Three Bald Guys Review
Independence Day
(Theme music fades, lights rise to show PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C sitting in their usual seats in the theater balcony--already in the middle of a discussion.)
PICARD: --so the Romulan...*snicker*... the Romulan says, "Won't that disrupt the bi-polar neutrino axial emitter?" And the Ferengi says...*snicker*...he says, "That's not the bi-polar neutrino axial emitter; that's the dilithium inversion compensator!"
(PICARD dissolves into laughter, while GARIBALDI and TEAL'C stare at him blankly.)
PICARD: Get it? Dilithium inversion compensator?
(PICARD continues laughing, the others still staring at him.)
TEAL'C: You worry me.
GARIBALDI: Yeah, J.L. You've gotta--(He suddenly looks toward the camera in surprise.) Whoops! We've got company! (He smiles.) Hello, folks, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review...". I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation"...*snicker*...Dilithium inver--
GARIBALDI: Okay, get a grip, J.L....Today we'll be taking a look at the film "Independence Day", starring funky-fresh Will Smith, fly guy Jeff Goldblum...and a bunch of other people.
PICARD: The premise of the film is that aliens have arrived on Earth--and they're just blowin' stuff up left and right.
GARIBALDI: Kickin' butt and takin' names.
TEAL'C: Puttin' the ol' smack down.
GARIBALDI: After some spectacular special effects sequences showing the destruction of several major cities, the bulk of the movie is spent showing how the survivors deal with the aftermath of the initial assault, and how they try to regroup and strike back. These survivors run the gamut--everybody from an alcoholic crop duster (Randy Quaid) who claims to have been abducted by the aliens years ago, to the president (Bill Pullman), to a stripper (Vivica Fox) and more.
TEAL'C: Though to be honest, you really don't need an alien invasion to get the president to hang out with a stripper. Or any politician, for that matter.
PICARD: Resistance, though--as my Borg buddies would say--proves futile, as the alien ships sport shields that protect them from all counterattacks--up to and including nuclear strikes.
GARIBALDI: The real breakthrough for our heroes comes when they head for the "secret" base in Area 51.
TEAL'C: Been there. They got it completely wrong in this film.
GARIBALDI: Well, I'm richer for knowing that. Anyway...there they discover an alien ship that's been kept under lock and key for decades. And here we get one of the more interesting--and all too briefly seen--characters of the film, in the form of the project's lead scientist, played with enjoyable quirkiness by Brent Spiner.
PICARD: He looked awfully familiar for some reason. I can't quite put my finger on it...
GARIBALDI: It's here at the base that Jeff Goldblum--playing a brilliant computer guy, devises a means to defeat the aliens' shields, by implanting a computer virus in the alien mother ship. The hope is that this will lower the shields long enough for humanity to destroy the invaders. He and pilot Will Smith set off in the alien vessel, dock with the mother ship, and do no less than SAVE THE WORLD!
PICARD: Because thankfully, the virus program was compatible with a *completely* alien computer system. Which just goes to prove my theory...that Bill Gates is an alien.
GARIBALDI: No doubt. That haircut of his gives it away. Makes me proud to be a bald guy.
TEAL'C: Wait a minute...didn't Goldblum use a Macintosh computer?
GARIBALDI: Yeah...
TEAL'C: Well, then Bill Gates wouldn't have anything to do with that, would he? The Bill Gates/alien theory would not seem to apply.
(GARIBALDI and PICARD exchange a knowing glance.)
PICARD: That's what Gates *wants* you to think. He's got his tentacles into everything: Macintosh, Pokemon, fat-free potato chips...
TEAL'C: Ah. Well...(turns back to the camera)...the Bill Gates conspiracy aside, I must say that, even though this film is riddled with plot holes, it's still a great deal of fun. I particularly enjoyed the chemistry between Goldblum and Smith.
PICARD: Agreed. We haven't seen a duo this dynamic since Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl.
GARIBALDI: Electra far out!
TEAL'C: One thing I did find disappointing about Will Smith's performance, though...I was kind of hoping to see him "Get jiggy wit' it". Because quite frankly, I have no idea what that means--and every time I ask Colonel O'Neill, he just laughs at me.
GARIBALDI: Dude, if you don't know...(he shakes his head)
PICARD: At any rate, despite its numerous plot flaws, I really enjoyed this film, and give it three-and-a-half out of five stars. Michael?
GARIBALDI: Three stars from me. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Three from me, as well.
PICARD: And that'll do it. Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
PICARD, GARIBALDI, and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the Goobers!
PICARD: (as the lights fade) Hey, have you guys heard the one about the Klingon and the Organian hairstylist...?
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