic fields. As a child in 1944, he was imprisoned in a Polish concentration camp, and has thus seen the horrors and evil that men are capable of. He seeks to protect mutantkind from that by establishing them as the dominant force. To that end, he sends his henchmen out to capture two mutants: Wolverine, a loner type with healing abilities and razor-sharp metal claws; and Rogue, a young girl who absorbs the life force--and powers--of anyone she touches.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: The two mutants are saved, however, through the intervention of the X-Men.
PICARD: A team of heroic mutants led by the STUNNINGLY handsome Professor Charles Xavier. I mean, I just can't say enough about this guy's looks.
GARIBALDI: I'm sure you can't.
PICARD: We haven't seen this level of studliness on the big screen since "Insurrection"...
GARIBALDI: If you say so. At any rate, Wolverine and Rogue wind up joining the X-Men in their fight to stop Magneto and save the world.
PICARD: And there's the proverbial much, much more. But back to Xavier, though....I think it's highly appropriate that it's a bald man leading the fight against evil, don't you? Because as we like to say here on "3BG"...
PICARD, GARIBALDI, and T.A.F.K.A.T.: (in unison) You can't go wrong with a bald guy!
GARIBALDI: Now, I have to admit up front that I was a little pre-disposed to enjoy this film. It's been years since I've read the X-Men comics, but I always enjoyed them. I was a bit worried that the film wouldn't be able to convey them properly--but they pulled it off nicely. Good story, good effects, good performances, and some nice little cameos for the viewers who ARE familiar with the comics. In fact--
(GARIBALDI breaks off as a man enters the balcony, carrying a bowl. The man hands it to T.A.F.K.A.T.)
MAN: The breakfast you ordered, The Artist Formerly Known As Teal'c.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (to PICARD and GARIBALDI) I hope you don't mind, guys. Pushing the creative horizons kind of gets you hungry, you know?
(T.A.F.K.A.T. takes the bowl, then frowns at it, then at the man.)
T.A.F.K.A.T.: What is this?
MAN: Lucky Charms, just like you ordered.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (shakes his head) There are red balloon marshmallows in here. I specifically ordered all the red balloons to be removed. Now...WHY did I do that? Refresh my memory.
MAN: (reciting) Because the red balloon is not a true Lucky Charm, and you refuse to acknowledge it as such.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: That's right. (he throws the bowl on the floor.) Now begone. You are SO fired.
MAN: But sir...
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (with a heavy sigh) Listen. There are two very important life lessons I learned a long time ago. One: Never let a rhesus monkey watch "Little House on the Prairie". And two: Never try to flush pancakes down the toilet. Do you understand what I'm saying?
MAN: Uhhhh...
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (to GARIBALDI) You see what I have to put up with? No one understands the creative vision raging inside me...
GARIBALDI: I was with you up until the part about the pancakes...
(T.A.F.K.A.T. flicks a hand toward the MAN)
T.A.F.K.A.T.: You may leave now.
(The man stares at him angrily, then turns and stalks away)
PICARD: You know, Teal'c, fame seems to have turned you into quite the jerk.
T.A.F.K.A.T.: (rolling his eyes) Doesn't ANYONE understand my visionary torment?!
GARIBALDI: Guys, guys. Mellow. Let's just get back to the review, eh?...(turns to the camera) Folks, if you're a fan of the comics, X-Men has a lot to offer. And even if you're not a fan, go see it anyway. Because I said so. I give it four out of five stars. J.L.?
PICARD: Three-and-a-half stars from me. That Xavier is quite the hunk! Teal'c?
T.A.F.K.A.T.: Three stars from me.
GARIBALDI: And that'll do it! Until next time I'm--
(GARIBALDI breaks off as the breakfast man comes charging back onto the balcony. Screaming incoherently, the man begins to smash a box of Lucky Charms over T.A.F.K.A.T.'s head, over and over. T.A.F.K.A.T. collapses in a heap, and the man runs away, cackling.)
(GARIBALDI bends over T.A.F.K.A.T., trying to rouse him.)
GARIBALDI: Teal'c! You okay, man? Teal'c?
(T.A.F.K.A.T. struggles back into his seat, his sunglasses askew. He stares around at the balcony, then at his clothes.)
TEAL'C: Why am I dressed like this?
PICARD: Don't you remember? The hillbilly spacers? The cow in the airlock?
TEAL'C: What ARE you talking about, Picard?
PICARD: He's back!
TEAL'C: This is one of your jokes, isn't it, Garibaldi?
GARIBALDI: I'll explain later. But, as I was saying, I'm Michael Garibaldi...
PICARD: I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
GARIBALDI, PICARD and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
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