Three Bald Guys Review
Babylon 5: A Call To Arms
(Theme music plays, and the lights brighten to reveal a small theater balcony. All the seats are vacant, save for three near the front. Seated in them are, from left to right, Michael Garibaldi, Jean-Luc Picard and Teal'c.)
GARIBALDI: (smiling into the camera) Hello, and welcome to "Three Bald Guys Review..."--the show where we look at science fiction movies and television, both old and new, and let you know what's worth your time. I'm Michael Garibaldi of "Babylon 5".
PICARD: And I'm Jean-Luc Picard of "Star Trek: The Next Generation".
TEAL'C: I am Teal'c, of "Stargate SG-1".
PICARD: Today, we'll be taking a look at the latest offering from the Babylon 5 universe, "Babylon 5: A Call To Arms".
GARIBALDI: Not that I'm biased or anything, but I thought this film was FANTASTIC!
TEAL'C: Perhaps that it because you play a role in it.
GARIBALDI: (smiling innocently) You know, that's a definite possibility...
PICARD: Anyway, this film concerns the efforts of John Sheridan, President of the Interstellar Alliance, to do no less than save the Earth. You see, while on an inspection tour of two new prototype destroyer-class vessels, Sheridan begins to receive odd visions, sent to him by a technomage named Galen.
TEAL'C: A *bald* technomage, it must be noted.
PICARD: Exactly. So we're already off on a good foot. These visions lead Sheridan to Babylon 5, where he hooks up with a pair of other "dreamers" that Galen has contacted. One is Dureena Nafeel, a thief whose homeworld was destroyed during the Shadow War; the other is Captain Anderson of Earthforce. They discover that the Drakh, those former servants of the Shadows, have one of the Shadow planet killers and are planning to unleash its power on Earth. The trio sets out to stop them, and to do so, Sheridan and company steal the two prototype destroyers and call in help from their allies--
GARIBALDI: --Including yours truly--
PICARD: --to help repel the threat. Personally, I rather enjoyed this film. Plenty of action and suspense, and things moved along nice and briskly. Teal'c?
TEAL'C: Agreed. I also enjoyed the touches of humor sprinkled throughout.
GARIBALDI: (chuckling, quoting Sheridan from the film) If it isn't, then it's not. But if it is...well, there you are.
PICARD: (smiling) Exactly.
TEAL'C: (quoting Sheridan) I'm hip...
GARIBALDI: I thought the special effects in this were outstanding, as well. I particularly enjoyed the new jumpgate effect.
TEAL'C: As did I. The Excalibur and Victory's main weapons were also rather impressive.
PICARD: (sniffing) They looked good, but to be blunt: could you possibly rip off "Star Blazers" any more blatantly? A hugely powerful weapon that drains all the ship's energy...? I kept expecting them to put on goggles every time they fired it...
TEAL'C: Perhaps. On another note... I think these newcomers, Dureena Nafeel and Galen, are quite a find. It's good to see some new blood injected into the Babylon 5 setting.
PICARD: No argument here. Maybe you can confirm this, Michael, but from what I've heard, Dureena and Galen will be appearing in the spin-off series, "Crusade".
GARIBALDI: From what I gather, that's true, J.L. (he frowns) Of course *I* won't be in there, not that I'm BITTER or anything...
PICARD: (with a knowing smile) Of course not. But the addition of Galen to the new show bodes very well for its success. Because, as we always say here on "Three Bald Guys Review..."
PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) You can't go wrong with a bald guy!
TEAL'C: Speaking of the newcomers, let us not forget Captain Anderson. I was particularly impressed with his performance. I feel he brought a measure of quiet dignity to the affair.
GARIBALDI: Too true. Especially with that scene where he talks with his wife and daughter. Even if that DID mark him as a dead man, it was very touching.
PICARD: (nodding) We're in total agreement there, Michael. We haven't seen that kind of heart-wrenching emotion on the screen since Marcia Brady got hit in the face with a football.
TEAL'C: (shaking his head) Poor Marcia...
GARIBALDI: Hey, did you guys ever see that episode where Cindy asks Santa Claus to heal her mom's laryngitis, so her mom can sing at church on Christmas?
PICARD: I LOVED that episode! That Cindy was just so darn cute!
TEAL'C: Don't tell me the ending! I haven't seen that one yet!
GARIBALDI: Moving on, it's seems to me that the most controversial part of this movie, at least from the fan reaction, was the music by Evan Chen. Personally, I didn't have that much of a problem with it. But several members of the group I watched the movie with were contemplating suicide by the end of the film. What'd you guys think of it?
PICARD: (scowling) The music was hideous, pure and simple. Evan Chen should be found, shot in the head, buried, dug up again, re-animated and then killed again for good measure.
TEAL'C: (raising an eyebrow at PICARD) I rather enjoyed the music. I thought it brought an edginess to the film and enhanced the mood.
PICARD: (scowling deeper) You would...
GARIBALDI: (stares at PICARD a moment, then stares into the camera for a beat, then smiles brightly) Okay! You know, another thing I liked about this film was something really small--the scene wherein the Drakh communicates with the Excalibur. I liked the way the translator system worked--where we could see that the Drakh was speaking its own language, with the translation overlaid, rather than the Drakh speaking English, as would have happened on some OTHER shows, with their "universal translators"...
PICARD: (rolling his eyes) Let's not get started on THAT again...But if you want to talk about things that don't make any sense, let's talk about that dead Drazi they found on Daltron 7. I mean, the Drazi's *buried*, right? The implication being that the Drakh found him and killed him. But if that were the case, why did they leave his distress beacon active? And if he *wasn't* killed by the Drakh, why was he buried like that?
GARIBALDI: (shrugging) You got me there, J.L. I also kind of had to wonder how the ship designer Drake knew about the Drakh having only one planet killer...especially when, moments later, I myself said that the Drakh aparently didn't want anybody to know about it. But then, hey...I just read the lines and collect the paycheck, am I right?
TEAL'C: Of more concern to me was the woeful lack of any security precautions at the spacedocks where the Excalibur and Victory were constructed. Admittedly, one could offer the theory that the secrecy of its location protected it, but still, one would expect such an important project to warrant *at least* a White Star as a permanent guard. Yet Sheridan and his company simply waltzed in and stole the ships without any sign of resistance whatsoever.
PICARD: Exactly. And don't give me this "They wouldn't fire on the President" line, either. Sheridan's presence there probably wouldn't have been widely known aboard the facility; and if you see these ships suddenly *blasting* their way out of the docks, you've got to figure something's wrong--and you'd no doubt try to stop them. I mean, even the lowliest "red shirt" knows that...
GARIBALDI: No argument here...
PICARD: (brightening, as he turns toward the camera) Well, moving right along...I have to say that, despite the few quibbles I may have had with the plot, and that God-awful music, I have no qualms about giving "A Call To Arms" three out of five stars. Overall, you'll have a good time with this one, folks. Michael?
GARIBALDI: This one's a definite five-star item. Not that I'm biased, or anything... (smiles)
TEAL'C: I give "A Call To Arms" four stars.
PICARD: There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Until next time, I'm Jean-Luc Picard...
GARIBALDI: I'm Michael Garibaldi...
TEAL'C: And I am Teal'c, saying...
PICARD, GARIBALDI and TEAL'C: (in unison) Pass the goobers!
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