Flash Gordon
With special guest reviewer:
Marcus Cole
Three Bald Guys Review
Flash Gordon
With special guest reviewer:
Marcus Cole
(Theme music plays, and the lights rise to show PICARD and TEAL'C in their usual seats on the theater balcony. GARIBALDI'S seat, however, is vacant.)
PICARD: (casting glances at the empty seat) Hello, and welcome to...uh..."Three Bald Guys Review...". There are *supposed* to be three of us anyway...I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: And normally we'd be joined by Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5", but he doesn't seem to be--
(PICARD breaks off as Marcus Cole rushes onto the balcony and drops into GARIBALDI'S seat.)
MARCUS: (gasping a bit, obviously winded from his run) Sorry I'm late. Michael couldn't make it, said he had to spend some time with a friend of his, and asked me to step in for him.
PICARD: (frowning) And who was this friend?
MARCUS: I think he said Jack Daniels. Or was it Jose Cuervo? One or the other. (claps his hands together) But I'm here, so let's get to it, eh?
TEAL'C: (stares at Marcus, frowning in disapproval) Are you sure of this, Picard?
PICARD: (shrugs) Doesn't seem we have much choice. So...(he turns back to the camera) Today we'll be taking a look at that 1980 gem, "Flash Gordon". The story involves that evil villain Ming the Merciless launching an assault on Earth. Only doctor Hans Zarkov seems to recognize the danger, and has built his own rocketship to go meet the threat.
MARCUS: What a guy!
(TEAL'C casts a glance at MARCUS, and his frown deepens)
PICARD: Zarkov enlists, at gunpoint, no less, the aid of Flash Gordon and Dale Arden, whose plane has conveniently crashed into the doctor's lab. And off they go, zooming away into another solar system--or something--where they become embroiled in a battle to stop Ming and save the Earth.
MARCUS: Accompanied, all the while, by a kickin' soundtrack composed by Queen.
(TEAL'C glares at MARCUS, his frown deepens still more)
PICARD: Queen does indeed rule. As for the rest of the film...folks this is one of those movies that's so bad, it's good. I'm not even kidding. Just shut your brain completely off and go with it, and you'll have fun.
MARCUS: No argument here. Why I remember this one time I was watching it--
TEAL'C: (surges to his feet) Silence, large-maned one! I have had enough of your gabbling! You have entirely too much hair and are an affront to the very concept behind this program! (TEAL'C grabs his staff weapon from behind his seat and shoves it toward MARCUS'S chest)
MARCUS: Whoa! Whoa! If the hair bothers you so much...(he reaches up and pulls his hair off, demonstrating it's a wig and revealing a perfectly hairless head underneath).
TEAL'C: (studies MARCUS for a moment) Is this some kind of ruse?
MARCUS: It's legit, I swear!
TEAL'C: That...is acceptable. I suppose. (he nods, then returns his weapon to its place).
PICARD: (staring at MARCUS) A wig! How diabolically clever! But why the deception?
MARCUS: I didn't want to step on your toes, Jean-Luc. Can I call you Jean-Luc? You set the standard by which all bald British sci-fi actors are judged, and I knew I'd never measure up to you. You are like unto a god to me!
PICARD: Oh, stop...And by stop, I mean continue...
MARCUS: Since I couldn't hope to match your glory, I figured I'd go for the *long-haired* British sci-fi actor look. It seems to have worked. You wouldn't BELIEVE how many women are flocking to me...
TEAL'C: If we could get on with the review...
PICARD: (waving his hand) Forget the review. Let's talk more about me...
TEAL'C: The REVIEW, Picard...
PICARD: (rolls his eyes) Oh, all right. We'll get back to me later. Where were we? Oh, yes. So bad it's good. There are so many plot holes and continuity gaffes in this that one has to wonder if they let a five-year-old edit it.
TEAL'C: My favorite plot hole would have to be when Flash captures a ship and leads the attack on Ming's fortress--and sets the console timer to show him how much time he has left to save the Earth. As if somehow he's been mentally keeping track of it, down to the exact *second*.
MARCUS: I love that bit. And hey, let's talk performances! Brian Blessed as Prince Vultan--he seemed to be having a grand old time hamming it up, didn't he? And Max Von Sydow as Ming...can you go wrong playing a bald villain with a magic ring, a slutty daughter, and a heavy makeup job that *tries* to make you look Oriental? Well...yeah, you could. But ignore all that, and you'll wonder why he wasn't in the Oscar race that year...
PICARD: You said it. We haven't seen a mustache-twirling villain this un-subtle since Dick Dastardly on "Wacky Races". And let's not forget Timothy Dalton. Yes, the man who would someday become James Bond is gallivanting about in here, as the green-blooded Prince Barin. No doubt he looks back on this role with great pride...
MARCUS: Oooh! And we get a good catfight thrown into the mix, too!
PICARD: Such a deal! (he turns back to the camera) Folks, if you're in the mood for some mindless fun--and sometimes, isn't everybody?--then you can't go wrong with "Flash Gordon". Four stars from me. Just kick back and enjoy. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: I can only give it two-and-a-half stars. The flaws are sometimes just too jarring.
MARCUS: Partypooper.
(TEAL'C starts reaching back for his staff weapon.)
MARCUS: (hurriedly holding up his hands) Kidding! Kidding! (he turns to the camera) I give this one four-and-a-half stars, people. Great, good, goofy fun.
PICARD: That'll do it for this time, then. Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c...
MARCUS: And I'm Marcus Cole, saying...
PICARD, TEAL'C and MARCUS: (in unison) PASS THE GOOBERS!
PICARD: (turning to MARCUS as the lights fade) Now let's get back to me...
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