Rumors, Bargains, and Lies
Reviewed by Lady Keela Shanri
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"Rumors, Bargains, and Lies" is one of my all-time favourite episodes, a solid effort all around, and a welcome breath of quality air after the sappiness and bad acting of "Conflicts of Interest". Unlike most episodes that have an A-story and a B-story, you're not left wishing they would get back to "the good part" whenever they switch to the other plotline; BOTH halves are equally good, but for totally different reasons. The Minbari civil war plot because it is serious and sad; the Sheridan-and-the-alien-ambassadors plot because it is FUNNY. But while they have large differences, they somehow complement each other well to make a coherent whole. And both plotlines reflect the title of the episode in their own way. This episode is indeed full of rumours, bargains, and outright lies. We also get to see Sheridan being silly and light-hearted for the first time in months, a side of his personality I was beginning to miss after his return from Za'Ha'Dum.
Let's start with the serious plotline first--the Minbari one. On their way through hyperspace to Minbar, Delenn sits and looks at a hologram of the way the capitol city USED to look like, tears in her eyes at the thought of the fighting that's broken out. "I think of my beautiful city in flames," she tells Lennier, in a stunning acting job by Mira Furlan (but then again, when is she NOT a great actor?) "and I think--did I do this, when I broke the Grey Council?" Lennier's answer is that the Council had kept the petty disputes, the imagined slights, etc. between the castes in line, but they were never gone. And now that it is disbanded, those feelings are coming to the surface once more. Which leads us to wonder--are they REALLY talking about Minbar, or perhaps the chaos that was caused on our own planet, in real life, when the Soviet Union broke up, hmmn? Bear in mind that Ms. Furlan IS from what used to be called Yugoslavia...
Anyway, they meet up with a Warrior Caste ship, captained by our old buddy Neroon. Delenn says she wants to talk to him. Alone. Knowing that these are very dangerous times for one of the Religious Caste to be alone with a Warrior, Neroon wonders why. "Come with me," says Delenn, "and find out."
Once they are alone together, she explains that although over the years she has questioned his judgement, his temperament, etc. she has NEVER questioned his loyalty. And she would much rather work with someone who did what they did--even if they sometimes opposed her--out of what they felt was right for their people, rather than someone who just stayed by her side all the time without questioning because it was required or expected. "Is that a compliment?" inquires Neroon, raising where his eyebrow would be if he had one.
"After a fashion."
"Then you trust me."
"After a fashion."
Delenn wants to forge a treaty with him, to better help their world they must work together. "The Religious Caste cannot win this war." she says, "The Warrior Caste cannot win it either. If either side dominates the other, there will be chaos. Our entire society will fall apart." Although he risks alienating himself from his entire caste, as does Delenn from her own caste, Neroon finally seems to agree with her and they go their seperate ways in peace.
Meanwhile, a member of Delenn's Religious Caste crew overhears the conversation--or part of it anyway. He runs back to frantically tell the others, "Delenn has sold out to their side! She's planning to surrender! Why else would she talk so kindly to Neroon, defer to him! I heard her! She said that the Religious Caste must NOT win this war!" That's only PART of the quote, bonehead. But the question must be asked--did he HEAR only that part, or hear the entire thing and only repeat the part he wanted the others to hear, so that he could have an excuse to put his fanatical plan into action? I think the latter, but then again I am a Centauri after all, I tend to think more deviously...
What are they planning to do? They are going to flood the ship with poison gas (siphoned from the engine systems) and KILL themselves, everyone on the entire ship, and become martyrs, showing how much they believe in their Caste. Nice bunch, huh? I must make a side-note here--THIS is when I suddenly started really LIKING the Minbari. They were pretty cool up to this point, but they had to start plotting and scheming before they became truly INTERESTING! Like I said, the Centauri in me...
Lennier overhears this conversation (overhearing, sneaking, spying, etc, is a big theme of this episode) and makes plans to stop them. He starts searching the ship for where they've hidden the poison gas cannister.
Meanwhile, Neroon is standing in one of those big dramatic control rooms with the huge holographic display and the small spotlights against the blackness, etc. when one of his flunkies comes in and chats with him for a bit. Then the flunky suddenly pulls out a fighting-pike and WHAP!
The alarms go off. "Do you think Delenn knows?" wonders one of the Religious Caste dudes to another. "I don't think so." he mutters back. They arrive in the room the alarm is coming from to find out that it's only because of Neroon, who is standing there bleeding from "a glancing blow." At this point, after they've tended to Neroon's injury, Delenn gathers the other Religious types in another room and gives them this big, long, dramatic speech about how she is so glad she has THEM on her side, THEY would not do something this drastic, no, the Religious Caste is the STEADY ones, they do not use violence, they are practical, etc. Then she lets drop the information that the Warrior flunky had tried to kill Neroon because he thought that HE was going to have a the WARRIOR Caste surrender to the Religious one! The exact other way around!
"Then..." stammers No-Name Religious Caste Dude #1, "we--I mean, they--aren't going to surrender?"
"No!" says Delenn, and explains to them, the way she did to Neroon earlier, about how NEITHER side can win, there must be a balance, etc. And all this time, the "strong, steady, smart, practical" Religious guys are looking nervously around at each other, thinking about how much time the POISON has left before it goes off...
Cut to: Lennier, who is crawling through an absolutely tiny, triangular-shaped Jeffries-tube type thing (it's a good thing he's only about 5'4" and skinny...) with a breather mask over his face. He reaches the cannister, which has already started leaking but still has a few seconds before it reaches the main ventilation system, and shuts it off. But evidently his mask isn't enough to protect him all the way when he's that close to that large of a concentration of it, because he staggers weakly down the hall with it until he finds the other Religious Caste dudes and dudettes, then he gasps, "Have we...gone so far..that we cannot trust...ourselves?!" and passes out in their arms. Making them feel like a bunch of absolute heels, as well they should.
Afterwards, as Lennier is recovering in Medlab (he almost died, poor little thing!), he decides NOT to rat on the others. "Why?" they want to know.
He goes into this big speech about how Delenn does not walk in the same world we do. In her world, we care more than we care. We are more compassionate, more honest, etc. He would rather walk in her world than the normal one, and he would never do ANYTHING to jeopardise that world. So he did not tell her about the plot out of a desire to not disillusion her, rather than to protect them. They express their gratitude and then leave.
The ship continues on to Minbar, and you'd THINK everything is hunky-dory now (well as much as it CAN be, considering that they ARE in the middle of a civil war, after all...) but just to whap you upside the head as only Straczynski can, there is one more scene left. Neroon gets into his personal flyer and leaves the main ship, sending a message as he does so that makes it quite clear that he was only FAKING his alliance with Delenn in order to get the Religious Caste's secrets.
But don't count Neroon as nothing but a jerk yet, he could still surprise ya...
And now onto the other plotline, which was just as tricky if not more so but FUNNY as all hells. We start off with our heroes (Zack, Franklin, Ivanova, and Marcus) coming in to eat breakfast while Sheridan sits there, staring off vacantly into space, and talks to himself quietly, at another table. Their efforts to find out what the heck is up with him totally fail, and they try to concentrate on their own conversation. The problem they're worrying about is how to get the League worlds to allow them to put White Stars on their borders, as a protection against the Drakh and other raiders. "But they won't do anything unless you convince them they DON'T want it," complains Ivanova. "It's a pain in the butt but it looks like we're gonna have to go through it all over again to get them together." All this time, Sheridan is grinning, laughing, slapping his knees, etc. "Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the group?" inquires Ivanova. "Oh, uh, no." says Sheridan, smiling innocently. Then, just as they've finally managed to almost ignore his increasing weirdness, he comes over to their table and SLAMS his hand down on it really hard, causing all the food--and people--to JUMP. "That's IT!" he shouts. "I've GOT it!" And he explains that he has figured out how to convince the League worlds to let them put White Stars on their borders as protection--but does not explain HOW. And skips gleefully out of the room.
As soon as he's gone, Ivanova gets up and sniffs his empty coffee cup. "Juuuust checking..."
Sheridan then goes to Londo, in another hilarious scene. "Let me get this straight," says Londo, disbelievingly. "You want me to allow White Stars on the border of Centauri space, but I'm not allowed to tell anyone about it."
"That's correct. And if anyone asks you about it, you are to deny it."
"But the patrols will remain in place, yes?"
"That's right."
"Captain, I have studied your culture for many years, but there are still many aspects of Human psychology I do not understand. A place called...Winchester Mansion...with stairs that go no-where? Something called "country and western?" (Me: YES! I knew there was a reason I liked Londo from the beginning--HE HATES COUNTRY MUSIC!! YES!! Hee hee hee...) "And the less said about the comedy team of Reebo and Zooty, the better."
(and here begins a GREAT comedy bit, with the two characters going back-and-forth super fast like in an old-style Abbot and Costello routine or something) "You don't like Reebo and Zooty?" asks Sheridan. "They're hysterical!"
"Are they..." sneers Londo, "I see I have misjudged you, Captain. I took you for a Human of some TASTE, and sensibility!"
"Now, look--"
"All I know is that after their last broadcast, I could not go anywhere without someone going, 'Zooty, zoot-zoot!' at me, it was most annoying."
"That's a great routine!
"I did not get it."
"That's not my problem."
"My point, IF you will allow me to make it, is that there are still some things about the Human mind I do not understand!" Sheridan eventually manages to stop Londo's ravings and tell him it will be all right, he'll see. Londo grudgingly agrees to go along with this lying plan even though he has NO idea why...
Later, the Drazi Ambassador accosts Sheridan in the hallway and demands to know if the rumours about White Star ships patrolling the borders of Centauri space are true or not. Sheridan gives him this REALLY slick-politician answer about how he's not confirming it but he's not denying it, and not confirming it doesn't make it false any more than not denying it makes it true, are you with me so far? "I'm...not sure..." mumbles the Drazi Ambassador with a glazed look on his face (by the way, I thought Ron Campbell, the actor, did a good job acting through the mask). "If I were to stand here and deny all the things that aren't, we'd be here for centuries, now wouldn't we?" says Sheridan, and while the Drazi is trying to absorb that, he leaves.
Sheridan is not done sewing his little seeds of confusion yet, oh, no, not by a long shot. Somewhere in here, he ORDERS Marcus to go to Sector 87, shoot some asteroids, and then come home. "Show up, shoot a bunch of rocks, and then leave." Yep. When he asks why, Sheridan brushes him off and says just do it. And everyone else in C&C is looking at him like he's gone insane....
Meanwhile, the Drazi Ambassador decides to go directly to the source and ASK the Centauri if they have invited the White Stars to patrol their borders, and if so, why. But Londo is now playing Sheridan's game, so this does not do the Drazi any good. All he gets is a flat denial of the ships being there--an outright lie, and a hilarious discussion about how Londo can't understand how the Drazi fly at night with those bad eyes, "tiny, squinty little things, aren't they? No, the Maker has not been kind to you. Whereas the Maker gifted us Centauri with great BIG eyes. And great big scanners. And great big..." (gestures by his middle, ERM...) "but that is no concern of yours...Look. I don't have time for this..." and he sends him away. Extremely risqué humour (if you know Centauri anatomy)--they can ONLY get away with this stuff in the early evening because the Centauri are alien enough to throw off the clueless censors...(Londo was not gesturing where a HUMAN would be gesturing...) but FUNNY.
Now even MORE confused than he was before, the Drazi Ambassador goes out into the hallway to confer with the other League Ambassadors, who are all just as confused--and getting worried--as they are. Just then, Franklin shows up to CASUALLY ask them to send some more blood supplies for each of their races to the station, "just in case..." Now THOROUGHLY freaked out, they split up, determined to figure out what is going on.
Ivanova is preparing to do her next "Voice of the Resistance" broadcast, and among all the silliness, we find out a couple of serious facts--most of President Clark's staff resigned in protest when he passed martial law, and that people have been getting detained or even ARRESTED for watching the VOR broadasts! (yikes!) But back to the silliness--Sheridan wants Ivanova to throw into her broadcast the fact that absolutely NOTHING happened today in Sector 83x9x12. And nothing, indeed, did happen there. "You just want me to casually mention that NOTHING'S going on?" says Ivanova in disbelief. "Yeah," grins Sheridan. "Try to make as big a deal out of it as possible, considering...nothing happened."
By now TOTALLY convinced he's insane, Ivanvoa nevertheless does it. She starts off the broadcast by mentioning the Cabinet resignations and such, and then says, "I just wanted to say, for...those of you who have...asked...that...absolutely NOTHING happened today in Sector 83 by 9 by 12. Repeat, nothing happened in Sector 83912. Please remain calm."
The League Ambassadors are watching this and of course it freaks them out even worse. "Did you hear?" the Brakiri Ambassador says frightenedly. "I heard", says the Drazi, grimly. They put this "news" together with the fact that there was weapons-fire near the area but no evidence, just asteroids and debris (Marcus's doing) to figure out that there must be a new INVISIBLE enemy! And only the White Stars can detect it 'cos they're the only ones left with Vorlon technology. "An invisible enemy. They could be anywhere!" they yelp in total paranoia. "They could be all around us right now!" And so they end up "dragging" Sheridan into the Council chamber to FORCE him to give them what he's been WANTING to give them all along!
("Oh, please, Mister, DON'T throw me into that briar patch, whatever you do...")
Sheridan at first pretends to be reluctant, and only grudgingly at the end "gives in" to them. The Brakiri Ambassador (played by Jonathan Chapman, another good actor and another interesting-looking goofy little guy) and the Drazi Ambassador both take the floor next to him to convince him face-to-face. He finally agrees to put the White Stars on their borders like they DEMAND, and actually, somehow, manages to keep a straight face during the entire scene. But as he walks out of the council chambers, he waits until he can get into an elevator by himself, then he cuts loose with a most heartfelt "YEEEESSSSS!!"
Which pretty much sums up the way I feel about this episode.
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